TREVOR NOAH - Most Viewed Videos of 2020 (Various stand-up comedy special mashup)

2.71M views16403 WordsGrade 16 ReadabilityDownload TxT File
Trevor Noah

Click to Subscribe: & turn on notifications to find out when I upload new videos. More videos... From "It's My Culture" "My Mom Got Shot In The Head" "Lost My Voice" "Springbok Bafana" "Service With A Smile" "Funny, Funny" "Zambia loves escalators, just don't be gay" From “There’s A Gupta On My Stoep” "We Can Fight With Our Police" "Retract The Feces" "White People Can't March" "Trump VS. Jong-Un VS. Zuma / Donald & Melania Are Fighting" From “That’s Racist” "Surfing AIDS" From “The Daywalker" "Throwback! "The Daywalker" From “Crazy Normal” "Death At A Funeral" "Attention All Passengers" "Jacob Zuma's Speech" From “Lost In Translation” "Flying Into America" "Getting Pulled Over In America" "In Contact With Ebola" "Mexican Jedi" From “Pay Back The Funny” "The Presidential Eye Roll" "Don't Lose Your Accent / Learning Accents" "Emojis & Selfies: Cellphones Are Robbing Us" "My Red Carpet Trauma" From “Nation Wild Comedy” "Jokes About Deaf People" "Don't Hate On The Vuvuzela" From “African American” "Good Credit, Buy Anything!" "It Makes No Sense!" "Sports in America" "Being Black In America" "Starving African Ads & Oprah's School" "Idris Elba as James Bond?" "Prince Harry & Meghan Markle's Royal Wedding” "Bidding Farewell To Jacob Zuma!" (compilation from over the years) "First Visit To Australia" Facebook: Insta: Twitter: #TrevorNoah #MostViewed2020 #BestOfTrevorNoah #StandupComedy #FunnyVideo #2020 #Quarantine #PandemicPlaylist

... Show More

Video Transcript:

That's crazy i'm i'm loving it living the american life trying to do it this is crazy you know so i had to learn how to drive out here which was fun to get a car obviously which i just almost couldn't get you have to fill out forms and then you know i want your credits and america credits is very important i don't understand the concept I'm in the car dealership and there's this asian gentleman helping me we're going through the forms and he said so how long how long have you lived in america for i said i haven't i haven't lived here for long he said oh this is not good for you it's not it's not good for you i said what do you mean he says no you can't you cannot lease car in america unless you've been here a long time Because then then you don't have credit okay you don't i say well i've got the money to pay for it yeah that's not the point okay that's not the point in america okay in in this country we want credit okay our country focus on credit if you got good credit you can buy anything we don't care about money we want credit I said well credit is the assumption that you can pay back the money he's like no no that don't count here okay in our country you have good credit you can buy anything okay you got good cran he's like our country al-qaeda and i was like look i hate to be rude but when you say our country do you mean hour because you live here now or hour because the chinese own it and he was like ah it's it's a bit of Both okay yeah but no credit no credit for you no car okay go back i had to just buy myself a car you know this is a horrible thing drive around that's the worst thing driving in america wow on the other side of the road you feel like a rebel you know until you see the other cars coming and then it's not so much fun every you know how many times i did that just going to The wrong side [Music] and don't don't trust movies it's not easy to do that whole thing no no people don't just drive and no they stop they just look at you what are you doing in the movies you drive bars what are you doing aren't you supposed to know they don't drive they just wait for you to turn around and the street is so small you're doing one of those turns Just watching them in your shame just like it's horrible i had to practice for months it was the worst i'm in my drove i drove into a street once i thought i had learned it had been months i've been doing it well and then i turned into the wrong way and i saw this little asian lady driving towards me and i was like no and there was nobody else so i swerved the car around i was like i was like yeah hero and i drove and the 50 cars coming this way and i was like ah you [ __ ] and i told funny i told my friend the story i told him this i was like oh this is what happened he was like oh that's so funny man that's so funny and he's like who was driving the car it's a little asian lady and he's like oh yeah you can't say that man you can't you can't say that so what do you mean he's like yeah you can't you can't say She's asian i said why not she's like yeah cause that's that's racist say what that she's asian he's like nah now if she's a bad driver and you say she's asian that's racist okay so let me get this straight asians are not allowed to be called bad drivers this is not racism in itself everyone else has allowed the world of bad drivers but if i'm driving on the freeway behind an asian person and they Swerving around and i go this bad driver you drive like crap and i pull up next to them like oh no sorry you're not a bad driver you're just asian i'm sorry racism in itself it's madness so now what i had to do was get around using a gps you know decided to get one of those first i tried to be a cheapskate i thought oh Get a phone with the gps that was a horrible mistake bought myself one of those those iphones with siri all your assistants she talks to you she listens to you if you're american she doesn't understand one word i say i don't understand why i speak english and they're talking to her doom doom she's like what do you need i'm like siri uh please call peter you want pizza no no no no no cancel Cancel siri i need you want pizza no siri siri i want i want pizza not pizza you want pizza no no i no siri what's going on here you want to peter siri siri p peter siri siri you're not making sense sir are you are you having an attitude with me you tell me i don't know what the hell is going on here siri just listen to me um i don't know what do you mean you don't know siri Just ah [ __ ] darling mom what the hell this is horrible i had to buckle down and buy myself a real gps to get me around which has been working like a charm if you don't have a gps you get yourself one it's the best thing you'll ever do just don't make the mistake i made and buy it from craigslist i bought one of craigslist and the guy who sold it to me didn't tell me That it was a spanish language gps which was not so good um i didn't understand anything she says look i still gets around because the arrows aren't english thank god but otherwise it was just horrible and i hated it the first few days and then then i fell in love with her she's just you know i don't i don't understand why more americans don't speak spanish it's such a sexy language And sitting there and like all the men in here you want to feel like a man you get yourself a spanish gps oh no you don't understand traffic never sounded sexy it's just like as punching random destinations and she guides me around she's like metro [Applause] you say that all the time this is sexy you know just guides me around it's beautiful i I love that i'm going to learn spanish because of that i'm definitely spanish has gone up my list i had a few languages in spanish spanish was like sixth language i spoke four languages in south africa and then the fifth language is going to be japanese and then spanish was but now spanish has gone up japanese i've had to pause um because of the earthquake there's not that many of them traveling now So it's sad there's just there's no one now it's like walk around the streets just you know but then but spanish has gone up because i was getting good at japanese don't get me wrong i was getting really good you know i could say and it's a great language it's powerful because you speak japanese from your chest it makes you feel strong very strong whereas english english you speak from the from the head And and the chest you know do you know what i mean you speak it head and chest you wouldn't know this you wouldn't know this uh if you listen to many coastal girls in america like i've been in in places like california where women insist on speaking english from their nose which is not the correct yeah like oh my god are you guys gonna like do this And i was like there with tiffany and we were talking and yeah that's that's not the right way you're not using your lungs i know this because when i choked her she sounded exactly the same jesus was then she like oh my god you're like totally choking me right now and i can't breathe and this is so not on i am so gonna tweet about this this is like the worst thing ever oh i am so dying omg You know it's horrible whereas japanese is strong japanese you speak from the chest you know a lot of the americans are learning chinese i've seen you know chinese i see people you've got to learn chinese they're taking over chinese nihao ma shi xini it's too late it's too late to learn chinese it's over no it's true it's true because it's also One of the hardest languages in the world i mean how do you how do you learn chinese now just you know they've got over 10 000 characters in the alphabet you know there's 10 000 characters that's we've got 26 in english and there's still people going what comes after q 26. this is you know 10 000 they've got that's super smart Although they must have the worst sesame street in the world i'm gonna suck being a muppet in that country i can just see them on a monday morning singing to the kids sushi you guys love your sports out here i've never seen more focus put on sports anywhere else in the world americans love their sports back to front you analyze them You you worship them you you watch the game before the game you watch the game after the game you talk about what might happen in the game you talk about what's happening in the game and then you talk about what happened in the game and what could have been my tip but didn't happen in the game it's just the craziest thing i've seen in my life it's all about statistics have you seen sports in america non-stop guys just come out there There's no time for smiles or anything just come out and ladies and gentlemen welcome to it it's the 2012 miami heat up against the okc this is the greatest final we've been waiting for in the nba finals lebron james leading his team out here averaging 30 points double-double every single game uh 10 points per game just an assist alone this