Spotting Relationship Warning Signs: Red Flags vs. Green Flags

so today I'm going to talk about red and green flags and I've already done an episode on the biggest red and green flags never to ignore but there's more and I actually wanted to simplify it because we can easily get very much in our heads about my God is this a red flag is this a green flag is this a yellow flag like and we develop all this hypervigilance and then we think if they're not perfect then they're a giant walking red flag and so I wanted to first of all I've gotten so many DMS

and messages and emails about that other episode and I thought that a follow-up episode was necessary one I wanted to punctuate some red and green flags that are really really important I wanted to simplify some things and um yeah so here I go I'm going to start with green flags and this is not going to be a long list and and then I will get to the red flags again won't be a long list but just really really specific so what I would say is definitely listen to the other episode as well as this one

and then you will have a very clear understanding of what it is that are they really just like green light energy and red light energy when you meet someone and you're starting to date them and particularly in the first 6 months where I think where it's really the first three three 1 month 3 months 6 months that time where we have to pay attention where we're learning about someone where we have to uh pay attention to how we feel and our instincts and where we have to have important conversations and we have to we have

to ask really important questions the first green flag is going to sound really obvious but it's incredibly important because a lot of people are not doing this the biggest green flag is that they treat you that's literally it that is the biggest green flag is that they treat that whoever you're dating whoever you're starting a relationship with treats you well meaning they treat you with respect they value your opinion they respect your opinions your point of view they are not criticizing you they they go out of their way to make sure that you're happy and

they meet your needs they make you a priority and you and because of that you feel really good around them see a lot of people and this is a lot more common than you would think and maybe you relate a lot of people will have a long list of things that they want that they're attracted to it's something about their status in the world their money their looks the way they dress and it's not that chemistry and attraction are not important but I can't begin to tell you how many people will be with the person

who they're attracted to but who doesn't actually treat them well and you don't even this doesn't even have to be about abuse it could be just someone who does not treat you great right or they're just or you're just like getting the bare minimum from minimum from them they're not it's not even you don't even have to be emotionally abused verbally abused physically abused for someone just to not treat you that well to not be your biggest fan to not really value who you are in the inside and to really want to know who you

are on the inside and we get caught up in attraction we get caught up in a person's Vibe or we like you know we like the money that they make we like the status that they have we like the the maybe even the family that they come from we like the way they look they like it's just certain things and chemistry is very Mercurial it's very hard to pinpoint it it's really just one of those difficult things whoever figures out will get the Nobel Peace Prize honestly but and it's and it's not irrelevant but the

goal is to be is to have the biggest turn on be someone who treats you well and the biggest turnoff be someone who does not treat you well at all and so someone who treats you well someone who who's loyal to you who is committed to you who again who who regards your best interests as something very important to them if it's in the very beginning early stages of dating then it's just someone who's kind to you who you feel good around and maybe you can't even pinpoint it in the very early stages but what

you just feel is like I feel good when I'm with this person I feel like this person understands me this person is listening to me I feel like this person is the opposite of self selfish and so your primary objective when it comes to choosing a mate is choosing someone who treats you well now of course in a relationship and for the long term we will make mistakes with each other and we will unconsciously and mindlessly mindlessly and unintentionally break each other's Hearts sometimes and hurt each other's feelings but that's different than you know someone

could say something they could be in a bad mood and your feelings are hurt but ultimately do they respect you and ultimately are you a priority but that's ultimately what's most important and someone who treats you well values you and when someone values you they are accepting of who you are now that's not the same thing as you can behave any which way you want and there just going to tolerate it that's not the same thing as someone fundamentally just accepting you and all your quirks you know if like you're a goofy person and you

and you have a certain sense of humor and that sense of humor is a part of who you are it's a part of your personality it's a part of it's just you and then you're with someone who puts down your sense of humor or is always saying ah you're always making jokes about this this and this and they're always annoyed about that's not someone who's treating you well that's someone who isn't accepting who you fundamentally are and let me tell you something it is a gift to meet someone who really accepts you for who you

are and so if that means that they don't of course you have to be attracted to them but if it means that they're not exactly who you thought you always wanted and who was on that list you know there is something interesting I'm going to bring I'm going to reference uh some pop culture right now I watch the show love is blind and I think it's a great show I really into it and I've done some deep dives into it but there's a there the new one is out and there's something really interesting that's going

on and I forgive me I forgot I I don't have all their names down but there's one woman who's on it and she says that she's admit she's like I usually go for I've always gone for certain things like did they go to a really good University um what's their job like are they cultured and well traveled and I easily get the ick from people and she chose and we don't I don't know what's going to happen between them but she chose someone who because she really felt who he was on the inside someone who's

