UNLOCK the Unlimited POWER of Your MIND Today! | Marisa Peer

you see you have a choice every day you get to choose how to speak to yourself you know what you don't get to choose what you do to your body when you say i'm an idiot i knew i'd mess that up can make anything familiar or unfamiliar and my advice to everyone is look at your bad habits and make your life familiar and look at what you want especially praise and make it familiar [Music] so let's do a quick little language thing right now i want you to close your eyes and i want you to

go i'm going to try to remember these rules of the mind i'm going to try so hard to memorize it if only i could memorize that document i wish i had a better memory i hope i can remember that when i'm working with my own client i really hope i can do what she does i wish i could do it i hope to do it and i try to do it i really want to do it and just focus on how you feel when you use the word wish which is wishy-washy i don't like wish

wishing says to your mind you haven't got a prayer but you might as well wish because wishing just says you're not going to do that oh i wish no one says i wish i could get up in the morning and clean my teeth i wish i could pick up that pencil and write a note you don't say we should go i'm doing it so when you say to the mind i wish i could it says yeah me too get over it when you say to the mind i hope i hope i get this right it

goes yeah well keep hoping because you're not going to do that when you go if only oh my gosh well you never managed it before so keep on with if only why don't you but when you do it differently close your eyes again and go i will memorize this it's going in i have a phenomenal memory my memory is awesome i read things and they empower me they stick i am remembering it all i do this i've got it i have a phenomenal memory i have incredible powers of recall and assimilation and i remember everything

it has a totally different effect and so you learn with language i never let my client say wish i won't allow them to say the word but i could do that but no we never say but we also never say should my therapist said to me excuse me swearing should is and never use that word i should i say i could i should go to the gym i could go to the gym but i know it's my fault i'm not making the effort so with young children like just changing one word would change their life

give me an example my little girl would go to school and she'd get to the gate and she'd come back and i'd always say what have you remembered could have said what have you forgotten there's only two words what have you because i've remembered my swimming kit i've remembered my book i remembered my pig okay that's fantastic you have such a great memory that when you get to the gate you remember and back you come and very quickly she didn't have to come back because i never said what have you forgotten today oh my god

your mind is like a sieve what's wrong with you you get to the gate and i never do that and you forget why can't you be like me i have my little bag by the door i put everything the night before and i never did i said what have you remembered so here's just one word and my clients really taught me the power of words because i'd see the ones you'd come again i wish i could do that oh thanks marissa for all this i could do that but i know i ought to do there

and i should but and so i started banning words when you come in this office you're not allowed to go wish but hope i work a lot with infertile women and the ones who don't get pregnant always say that i wish i could get pregnant and then when they get rid of this i'm so scared of losing i'm not going to tell anyone just in case i lose it i'm like well but what are you saying to your baby it's in the womb the most developed sense is hearing i'm not even going to tell anyone

you're here because i have no faith you're going to make it and how about sending the scans out to your parents and showing this is my baby it's staying my body made it my body is so super smart my body's gonna carry this baby to four term this is my one chance in the world to be god i'm making a miracle here and my body is growing that baby physically and i'm growing and nurturing that baby emotionally and every day i tell it today your spine is forming this week your mouth and lips are forming

and your ears are forming and it sends a message to the brain that goes this is working whereas running to the bathroom every hour to just see if you're spotting saying oh i'm really scared of losing it sends a message to the mind and one of the rules of the mind and it's the best rule is that every thought you think and every word you say forms a blueprint and your mind must work to make that blueprint real so when you say i can't remember anything i'd lose the eyes in the back of my head

if they weren't fixed in there because i just can't remember anything in your mind because that's a blueprint let me take you to it and when you say my memory is phenomenal in fact i'm like human google when i read an exam the minute i read the question my mind has already gone to work found the answer and i it stays in my head right through until i write it on the paper then i read the next question the same thing happens as i read the question google says here's the answer i work with children

all the time with exam stress and they come in i was a little boy last year who had um i think there were 17 children applied for every place in his school and he flunked the mocks and i'm like darling you're supposed to flunk the marks it's great to flunk the mocks you know what mocks are don't you oh so in england when you're taking an exam you have a mock exam maybe six weeks before you take the exam just to see how you do and then they say well you did terribly you did really