man is just something else 90 From the free throw line he's just gone in he's statistically gotten better he's team coming in with more chris bosh coming in with more assists really doing well in the last game just like wow numbers numbers numbers numbers stats that stats you guys know everything every stat well i mean he's got four out of five and i mean if you look at that statistic alone it looks like he should be he should be getting forward he should be and then And then and then it's just crazy you know everything you know everything and then you switch over to like your business channels and your economy and you're like what what's happening in the economy this year bob well nobody knows i mean nobody knows yeah uh we thought the housing market was coming up but it wasn't but hey i mean that's that's the economy you never know right You never know what about stocks well i guess uh stocks they're up and down i don't really know they're up and down they could go anywhere it's um those are stocks we don't know but the sports you know you need to flip that around you forget the statistics in the in the economy just relax in your sports have fun that's the sports i watch is relaxed like soccer i'm a huge fan of soccer you know Yeah yeah oh there's some fans here [Applause] i love soccer this is chilled you hear it in the commentators when a game is being played there's no statistics at all game starts off the whistle blows and welcome ladies and gentlemen to this majestic match it's spain playing against germany oh and what a wonderful day it is Look at the crowd really excited oh and the atmosphere is amazing wonderful weather and the guys are just like oh yeah john you can feel it the players look great it's wonderful what do you think is going to happen today martin oh nobody knows i can't even remember the last time i saw a game this good americans will remember americans will go back to the finest Statistic the last time a black man scored using his left hand jumping over a mixed race half indian was in 1967 when the okay like what this is madness it's all about action in the sports as well you know as much action as possible that's all about action in america you guys are so action focused you will take the ball away from the other team if they do not give you enough action i've never seen that in my life That's a horrible way to bring people up is go to the team you go hey you guys you take the ball and you've got 24 seconds to get the ball in that net 24 seconds and if you don't do it we're gonna give the ball to the other team you hear me give the ball to another team yeah we know there's a lot of black guys you try get past them that's up to you go 24 seconds later you guys you try you try all about Action you know because america is different it's different from the rest of the world and uh you you you don't really know how different america is though until you get here that's the one thing i will say you know you think you know but then when you when you land in america in your airports that's when you know this place is yeah This place is different because american airports unlike airports everywhere in the world which have a certain level of joy and all around happiness american airports they like they're like concentration camps you know just people walking barefoot in single file oh it's it's no joke there's even signs that say No jokes really it's just insane you you walk through those airports and and you have to do things at american airports you don't do anywhere else in the world you know like you have to take your shoes off your shoes come off and you don't know this as a foreigner but they don't care they're like you take your shoes off like my what your shoes take them off like why for safety sir i'm keeping them on for Your safety my friend you don't do this anywhere i remember flying into dubai one year and as we get into the airport this woman an american woman started taking off her shoes and and those guys i mean you must understand when you're in the middle east as a woman you're already a sin and now to be taking your clothes off in public these guys lost their mind they were just like hello What are you doing what are you doing yo what are you doing it's like i'm taking my clothes off i'm kicking they're like no no no what are you doing she's like i'm taking it why are you taking your clothes off she's like so the machine works she's like no no this is machine not your husband you don't need to get naked put their clothes on and walk through Your heart they will just they will you don't do it anywhere else but then you come out here you have to take off your shoes and you have to take your jacket off to walk through the metal detector and they they're mean about it they will shout to you they're like you take it off check it off and you don't know what to take off you don't take it off anywhere else so you don't know what to take off Like you take it off take take one off take it off or take one off take it off now what your clothes taking my clothes and are you standing there this man shouting at you telling you to take your clothes off you feel like a child in a catholic church it's horrible it's just you're standing there i mean i understand the need for security but they don't need to shout at you at least you know if they tried to be nice If they were maybe if they chanted instead of shouting you know instead of taking off if they were like take it off take it off take you'll be like yeah security safe and sexy they don't this is a harrowing experience as you come in and the worst is when you have to go through passport control oh as americans you don't feel the pain but As a foreigner it's a whole different game as americans you walk through to the u.s citizens line and they welcome you back like you on some secret mission honestly welcome home sir you know when you're a foreigner you have to wait in a super long line you know and then they tease you the line goes right to the front and then it comes back comes Back and you finally get there and you have to wait for that and you know and he's standing there and the guys are like sir sir come on come on sir step forward four step forward sir step forward forward forward back back behind the line sir back get back sir get back she knows the stress you're standing there and and now you have to answer questions horrible Like you you don't understand it's the stress you know standing there and you you don't want to get any of the questions wrong because just like school they'll send you back so you stand there and you have to answer them into a microphone let's play strategically low almost so that you have to bow to the american as you answer every question of his i ask you these Questions questions you feel like you know the answers to but when you there i mean i just handed the man my passport to which he replied is this you never before have i felt so much pressure to look like myself it's like [Applause] i was younger then it's horrible and then he starts Rattling them off it's your first time in the united states of america sir uh yes your first time sir is that correct uh yes sir what is the duration of your visit out here i'm going to be here for six months six months sir is that correct yes sir what is the purpose of your visit in The united states of america i'm here for holiday holiday sir yes which one my one could you elaborate sir holiday yeah what do you mean holiday sir you know like holiday like [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] Holiday you mean vacation sir ah battery yes of course i love mexican food i love mexican people i um [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i don't even know what it is i think it's just people we have a connection you know i don't know south africans and mexicans or something people from [ __ ] countries we have this thing I still can't believe the things donald trump says he's such a for me donald trump is an emotional paradox i'm not going to lie you know logically i can process him emotionally i struggle on the one hand i will admit i wake up many days terrified at the notion that he's president of the most powerful nation in the world but i also must admit i wake up many days Knowing he's going to make me laugh yeah there's terror and this joy and i don't know how to feel you know what it feels like sometimes it feels like there's a giant asteroid headed towards the earth but it's shaped like a penis like i think i'm gonna die but i know i'm gonna laugh just look at everything that he does the world we now live in because of him like you realize We're living through history you know this will never happen in our lifetimes again we're living through a time when we're all learning about the presidency at the same time as the president that's never happened how wild is that concept you wake up every day reading the news and you're like wow i didn't know that and somewhere at that exact same moment he's reading the same news going wow me Too and nobody knows where it's going to lead nobody knows what he's going to do all we know is that he wants his wall he wants his wall donald trump wants his wall he needs 25 billion the last time he asked he needs it from american taxpayers because mexico is smart that fell apart real quick i remember how confident he was at the rallies people cheering for him He was like folks we're gonna build oh we're gonna build a wall folks who's gonna pay mexico and mexico was like we ain't paying for [ __ ] man we might build it but we're not going to pay for it man [Applause] and i don't know if you've been following the journey of the wall but it's probably the best comedy on tv Right because now they've started building prototypes off the wall at the border right because donald trump said he wants them to test the wall first i don't know how you do that i was like try again and because this is the prototypes donald trump now has specifications for the wall he now says he wants the wall to be made out of concrete But he also needs the wall to be see-through right and the reason the president wants the world to be see-through is because he said he's afraid that drug dealers from mexico are going to shoot bags of drugs over the wall and is going to hit americans on the head as they walk by so he needs the wall to be see-through so that americans can see the drugs coming And catch it now i'm not gonna lie i don't know what a see-through wall is but at this point i'm just worried that a contractor is gonna