Energy Ducking: Why People Think You're Boring

we've all had conversations that feel forced awkward or just boring sometimes it gets to the point where you have no idea what to say like this next clip so uh you do a lot of uh a lot of charity work um i've been working with a group called finca that does microfinance it's like small loans for mainly women in the developing world oh that's great i do a lot of work with imdb while it's funny on tv in real life these conversations are painful so in this video we'll go over five common mistakes that lead

to boring conversations and what you can do instead to have an amazing conversation we'll do this using clips from some of the best conversationalists that we've covered on the channel so far the first mistake people make in conversation is energy ducking energy ducking is when you come into a conversation with low enthusiasm to avoid standing out the problem is when you make your main focus not standing out you avoid making a negative or positive impression while being able to read the other person's mood is important it's equally important to realize that most people want to

have fun funny conversations they just aren't sure how so if you want to stop having boring conversations stop energy ducking and be the first to initiate playfulness watch jack black in this next clip for an extreme example while most talk show guests simply walk out wave and take a seat jack immediately establishes he's there to mess around and have a good time [Applause] now obviously jack black is an over-the-top example in your own life you're going to want a way to consistently make conversations more playful without having to flip furniture by far the easiest way

to initiate playfulness in your life is after you've been asked a question to do so just answer with an absurd non-literal answer for instance watch how chris pratt answers this question about his son who was born severely premature but he's healthy and he's happy and he does his exercises every day and he's just what exercises do you do well you know just like a bench i put him on the bench he's putting up like no he is doing well he's really thriving he's super strong this isn't about ducking the question eventually you will give a

real answer and share about yourself it's just about setting a fun playful tone first another perk of being playful it's very likely that the other person will match you and be playful as well notice in this next clip how craig's first joke completely changes the energy of the conversation belgium is everything bad for you fries chocolate waffles black tar heroine black tar hero they sell that out of a food truck now you can get them from vending machines black tire heroin yeah chocolate heroin the second mistake people make that leads to a boring conversation is

assuming interest have you ever been talking to someone who launched into a long story you didn't care about it's the type of thing that can have people excusing themselves to the bathroom just to escape the key to avoiding that mistake is to create interest before launching into your story an easy trick for that is to start your story with a story gap a story gap is when you build interest in a story by hinting at how it ends without spoiling the punchline for a great example listen to kevin hart tee up this story about his

relationship with michael jordan along the way you run it you've run into michael jordan i've ran into mike a couple times my mike still might be mad at me true story uh yo listen i'll pissed my golf um what did you do you already know the ending of the story michael jordan gets mad at kevin but you want to know why and how it happens that's the whole point of a story gap to hint at something that the other person now wants to hear more about for another example listen to tom hanks who's the story

gap here i'll tell you one thing that happens to tom hanks little tommy hanks on that on that tree larry's bro larry's brother i'll tell you what happened to him he gets screwed and i'll tell you how by using a story gap you ensure people will be interested in hearing what you have to say okay so now that you've learned to share information about yourself in an interesting way it's very likely that people will want to ask you more about yourself this is where the next common mistake comes in if you regularly find conversation stalls

after you've been asked a question you may be giving bland one to five word answers a bland answer doesn't set the other person up with anything to say back this happens all the time in small talk where are you from philadelphia what do you do i work in finance short answers put the conversational pressure on the other person now they have to carry the conversation or else let it fall into awkward silence it's a bit of an extreme case but watch this clip with kanye and jimmy kimmel to see an example of this do you

dress them do you pick their outfits you do is that fun for you do you design outfits for them you do do they love that i mean do they understand that process that you draw something and then it becomes their clothes kanye's short answers there put all the pressure on jimmy to carry the conversation on the other hand listen to sylvester stallone after jimmy fallon asks about his relationship with arnold schwarzenegger schwarzenegger i i've read that you guys actually hated each other for a while well we were very competitive yeah i think hate's a good