kind someone who makes her feel seen someone who who has strong character who who does certain things in life that are that is a reflection of his of his depth and of his emotional capacity and of his character and when she saw him she was she was attracted to him again I don't know where it's going to go and yes she did like what she saw and look we are also visual beings and so you kind of have to like what you see of course but but he's not who she would normally go for but

she made the decision by applying to be on the show to not just go for People based on these these sort of superficial qualities because if you if you think you know they have to be educated a certain way they have to have a certain job they have to be certain cultured yeah yes these could be preferences but they really shouldn't be your deal breakers because often times the person who is really best for you doesn't necessarily look like or come in the package that you always imagined it and so in order to recognize the

green flag of someone treating you well number one you have to believe that you are worthy of being treated well well and you have to recognize what treating well being treated well is but number two and very specifically for the purpose of today's episode is you have to value that you have to see that as more important than the other things that you've been clinging to perhaps in the past and that really is important because I really believe that as we start to mature and as we start to heal we recognize ize that the biggest

turn on is like someone who really treats you well number two one of the biggest green flags other than someone and how they treat you is you can both agree on what a life well lived is this is so important because I have worked with many many people and I've known many people who meet someone it's like oh there's such a strong connection and we have such deep conversations and you know everything is going so well and yet there's this big intersection that they face you know one person wants to live on a mountain another

person wants to live on the beach I'm just using that as an example or one person want kids and the other person doesn't or one person you know wants to live a more nomadic life and the other person wants to live a more structured rooted life you know it really just depends on the kind of relationship you want but for longevity for building a like a life and a family with someone agreeing on what a life well-lived is is incredibly important because it goes down to it boils down to what your values are and you

may have heard this before but it's really true like aligning on values is really important and it's not just the values that you say you value it's the values that you actually structure your life around and these are the things when it's 5 years in 10 years in 15 years in and you know you've been through a lot together and you know you have to work on the passion and you're really used to the person this is the glue that keeps people together life is really is going to throw all of us curveballs and probably

have thrown you curveballs already and when you merge your life with someone else you're going to go through things together you're going to go through deaths together and illness together and hard decisions and money decisions and you know not everyone's life is the same but there's going to be hardship and there's going to be things you're going to have to so much of a long-term relationship is negotiation and being able to have these conversations of negotiation and so you want to have at least that understanding that you agree on what a life well-lived is so

that when you do have to negotiate you're not negotiating these giant things and this does have to do with money and how money is spent and whether life a life well lived is a life filled with family and friends or if a life well lived is filled with travel so that kind of compatibility that kind of compatibility is so incredibly important important and then the third green flag is you are both aligned in the kind of relationship that you want and you are both aligned in the meaning that you give to love so if you

were to reflect on what does it mean to love someone cuz I think we reflect a lot on what does it mean to be loved because all of us have an innate desire and craving and need to be loved and often times what a person is fantasizing about before they go to sleep at night often is to be held to be loved to be understood to be accepted and we don't think enough about what does it mean to love someone what does love mean to me and I think that what I'm trying to help people

do is to better understand what it means to them to love someone what it means to them to actually build a relationship what does a relationship a romantic relationship for you going to signify in your life and the biggest green flag is if you can or one of one of these three is that if you can actually have this conversation with someone and it's reflected through actions and through experience together that you both have an understanding an aligned understanding of what it means to love to build a a loving relationship with someone a lot of

people have a hard time with communication and this boils down to the fact that it's vulnerable it's hard we don't have lessons in this in school most of the time you know our parents are just doing the best that they could that you throw in some attachment wounding and Trauma into the mix and then we have this sort of popery of just things that get in the way of us being good communicators but from a value perspective if to you create creting a healthy relationship if to you creating a healthy relationship is we communicate and

it's better to overcommunication there's a value difference here and so yes some people could will say yes I value communication then you realize that they don't and then you know that's when you would have to say to them hey this is really important to me you know I don't I I believe my belief is that healthy relationships are built on a foundation of communication I'm not the you know I there's certain ways that I need to really better my communication and there's going to be ways that you need to better your communication but at least

you and I are in it together to really try to work it out at best that is a strong value of communication I really want to encourage every single one of you who are listening to this or watching this that you develop that value within yourself and that when you date that you make that really important because I'm telling you right now like everyone can have all different types of relationships and what works for one couple is not necessarily what works for another but communication is a non-negotiable being emotionally available to your partner is a