well and because you did really well you're going to pass that exam and because you did terribly you're going to fail in fact the ones who do well in the mocks get so complacent they often don't do so well in the actual exam the ones who do badly think wow i need to up my game i need to revise more and study more so when he came in and said my mummy was so upset because i got really bad marks in the marks and that's fantastic what were you worth on he said the the the

writing what did you do is i didn't read the instructions correctly and i didn't use the right words that's fantastic so what did you need to do and just by changing his language i didn't use the right words and explained to him that he could do it and telling him that his mind was like google then i was asking him some questions about harry potter and i said how do you know these answers have you studied how everybody went no i just really like it i said well see how clever your mind is so when

you're working with a kid that says i don't know ask them about james bond ask them about something that they like and go how do you know this i don't know how do you know wow you're so smart because when they like something they remember and part of school is liking something so with this little kid he got into that school i knew he'd get in because he came in like that and he left like that he was like i'm going to nail this i know what to do my mind is like google and i

will say to all my clients whether they're a seven-year-old taking an exam or someone taking a medical exam or the bar i say whatever you're reading your focus narrows down you say the word narrow down and when you say narrow down everything fades away you're absorbed in that paper you have phenomenal powers of concentration comprehension recall retention and assimilation and i i say words that help you the next one comprehension comprehension retention recall assimilation i say it over and over again because the mind believes what you tell it so let's go through the rules of

the mind here is the first one what is expected tends to be realized when you say to a child i don't know what's wrong with you your brother was in my class last year and he was so good why can't you learn why can't you sit still why are you so disruptive what is wrong with you you're making words that form a child's blueprint and exactly the same for adults i'm referring this a lot to children but for the therapists here those children come in as your clients but it's just the same for adult if

if your boss says to you uh can you do this you go oh my god i'm going to have to race through it and i'm going to have to rush that i haven't got enough time to prepare i know i'm going to get it wrong i'm going to go on stage open my mouth and go oh well when you say that it tends to be realized and here's one of my favorite rules of the mind the mind responds to words that make a picture so in america they were giving these kids pencils called don't do

drugs and as they sharpened them the word don't disappeared and they said do drugs not very smart and you just put that the other way around what is expected tends to be realized when a child is doing something like climbing a tree and the mother goes you're gonna fall you're gonna break your leg oh my god you're gonna break your ankle you can make that happen and when you say to the child now i know you're climbing the tree look where you're putting your hands look where you're going to place your feet focus on what

you're doing that will be realized so in powerful language you can never say you can fall you're going to mess that up you're going to ruin everything that's just not going to work out you have to say the opposite okay i've only got 10 minutes to prepare my speech i only need 10 minutes i've only got 10 minutes to get there that's exactly how much time i need and if i'm late i wasn't supposed to be there on time i have a belief now when i get to a party late it's because it wasn't i

wasn't meant to get there early i no longer got my god i'm so late this is going to be terrible if i i was recently going in a cab across town to get a train to work with a football team and we got stuck in traffic and so i was playing a game i thought oh my god i'm going to miss the train this is terrible i'm going to ruin my reputation the team are going to be so upset and i felt really sick and then i started to say the trains run every 20 minutes

it doesn't matter what's 20 minutes my material is so great they have lots of time after all they finished practicing at three o'clock and and it was fine so all the way there i was playing a game and i actually got the train on time but they really wouldn't have minded but i could have ruined my day made myself panicky and sweaty by going oh my god i haven't got enough time and now it's all ruined and it's never ruined you can come back from anything and then i worked for the client who had cancer

and had to go into this mri scanner and every time i saw him he said i can't i can't do it i can't get in that scanner and i want to say well i feel like i'm in my coffin i feel like it's a premonition of my death and i get in the scanner i think well i've got cancer and i'm gonna die and i said well i freak out i press the button i have to come out and they keep saying look you've got to go i can't i can't even be in there for

two seconds which is not true second i can't do it for even a second he probably was in there for a few minutes i said look the words you say to yourself in that scanner this is a premonition of my death i feel like i'm in a coffin i feel like i'm suffocating and i can't do it that's a blueprint and your mind doesn't like those words so how about these words how about saying i'm in my bed at home and i'm just so chilled and i could lie here for hours i'm chilled i'm relaxed

