Faking it gives you the best chance possible of making it argues Joel Buckley 1/6

all can say ladies and gentlemen is to keep faking it and you have the best chance possible to make it good evening ladies and gentlemen at the house thank you all for coming and welcome to perhaps the most elaborate and pompous examples of clowns spouting mediocre confused speeches ever seen by the public at least since last week's televised election debate to begin for the proposition I'm going to start on the topic of Faking It with a slightly risque a delicate opening Gambit and it is a question mainly for the female members of the house or

the men as well if you want now I know what you're all thinking I'm going to ask and you're absolutely right ladies or gentlemen if you're brave enough please raise your hands if you've ever faked an orgasm [Applause] right all right I see I mean it doesn't have anything to do with my argument really I was just curious I'll be honest I saw um both my girlfriend and my mother raised their hands in the corner of I think it's a good thing I got my therapist on speed dial after the debate I don't know maybe

me and my dad can double book uh I Gest I want I want that on record I I Gest of course it helps my argument because I believe in many cases we do and indeed should fake aspects of ourselves in order to make people happy for one to move forwards to push ourselves further and most relevant to this house gain positions that we are drastically unequipped for from Faking that you enjoy your grand Mother's Christmas gift of socks to add an imaginary Sport and pro as for teamwork skills to a CV to I don't know

pretending you didn't have Sky Plus as a kid as as as richy sunak did um I feel no one is exempt of having faked something in order to make their lives easier or achieve something in some way this been my first time on committee and I did my first time doing public speaking I myself I'm currently faking being confident well I Prov my point uh because it's getting me through I hope uh besides if I have the sudden age to nervously projec Al vomit I've got uh a multiple array of Target here I've got the

dispatch box I've got the Minutes book or perhaps that massive bin over there and on that Bell before I expand on my argument it falls on me to introduce the speakers in opposition for tonight's debate leading the opposition is Barney Wakefield a second year grad geographer at brn's college and he's leading quite appropriately I must say given his long yet unachieved aim to go far in the retaining officer arm of the union and for the normal sane people here read that as basically the union feds or actually I've had a recent note that is now

the Tommy Robinson appreciation committee not exactly sure what that means but uh there we go and so he is clearly dead against any Faker used to elected positions although ironically perhaps some fake Le could actually lead him to gaining the position he so craves however with Barney Helman from Huddersfield my colleague Ben from Newcastle and myself being and I've been told by the chief of staff to apologize for this from Liverpool um we can clearly see that our president and trust us Northerners were tackling only the most influential and headline making matters of our time

as well as taking off his you know charity you know events of the T however I'll just take as off n as generally being funnier than all you Posh bastards and listen listen on that point before I get to the others I'm trying well faking my best diction tonight however if there is something you don't quite catch feel free to approach me in the bar afterwards uh you know and confront me on what you missed and don't worry the you know the interaction will be warm jovial and explanatory but it may be after you turn

away it may perhaps be a few minutes or even an hour but you'll come to find when you go to pay for a drink at the bar that your wallet is indeed missing also on opposition is Jake Pito a fa year classic student at Christ Church apart from clearly breaking our Northern slate we built here tonight I tried to find something else about Jake in the past few hours and I couldn't really find much about him to be honest multip multiple people did refer to him as a mad lad yeah but um so I'll I'll

let that speak for itself and we'll have to see just how mad he gets but I'm still not surprised that he's in opposition as given he's in line to become a VI count or a baronet or whatever the it's called um at some point I doubt he's ever ever had to be anyone but himself to feel right at home in ox moving on from Jake no ladies and gentlemen the house has not been pumped with an Airborne psychedelic drug you are indeed seeing correctly despite having our fair share of clowns both from nobility as members

and as guests of the Union this is the first time we've actually seen one holding a title actually attend a comedy debate I'm of course referencing our lordship camping face himself a leader of the recycl from the planet Sigma 9 as well as being a previous candidate for the London mayor election and currently expressing intention to compete in the current general election I would say he is in many senses an all around piece of trash Mr President these are your speakers and they are most [Applause] welcome I would also like to say I felt very

welcomed to my face t on committee by all members and I couldn't have asked a better introduction into this institution it's been an immense pleasure I would especially like to thank our esteem president Louie Wilson for this amazing opportunity it's very generous of him to a me the speech and it was even more generous of a father to allocate me a six we window over the summer holidays in which I can occupy his flat in Munich he said there was no strings attached but I mean we'll see if that's true in all seriousness though Lou

and the committee have exper expertly navigated a turbulent yet amazing time I think we should give them all a big hand but I'm not done with Louie just yet he leads perfectly into my arguments as Louie of course began as an actor before approaching the union it was perfect training he himself in many instances faking the part of a supporting character in order to actually become the lead but I mean we all fak in this institution one of of Lou's most infamous predecessors was a little known boy called Alex no Alex okay maybe not but

he might have been more known when he came to Oxford and the union H and adopted the more comedic Boris upon arriving at the union and I suppose that doesn't help my case very much as we all know how that went in terms of being equipped for a role but nevertheless this Faker of a new name and identity was fundamental part of him making it and making the common people's lives hell what I'm trying to say is Oxford itself is a world of masks and no not just the ones we wear various secret Pig ogies

I'm talking about I'm talking about all University life has scen as a way in which we can reinvent ourselves and reach further than we ever could before so we should embrace it understand it and use it for our benefit however let's take this argument out of this little Arena of jumped up self-inflated 18 to 25 year olds playing silly politics and instead into the real world of course faking for personal gain can be bad you don't want someone faking being the doctor for example especially that supposed GP that's overly Keen to give you prostate exam

SL smear test I mean obviously that's a joke you'd have to wait six months to see little pedo [Applause] anyway fraud and tax evasion is fakery is also awful as course um but I'm bit uncomfortable saying that in this room as without it I feel like like this room population would decrease by roughly 70% um I guess faking expertise can be dangerous in some situations in fact a Ugo saan America determin just under half of men confidently feel that they can land a passion to plane in an emergency situation while this is somewhat ridiculous I

must applaud it as belief that you can do it and the rusher pushing a pilot and cardiac arrest off a seat taking the rains and undoubt undoubtedly nose dive into the sea is much better than having an oxygen mask stra to your face and wishing that after you die someone doesn't go into your search history it could be helpful for social enjoyment if you wish to venture into the vast tapestry that is Oxford's club scene tonight you'll find people convincing themselves through alcohol and an array of other substances that the club is anything but the

absolute hole that is yet they're all convinced of having a great time and that's okay and most importantly and what I finally want to come to is this debate is references most directly as the use of Faking it to achieve a position or to make it I'm going to refer to my own personal statement in which I used to enter Oxford University I stated English literature is a Solace of freedom in which I can only truly express myself however you know even at a level and even now it's more akin to a sense of paranoia

and prison they waiting for that unexpected cellmate um but it got me in tonight and it's the only only reason I stand before you tonight uh so I hope you vote for the proposition tonight and to close all I can say ladies and gentlemen is to keep faking it and you'll have the best chance possible to make it thank you good night [Applause]