come along and trick the president he's going to take him to the border and be like there it is mr trump your invisible wall [Applause] and then just to make sure he buys he's going to hire a troop of mexican mimes To be oh my god you can get through it [Applause] it works like the mind of donald trump oh the other idea he had for the wall was he said america should build the wall out of solar panels that's what he said he said america should build the wall out of solar panels because that way the wall would generate electricity And pay for itself yeah now i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie that's a good idea right it's a good idea unless you know anything about solar panels or the sun or walls because the problem with that idea is that the sun is up yeah we'll agree on that we're still on the same page there yeah the sun is up all right a solar panel wall is not going to work because a wall is like This so technically it's facing down so unless you have like a really swaggy sun that's like yeah i shine real low b it's not gonna work for you the only way it works is if you take your border solar panel and lean it at an angle to get the sun's rays but if you do that now you've just created a giant ramp for mexicans to shoot into america he's like The mind of donald j trump the j stands for jesus a lot of people don't know that a lot of self-loathing going on there and he's always going after someone right it's always going after someone if it's not mexicans it's muslims if it's not muslims africans from [ __ ] countries and that one was that one was my favorite personally because i am an african and i've have Shat in a hole um i also liked it because like people came up to me and asked me questions there was one man who came up to me after a show really concerned he was like trevor hey hey can i can i ask you a question i said yeah go go ahead my friend he said hey trevor i just wanted to know when when donald trump says all these these horribly racist things do you sometimes Just want to you know pack it up leave america go back to south africa and escape all this racism said my friend you don't go to south africa to escape racism that's where you go to stock up are you kidding me that's the one thing that reminds me of home racism out here because we got we've got tons of racism in south africa and don't get me wrong it's gotten a lot Better you know when i when i was growing up we had apartheid and you know apartheid was basically the best racism in the world um sorry i didn't mean to say that i mean now you're going to feel bad and be like oh racism was the best no it wasn't it was good but not the best and and i i experienced a bunch of racism and everyone did i never felt like it was a bad thing mostly because Of my family you know my my mother is a black woman also a woman my father swiss from switzerland and then being a couple was against the law and and that was a problem for us living together and so we experienced a ton of racism and in case you're wondering yes khasa is one of the languages with the clicks in it right but not but not like in not like in American movies just so you know yeah i've seen those movies where they have africans and they're like that's not a language yeah even we watch those movies and we're like i wonder what they are saying yeah where are they from i think they're from cleveland i did go to zambia though fantastic place zambia went there visited the place had a good time while i was there at a chaperone Who really made my trip his name was alinani the sweet guy and his job was to get me accustomed to the zambian culture you know and every day he would give me a new piece of information something more interesting than others like one day he looks at me and he goes chava you know zambia zombie is a very very conservative nation huh said oh okay ali he says yeah so please Stay away from profanity he said okay i can do that you know and i assumed he meant swearing right but i didn't say anything because i wasn't sure if he meant a person or swearing i wasn't like no no because in zambia people have names like profanity so that's how i laughed when i met screwdriver that's the same way i laughed yeah because you see in south africa we Have african names you can translate like uh happiness blessing hope those kinds of names right but then in zambia people give their names like their children they give their children names of everyday english words anything so like table chair car house yeah you see like this you just have to get used to it it's very hard but you have to keep a straight face which was difficult Because i met a mechanic who had sons named breaking clutch and that was not especially when break was running around causing chaos and his dad was there like stop it break stop it break stop it stop it break and i was like hey stop it you have to get used to it it's a cultural thing and so you have to respect it and the second warning ali gave me was even stranger We're driving through lusaka the capital and ali looks over at me in the car and he goes trevor you know here in zambia we're a very good loving nation he said oh okay ali that's a good thing to know he says yes so while you are here don't be gay so what i know it can be tempting sometimes but don't do it huh don't be gay don't be gay i've never been warned of this in my Life don't don't be gay hey bru don't be gay there we go don't be gay crazy crazy crazy warning to get but then i found out why ali was warning me turns out in zambia being gay is illegal if you are found to be gay you will be arrested and sent to prison for more than 30 years yeah which is a bit of a weird punishment when you think about it i mean i'm not saying gay guys would enjoy prison I'm just saying if i was gay that's not the worst thing you could do to me you'd be like you're going to jail i'd be like oh no [Applause] don't be gay i couldn't believe this gay is a crime in zambia which got me thinking if gay is a crime that means the police have to monitor it they actually have to police gay yeah which means in their police force they have a gay division it's a crime It's a crime so that means they've got a murder unit they've got a robbery unit a white collar crimes unit and then i've got a gay unit huh yeah they've got a little g unit in their police force that's responsible for all things gay that must be the most fun police force to be in the world you get to go undercover dress up really nice get in touch with your flamboyant Side let's have a good time i bet the sergeant's there every morning briefing is detectives good morning detectives welcome everybody today we will be launching a sting operation we have just been informed of the fashion show that will be taking place and as you know the guys cannot resist the latest trends therefore we will be in full attendance To apprehend each and every one of them let us make sure we are here detective chippewa president detective table president detective mungai present [Applause] i think he's in too deep [Applause] how do you how do you police gay do they stop you if you look suspiciously gay in the streets you know i mean gay doesn't have a look but maybe You've just got a bounce about you maybe you just have like a bit of pizzazz maybe you know does the police pull up there's like you over there what is the purpose of that flamboyant scarf [Applause] put your hands up turn around don't tempt me don't tempt me you're going to jail [Applause] how do you police gay do they have roadblocks like for drunk driving do they have gay roadblocks we're just stopping people in their car good evening officer good evening sir license please thank you very much mr stylish yeah tell me sir have you been gay this evening what oh no no no i have not been again no no in fact i don't gay at all At all i see not even one or two no no no no guess for me no guess for me okay then tell me sir what is that i can smell on your breath is that balls no no no no i i don't even eat chutney no no ah so you are not gay no not gay at all then say can you please blow into this [Music] Don't be gay i was not gay while i was in zambia so i had a good time went around saw the people the highlights of my trip came when on my day off i asked ali for suggestions and he said to me maybe you should drive around dusaka meet some of the people you know just have a good time said ali i want to do something special he said ah okay well in that case maybe You can go to the mall and if you are lucky maybe you can ride the escalator so what yeah i'm not promising anything but if you are early maybe you can go once or twice escalators i know mind blowing huh i thought he was messing with me until i found out people in zambia go to the mall just to ride the escalators seems ridiculous until you understand The backstory when we were in zambia there were only five public escalators five in the whole country the first escalator was built in august yeah not august 19 when here no no okay you guys remember august august august august august you guys remember that they built their first escalators ever yeah and so now it's all the rage people go to the mall just to ride escalators Yeah but now i don't want you to picture like some dusty village that's not what zambia is it's a beautiful place they're developing just as we are they've got roads they've got airports they've got they've got beautiful hotels stunning shopping malls they've got everything we've got even faster internet they just never had escalators and now they started building them and because of that people go there and they Spend a day riding escalators dads will go home and fetch their kids children we are going to the mall to do our daddy to do shopping and to write their escalators yay we couldn't believe this so we went to the mall right we get to the mall the mall is empty escalators are packed people are standing in lines going around doubling back on themselves there's old people young people even Couples there were couples guys that actually picked up women by saying i'm going to take you to the escalator gail we are so fancier escalators some people didn't even know how to ride the escalators kids were easy they just jumped on old people would panic there was one guy who got on the escalator and was going up and i guess to compensate for something in his mind as it went up he started leaning and he fell down He was hurt so badly oh oh it's fantastic to watch we spent like three hours doing this just watching people writing escalators