i'm blissed out you must use words that make a picture you can't go oh i'm okay really i'm quite good i'm not bad this is okay because when i say the words okay not bad where's the picture there's no pictures what i call fluff when you say i'm chilled i'm blissed out i'm ecstatic i'm just lying here and i could do this for hours it's just so cool the mind goes you're right and when you go i'm in a coffin and i'm suffocating the mind goes you're right see here's a great thing you can choose

any word you like you can go well we're all going to be negative and this half's going to be positive that's your choice you know what you can't choose what you do to yourself when you say i'm an idiot i'm a i'm a i've got rocks for brains everything goes wrong who would ever like me i've got cellulite i'm a single parent i've got no chance blah blah blah i didn't go to college so i couldn't possibly do what you do i got kicked out of college by the way so you can definitely do what

i do and it was the best thing that ever happened to me i can look at my life and say being fired being dumped and being kicked out of college thank you god for putting that in up to me because it changed my life it was the best thing rejection has been one of the best things that ever happened to me being the least favorite kid if i could have my life again i'd go back and be the least favorite kid because i thought i'm going to show my parents that i'm something and if i

was the favorite i wouldn't have done that i would have had a totally different life so with my client i was saying you know these words are really important so he got in the scanner he stayed there for hours and he said that when he came out all the nurses and doctors came in and gave him a standing ovation he said it was more powerful than his last business deal because he felt so good some years later i had to go in a scandal i thought well i'm just going to play with this i love

playing with the words so i lay there and i was going i'm so chilled this is so good how many of us says i'd love 20 minutes to myself well here i am 20 minutes to myself i can lie here and do nothing no one's going can you proof this copy can you answer this email can you speak to this client my daughter's going mummy my boiler's broken in my apartment can you come over right now and fix it i had 20 minutes to myself and i was going i'm so chilled and then i thought

let's do the opposite so i was like i'm in a coffin i've got claustrophobia i feel like i'm trapped and all the buzzers went off and i didn't even know i was moving and then they speak to overlaps with marissa you have to lie completely still stop moving so i had to go back into i'm chilled i'm ecstatic i'm blissed out and i love doing that it's a really good thing to do to yourself i'm late i've ruined everything i have all the time i need you see you have a choice every day you get

to choose how to speak to yourself you know what you don't get to choose what you do to your body when you say i'm an idiot i knew i'd mess that up i knew that relationship wouldn't work i've been waiting for it to go wrong in fact the day we got married i stuck stickers on all my stuff so when we got divorced there'd be no confusion i was already planning the miscarriage i didn't buy anything for my baby i mean who does that lots of people apparently they're all my clients and they plan for

stuff to go wrong they say i sent my kid to college and i said don't worry you're probably going to hate it here's a credit card so you can get a return ticket back in a week's time they plan it and you don't want to plan it you want to ban it so words are really powerful you can choose to be negative or positive that's your choice but you cannot choose what you do to yourself when you use negative language so the first rule of the mind what you expect is realized who thinks that's true

so here's my advice to you expect amazing things then if what is expected tends to be realized expect the best expect love and success and an amazing life because you know what it will probably be realized really fast if you expect it imagination is more powerful than knowledge when dealing with your own mind and the mind of others if i said to any of you come and stand on this who would come and stand on this chair i'll give you a hundred dollars to stand on this chair sure if i said well now the chair

is that is on top of that spire on the highest building in tallinn who's going to climb up and stand in it for a hundred dollars who would do that some people would because they've got a good imagination if i can stand on it there i can send most people go no i could fall you've got a little tiny plank up here you can walk the plank when it's on the floor put the plank between two high-rise buildings who's going to walk it not many people because the imagination that you could fall and kill yourself

is way more powerful than the knowledge that i did this on the ground it's wide enough fear of flying knowledge says it's actually the safest place in the world the most dangerous part of a flight is actually the drive to the airport that's way more dangerous than being in the plane do you think the imagination cares we're going in a flying coffin i'm hurtling through the air and that guy looks like he's come straight out of isis and he's in the bar i think he's going to blow up the plane and then you feel terrible

