Alien Military Report: Why We Now Test Gravity Before Mocking Humans | HFY | SCI FI

classified military report Galactic Federation High command date 7,249 point3 standard galactic cycle subject mandatory gravity testing implementation status extremely embarrassing two High Council of the Galactic Federation from Admiral casor third Fleet diplomatic division re why we must stop calling humans weak immediately esteemed council members I regret to inform you that I must submit this report detailing the most humiliating series of events in our fleet's history as your Admiral I take full responsibility for our Collective arrogance and the resulting incidents let me be clear this report will explain why we now require mandatory gravity testing before

any officer is permitted to make comments about human physical capabilities yes you read that correctly we need an actual protocol to stop our people from embarrassing themselves for those wondering why such a protocol exists please continue reading and know you cannot skip to the end trust me you need the full context to understand how we managed to turn a simple first Contact into a galaxy-wide joke our civilization has achieved faster than light travel mastered antimatter containment and developed technology Beyond imagination we mapped 12 galaxies contacted thousands of species and somehow still managed to completely misunderstand

basic physics when it came to humans the irony is not lost on Me 3 days ago our Flagship democracy's light arrived in Earth's orbit carrying our most prestigious diplomatic team we were confident perhaps excessively so in our Superior Evolution after all we had encountered hundreds of species from low gravity worlds before their fragile bones and weak muscles were always evident we had protocols for handling their delicate nature what we failed to consider consider and this is where our renowned scientific arrogance truly shines was that Evolution on a high-gravity world might produce something entirely different something

that our standard protocols were not prepared to handle but before I detail the series of increasingly catastrophic events that followed I must emphasize that this report is not just about our mistakes it is about preventing future diplomats from challenging humans to arm wrestling matches or worse accepting their invitations to what they call Friendly Sports attached you will find video evidence of all incidents yes including the now Infamous gym competition and no we still cannot remove it from the galactic Information Network apparently humans have something called memes and we are now one of them let me

begin with the first diplomatic meeting where Commander Rex brigh made what we now recognize as a grave error in judgment Commander Rex brgh stood proudly in the United Nations chamber his ceremonial Cape flowing behind him as he addressed the human delegates with three Advanced degrees in xenobiology and a reputation for successful first contacts he felt more than qualified to handle these primitive gravity bound creatures the good Commander cleared his throat adjusted his translator and promptly destroyed centuries of diplomatic protocol in exactly six words how do you even stand up here a murmur rippled through the

human delegation the UN Secretary General raised an eyebrow her pen pausing midn note Commander brgh completely missing these warning signs continued his carefully prepared speech your achievements are remarkable considering your evolutionary disadvantages we the Galactic Federation extend our protection to your species we understand the challenges of developing under such crushing Gra gravity why just walking to this Podium must have been exhausting for you the UN military atache General Maria Rodriguez stood up the commander would later describe her smile in his report as terrifyingly similar to that of a zenian hunting cat Commander she said her

voice carrying across the suddenly silent chamber are you suggesting we are physically weak not at all Commander brgh raised all four of his hands in what he thought was a reassuring ing gesture we simply acknowledge your limitations on our worlds you would practically float though we recommend against visiting your fragile bones might not handle our Advanced exercise equipment General Rodriguez turned to the Secretary General ma'am permission to demonstrate human physical capabilities granted the Secretary General replied fighting to keep a straight face please try not to break the commander what followed has been viewed 47 billion

times on the galactic Information Network the video titled alien learns about Earth Gravity the fun way shows Commander brigh accepting what he thought was a simple greeting ritual the Commander's voice can be clearly heard saying ah yes your primitive arm wrestling competition I accept though I must be gentle with your wait why are you smiling like that the next 30 seconds show General rodrigue a former arm wrestling champion during her college Years demonstrating exactly why humans from a high-gravity world should never be underestimated the Commander's startled squeak as his arm was instantly pinned became the