and you know what our patients paid off because in hour three the most fantastic thing happened a school brought a class of children to the mall and their excursion was just to ride the escalators magic 30 kids about five years old Cutest things wearing their little black and white uniforms and they're standing there together holding hands and they were so excited so shining you know not from excitement that vaseline and there's two teachers with the children and they grab their hands on either end and in a long train they start to march through the mall and as they do they start singing at the top of their lungs like little angels It was the sweetest thing ever people are waving at them smiling and these kids see the escalators and they lost their minds these kids went crazy they not holding hands they start screaming and running around it looks like a zombie movie or something this is like they're jumping but then you see the smiles on their faces it looks like the End of sarafina you're like what the hell is going on here these kids are screaming and having the time they're jumping around doing cartwheels the teacher can't control them she's panicking like yeah get back get back two by two two by two two by two was one of the kids i didn't know that two by two next to me next to me singing five seconds fine other kids are still jumping she can't control them there was One fat kid he couldn't jump so he just shook himself [Applause] that was the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life it's like i've gone in a time machine to a time when escalators were new brand new and popular so popular that people were taking pictures of the escalators using their iphones tpua technology who even thinks of these things eh can You imagine hey we are in the future now my mechanical moving stairs huh what are we going to see next i don't even know i don't even know can you i wonder how it works huh let me just check that siri how does an escalator work i don't know huh we don't celebrate our heroes enough in this country so many of our heroes we we chastise them We bring them down it's jealous it's hatred or more now heroes that we don't acknowledge greats often nelson mandela we always go nobody else can live up to that yeah but there's small levels of greatness you don't even have to look for for instance our great sign language interpreter yankees the man who made it all happen huh he was there at nelson mandela's memorial service a Service that the whole world was watching and because of that the service was translated to everyone all over the world translated into all languages including sign language and so yankees was there translating for those who didn't understand unfortunately he also didn't understand sign language which is a small problem a problem that he didn't let stop him people Where others see obstacles he saw an opportunity people go he's a con man he's a bloody how could he do something so deceitful yeah you gotta go how could he do something so deceitful that man yankees showed something so far he's a role model to the children because he showed that you shouldn't listen to what people say you can or cannot do if you believe in yourself and you work Hard enough anything is possible people told him his whole life they're like yankees you can't do sign language he's like we'll see about that [Applause] [ __ ] and he did it he did sign language for the most powerful people in the world every single one of them yankees was on that stage doing it and doing it well nobody even suspected him nobody people Were just like he's doing his thing people ask questions where did he come from did he sneak hidden sneaking he'd been the official sign language interpreter for the government for the last five years yeah official for the last five and apparently before this people have complained but obviously the complaints fell on deaf ears so nothing was done about it and so he just carried on And now he was here the biggest events of his life signing for the world signings making it up in the zone nobody suspect i suspected i suspected i did no no i did i did let me tell you what let me tell you why no no let me tell you why not because i know sign language but because i know my president and if there's one thing that's specific Is when jacob zuma reads a speech right jacob's remar is a speech he's a very deliberate man it's very calm very measured takes his time the rhythm is the most important thing and yankees didn't match his rhythm i knew there was something wrong you remember this zuma was there reading mandela's wikipedia page right And while he was reading yankees was doing totally different like the rhythm was wrong zuma was there like and thereafter nelson mandela went to robin [Music] island for his in [Music] [Applause] Prison [Applause] and two the rhythm didn't match right zuma was on page one that guy was on like page 17 or something it didn't match up at all it's almost like zuma was translating sign language for us that's how slow it looked i can can all sorry i haven't practiced guys it didn't match up none of it but Yankees did it he stayed there in the face of adversity and he fought yeah he did sign language for everyone we've got to ask ourselves questions as well as south africans we don't ask enough questions for instance did nobody think to ask him how he could speak every single language in the world every leader came from countries everywhere they spoke in their language yankees Translated for everyone did nobody stop to ask even for a second the president of brazil is standing up there nelson mandela yankees [Applause] you can speak portuguese i'm in the zone but i'm in this zone i'm in this zone did nobody think to ask he did sign language for everyone the ambassador of china was updated Yankees was there on the side [Applause] he just made it up he made everything up and he did a great job at it he did a great job but then like like a true south african he just he just took it too far he just enough wasn't enough he just you know that's that's our problem in south africa that's all it is we just we don't know when to stop we take it too Far you know the same thing happens with tenders all of these things guys are stealing houses and everything i go guys i understand you want to steal i understand that i understand but if you get a tender to build ten houses steal one build nine at least nine people have houses don't steal all the houses somebody's gonna notice and then you can't steal more houses But no we want it all in south africa we take it one step too far that's what yankees did he had done it for everyone he'd done a great job the best fake sign language the world had ever seen he had gotten away with it too until barack obama came up to speak this was a speech that was going to be performed by the most powerful man in the free world 90 million people watching that speech this my friends is the point where you pack up your little bag of tricks and you call it a day not yankees if i was yankees that's where i would have called it quits i said yankees next one who is it barack obama the whole world is watching this one i know sorry guys sorry my fingers are crimping i've lost my voice sorry Oh no not yankees they're like barack he's like i'm there [Applause] and he was doing sign language for barack obama and they found out that while he was doing the sign language he kept on using the same signs over and over again right the few real signs that he actually knew and apparently all he knew was four things four things that he kept on doing Repeatedly and those things they asked afterwards real sign language interpreters they found he was doing this right which means greetings yeah greetings he kept on doing that another one he loved doing was circle circle one of his favorites was smoking yeah and every now and again he'd go Totally did over and over again can you imagine that nelson mandela's memorial barack obama pouring his hearts out there he is barack hussein obama and yankees oh guys uh how's americans uh nelson mandela's man the shult uh that uh through uh peace you can free not only the prisoner but also the guard Uh nelson mandela is a man he's beyond a man he's a legacy a legacy i could never aspire to be but we could all look towards and uh for me nelson mandela show that sometimes in life you got to go the hard way you got to say the things that matter and always remember to do what counts i could never be announced amanda can you imagine how horrible it must have been for every single deaf person Watching that speech imagine what it must have been like as a deaf person watching that at home sitting there that must be the craziest thing they've ever seen in their lives deaf people just watching going hello hello what why is he talking about smoking why are you talking about smoking talk about nelson manila i'm talking about Talk about what's wrong why are you talking about hello is the worst reach out there's something wrong with this guy the right hand the smoking problem what the hell what about mandela this guy what's wrong with him this is the worst thing i can't listen anymore this is horrible horrible tell me that speech must have been ridiculous by the way that's only the second time i've ever told a joke about deaf people Ever only the second time i told one joke when i was starting out in comedy and then i stopped because i believed you shouldn't make jokes about disabled people it's the wrong thing to do it's wrong you know and i never did it again until one day my life changed i um i got asked to do a show in sun city i was asked to do a show sasso was organizing a going-away party For the uh south african paralympic team when they were going out to london and so they invited me so trevor we'd like you to come and do a show to perform for amma croco croco um we'd like oh you forgot you forgot that that's the name we gave our paralympic team not a nickname that was our official name we had ama bogopoca buffana bafana and amma crococroc we Called our paralympic athletes amma croco means the broken things a bunch of crocs that is the worst thing you can call a disabled person ever amma croco that is what we you got that's probably what river said to oscar that night that's the only thing i can think of don't you call it [Applause] so anyway i was doing a show for a macro Croco right and because i'm there i did no jokes about disabled people or anything that could be seen as offensive i did nothing like that and after the show i was meeting