the other person's going i'm watching a movie i've always wanted to watch the shape of water this is so great here's my time again to do nothing so whatever you imagine will defeat logic or defeat knowledge and when dealing with children people do logical why are you so bad why can't you get it what's going on why are you so naughty and that doesn't work i never say to kids why are you about to go what happened to you working with a little kid recently always played up before lunch and would get hysterical after every

meal and i'd actually been in an orphanage in zimbabwe and i'd seen that a lot that at the end of meals the kids start weeping uncontrollably because they don't know when the next meal is coming and they go look you're in an orphanage it's fine we have food you'll be fed three times a day it takes about two years for those children to stop crying as they remove the plates because the emotion is when's the next meal coming so this little boy was really difficult at school and he'd been to three different schools and one

of the teachers contacted me and i said when is it well he always does it before meals and i said you should ask him not why he does it but what happened to him and then the mother came and said well i adopted him at one he was born to crackheads and he used to cry when i left the room and when i read his notes his parents would leave the room for three days and he didn't get fed very much and so he's got this panic about not being fed and i said well you

should tell the school that and of course you can't logically say to a child look you're going to be fed every four hours you have to go look you have some memories they're really sad but mommy is going to put some nuts in your bag and you're always going to have something and you can't do it logically because feeling is more powerful than logic the feeling you're going to die on a plane will always wipe out the logic this is the safest way to travel one of my clients said please help me i've done the

logic i went to british airways flying course i walked into the carpet wearing shorts and i lost control of my bowels in front of everyone now i'm even more scared about flying because this was of course to make you better they were logically showing me all the controls when they said they were taking off i had a terrible accident i knew it was bad because the pilot put a mask on and i had to be taken off that plane and now i'm even further back from ever flying because logic doesn't work emotion does and so

i would talk to her and say you know you have to pretend you're at the front you have to say when you're on the plane i love it oh my god flying thrills me it elates me it empowers me it delights me i love flying your mind goes you're right and when you go i'm going to be blown out of the sky so smithereens your mind goes you're right because here's another rule of the mind it does not care if what you thought is right or wrong good or bad true or false healthy or unhealthy

just lets it in when we say i'd die if my next relationship ends if if i got hurt like this again it would kill me the mind goes you know what if it would kill you why don't i just turn you into a complete you never have another relationship again and then it can't kill you right i mean you'll never have love no no or men who go you know women are ball breakers they just want your money i'm done with women i couldn't go through that again it would kill me if i had to

lose half my property again the mind goes that's my job you see we think our mind's job is to make us happy it really isn't it's to make us survive a go against what were once really pretty bad odds and how we survive is every time we say something that would kill me i'd die if that happened the mind goes on red alert to stop it happening in the same way if you ate some mushrooms and were violently sick you'll find the minute you think oh no mushrooms again or shellfish and the next time you

see shellfish you go oh no no i couldn't eat that because your mind will always remember what hurts you because its job is to keep you alive by making sure you don't get hurt but it doesn't know what hurts you until you say that last boyfriend broke my heart shredded it to pieces and jumped on it no he just got bored with you and you probably got bored with him or wasn't the right fit or a number of things yeah and everything he loved in you was still in you he was just your starter boyfriend

maybe he was your starter husband but he didn't kill you but we tell ourselves all this crazy stuff and then wonder why we feel so crazy when all we have to do is tell ourselves better stuff my mum will kill me if i get my shoes dirty my dad will kill me if i don't get all a's my dad will go crazy if i come home with a bad report card which is not true but if you believe that then you create a world of stress or because of what you say to yourself and tell

yourself but that's actually very good news because since you say it you can say something better yeah always what's the thing that you see the most that people struggle with is it um a stress an overwhelming anxiousness a fear it's always a belief i'm not enough that's the biggest thing in fact i always say to all my clients there's only three things wrong with everyone everyone has got three things wrong the number one is i'm not enough the second one is i'm different so i can't connect and the third is i really want something like