most popular ringtone in three sectors but it got worse best two out of three the commander squeaked his pride overwhelming his judgment I was merely unprepared for your unexpected strength the General's smile widened better idea let's have a friendly pull-up competition unless you're worried about your fragile Bones the resulting video of Commander brgh struggling to complete a single pull-up while General Rodriguez casually did 5 one-handed pull-ups went viral faster than a Quantum virus the galactic Information Network crashed three times from the traffic the Commander's final words before fleeing the chamber this violates several laws of

physics became the official motto of the human delegation to the Galactic Federation in my personal opinion as Admiral had Commander brgh stopped there we might have salvaged some dignity unfortunately he then made the critical error of sending a formal complaint to the galactic science division demanding an investigation into what he called obviously artificial gravity manipulation by the humans this led to the next phase of our humiliation courtesy of our chief xenobiologist Professor Lark Stormwind who decided to prove humans were using technology to cheat Professor Lark Stormwind arrived on Earth with two quantum computers three gravity

meters and an unshakable belief in her own superiority she was absolutely certain she would expose the human's gravitational trickery after all she had written the definitive text on low gravity species adaptation she set up her laboratory in the newly established Galactic Embassy surrounded by enough equipment to analyze a small Moon her first mistake was inviting a group of human scientists to observe her experiments her second mistake was betting her entire research grant that she could prove they were using artificial gravity enhancement your bone density readings are impossible she announced tapping her gravity meter with growing

frustration according to these measurements your skeletal structure should have collapsed under its own weight you must be using some form of biological enhancement Dr James Chen the lead human researcher looked up from his coffee cup have you considered that your Baseline assumptions might be wrong nonsense Professor Stormwind adjusted her equipment again my calculations are perfect watch this simulation she activated her holographic display showing a model of human bone structure under Earth's gravity the simulation showed the skeleton immediately crumbling see completely impossible you cannot fool science Dr Chen sipped his coffee interesting simulation mind if we

check your input parameters the professor waved her hand dismissively by all means though I warn you the mathematics might be beyond your comprehension the human scientists huddled around her computer after exactly 47 seconds Dr Chen cleared his throat Professor you seem to have based your calculations on the bone density of low gravity species and simply scaled up the mass that's not how Evolution on a high-gravity world Works Professor Stormwind blinked all three of her eyes what here let me show you our data Dr Chen pulled up their research we evolved under these conditions our bones

and muscles developed to handle this gravity naturally no technology required the professor stared at the numbers her flashing before her eyes but but that would mean that we're actually quite strong by Galactic standards yes Dr Chen smiled would you like to see our gym what happened next has been classified at the highest levels but I can reveal that it involved Professor Stormwind attempting to prove her theories by challenging a human grandmother to a weightlifting contest the grandmother Mrs Patricia rali aged 67 was in in the middle of her daily workout routine the resulting video titled

alien scientists get schooled by Grandma shows Mrs om Ali deadlifting four times the professor's calculated maximum possible weight for any carbon-based life form Professor stormwind's repeated cries of this defies all known physics can be heard clearly in the background the professor's final research paper titled a complete reassessment of everything I thought I knew about about gravitational biology is now required reading at the galactic Science Academy her concluding line in retrospect perhaps we should have asked more questions and made fewer assumptions has become The Unofficial motto of our xenobiology department but the true culmination of our

scientific humiliation was Yet to Come courtesy of leftenant Nova Blake and what would become known as the gym incident liutenant Nova Blake considered herself the pride of the galactic feder ation athletic division she had won the interplanetary fitness Championship three years running and could outperform most species in standard gravity competitions this made her the perfect candidate to restore our reputation after the previous incidents at least that's what we thought the Earth's International Olympic Committee had graciously invited us to participate in a friendly athletic exhibition Lieutenant Blake volunteered immediately confident she would prove that our previous