some of the guys everything went well and one of the athletes came up to me i'll never forget they're still the dad he came up to me and he was partially deaf and he introduced himself and he was a fan a Great fan and he was like hey hey man how are you i said hey how are you doing buddy how are you good to meet you guys yeah great to meet you to meet you i'm a big man i said oh thank you thank you very much thank you thank you i love you you know what you need some time you know sometimes i don't get it i'm actually i'm totally nervous i was like oh you i didn't even notice i Didn't yeah yeah cool yeah i didn't even know i just told you an accent that's cool man that's nice to meet you he said yeah yeah that's cool i didn't have a question if you don't mind i said yeah go go go ahead go ahead and how come how come you know so i'm sorry what i don't tell jokes about deaf people yeah how come you never know i said what do you mean so when you tell them everyone Talk people show people black wine everyone i've [Applause] you've never heard me tell a joke about the deaf deaf people like i don't make jokes about everything you know why not i was like because i can't do i shouldn't make jokes about deaf people because if i did that then deaf people would be hurt and they Would be offended why would we be hurt it's not like we don't know with death so i i never thought i thought i was protecting you protecting us from one i'm not mean we also want young we nev yeah we know we're different when we do one the same things i was like yeah but you know what's funny is you say i must make jokes right but even if you're cool with it you know Who will complain people who can hear yeah they'll complain on your behalf because that's what people do they get offended for other people they'll be the ones going oh trevor knows an [ __ ] he made jokes about deaf people no why do you care is it because it hurts it hurts he's like dude you're a comedian hey it's easy for you no dude just make The joke give them the money and then we move on i'm like yeah you know what you say that but then what do i do if they complain dude you know what and then and then if they complain like what do you mean he's like don't miss him [Applause] one of the most fascinating things i read about recently one of the most Fascinating places was a place called rochester new york where genuinely this blew my mind where they had a city which was basically dedicated to rehabilitating people who had escaped slavery right so black people who'd escaped the south got into the north were rehabilitated at this place frederick douglass wrote many of his works there the Suffragette movement kicked off there it's a powerful powerful little place and like i was reading these stories and what they would do is slaves would escape from the south they'd make their way to the north they would get to rochester the underground railroad would get them there and then they would rehabilitate them put them on boats and send them to canada So that they could live free and i was like that's like it's a fascinating story for two reasons one to remind you that there were a lot of good people white people out there because a lot of time i get angry at white people and then i'm like no no there's good ones calm down um and the second part of it that was amazing was that they convinced black people to get back on boats i think That's one of the most amazing stories i've ever read because like do you know how convincing you'd have to be to convince someone who's just like they've just escaped slavery think about that for a second somebody's just escaped slavery they've made their way there finally all right they wake up after one night of free sleep and they walk out it's just like hey man I just want to say thank you so much for everything you did for me man well you know what my friend nobody deserves to live the way you lived and i'm i'm glad we got you out thank you so much i appreciate you brother thank you my friend okay all we got to do now is get you some paperwork get you cleaned up and uh put you on a boat get your canada and you can live a free life and everything's going to be better oh I'm sorry hold up hold up uh yeah go yeah could you come again you what did you say i know the paperwork thing is weird but we got to get you some some some identification no no no you said something about a boat yeah we're gonna catch you on a boat so you can get to canada yeah yeah nah i don't i don't yeah we don't do boats no more i don't i don't know if you know our history Uh but me and my people we took a cruise one time that [ __ ] didn't go so well so yeah we we got to find another way to get to canada if you don't mind now but the boat is the best way for us to get there from rochester yeah that might be the best way for y'all but we gonna walk uh hell we can run we can run real good we can run but we ain't getting on no boat my friend you got to get on the boat man i ain't got to do [ __ ] I just got free imagine if i get on that boat on the other side i'm in the same place what they gonna say to me why'd you get on that boat cause he was real nice oh hell no i ain't getting on no boat well you to you got to get on the boat though you got to get you're free now you got to go you got to get over this look man maybe one day in a few hundred years one of my descendants named kanye west will be over this [ __ ] but i ain't over it Right now so i ain't getting on no vote you got we gotta get you on the boat damn it i'm not getting our new boat and that was the day the phrase please was invented [Applause] that white man turned into like no please i need you on that boat and that story was passed down generation to generation black person's a black person free man To free man city and that white man got down on these knees and he said please the police please i never heard that phrase before in my life no please please please i know i know that's probably a phrase barack obama used at least once in the white house at least once like mr president do you do you think trump is is because of you do you think you caused this oh [ __ ] please Just one time one time i know he used it actually i i had the pleasure of meeting uh president obama while he was still in office probably one of the craziest experiences i've ever had in my life yeah i was came out of nowhere came out of nowhere i was at the daily shows in my office and i got a phone call from the administration and someone on the other end was like hi trevor would you like to interview the president of the united states in the White house and i was like do you ask stupid questions like of course i want to meet the president of the united states are you serious and um the day finally came went to dc with my tv crew and they set us up in a room which is literally opposite the oval office put all our cameras in place and what we're doing now is waiting for the President to arrive so we're staring at the door with bated breath and the reason we're staring is because they don't give you an exact time of the president's arrival for his safety right so they just give you a window like a cable guy so we're all waiting there listening to every footstep every moment and then he just popped in behind us scared the [ __ ] out of Everybody yeah because there's a secret door but they don't tell you again for safety right so we're staring at that door and all of a sudden he was like hello i was like ah but i had a great time in the interview with him he was really really kind to everyone in the room and and then we turned off the cameras and i promise you he became even nicer we just had a conversation i thought he was Going to leave i mean he's president of the united states you've got to go do something and he just chilled for a bit you know and we spoke as human beings and it went really well until he turned to me and he said trevor you know i uh actually i got a i got a show i'm doing in a few weeks a little uh little thing that i thought maybe you want to pop by and perform if you don't Mind so mr president i would i would be honored you just let me know when and where what what's the show going to be for sir he said oh well trevor i'm doing a little thing for my aides and i thought uh maybe you'd want to be there i said i would love to thank thank you i'm sorry i show for what he said for my age trevor he said uh you have aids And then and then he he explained what he meant and i wanted the earth to swallow me whole because i had just looked at the president of the united states and asked him if he had aids [Applause] and you know what the worst thing is that he was nice to me as well because i said that and then he explained and then i was like i'm so Sorry mr president i didn't mean i don't even know why i thought he's just like you said aids and like the aids you know because here's the thing in my defense in my defense right i get it now it means aids as in the white house aides the people who help the president i get it now but in my defense where i'm from aids is some other [ __ ] that doesn't help anybody no one in africa is walking around like Let me introduce you to my aides huh so now i'm here and i'm frazzled i'm like mr price i'm so sorry i didn't mean that you don't you don't you don't have aids you definitely and even if you didn't have aids there's nothing wrong with having aids there's no stigma we can still be cool actually i don't even know why i'm saying this i'm so sorry and he's like trevor trevor uh calm down trevor uh Trevor trevor calm down i was like i'm so sorry mr president i'm so sorry i shouldn't have said i'm probably the dumbest person you've ever met mr brazier he's like no trevor trevor carlson i'm the dumbest person you've ever met he's like no trevor that's not true uh i've met trump get out of here so smooth the newspapers say that he's famous so now people treat you like your Famous they start saying weird things to you strangest things people would say to me trevor trevor well done on everything eh congrats congrats but uh you know even though you're going to america don't forget us all right don't you forget us i don't even know who you are people would say the weirdest things to be not the number one thing people have Said to me number one thing it's not good luck it's a a trevor good luck over there but whatever you do don't forget your accent rot yeah please don't pull a charlize on us okay you keep your accent man make us proud everyone said that hey man you're making us proud now yeah i