word [Music] come on stallone could have just ended there and it wouldn't have been a bad answer by any means because it was funny but he elaborates which gives jimmy more to respond to did you ever hate somebody so much he goes i gotta get to the gym i got to and you know a musician go oh i hate this guy i'm gonna blow him away next time it just was like the rolling stones and the beatles you know they kept you releasing great albums now this isn't to say that you should ramble every time

someone asks you a question you want to share enough to make conversation easy for the other person but then create space for them to speak as well it's important to realize that having a memorable conversation doesn't mean you have to do all the talking in fact great conversationalists do the opposite they get the other person excited to talk as well that brings us to the next common mistake people make in conversation they ask the same default boring questions this next clip is scripted to purposely be boring so it's sad how often our real life conversations

look just like this so you live in uh california yeah yeah i live in venice california so you uh hang out with a lot of showbiz types so when you're asking questions try to ask something that the other person will be excited to answer sean evans is a master at this he specifically focuses on asking questions about his guests passions or that let them reflect on things they're proud of he also avoids the questions they've likely been asked a hundred times in interviews before and you can see the reactions it gets him a special affinity

towards larry david and jerry seinfeld and if so does it inform the music at all bro i'm impressed with these questions thank you man curious when you first moved from nebraska to california to chase that dream what level of success seemed realistic to you like what would be your minimum accomplishment for you to feel like well wow i made it that's cool i don't know if i've ever answered that question when you think about all the times that you've been name checked in rap lyrics which one's your favorite wow that's um if you're talking to

someone you just met and you don't know anything about their interests yet you can also get people excited to talk by asking fun hypotheticals joe rogan is a master of this and it's part of why people like going on his podcast had a magic wand and someone said you could do whatever you want to fix this what would you do you were the king of the world said ed what are we going to do let's say you become president what if questions like that are fun to answer because they let people talk about their values

without being constrained by their own potentially boring lives in addition these fantasy style questions instantly make conversation more fun because the person you're talking to gets to imagine these dream scenarios as they answer the question if you're a mayor of new york what would be your first order of business what would be the day day one action okay this is a good one let's go into a specific example you can use in your own life if you meet someone and ask about their job but they don't seem excited to talk about it try following up

with a question well what if you had 100 million dollars and you could do anything you want what would you do instead this will let them dive into whatever's most important to them which they will love to talk about okay so now that the other person is talking we get to the last common mistake people make in conversation being a passive listener talking to someone who's too passive when listening can be boring and even uncomfortable there's two great tricks to make yourself a likable listener who's fun to talk to and they're both very easy the

first is mirroring by repeating a pattern of behavior of the person you're talking to this can be gestures the way they're seated or the last few words someone says we went to granny annie's granny annie two for one cocktail two for one cocktails king what's it what do you call them prime minister trudeau that fella the castro lover the castro lover i was just gonna say that the second easy way to be a likable listener is listening to laugh for example watch how easily joe rogan laughs with his guests even when they aren't trying to

be funny humans are the you know original gangster [Laughter] the emergency broadcast system came up stay inside freezing rain icy conditions high winds stay inside like beeping stay inside and god is like this is amazing man let's go for a run and i'm like sometimes the thing that most makes someone like you is not when you are smart or funny but when you make them feel smart or funny hearing their own words spoken back to them with an encouraging voice or seeing that they've made you laugh can go a long way towards someone enjoying their

time with you for one last example watch in this next clip how craig's guest smiles wider and wider the more craig cracks up at his joke what are you clapping for [Music] what is that ovation for think about what you just clapped for do you think there would be a time in your life that you would clap for that oh as if i would actually use this finger that come on it's important to note here the goal is not to fake laugh instead you want to cultivate the ability to laugh freely whenever you do find

something funny rather than censor your laughter like most people do limiting it to a quick chuckle or even just an exhale if you currently struggle to laugh when you're in conversation that's totally fine laughing is a habit that gets easier the more you do it so a good practice is to watch something you know will make you laugh right before you go out this will prime you to be in a better state to laugh when you're in conversation and that's how to never be boring in conversation now if you enjoy these videos but sometimes find

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screen now or below in the description we've had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it and i hope that you join if this is an area of your life that you're looking to improve either way i hope this video has helped you and i look forward to seeing you in the next one