Healthy vs Unhealthy Needs in a Relationship

all right today we're going to be talking about what are healthy needs versus unhealthy needs in our relationship because the reality is underneath most of our fights our hidden needs and desires that we're not communicating either because we're not fully aware of them or because we don't even feel safe to express them you're not just fighting about the dishes you're fighting to feel valued right you're not just fighting about the bedroom you're fighting to feel desired and accepted and you're not just fighting about work you're fighting to be appreciated so today I just want to

remind you it's okay that you have needs it's even more than okay it's inevitable you do have needs you can't not and one of the best things that we can do in our relationship is admit and acknowledge to ourselves and our partner I need certain things in order to feel connected in this relationship that doesn't make me too needy it just makes me human and a mutually fulfilling relationship requires both of you to care about be sensitive towards and prioritize your partner's appropriate needs we have to care about what they need to feel safe loved

and valued one of those healthy needs is respect even people who don't think they have needs still need respect in their relationship don't they respect means they treat you like an equal respect means your opinions and perspectives are valued and considered respect means holding someone in high regard that means I speak to you with words that reflect appreciation and admiration for you even if we disagree we can all agree respect is necessary for a relationship to survive if you don't feel respected you will not feel close or connected to that person right how about the

need to be able to communicate effectively with kindness and respect completely healthy need so often how you communicate especially how you communicate together during a conflict completely makes or breaks your entire relationship in fact doctors John and Julie gotman studied thousands of couples and they found that the way you handled the first 3 minutes of a conflict determined whether or not you were still together 6 years later how we communicate matters are you being kind in your communication are you bringing things up with respectful vulnerability without criticism or blame or yelling or passive aggressiveness because

those things never help they only hurt the discussion and on the other side if your partner was to bring something up a feeling a concern or need can you respect them enough to hold space for what they're trying to communicate without immediately launching into defensiveness or dismissiveness or invalidating them how about the need to feel valued and appreciated in our relationship don't we all have that one how about the need to feel safe physically and emotionally safe to say no safe to know that your boundaries are going to be respected and honored safe to bring

something up and feel heard and understood these things aren't optional they are healthy needs in a relationship if we actually want trust and intimacy and passion like we all say we do these are the blueprints this is the path work towards meeting your partner's legitimate needs mutually you can pause this video right now if you're watching it together and just ask them what what does respect look like to you how important is communication especially during a conflict how do you feel appreciated most it's not too needy to need a partner who is consistent someone who

follows through on their word you don't trust people who say they're going to do one thing but end up doing another and it's the same in your relationship it's normal to need Mutual accountability neither of you are perfect you're going to mess up but when we do can we take accountability not just by saying you're sorry but by intentionally moving towards understanding how our words and actions impacted them that's how we actually repair disconnection and rebuild trust we put aside our ego and shame and we ask how are you feeling about that what led to

you feeling that way what meaning did you give my actions what were you needing in that moment that you weren't getting respect appreciation closeness equality that's what's underneath all these fights and when we validate those feelings and needs as real it helps them to feel close to us validation sounds like that makes sense or I can see that or man I don't want you to feel disconnected and dismissed thank you for telling me this invalidation sounds like you're just being too sensitive you're really going to make a big deal about that it completely pushes your

partner away and discourages them from ever wanting to be vulnerable with you again cheap apologies are fine I'm sorry or I'm sorry that you feel that way geez it was just a joke can't you get over it real apologies I care about how my words and actions impact you it wasn't my intention to hurt you but I can see now that when this happened you felt this way and this was my role in that I'm sorry I should have handled that situation this way which I'll do from now on is there anything else that you

want to tell me about it because I want you to feel heard and understood now if your complaint is I've done that I've tried to validate and empathize I apologize all the time they still hold it over my head or throw it in my face during an argument a year later okay so what might be happening is they might have a block around forgiveness for some reason or they don't feel like they're pain was ever actually validated or they simply want to hold on to the resentment because that's easier than actually moving forward either way