mean you're doing big things but i can ask you don't lose your accent don't lose your accent now when you come back from the stage you might come back Talking funny okay please if you lose your accent don't come back just threaten me what does that mean if you lose your accents how do you lose your accent people make it sound like you're going to be walking down the street and then just out of the blue you'll be like my accent hang on [Music] How are you going to lose your accent i was stressed now because i don't want i don't want south africans to think i'm not south africa i want them to think i've forgotten something this is my home now i'm stressed coming home i'm in the plane flying back to johannesburg and the whole time i'm just thinking don't lose your accent trevor don't lose your accent don't use your ex accent x don't accent x that was their accent exit accent Accent x accent accent x accent x accent except by the time i landed at our tempo i was losing my mind i like walked in the rivals the woman was dead customs welcome back to south africa say i was like yes i'm perk same old traveler nothing changed crazy because i love i love accents i really do i love accents i like learning languages and so obviously accents are a byproduct Of that i've learned over time that even if you can't learn a language an accent is a great way to communicate with somebody in your own language whilst trying to bridge the gap you know you learn somebody's accent you communicate more effectively the thing is though you have to learn the accent in the right way if you're going to speak to someone in their accent and you do it in the wrong way you might come across As racist you've got to be very careful about this white people in south africa often fall into this trap yeah it happens at petrol stations quite a bit see people driving in with their friends talking normally sitting in the car oh you know so i mean if we get all the numbers together marketing should be behind us it should be a breeze you know hr has stepped up and it's Going to be it's going to be a great year and look we try and make sure that oh sorry hold on hello baba hey shop shopman please put lapor full tanki eh 95 unleaded yeah also check amma tires eh pressure pumpy pumpy not too much eh 2.2 okay yeah good job don't do that he's a grown man he's been pulling petrol his entire life he knows what you need Just talk to him like a normal human being that's the thing people don't understand speak to him like a normal human being i used to get so angry whenever i see white people changing their accent when they talk to black i get so angry i was like oh why people racist is that what it is well racist and then i learned i learned life taught me not to be so quick to judge yeah i learned a valuable lesson i was Driving to gold reef city one day into the backstage area and the security guard came out to the boom and he was like hey how are you saying is your name on the list i said yes how are you baba my name is trevor he's like okay i said no no no trevor he's like oh sorry i said no trevor java trevor shalva trevor shalva Trevor chavarri and now my friend who was irritated he just leans over me and he's like papa gets revva he was like whoa trevor why you don't talk properly and then i understood i understood i finally understood what white people have been trying to do i see you're trying to communicate more effectively you're trying to engage somebody but understand this understand This when speaking to somebody in an accent the number one rule to understand is an accent is not a measurement of intelligence right an accent is just somebody speaking your language with the rules of theirs that's all an accent is so don't speak down to them don't patronize them speak to them the way you would to yourself just try and learn their accent that's All it is it's just another accent yeah and i learn them i learn them i spend all my time learning accents i try i try i love it i learn in restaurants that's a safe place to start you know you learn you read off the menu you try and pronounce the words correctly i was inspired by french restaurants funnily enough yeah whenever i'd go to a french restaurant i'd always fast i was always fascinated By the fact that people would order food in a french accent i never understood why because they don't do it in any other restaurants only in french stock restaurants do people walk in and then change their accent when they order they come in talking normally yeah you know it's a wonderful thing you're really going to enjoy it it's so beautiful you are stunning you have to have other desserts oh good evening how Are you sir yes i will have a bottle of water for the table please and uh let's start off with uh could we get the sauvignon blanc please yes and uh you know what we definitely from maine's gonna have the filet mignon um and for dessert we're gonna go with the creme brulee thank you very much thank you you're gonna love it why are you doing that i never understood i was like why Because it's not like the french are going to return the favor there's no french people sitting in our restaurants in south africa looking at the menu like so for the table we can order starter portion we share something no okay could we please have one saving of the bureau of horse that's not gonna happen it was a sunday morning i was in bed still asleep it was early early in the Morning maybe like nine or ten o'clock and the phone rings and it's my baby brother using my mom's phone his name's isaac he's nine years old so answer the phone like hello hello hello say hey isaac what do you want how are you i'm fine thanks i'm also fine thank you i'm fine thanks and how are you isaac i'm fine thanks and how are you i'm fine thank you it's a pleasure And trevor are you busy yeah sort of sort of why no because mom's been shot i'm sorry what yeah mom's been shot and at the hospital can you come mom's what do you mean okay yeah of course i can come but okay which hospital tell me that he tells me the hospital dropped okay can you come like he's too polite for his own good he's too like can you come Like what i'm gonna have to slot shot mom into my schedule just find oh coffee at two and then ish playstation at one okay mom we'll try come on can i come of course i can go i'm panicking i jump out of bed i'm running around i'm trying to put my clothes on some things or backwards i don't even notice i don't even care grab the car keys but i'm looking for the car keys running around they're losing my mind I jump into the car into the streets as soon as i get out the gate the tears start coming out you can't even control it just they're driving all of a sudden [Music] i'm driving i'm trying to hold it back i'm trying to hold it but then i get to the traffic lights the robot is red and i just let it out it just calms down [Music] no no no don't wash my window no no ha ha Ha ha ha ha hey ah no hey no no ah and there i am driving to the hospital like a madman i get there jump out the car my brother's standing there at the emergency section i see him outside he's just standing like nothing happened looking around around i go isaac isaac whatever he's like mom she's giving shots she's inside So i'm like okay are you okay he's like mama shot not me no that's not what i'm saying you idiot whatever i'm coming back so i run inside my mom's in the prep area all the doctors are standing around here there's blood everywhere i'm looking at the doctors and just by the way doctors are not as good looking as they are on those tv shows eh no like they set the bar really high because i was shocked i ran i was like what the hell Sorry sorry that was inappropriate what's happening here guys like sir you need to leave i said i was sorry come on what's this what's happening like no so you can't be here please leave please whatever okay okay okay so i go outside the nurse comes to me she's like um mr noah said yes yes okay um mr no we've got your wife stabilized right now and i said my wife yes that's mrs noah right yes yes that's my mom oh i'm sorry i thought Why would you think she's like come on hold on you think i would i mean she's cool but i mean like have you seen the girls i should show you the pic oh i'll show you the pictures afterwards what's going on she's like okay um your mom's just been stabilized and we we're gonna have to start thinking about surgery she's been shot in the head and she's been shot in the lower back region um so um this is a very serious thing I'm like yes it is okay so what's happening well we just found out that she doesn't have medical aid so what she's yeah she doesn't have medical aid no my mom always had medical aid always but now turns out she canceled it a few years ago i didn't know this she cancelled it because she never gets sick you know those people i just never get sick i never get sick trevor i never ever get sick i don't know why i have This i never get sick yes but you didn't think of bullets now she's in the hospital no medical aid so i said what does this mean she says well uh mr no it means we gonna have to put it back in the ambulance and send her to a public hospital but but she's bleeding now you can't say she says i'm sorry so that's all we can do she has to go to public hospital Now i'm panicking i'm a public hospital normally a good place to go normally you know but now what's happening is there's just misadministration of funds like money is going missing you don't know what's happening they don't have the right equipment now i'm picturing guys trying to fix my mom there's the doctor give me a scalpel we got this banner okay bring it ah at least there's a shifting okay let's try Something i'm stressed so i say well what do we do without medical age well there's nothing sir so what if i give you the money he says well you don't know how much it'll cost so you can't unless you give us your card and then we just work from there so we'll take my card here's my credit card she goes so it can get very expensive i say this is my mom this is my mom use the money go She goes you can tell me it's expensive this is my mother we're talking about you know i realized through all of this i've just neglected my brother he's been standing there the whole time with his big eyes so i'm like hey hey isaac hey hey isaac what's on your mind man are you okay big boy trevor yes can i come to your house and play playstation later today how are you going to ask me about Playstation your mom has just been shot you can't be asking me