non-negotiable if what you want is a great relationship not a perfect relationship but a good a really solid relationship so that when things get hard you can fall back on the foundation that you have built with this person and the foundation is built through through open and transparent and abundant communication so a green flag is that you both can agree on that like you're both in it you both have your your stuff but maybe maybe to you a relationship means like you don't give up you don't give up on the person person um you know

it would take a lot for you to give up on the relationship it would mean that you would you would go to couple's therapy first it means that you would do everything you can to make sure that the relationship gets better and then if it doesn't then you would exit the relationship but you but but your criteria is you do everything that you possibly can especially if it's if it's a long-term relationship well you want to know their belief system around that is there a belief system that love should be easy do they believe that

love is just a feeling rather than a verb so because here's the thing here's the biggest discrepancy between two people one person who understands that to love someone is sometimes inconvenient you're going to have to face some uncertainty you're going to have to have difficult conversations you're going to sometimes have to show up when you're not in the mood sometimes you're going to have to meet more needs than meeting your own being you know that sometimes you just have to do like sometimes someone is going through a really hard time and you're going to have

to show up and then another person comes in and everything about them seems great and there's great chemistry and you're getting along but they their belief is that love really should just be easy a relationship should be easy and that love is actually a feeling and so if you wake up one morning and you're not feeling particularly like loving towards your partner then that means you should leave them as opposed to the other person who's like oh maybe when I wake up and I'm not feeling so loving towards my partner this has to do with

the fact that I'm in a bad mood or this has to do with the fact that you know I have some resentment and I haven't been dealing with it and I need to have a conversation like this is really important and I think this idea of like relationship should be easy versus relationship should be hard talk about it with the person because a relationship shouldn't be just hard relationship should not wreck your nervous system but it's not but love is like something that we have to actually fight for to keep alive and so what are

your beliefs about that get in touch with that first and then really get to understand that in someone else because one thing that I have noticed over the 20 years that I've been working with people in some capacity and working with couples in some capacity is that the ones that are really that have really strong marriages and really strong Partnerships they re they believe that love is actually a verb they have that value system they they have strong family and love values and then the people who kind of never really believe that or they think

you know if it's just not working leave or they don't have any real commitment to me to anything greater than themselves and everything has been about self those are the ones who tend to not it's not the only reason but this is one reason why relationships make it versus why they don't so remember you don't want someone who's exactly like you if you have someone who's exactly like you you're going to have a great friendship and you can have some fun together but you're not going to want to have sex with each other there's going

to be no passion so you want to invite differences but the three that are really important how they treat you and you know and that means and and and how they treat you is a reflection of how much they value and of their character that is the most important thing number two you both agree on what a life well- lived is for the long term this is just a compatibility that I think is a non-negotiable if you want your relationship to last and then number three you're aligned in what it means to love someone you

are aligned in the that love is actually not just a feeling but an intentional practice and that you give the same meaning to a relationship that a relationship great relationships are not just going to happen they're actually built this is a Bel a fundamental belief that I think everyone should have in order to build healthy relationships and it is a belief that needs to be shared in order to co-create a good relationship with someone okay so now I'm going to get into some red flags that I want to punctuate and actually add some ones that

I think that um might be something that you haven't considered before okay number one when you're dating someone and they're ignoring your text they don't really want to make plans they not initiating plans they don't want to talk about maybe it's a little bit further down the road and they don't want to talk about the future with you let's say you're dating them a few months and you know they they don't want to talk a plan for the future or make any plans for the future they are always too busy quote unquote to hang out

they're really inconsistent with their communication so they one week you'll feel like oh my God this person is so into me they're communicating great and then the next week like you don't hear from them at all and then they come back oh so sorry I was really busy at work and then they communicate Comm communicate communicate or they're really consistent they're they're present and then they fall off and it it's this inconsistency all these are signs of someone who's actually not investing in you emotionally and they're not investing in you emotionally because they're either not

that interested or they're not that emotionally available either way red fog now you can easily go into low selfworth talk and say well you know they're not that interested what's wrong with me what can I do to make them more interested and this is the biggest trap and you have to at some point you just regardless of your childhood regardless of anything at some point you just have to say I'm not doing that anymore I am not going to do that anymore you are not going to be for everyone and there are going to be

people who you're attracted to or or you're going to you want to win them over you're going to be like wow I can't believe they're not into me and your ego is going to get in the way and your ego is going to get into the driver's seat and it's going to want to figure out a way to get this person to be into you and then you'll feel insign ific because they're not and it's just we have to be able to listen anyone who for whatever reason is not interested in you is just not