you need to get into a counselor about that because there's something deeper going on because make no mistake another healthy need in a relationship is forgiveness we have to keep short accounts right we can't let resentment grow and you and I both know it's not mature to throw past mistakes in people's faces during an argument it's not healthy to hold on to resentment and not be working towards healing that I can understand if you're still hurt but you know that that's impacting your relationship you should be making those counseling appointments to try to heal some

of those wounds because you know that I want your partner to explore those old hurts I want your partner to learn how to validate past wounds I want them to empathize with you and rebuild trust for any betrayals large or small but that doesn't change the fact that if you're never planning on forgiving them regardless of the work that they put into healing and you still want to hurt them with your words and actions because of how much they've hurt you in the past you know that's not healthy you think you're actually going to feel

better once you finally hurt them to the level of pain that you felt you won't so please talk to someone about that another appropriate need is affection and feeling desired by your partner I realize there's a hundred things that impact that it's really hard to be affectionate with someone who dismisses your feelings it's hard to have desire for someone who hasn't been a safe place for you emotionally that's why I'm so vocal about how damaging invalidation and defensiveness are and on the other side how destructive constant criticism or contempt is the truth is we all

have something we need to own we've all hurt each other but we need to take accountability for our side of the street before you figure out a way to make excuses for what you said or did because well they're worse here's an example of what taking responsibility would sound like where you're empathizing with their experience it makes sense while you were scared to be vulnerable with me I took a lot of what you said as an attack and I dismissed you and invalidated you I'm so sorry I imagine that left you feeling pretty abandoned and

alone in this relationship and I just need you to know I'm committed to understanding how my words and actions impacted you and I want to learn how to be a safe place for you again because you deserve that that's healing or on the other side maybe it's appropriate for you to say it makes sense why you jumped to defensiveness I wasn't actually being vulnerable with you I was using a lot of blame and assuming your intent and that was wrong and I'm sorry I bet that left you feeling pretty unappreciated or unfairly attacked like I

was looking out for ways that you were messing up so I could call you a failure I certainly don't want that to be your experience I want you to feel appreciated and valued in this relationship I mean we need to ask ourselves why can't we say that to each other what's stopping us I mean sometimes we just don't know the words to say but I just gave you the words so let's say them it doesn't work if only one of you is doing this we both need to have a desire to move towards each other

I understand if you're scared to do that you probably have every right to be scared but that doesn't change the fact that we need to be working towards healing if we're ever going to achieve the relationship we deserve all right next need how about the need to accept each other's influence going back to the Gutman Dr John Gutman said that when a man especially doesn't share power or accept influence of his partner that relationship had an 81% chance of self-destructing now I don't mean to pick on men more here women of course need to accept

the influence of their partner as well but the research was clear women are more likely to do that and men aren't so yes we need to accept our partner's influence remember this is someone we're supposed to the trust this is someone who is supposed to be on our team and when you're on a team with someone and you trust them and they give you constructive feedback what do you do do you tell them they're crazy do you dismiss what they said as stupid do you get all bent out of shape and get defensive no if

you actually trust them you listen because you believe they're on your team they're on your side now I'm certainly not saying that they can talk to you however they want I'm saying sometimes If we're honest doesn't matter how they bring it up we were going to get defensive or or take it as an attack anyways and the research is clear you can destroy your relationship by constantly criticizing your partner and being harsh absolutely but on the other side we as men especially can destroy it by refusing to even take calm respectful feedback as helpful information

and we actually punish our partners for being vulnerable and honest they both have consequences how about the need for equality when it comes to the domestic labor and the mutual chores and parenting regardless of how you feel about those issues if we want to have a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone we should care about whether or not they feel like we're equals in that department right I know if you're both respectful and kind and vulnerable you can figure out a way to collaborate on how to make those things work for both of you I believe

in you how about the need for attention like I need time with you I can't really feel close to someone who doesn't really want to spend time with me and like I said you might disagree on how much time is appropriate but we're talking about making this relationship work for both of you I mean maybe you're not compatible with each other and that's okay you don't have to fulfill all of their needs but is this one important for them are they important enough to you to figure out a way to bend in their direction if