Representatives had simply been unprepared she spent 2 weeks preparing what she called a stunning demonstration of superior alien Fitness the event was broadcast live across both Earth and Galactic networks leftenant Blake stroe into the Olympic Training Facility wearing our most advanced performance suit designed to enhance natural abilities by 300% she approached the human athletes who were dressed in what she described as primitive fabric coverings I understand there have been some misunderstandings about relative physical capabilities she announced to the cameras today I will demonstrate proper athletic technique for your benefit who would like to attempt to

match my performance a human stepped forward Tom Martinez aged 19 was a firste college student who worked part-time at the facility Smoothie Bar he was as Lieutenant Blake noted in her report suspiciously unconcerned about the challenge the leftenant began with what she considered a basic warm-up a one-handed handstand while reciting the galactic Constitution the human observers watched politely Tom finishing his protein shake asked that's the warm-up cool mind if I try What followed was not just a demonstration but what Earth's social media would call an absolute demolition Tom matched every one of the left tenants

Feats while adding what he called some basic parkour the video shows liutenant Blake's expression shifting from confidence to confusion to outright Panic as Tom casually performed increasingly complex gymnastics routines but my suit enhances strength by 300% she protested as Tom did a triple backflip oh is that what that fancy outfit does Tom landed perfectly that's neat I'm just wearing regular gym clothes the lieutenant desperate to regain control of the situation moved to the weightlifting area perhaps a more straightforward demonstration of strength she loaded the bar with what our calculations indicated was an impossible weight for

humans to lift Tom glanced at the weight and frowned um are you sure you want to start with just that I usually warm up with more the next sequence has been viewed so many times that it briefly overloaded the galactic information Network's main servers Lieutenant Blake straining with all her enhanced might managed to lift the weight chest High Tom while making a Tik Tok video with his free hand lifted the same weight with apparent ease how is this possible the Lieutenant's voice hit a pitch previously unknown to our species your planets gravity should make this

impossible our gravity Tom looked genuinely confused oh right you guys aren't from around here this is just normal Earth stuff hey want to see something really cool before anyone could stop him Tom proceeded to break 16 Galactic strength records while explaining his workout routine to his social media followers the left tenant's increasingly distressed attempts to scientifically explain why this should be impossible became an instant viral sensation the event concluded with liutenant Blake sitting on a bench questioning everything she knew about physics while Tom demonstrated one-finger push-ups to a growing crowd of impressed alien observers the

video titled alien Jim fail space Legend versus smoothie guy reached one trillion views within a standard day leftenant Blake's final words before requesting immediate retirement perhaps we should have researched Earth gravity more thoroughly became the most popular quote in Galactic sporting history but the true impact of this incident wasn't just social media humiliation it forced a complete overhaul of our military training protocols the humiliation of our finest officers finally prompted the galactic High command to take decisive action the newly formed committee for human interaction protocols gathered to create what would become known as the don't

challenge humans directive first came the gravity testing requirements every officer assigned to Earth dut must now complete what we call the reality check protocol this involves watching all previous embarrassing incidents signing a document acknowledging Earth's gravity levels and passing a written exam confirming they understand that humans are not in fact using any form of technological enhancement Commander Rex brigh now serving as our cautionary example recorded mandatory training videos his presentation how not to start an Interstellar incident includ includes a frame byf frame analysis of his diplomatic failures the section titled signs your human opponent is

not actually struggling has saved countless officers from similar humiliation Professor Stormwind contributed to the new protocols as well though somewhat reluctantly her revised xenobiology textbook now includes an entire chapter called Earth where your physics assumptions go to Die the accompanying documentary features her famous grand mother incident complete with slow motion replay of Mrs om Al's record-breaking deadlift Lieutenant Blake who thankfully emerged from retirement now heads our new human physical capability assessment division her first action was to ban all impromptu strength competitions with humans her second action was to rewrite our entire first Contact protocol replacing