freedom from depression or success but it's not available but i'm not enough is the biggest i mean i've worked with hundreds of thousands of addicts i've never found one ever that ever believed they're enough and if we look at the key addiction shopping binging on food binging on alcohol binging on drugs sex sex especially porn all of those things come from a feeling of emptiness inside because we're taught oh you feel a feeling why don't you eat some doughnuts or go onto ebay and buy or amazon buy something or have a drink and our feelings

are the most real thing we have and we push them down we find all this stuff to buy or eat or drink or take to keep us like john lennon said comfortably numb but then the feelings regroup and come back because they've always got a job to do and i would say to my clients look you've got to feel the feeling until it no longer requires to be felt you can't eat it or drink it or shop it away but we're all taught that we can and should so i'm not enough is the biggest problem

i see i mean if you look at amy winehouse or george michael or whitney houston or philip seymour hof an immense talent a gift beauty why don't they feel like they were enough though well when the world says you are enough yeah i'm going to celebrate you you're going to have everything you want we're going to talk about you constantly stroke here you go yeah pay you a ton of money how come they still can't get over that they're not enough that's a great question there's a couple of things first of all if you're amy

winehouse and someone says write a song and you write back to black in five minutes they give you eight million dollars it's what i call the self-destructedness of talent i didn't earn that it's a bit like a lottery winner i didn't work for that i got to get rid of it you know lottery winners who haven't had money will almost always go bankrupt very quickly so if you didn't earn it it has no value yeah not feeling like well i didn't work 10 years for this or yeah even with guys you know guys like to

pursue women so they don't if you just give it up to them immediately they like it but they don't want to see you again because you've taken away their desire to earn it if your dad isn't heir and gives you a ton of money to open a business you won't respect it because you didn't earn it so the first thing is this came to me so easily therefore it has no value at all and that's a big thing with rock stars and music stars who debase it but the second thing is with many people like

for instance george michael and whitney houston always had to pretend they were straight they have to live a lie from the very beginning michael jackson had to pretend to have this lovely god-fearing wonderful walton type family and we know that wasn't true amy had to pretend that she didn't mind at all that her dad left her mum when she was four and she minded very much indeed so when you fake it and fake it and fake it and fool the world you can't fool yourself and then you're pl you're living a line eventually it comes

back and people like whitney who is just so talented then use drugs to hide the pain because i can't now come out and say that i'm not straight and i'm portrayed of this bible bashing god fearing man heterosexual man loving girl and that's not me i'm a party animal i like women but she wasn't allowed to say that it's coming from the church and everything else coming from the church and it's so unfair to do that to people because you make them pretend to be something else which causes intense stress and then when your intense

stress what do you do you have to take drugs i remember years ago carrie fisher's mother saying that she would appear on screen with two baby diaper pins on her shirt and she was america's golden girl but her husband was cheating she was a chronic bulimic all her life and hid that and such a shame you mentioned something about leaning into the feelings until if you no longer need to feel them or before they go away feel the feeling that it no longer requires to be felt why do we why should we do that so

give me an example okay so let's imagine you you and your ex-wife are not getting on and you have a feeling of rage about the fact that she's trying to get your kid to call the new guy daddy and she's blocking you out and you feel so angry you think i mustn't feel angry you know she's doing it for the interest of my kid or and so i just drink the anger and i drink the anger and you see with a feeling it's the most real thing you have a feeling is like a little kid

in a class going notice me i'm over here and if you don't they get more and more out of control and so when you don't acknowledge your things they regroup and they regroup until they become outraged rage coming out and then suddenly they go a bit crazy in the car park of the store or the line of a store because the mind says i've got all this rage wants to come out someone just cut into the line take it out on them and it's so ineffective because i have something i call triple a which is

be aware of your feeling most people have no idea what they feel like i shouldn't feel jealous i shouldn't feel envious i shouldn't be furious with this kid who's keeping me up all night so they're not aware of it they certainly can't accept and they never get to articulate if you can say you know my wife's a good person but actually i'm furious with what she's doing it really hurts my feelings that's why group therapy in places like aaa the good thing is you get to say sometimes i could quite cheerfully um hurt my wife