not then we need to ask why not do you feel like you're always the one that's bending do you feel like if you bend in their Direction you're going to be losing a part of yourself or maybe you're susceptible to being controlled in some way these are important questions that you should both feel safe enough to explore together maybe you have more of a need for independent that's okay no one said that's wrong we're simply here to talk about what can work for your relationship if your partner feels prioritized and valued in lots of different

ways I would hope that they would be perfectly fine with honoring your need for independence by encouraging you to go off and do stuff that of course doesn't mean abandoning your responsibilities with your family but I just hope that they could honor the fact that in order for you to feel valued in your relationship you need more space and that's okay I'm not trying to turn you both into each other I'm trying to figure out a way we can meet each other's needs so you both feel fulfilled maybe that's possible maybe that's not at the

end of the day either option is okay but if you want to stay together then we have to try the first one because the reason we break up or fight all the time is usually buried in these needs staying hidden or going unmet it's as simple as that you really want to stop fighting in your relationship ask each other do you feel appreciated do you feel valued do you feel respected I don't mean perfectly I mean consistently do you feel like you can trust me do you feel safe to be honest with me that's another

need do you feel like you can rely on me because if the answer is no that's why you're fighting and I get it you might be a trustworthy person and they just don't trust you absolutely sometimes due to trauma in the past we have our own trust issues that's something that they should be talking with a counselor about the way I like to think about it is this what if it was the opposite would a relationship work if your partner didn't take accountability or rarely if ever apologized would this work if they couldn't care less

how how their behavior or words affected you no of course not would intimacy be possible if you didn't feel valued or respected or safe no so let's get in the habit of at least admitting we need certain things in order to feel close and connected to someone else that's not wrong it's being a human it's called maturity and it helps get you the relationship that you eventually deserve and it's important that I mention I'm not saying that you are your partner's personal need fulfilling machine we should be getting our needs met for connection and closeness

and in lots of different ways family friends hobbies and our partner I'm not saying our partner should be the only source of our needs being met but I am saying are you trying to meet the ones that you can because there's certain needs that only you can meet for them I want to meet those needs in my wife and I hope that you want to meet them in your partner as well okay but what about the needs that they can't or won't meet Terry reel has a really amazing quote on this he says are enough

of my needs being met that I can grieve the ones that aren't and I think that sums up our dilemma perfectly are enough of my needs being met to grieve the ones that aren't because if the answer is yes then we grieve and we move on knowing that no relationship is going to be perfect for us but this one is good enough and we can find gratitude in that if the answer is no then you are not going to feel closer connected in this relationship if nothing changes now does that mean leave that's up to

you but there's one thing I know and that's intimacy and connection require things from both of us right and if you have a partner who doesn't have an interest in meeting any of those needs that we talked about then you will continue to feel disconnected and alone in this relationship because that's simply where that path leads some people choose to stay in those relationships for a lot of reasons and they try to get their needs met elsewhere other people leave I'm not here to say what's right or wrong for you I am here to hopefully

remind you and your partner to put actions behind your words don't tell me you love each other if you can't have hard conversations with kindness empathy and respect don't tell me you love each other but you're both not willing to work towards Mutual sacrifice and service towards each other and asking each other what does it look like for you to feel valued and loved in this relationship don't tell me you love each other but you're not willing to try something new when it comes to conflict and learn how to practice respectful vulnerability when this happened

I'm feeling this name a feeling not I feel like you don't care that's not a feeling and on the flip side you're learning how to listen and validate and practice compassionate curiosity towards the person you say you love these things aren't optional this is what determines whether your relationship house stand strong or crashes to the ground all right so those are some of the most common healthy needs I'm sure I missed a few so write in the comments which ones I missed but let's briefly talk about what are some inappropriate or unhealthy needs because those

are important to know as well the first one that comes to mind is control the need to dominate our partner or dictate their actions this is an inappropriate need and I believe you that it feels very real to you you want to control them or protect the relationship but in doing so you're pushing them away what you're actually trying to do do is control your own fear and anxiety but you're using this other person to do that and that's how they feel used and dominated and no one actually feels valued when they're being controlled and