for you and if we go through life placing our sense of self and our sense of Love self-love and self-esteem into the hands of just people who we barely know whether that's in a work situation or a romantic situation we're going to have a very difficult life and part of life is being able to accept rejection and really understanding I mean that it is a redirection or it's some sort of protection we don't always get what we want in the moment but you have to become more cognizant of when it's your ego so stop trying

to get someone who's not invested emotionally in you who's not taking the time to really want to get to know you who's not diligent about returning text yes the person who's into you is returning your text now when you first meet someone and maybe they take all day to return your text fine you just met them they're a stranger but if if you're dating someone you're seeing someone and yes some people are very very busy legitimately they may have kids they may have a crazy work day but they're getting back to you within that day

you know so honestly it's just it's very very important it really is just a red flag when someone is just not investing in you and we have to all get better at accepting rejection and understanding that you know sometimes we really want someone and they're not that great for us a second red flag this is particularly when you first start seeing someone you first start dating someone whether it's through a dating app whether it's through text whatever it is and they never want to meet they never actually want to meet in person but what they

do want to do is text you all day text you good morning text you in the evening uh text you to have conversations or they want to get on the phone with you they want some sort of connection with you but they don't actually want to meet that is a huge red flag sometimes that means the person is married the person is actually not very serious I mean maybe they're they might be talking to multiple people at a time and therefore not able to actually commit and put their focus on one particular person and someone

who is dating multiple people at a time or speaking to multiple people at a time because they don't know how to actually just focus on one connection or at least very soon like even if it's just two connections and you're trying to figure it out is someone you want to stay very far away from and if if that's something that you're doing you want to stop doing that it's like don't spread yourself thin with these these uh shallow connections if you're actually serious about wanting to be in a relationship then you are not going to

be texting with a bunch of different people and creating all like who has time for that honestly so someone who is who who for whatever reason is deflecting procrastinating not wanting to meet you huge red flag and what I would do is just say look this is when I'm available this is when we can meet if you're not available fine but I am not interested in continuing this connection through texts and through phone calls I'm actually very serious if you're not that's cool and I would just leave it at that number three so a third

red flag to really pay attention to is when you feel like you're always walking on eggshells around someone that is one of the worst feelings ever and we get habituated to it because of usually someone who we grew up with like a caretaker of parent that where we had to walk around eggshells with them and what that means is that every time you express a need it's shot down they're very defensive um they you never know what mood they're going to be in you want to make sure you say just the right thing so things

don't escalate into an argument um you always feel like you're misunderstood so every time you say something it's completely misconstrued so eggshells having people walk on eggshells around them is a form of manipulation and some people are doing it unconsciously some people are not but if you're starting to feel like you're walking on eggshells around someone and you care about this person then that's the time to be very direct and honest regardless of their response and say this is how I'm feeling this has got to end let's talk about it and it really depends on

their reaction you know the only response that you would want from that is like oh my God I had no idea or I'm really sorry like I don't I don't want you to feel like that what can I do better that's it but again if you're walking on eggshells your responsibility is to speak up and that's incredibly incredibly important but it is a huge red flag because you cannot build a healthy relationship with someone where you're walking around eggshells with them because you're too worried about their reactivity that's that's setting the stage for a terrible

terrible experience in in love so don't do it just refuse it that has to be a non-negotiable that has to be a deal breaker for you number four someone who's not willing to communicate that is a red flag now most people can really improve in their communication skills and one of the ways in which we improve on our communication skills is to be a better listener and most of the time what we need to do is get better at listening and that improves our communication skills but it's also the willingness to just just talk about

things that might for whatever reason be uncomfortable for you and it's not about expecting Perfection but it's the willingness to communicate it's the willingness to just sit down and just and sometimes it's not even talking about just the hard things it's just the willingness to be clear about hey I will be home at this time or I'm doing this you know some people they get into relationships and there's just so little communication and the other person just never knows where they stand or what's happening and that's a deal breaker that's a major red flag and

I and I it's really important that we don't fall back on attachment styles for our excuses with this we have to actually take responsibility and anyone can actually like you're all capable we're all capable of sitting with the discomfort and H and communicating and at least you know it is a beautiful vulnerable thing to say you know what I'm not used to communicating like this this is or this is really hard for me but and um you know I really want to talk about it but I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now like all these things

are okay you don't have to be this perfectly secure person who has perfect communication like good luck with that but it's the willingness to communicate it's not avoidance and that's very important the fifth red flag is something that is really a red flag that you would have to identify within yourself that has nothing to do with the other person and this is something that um I think that more women have struggle with this than men regardless of who they date and women have certain wom women have a tendency of getting the ick really easily the