about what the hell is wrong with you stupid child you know what you're never going to play playstation ever again ever no play playstation for you ever in your life ever go away go sit down and think about what you just play station you're going to ask me how the hell's going to ask me about playstation the nurse comes back she goes okay mr nell uh we just used 900 rand um for some Blood tests i'm like okay why are you telling me this yeah cause it's 900 this is my mom use the money go she goes away i'm 900 how are you going to talk about that she comes back again she's like mr na um we need 2 000 rain for some x-rays this is my mom not a pair of jeans use the money go she goes away i'm like this my mom's going to die asking me questions here busy asking me mama's going to die my mom's going to die That's all i'm saying and i say it my brother hears me he starts crying [Music] like isaac i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry are you okay i'm not okay you said i'm never gonna play playstation ever in my life and i i'm like you still crack about play you you you have no right to cry you hear me you shut up stop crying you can't cry About this you shut up now some woman comes out she knows my mom's being shot now she thinks i'm telling my brother not to cry about my mom she just gets involved like hey you let him cry okay you let him cry some people express their pain in different ways you let him cry i'm like i will not let him cry lady i will not let him cry many kids grow up without one okay this is none of that it's fine like You should go play in the park or something it's not a time to cry right now what the hell you spoil your kids that's your problem you should take it away from them so that they can learn about life you and you you both shut up all of you shut up i'm telling them this the nurse comes back she goes mr now we're ready for surgery i'm like so do the surgery says yeah but sir um this could get very Expensive i see you in surgery i'm like lady what is expensive this is my mother she's so well anywhere from like twenty thousand twenty thousand this is my mom all the way to like five hundred thousand random yo but she's live there i mean she's like what 56 57 i mean it's almost finished i mean you know even she says she's old i mean you know You said the bullets in the head and i'm in head it's finished yeah because now that my we need to pay for the funeral and we need to buy scones for everybody and this guy needs a playstation you know i don't know she's like so we need to go ahead otherwise we can't do anything i said okay well you know use the card just use the card we'll handle the debts she goes away i'm stressed because i've Seen this happen to people go into a hospital you don't have enough money use your credit card next thing you're in debt for years and the person could die yeah person dies and when they die the doctor doesn't give your money back no no he doesn't yeah because he tried and that's all he has to do you'll get them be like doctor doctor did you win be like and your money's gone All i was stressed about but the most amazing thing happened turns out my mother wasn't that badly hurt it was a miracle really the ass bullets didn't do much damage because my family's gifted the head bullets didn't hit anything vital yeah other than the head obviously but it missed her spinal cord missed the nerves Didn't touch the brain went right through missed the eye hit the eye socket and so deflected and all it did was it cut a piece of her nostril off just just one side and the bullet went out clean which means she didn't have to go in for intensive surgery and her recovery was only a week yeah a week which was fantastic because that means the bill was only 24 000 rand i mean and she's alive yes but the bill was only 24 000 rams this is great really great because 25 was my cutoff so you laugh but that's how much i've calculated i'm willing to pay my mom back for all the ultra male custard i've consumed in my life everything else none of my business here food clothes schooling all of that stuff I'm not paying i hated when parents say that to the kids you know how hard i have to work for your bloody school and your clothes i didn't ask to be born that's your job please you handle that i asked for the ultra mel we can keep a tab [Applause] don't involve me in your things that's what i calculate 25 000. yeah i would have been there twenty four Thousand seven hundred and fifty i would have been there at the doctor eta eta it's fine my man no stop no no no you tried you tried mine it's cool no you tried it no just switch off this switch off switch off how much 250 left we'll put petrol or something it's fine just switch off there you try it was fantastic i told my mom about the 25 she laughed she's not serious and to show you what a crazy family we Have my mom's in the recovery ward she's got those tubes in her and everything and the iv and you know my brothers in the corner bored out of his mind and my grandmother's in the other corner reading the bible and i'm holding my mom's hand and i'm crying still crying there's a week later i'm still crying i've been crying the whole week but i've also been using this time to cry for Other things in my life um no because as a man you need to know when to cry you you loop it all together and you just cried one time it's like like we cry in bulk you gotta understand cry don't just cry one one one one ah crying bulk okay so i'm crying for everything [Music] and my mom looks at me she goes shh trevor trevor don't cry baby i said no mom i'm gonna cry you're a Shot in the hair and she says no no no no look on the bright side i said what brain sign she says no at least now because of my nose you're officially the best looking person in the family i like her by default i just got back from atlanta it was a 107 degrees fahrenheit uh hot sauce where the worst thing is everyone Comes up to me and they go well you must be used to this being from africa and no i'm not i'm from africa but that [ __ ] is hot that was just no i was scared to go jogging because i thought if i ran out in the street and fainted wouldn't the local news love that i'd be running and i'll fall down in the heat they would have their vans reporting live they'd be standing going so hot in atlanta Even africans are fainting so i'm enjoying this really happy to be here you know this is uh this is going to be good for us i i hope i say i hope because i never know with stand-up comedy it's just you know it's a so it's an awkward experience i find i'm always nervous and i find comedy is very similar to sex for me what's exactly like sex when you think about it with me the comedian playing The role of the man and you the audience the role of the woman because it's my job to satisfy you and you just have to sit there [Applause] and then just like sex my success or failure will somehow be determined by how much noise you make during my performance which makes it a one-sided affair i feel you know Yeah maybe you're the quiet type i i hope we have magic tonight i hope we create something wonderful i mean for many of us it's our first time together and that means it might be awkward i understand this if that's the case i want you to know that i'll look into your eyes i'll see that i'm freaking you out and i'll stop i'll stop i'll flip you back over and we'll go back to the simple stuff okay I've i've been in america for a few months now and i'm i'm really just thrown by the place it's not what i expected at all different from the brochures and the pamphlets uh there's many assumptions i had about america before i came here and i've come to learn that those were wrong for one i just assumed people spoke english here it was far from it it's not you know What it's not so much the language so much as the pronunciation of words that throws me off it's just what americans have done with the language you guys have just wow you've just you've done something you put 22s on the english language she's got rooms that just pimp my language that's what you've gone with you know i don't understand i was chatting to this woman downtown the other day She came up to me and she wanted me to see something i don't know what though she was like oh my god look over there i said look over what she's like over there look at that her and i said her she's like no her her there's two of them i understand nothing even the small words just the pronunciation you know small things that get you by For instance i pronounce the opposites of uncle as aunt i say my aunt out here you say my aunt which to me is an insect which made me look like an ass when my friend told me his aunt died and i was like so what there's tons of those out there what a great way to end the friendship i couldn't get help the other day when Searching for a battery for my remote control because that's what i say battery a small form of power so in america you say battery which to me is a different form of power sponsored by chris brown and you know what i understand we live on different sides of the globe so it's fine the language will evolve this is something i've come to under but i hope i changed one thing in your hearts Forever just one thing and that's is that animal in the wild that looks like a horse it has black and white stripes yeah do me a favor from now on please it's not zebra okay it's zebra [Applause] just like it's not debra it's debra same structure of word plus you cannot name them because you do not have them zebra this is madness everything out Here is different you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here you have to change everything there's a measurement system which is just i mean america you guys have your own thing the imperial system you know on my side of the world we use the metric system and by my side i mean the rest of the world you know where the metric system which is amongst other things very efficient it's a very simple process you know Everything goes into each other and out here you have imperial which is fine i mean i won't judge you if you want to be imaginary that's up to you but i just feel like there's some consistency that's needed small things like for instance when we abbreviate our small measurement milligrams we use mg milligrams mg milligrams and you guys have have ounces ounces which you then abbreviate O z there's no z in the word ounces i don't know that's pale in comparison to what you've done with pounds that for me please explain to me how the abbreviation for