just to clear something up boundaries are not about controlling someone if your partner sets a healthy boundary as then I will not tolerate being called names or being belittled or yelled at during a conflict if that happens I will remove myself for 30 minutes and then come back when we're both cooled off that's a perfectly appropriate boundary that is not controlling you they are not forcing you to do anything a boundary isn't about control it's about what I'm going to do because I can't control you all I can control is me a boundary is here's

what I'm going to do it requires nothing from you but having said that if they've expressed that boundary and you continue to yell or call names during a conflict and they leave if you follow them yelling and escalating the conflict you are severely damaging that relationship the next unhealthy need is constant reassurance we should not be looking towards our partner to reassure us that we are loved and Val valed constantly yes there's an appropriate version of this but there's also an inappropriate version of this how can you tell the difference one is solely based in

fear I'm testing your love I'm asking you to prove your love and I'm constantly searching for reassurance because of the fact that I don't trust this relationship even when things are going well I'm anxious and fearful that any minute that could change but in my hypervigilance I'm actually creating the disconnection that I'm trying to prevent because nobody wants to be tested all the time nobody wants to feel like like if they don't tell you that they love you 35 times a day then you're going to get upset or start a fight that's only going to

cause someone to slowly pull away which is exactly what you were trying to avoid another unhealthy need is avoidance or Fierce Independence maybe you enjoy connecting with someone but you hate the idea of getting too close you like to stay away from labels you like your Independence and if someone starts to get too close you pull away or maybe you are actually officially together with them but you just avoid the issues you dismiss them you downplay them you disregard them because you're conflict avoidant the problem is that person will eventually end it because they can't

feel close to you if they can't bring up issues or feel heard and understood another unhealthy need is the need for a relationship to work even though you're the only one putting in the work I've met countless people and they ask me what more can I do I've bent over backwards for them but they still take advantage of me I've stopped bringing up my feelings or needs but I still feel disconnected I just want to reach them somehow and the short answer is you can't you can't force them to care you can't do the work

for them if they aren't interested in doing the necessary work that intimacy and connection requires and you either have to accept that fact and stay or move on you only have two options continuing to think that you can somehow single-handedly save this relationship will drive you insane because often times they're blaming you for the disconnection that you feel they're blaming you for why they treat you with disrespect and you're believing them because of your own self-esteem issues it's unhealthy for you to need this relationship to work we can want this relationship to work we can

do everything that we can do but we cannot do their work for them and we cannot take on the weight and the emotional labor of saving them or healing them with our love we can have empathy for their rough childhood and still hold them accountable to destructive behaviors that impact us if you can't express healthy boundaries of behavior or words that you won't tolerate out of fear of this relationship ending then you're abandoning yourself which is why you continue to feel so disconnected another unhealthy need that I can think of is withholding the truth from

them because well if I told them they would make a huge deal about nothing and I understand what you're saying but when they find out which they usually do they're going to be even more mad than if you would have just told them we can't keep secrets from someone that we love I believe you if you told them they would blow it out of proportion they would accuse you of things that you didn't do they would start a fight it sounds like you don't really trust them right you shouldn't have to hide things in order

to not be yelling at or accused that's a problem if I were you I would be talking with a counselor about that because you need to have honesty and transparency in your relationships it's simply not healthy to withhold things that you know that they would want to know because of their reaction it's not a right or wrong thing it's a maturity and compatibility thing another unhealthy need is assuming that your partner can read your mind I get it you've been together for a long time and you're really upset that they don't know you as well

as they should totally understand that however we can't have those types of expectations where we assume that they should just read our minds it's our job to clearly communicate our feelings and needs and if we've done that and they refuse to pay attention or listen then we're back to what we've been saying all along in this video you're not going to feel closer connected to someone like that if nothing changes because you deserve more all right we're going to call it there I hope that was helpful be sure to let me know in the comments

if you enjoyed this or what needs I forgot do all the things for me if you don't mind hit the like button subscribe if you haven't it pushes it out to more people thank you so much for watching watching I hope at the very least you can watch this with your partner maybe I picked on both of you equally so nobody feels too called out but you can use this to ask each other questions and understand each other just a little bit more or understand yourself if you're single thank you so much for watching I

can't wait to see you in the next one