ick is someone does something it could be their male or female partner but I see a lot of women doing this with their male partners and I've seen gay men do this with their male Partners where you know there's something that they do or they say that's like uncool that just turns them off right that just viscerally turns them off and it can be the littlest thing like how they run or how they like I mean honestly it's the most superficial stuff it's like or how they pick up a glass or how they open up

their wallet or like a joke that they tell that they think is nerdy and so they get the this visal visceral ick and then all of a sudden like they they sabotage and they don't want to be in the relationship anymore and or they don't want to date the person anymore and they get really turned off listen I understand the ick I've gotten the I before I have and um it can be it's a very difficult thing to come back from but what we also have to recognize in ourselves is that often times when we

get the ick over something small right I'm not talking about getting the ick over something major like something that is reflective of a person's character like they were unkind or they did something really incredibly rude those are legitimate things to get an ick from in fact more people would benefit from getting the ick from certain things like that for versus little like things that really just don't have a lot of meaning and often times when we're getting the ick over little things it is our form of self- sabotage and it's our form that's how we

are emotionally unavailable is we're placing too much value and too much weight on little things and we're finding ways to just like not be attracted to someone part of maturity in relationships is to see the larger picture so if you're with someone who's a great person your values aligned you're attracted to them they treat you great you know they're not perfect but it's just great and then they do this little thing you're like oh my God that's my ick that's your pattern that needs to be broken that's your red flag and that's you going into

some sabotage more times than not that is your unconscious is trying to find something that will prevent you from getting too close to someone so that you don't get hurt and or it is just immaturity it's like focusing on the wrong thing and expecting Perfection from this person and wanting them you know to be on this pedestal and to and to always be like this hot elusive person rather than a real person who sometimes has like funny quirks and so if you're someone who easily gets the ick that is definitely a you problem and not

a them problem and it really has to do with self-sabotage so you have to just focus on on the things that makes this person a really great person for you and to not ruin a good thing over stupid things like that six when you're seeing someone and you find yourself lying to your friends and family about who they are or about your relationship so you don't have to face possibly losing this person or seeing them for who they truly are that is something that you would have to monitor within yourself to make make sure you're

not doing cuz that is like one of the classic things that leads to dysfunctional relationships or even abusive relationships is not wanting to see the reality of who someone is and so we go into lying to ourselves we're not just lying to friends and family but we're in a heavy heavy denial with ourselves because we don't want to let go of the dream we don't want to release our attachment to the dream and move on and some people they seem great they seem like everything you've ever wanted and then 3 months in or 6 months

in or seven months in you realize they don't have the capacity to love you and to be in a relationship with you the way that you need you know there's like there are some you know big Character defects and we all have Character defects but these are ones that are pretty major you know like they don't treat you well and again I would refer to um my previous episodes on red and green flags to get a better sense of that but then because you don't want to lose them you start to lie to yourself so

that's an internal red flag to pay attention to and the last one which I think is probably one of the hardest ones for people to Grapple with is no one is perfect and that's a good thing because if we were looking if we wanted perfection in another then that would mean that we would have to put pressure on ourselves to be perfect and it's too much pressure and everyone has certain flaws and defects to their character and everyone comes to the table with some baggage and if you are of a certain age like you might

have you might have children you might have an ex spouse like you might have gone through some sort of traum like trauma with your parents or maybe you lost a parent like we you know life that's life and the older we are the more life we bring you know the more more of our history that we bring to the table but you need to know what it is that you can't live with you know what's your line someone recently wrote in and said you know I'm met someone everything is amazing it's been 5 weeks everything

seems so great but he just found out that the girl that he was seeing before me who he broke up with and he no longer with she's pregnant and she's going to have the child and he's going to be a new father and I've just been you know they've just been seeing each other five weeks that's very complicated and so you are going to have to decide for yourself what the red flag is for you how complicated is too complicated but it's a very important thing for you to be able to identify in a scenario

and and Define for yourself it's crucial I'll leave you with that you know I know it's very difficult to walk away from some from a new connection that feels amazing but something are just too complicated you fall for someone everything's great and then you find out they have a massive drinking problem you know they're lovely and they're lovely to you but they have this addiction that's too complicated you have to decide like what is just cuz it's your life and as far as we know it's the only life we get so again it's not Perfection

but you have to know like what you can and cannot live with so that is it for this week's episode of Jillian on love really wanted to punctuate these green flags and these red flags hopefully they are helpful please please please reach out to hello Jillian on love.com we read all your messages give us your uh your recommendations or your requests for episodes I design these episodes for all of you if there's anyone who you think could benefit from this episode please do not hesitate to Click Share because you really never know whose life you

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