Stop doubting yourself and go after what you really, really want | Mario Lanzarotti | TEDxWilmington

Transcriber: Martina Giambattista Reviewer: Emma Gon Would you believe me if I told you that self-doubt is one of the best things that ever happened to you? Seriously. Right now, some of you may be confused.

Me too. But as I learned the truth about self-doubt, my life transformed forever. So today, let's go on a little journey that might transform your life, too.

Let’s explore: what is self-doubt? How does it show up in your life? And how can you make it your friend?

Self-doubt is a mental conversation in which your mind questions your ability to find a desirable solution to a perceived problem. Such as: What if I’m not strong enough to handle the pressure of running my business? What if I don’t know enough to pass this important test?

What if I never find my true purpose in life? Do questions like these keep you up at night? Self-doubt can silence your intuition and steer you away from even finding out what you really, really want.

You end up following the should voice, which is a confusing combination of the advice you receive from the “experts”. And while there may be a lot of wisdom, there are also a lot of outdated views that no longer support you in your evolution as a human being. My first major encounter with self-doubt began as I graduated high school and asked myself the question, what should I do with my life?

I felt stuck and full of self-doubt because so many of my classmates seem to have it figured out. I had no clue. I got my inspiration like most high schoolers get their inspiration: from Hollywood.

I watched the movie “Catch Me If You Can”. Do you know the movie? This guy had zero self-doubts.

I watched Frank Abagnale go from living an average life to traveling the world while making so much money and receiving so much respect. That’s what I wanted. No, no, no.

I didn’t want to be a con man. I wanted to be a pilot. I could see myself wearing that uniform, the sunglasses, surrounded by beautiful women, and finally feel like I had my life figured out.

Only, there was one tiny, major problem: passing the pilot tests. See, if you failed the test, you never got another chance as long as you're alive. And 95% of the thousands of applicants fail.

Can you imagine the self-doubt? Who am I to even try this? No one in my family had ever done such a thing.

What if I fail? I learned something profound. In the pursuit of bigger dreams and goals there is a dark side.

We tend to build an identity around being the successful person who always comes up with great solutions. But how do you feel when you don't? How do you feel when things are not moving forward the way you imagined?

How do you deal with the part of you that feels anxious, inadequate and insecure? Most of us push it aside. We focus on being busy.

We rationalize our feelings as unimportant. We don’t like to talk about how much we doubt ourselves because we think it makes us look weak. So, when you remove all of the glory that comes with pursuing bigger dreams and goals, you uncover a daily reality for so many of us.

We feel lonely. Lonely because we think that people wouldn’t really understand us, if they truly knew how we felt. So we end up alone with our self-doubt, trying to figure this all out for ourselves.

Lonely, because if you remove the constant doing from our life, well, who are we really being? Loneliness is one of self-doubt’s greatest allies. I felt lonely and I shared my feelings with my father.

He made a few calls and several weeks later, I was invited to ride on the carpet with an airline captain. I was embarrassed. I thought, talking with him about my self-doubt it will make me look like I don’t have what it takes to become a pilot.

Yet somehow I found the courage to reveal my fears and doubts. And what he told me transformed my life. He said, “Mario, everyone faces self-doubt.

” Only those who are courageous enough to admit it will find the support that allows them to move forward. That conversation gave me the confidence and courage I needed. A year and a half later, I began my pilot training.

Yeah. (Laughter) The first thing that I learned is that in order to overcome self-doubt for me, I had to share my self-doubt with someone I trusted. And it was like riding a wave of joy and happiness.

I was ready for takeoff. But I wasn’t cleared for takeoff, because self-doubt had other plans. I felt completely out of place, like an imposter, constantly comparing myself to my peers who was so passionate about flying while I didn’t seem to fit in.

My motivation for becoming a pilot was not a genuine passion for aviation. I wanted the money and the status so that I could feel I did something meaningful and would have respect. I wanted out.

And I was too scared to admit that I was suffering to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts. And then I remembered the wise words of the pilot, who told me, “Mario, everyone faces self-doubt. Only those who are courageous enough to admit it will find the support that allows them to move forward, while still feeling self-doubt.

” When you have the courage to be vulnerable and reveal your doubts with people you trust, you build a greater sense of trust within yourself. True human connection sparks confidence within yourself. Have the courage to reveal your doubts with someone you trust to remove the control that doubt has over you.

Key number one to overcoming self-doubt and go for what you really, really want is to share your self-doubt with people you trust, so you can find the courage to continue. I decided to open up about my depression, and then I decided to quit this career with the people in my life. What I feared was their judgment and rejection.

But what I received was love and acceptance as I spoke my truth. Even though the pilot career did not work out, I still learnt how to fly because I found my true calling. During my lowest moments, I would watch motivational videos, and it was like finally coming home, and I knew that one day, I too would guide people to free their minds from the self-doubt that is holding them back.