pounds became lbs lb pounds i look like the idiot walking into the store going could i please have the two labs bag of sugar I was like you mean pounds i said i don't see the pee no i don't well it made pounds it's not lbs a lot of [ __ ] that's what it stands for this is horrible in fact it's it's crazy you do realize the imperial system is so inefficient that even american drug dealers have switched over to metric even drug dealers got to the point where they said we need some order we're going with metric And i i thought i honestly thought this was an anomaly i thought you know what this is just one of those things it's a coincidence but it's not americans do not care about abbreviation nor the english language they they just they don't give a damn i learned this in the small things like uh like for instance when i was in tennessee i stumbled on an organization known as the ku klux klan you heard of them worst magic show Ever guy gave me a pamphlet who's like come and see the grand wizard grand wizard the grand didn't do one trick not even one trick i mean i noticed a few black people disappear but i mean that's not magic no this is reaganomics i wasn't impressed by that like where's the magic i sat there forever these guys running around in their sheets The kkk is they're affectionately known has nobody bothered to tell them ever that you do not spell clan with a k nobody nobody stopped even in america clan is spelt with a c the ku klux klan they're the kkc not the kkk you realize that ku klux klan c in fact the name is wrong the whole thing the ku klux parts of it that's this is horrible because they They got that as you know from ancient greece it was kuklas alphion meaning a circle of brothers and that's how they got their name they call themselves a greek circle of brothers which is which is wrong for two reasons one if your sole purpose as an organization is to hate black people don't you find it strange that you've now named yourself The circle of brothers and secondly do they realize that in ancient greece circles of brothers were doing very different things with one another very loving very you know yeah if they were really a greek circle the sheets would be a bit higher up you know just more of a yeah maybe one more hole they're not a we've been traveling all around the Country now it's been so much fun you know out in places like pe and and cape town and east london and recently went to durban which was which was a bit of a slip for us it was really hard because it was raining so much and then and then on on top of the flight delays that you have to contest with there's also like overbooking which is a problem you know i don't know if you know what Overbooking is but basically it's a it's a legal process where um it's a practice rather way where airlines book more tickets than there are seats on the plane so they book more sort of like a taxi but then they don't let you get on when you get there so just hope you don't pitch up he's like please please ah it's here you know that's what they do And so we we're flying down to durban and it was the funniest thing ever standing in the queue everyone's all fidgety in the line looking at their watches and they call us where they're like next next is next next next so we go to the counter and there's one of those women there with her glasses and her relaxed hair and she dick and then she's like uh can i have the id please and you're like ids everyone puts them Down way flying like a uh german please she's like deb and devin yes are you flying now no tomorrow we just it's a practice run are you flying i'm like yes we need to fly now okay and then she starts typing frantically which i never understand because when i book my tickets all i Need to do is click it's click click click click click click joe that one click ah that one click and then it does it all for and she's nick i bet she wasn't even busy doing our tickets anymore she's just like there she probably on like facebook or something there updating her status yo another one another ones yeah i'm dead dead dead dead another one You're dead dead you're over booking that day oh poke back that's dead you're dead that's my overbooking you because of their faux pas the airline is as kind as to upgrade us on the next flight to business class they say we're sorry about what happened you go business class oh very i love business class you know you get to go to a special lounge where everyone's very businessy yes No it is it is because when you when you're in business class you hear you overhear conversations and they they sound totally different you know you ever hear people saying things like yes well the mergers are coming along i mean if you look at the companies that are you know people walking around well i mean if the numbers are right then we'll definitely get that stock portfolio going and you've got people walking there you know No i mean i'm in the kids with the situation to make sure that all the shareholders are happy and then we'll present to management and it's going to be a okay installment of what okay you know you just you hear like businessy kind of stuff whereas when you're in economy it's just like a huge group of people you generally overhear conversations like i thought you put it in the bag you said you put it in the back what it Was all the time i asked you to put more water not in the bag oh wow and so we're going through the airports and then we go through security and i i love security in south africa it is the most chilled out security you will find anywhere in the world it is like south african security is just like you know we work on an honesty system in this country you know the security guard is he's There to enforce but it's more on honesty it's like look this this is it's up to you this is the honesty places where we all we all we all admit to our sins come forward comfort do you have anything to declare you know is that that type of place overseas when you when you come through customs is the craziest thing ever you you got to take off everything you got to take off your shoes and you take off Your belt and you you know you can't wear a jacket or a hoodie or a cap or anything you got to take off your rings and nothing nothing not even coins in your pocket you've got like a big filling then you're in trouble then they you know you know be like then you're like but it's but it's my teeth and that well you're gonna have to do something you're gonna you know and then like kind of people are like excuse me [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] oh that's great whereas in south africa i sometimes feel like these security guards don't actually know what their equipment does you know they're very chilled out about it because you'll walk through at airport security and you get there and the guy will be Like yeah go number four number four and you go through and you stand there and the guy will be waiting he'll give you that bucket and he'll be like hey what's in the bag like what do you mean you know it's like their laptop yes out out take it out laptop out out please put it by itself nah put that yeah any other laptop you're like no no no laptop out like okay okay okay okay What did you do okay there it is okay and and and my gun no it's fine so i just that's the top watching you it's so much fun and you walk through the metal detectors which i swear either don't work or these people really don't understand them at all you walk through metal detectors and it's not just at airports no matter Where they are in this country you walk through a metal detector a casino a school government institution you'll walk in there and then it'll just it'll make that sound but then i don't know if they know what that means because you walk through and be like and you see how security guards smell because they get ready because they're going to use the wand they love the wand You see they wait the whole day yes my time has arrived excalibur i call upon you it's like what the hell is going on yeah stand just in there yeah he pulls out his one you know his black ones just pulls him out [Music] okay it's not i'm sorry i'm just doesn't doesn't really do that would be cool if it did that [Music] although it would be weird it would be weird you know for like some guy from the township to have a lightsaber wouldn't work at all though it wouldn't it wouldn't wouldn't be like darth vader would be like braved [Music] her it would have been the worst star wars ever if it was in south africa wouldn't it Like the critical point the the moment that made the movie would never happen if it wasn't a township in south africa because which guy from the township would claim a child after that many years [Music] yes what is it no look there it's your father [Music] [Laughter] but it wasn't it wasn't okay sorry You're good i digress the one the one the one sorry it comes out with the wand they always do that thing you know they go around and we don't know what it's supposed to do or not you know [Music] any weapons [Applause] what was that for even if i had something i'm not going to tell you now Obviously you have been defeated any weapons no okay and that's it we like work on the honesty system in this country everywhere you go like i'd like to meet the genius who invented the honesty book ah yes the honesty book yes the book of truth no one can lie when they write in this book whenever you visit someone at a townhouse or office complex we have the Book of truth fill in the book before you enter name ah yes surname [Music] phone number and address reason for visit pvt go just do that look at everyone on pvtv pdt and once i asked the security guard i was like what's the point of this why am i what am i feeling in this book he's like No it's for security reasons it says i figured that much but what is what is it about it's like it's so that if you can do anything bad inside there if maybe you can steal or kill someone then we can find you ah of course because i wrote my real name and surname the honest killer strikes again it's just ridiculous i was like okay and then i kill someone and then what are you going to do is Like then you sit there can just phone you until you must come back yeah same time hey guys thanks for watching make sure to subscribe to my channel so you can win cool prizes and by prizes i mean surprise there's no prizes it's a free youtube video you greedy just click the video man why you want free things on free things

Like it? Make YTScribe even better by leaving a review