phrases like primitive species and evolutionary disadvantages with more diplomatic Alternatives such as gravity adapted civilization and please don't arm wrestle them the Diplomatic core underwent the most dramatic transformation all Representatives must now complete what we call the Earth simulation this involves attempting basic physical tasks while wearing gravity simulation suits calibrated to Earth standards the resulting video compilations of dignified diplomats struggling to lift standard Earth objects have become valuable training materials perhaps the most significant change came in our military recruitment practices we now actively seek advice from Human physical trainers though we had to First convinced

them we were serious about improving rather than setting up another viral video opportunity the results speak for themselves in the past 3 months we have recorded zero incidents of accidental challenges to human physical capabilities our diplomats have learned to appreciate Earth's gravity without commenting on it and our s scientists have finally accepted that their previous theories might have been slightly flawed this brings us to our current situation where we maintain a much more respectful relationship with our human allies though we still occasionally have to stop newly arrived officers from trying to prove themselves in Earth's

gyms looking back on these events I must acknowledge that our initial approach to human relations was fundamentally flawed we assumed that our advanced technology made us Superior in every way we never considered that Evolution on a high-gravity world would produce advantages we couldn't match with our gadgets today the relationship between humans and the Galactic Federation has evolved into something remarkable our joint training programs have yielded unexpected benefits human athletes now coach our special forces though we had to specifically request instructors who wouldn't film our training sessions for their social media accounts the humans to their

credit have been surprisingly gracious about the whole situation they even approved our request to remove some of the more embarrassing videos from their networks though they politely declined to delete what they call the greatest hits compilation Commander Rex brigh I'm pleased to report has found his true calling he now leads our newly established department of human cultural understanding where his firsthand experience with human strength serves as a powerful teacher ing tool his arm wrestling defeat plays on a continuous loop in the Department's Lobby along with his now famous quote assumptions are the mother of all

failures Professor stormwind's revised research has revolutionized our understanding of gravitational biology she regularly collaborates with human scientists though she still refuses to enter any gym Where Mrs om Al might be present leftenant Blake has become an unexpected bridge between our cultures she runs a popular Galactic tube channel with Tom from the Smoothie Bar comparing workout routines across species their series why aliens Skip Leg Day has become required viewing at the Academy as for me I've learned the most valuable lesson of all true strength isn't just about physical capability or technological advancement it's about acknowledging our

mistakes learning from them and moving forward with humility and understanding though I must admit watching new recruits try to challenge humans to Fitness competitions despite all our warnings remains one of the more entertaining parts of my job Admiral casor third Fleet diplomatic division PS to the humans reading this report yes we know you're still making memes about us we deserve it updated Galactic Federation training manual Earth assignment section status mandatory reading attention all new recruits welcome to your Earth deployment orientation before proceeding with your assignment you must acknowledge the following protocols one under no circumstances

are you to challenge humans to any physical competition yes your Advanced exoskeleton makes you feel Invincible no it will not help you win a push-up contest with a human child two the phrase on my planet this would be easier is now classified as a career limiting statement please refer to the viral video archive titled why we don't say that anymore for detailed examples three all personnel must complete the gravity awareness training this includes watching the full greatest hits of Galactic embarrassment series yes including the grandmother weightlifting incident especially that one notice of review this document

has been updated and approved by the human relations department all incidents described herein are preserved for educational purposes and definitely not because humans find them hilarious final training note remember when a human says want to see something cool the correct response is no thank you this is not negotiable end of official documentation reviewer notes to Admiral C Thorne from senior training Observer red doent approval Admiral I've reviewed the updated protocols and training materials everything seems to be in order though must point out that the section about the grandmother incident could use more context Mrs om

Ali has since broken her previous record and we should probably update those numbers also you might want to mention that Tom from the Smoothie Bar now teaches Advanced combat training to your special forces the recruits should probably know why their instructor keeps making Tik Tok videos during their training sessions just trying to keep everything accurate best regards General Maria Rodriguez UN military atache former arm wrestling champion PS that push-up contest with your new recruits last week absolutely not going viral probably no promises though