Here's something else I discovered. There's a big lie in the personal development industry. You must become fearless and remove all self-doubt from your life.

You may have heard this one and you may even believe it. Remember we started with the idea that self-doubt is one of the best things that ever happened to you? I wasn’t going to keep this to myself.

So here it goes. There’s nothing that has you doubt yourself more than declaring: I should not doubt myself. It doesn’t matter what your track record of success looks like.

Heck, you might have even written a book on overcoming self-doubt. As long as you're living this human experience, fear and doubt will be a part of your life. And the more you resist the fact that you doubt yourself, the more power doubt has over you.

That’s because your mind cannot distinguish between what you want and what you don’t want. It will always give more power to that on which you focus. So it’s not the doubt that is holding you back.

It's your relationship with it. When you approach self-doubt as the enemy, you make it stronger. Yet if you view it as a friend, it can help you unlock your true potential.

So consider this, what if every time you feel the doubt and the anxiety it brings, instead of reaching for that snack or checking your phone to distract yourself from that uncomfortable feeling, you decided to give yourself love. What if self-doubt is really calling on you to fill up your self love tank? That means breathing deeply.

Giving yourself a hug. Reassuring yourself that you're on the right track. Filling your self love tank means imagining a life where you can give yourself everything you need, regardless of what the world looks like.

Wouldn’t that be freaking amazing? So, key number two to overcoming self-doubt is to develop a loving relationship with self-doubt, so you can go for what you really, really want. Are you beginning to see how self-doubt may be one of the best things ever?

You might not end up becoming a pilot. You might not marry your first love. You might not get that dream job.

You might not achieve that lofty goal. You’ll find something much more profound. You’ll realize the true power within.

Understand this: in striving to achieve desired goals, what you really, really want are the positive emotions those goals promise. True freedom comes when you no longer rely on your achievements to give you permission to fall in love with who you are right now. When you can love the person in the mirror, regardless of your achievements, you become truly unstoppable.

That's because loving yourself brings peace and happiness. So, the next time the doubt comes, don’t fight it, embrace it as a friend who wants to remind you to fill up your self-love tank. Often learning takes a little longer than we think it should.

After I had decided to quit my pilot career and just discovered my true calling, I still perceived self-doubt as my enemy. I was too scared to fail again. It would take me another seven years to realize this dream.

I kept looking back at my pilot experience, thinking, I should have known better from the start. I gave up too soon, I’m a quitter. A guaranteed formula to staying stuck with your self-doubt, blame yourself often for what you have or haven’t done.

My friends, not knowing how to deal with your doubts delays your dreams. That's because when you think about stepping outside of your comfort zone, your brain will scan past events to evaluate the risks. That may sound something like this, “Hey, bro, remember that time when you invested all of your savings into a cryptocurrency and it didn’t work out?

Yup. That time dumbass. Never gonna happen again.

From now on, you’re going to play it safe. ” Your brain really wants to protect you from getting hurt again. But what if there was a way to tell your brain, the pain of my past does not determine the possibility of my future.

Have courage to proceed, there is a way. Forgive yourself for your past failures. Now, that may feel scary because forgiveness is misunderstood.

You may feel that forgiveness makes you weak because you admit you let down your guard. As Mahatma Gandhi noticed, the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is a sign of the strong.

Forgiveness means no longer denying reality, because your brain will tell you all kinds of false stories. One of the biggest being, I could have done something different. The fact that you acted the way you acted is all the proof you need to know that you couldn’t have acted in any other way.

Your mental, physical and emotional state produced the only outcome possible. So it’s not your fault. And you couldn’t have done anything different.

Because you’ve had the experience, you now possess new insights that allow you to make a new choice. Now you’re responsible to decide what you’re going to do with the wisdom you’ve harvested from that experience. Will you let it be the weight of the past you’re still dragging behind you today?

Or will you use it to be wiser, more loving and more courageous? Choose to be wiser. I challenge you to decide to forgive yourself for all you think you did wrong.

Let go of blaming yourself. Give yourself permission to express a new level of confidence, passion and commitment, which will drive you to your very best life. So key number three to overcoming self-doubt and go for what you really, really want is to forgive yourself for your past failures and mistakes so you can harvest the wisdom from them.

As I learned to forgive myself, I found the courage to do what I do today, which is truly what fills my life with so much meaning. With the keys that I shared with you today, I opened the door to free my mind from the thoughts that were holding me back. And if I can do it, you can do it, too.

On the other side of self-doubt, is the person you’ve been looking for your entire life. Remember, loving yourself removes self-doubt’s power, because self-doubt only exists as an illusion in your mind, and your heart has no illusions like that. The most important journey in your life is the one you take from your head through self-doubt, into your heart.

And that’s why self-doubt i one of the best things ever.