i'm not going to but i feel like oh yeah i feel like that too because when you can express your feeling it goes away it goes away immediately but when you're indicated yeah even to yourself so if your mother-in-law is the absolute from hell and you can't say by the way dorothy you are the most horrible mother-in-law in the wild but you just go and shut yourself in the bathroom turn on the taps flush it on it and say dorothy is a really unpleasant mother-in-law and one of mine yeah you feel so much better because

you're not saying it to them it's like feelings are like gas they're in or they're out and they hurt much more when you keep them in and you want to let them out maybe gasoline obviously right in the middle of a meeting but when you keep stuff in it causes you pain and one of my amazing therapists said my mother-in-law really was the mother-in-law from hell and i could never say anything because my husband was the golden boy but after i trained it i started to say you know brenda you're a really unhappy person and

i know you're trying to hurt my feelings but i just feel so bad and brenda finally said well you know i've been bulimic for 32 years nobody knows could you help me she completely transformed that woman in two sessions never been bulimic since now says she likes me more than her son now i'm now the daughter-in-law from heaven i've got a big halo wow but when we keep everything in it does so much damage it's like little kids they get angry and we shout at them they go oh my anger makes you angry and i'm

not allowed to be angry i'm not allowed to say hurt me and all psychiatrists will tell you that and if you want to be sorted out here's something you must do express your hurt as close to the event that hurt you happening as possible you can't say to your dad you know 20 years asked for a bike and you got me a skateboard i didn't want that what i worked nights to buy you that bike you can't get any resolution after 10 years or 20 years but when you can say to your friend look i

love you you're my friend but it really hurt me when you didn't even turn up to my wedding and i still had to pay for all of that you didn't call and it hurt me i still love you but you hurt my feelings then it's gone but when you keep it in it doesn't when you say to the thing you make me feel sad anything well you make me feel angry i didn't come to your wedding because your guest list that was extortionate asking for all this stuff i mean i'm not bank of america and

i didn't want to buy that stuff but you can't get resolution yeah but when you say i was hurt when oh i felt hurt by and you can say it to a wall you can say it to a force you can say it to a mirror you can write it down it's not for the other person it's good to say it because it's out then and then it goes away it's the most wonderful thing it goes away and then everything is so different yeah it's interesting because of the last two years specifically it's been magnified

with men in the media who created all these you know killing shootings yeah i know racial marches political distress you know domestic violence all these things have been happening and it's been magnified over the last couple of years right with me too and time's up and everything and as a society when men are unable to express or communicate themselves or they could be known as weak or soft or whatever the word is it's it's hard for them to to express themselves in any other way except for this blow up yeah especially when you say this

like stop acting like a girl you're running like a girl exactly you're acting like a girl don't be a worse yeah don't be it's like less than their manhood yeah of course there's no wonder why if it's not acceptable for men to express themselves in this way it's hard for them to just be stoic constantly i'm not saying it's okay what they've done but to act out but i think society in general needs to have a big group hug and let it out in a way where it's more acceptable to our expressions and also whenever

anyone does anything wrong we go what's wrong with you we should say what happened to you what happened to you and they'll go well you know my mom always said she didn't want a girl boy she wanted a girl and i've been brought up giving an example i had a city trader as a client who really had problems trading and his boss said you know he's the best trader but he's so nervous and when i worked with him when he was a kid his parents had two girls and then him and he would smash his

tonka toys are gonna go what's wrong with you look at your sisters just combing their doll's hair and they're so good and why are you so aggressive and a four-year-old can't go well because i have something called testosterone and they don't and i'm designed to run and jump and hunt and fish and i've got to learn what to do with aggression smashing my cars together is good for me he didn't a four-year-old doesn't have anything because they live in the world yeah they just live in a world of feeling not logic and he said i

never realized just spent my whole life thinking something is wrong with me because my friends so everything comes what's wrong with you look how neat this is they don't get peas on the floor when they eat and he said i heard it every day until i formed a belief something's wrong with me he didn't date women because he thought well i should be like one but i want to be like a man and that session totally turned him around he said it was like someone had sprayed it with pheromones because he went out that night

when we were attaching themselves like a magnet but he just got rid of the feeling of something's wrong with me because most people do walk around something's wrong with me i'm just majorly messed up and you can't heal no one understands me and no one gets yeah and i don't understand me and if i don't understand me how can you and why should i even be here yeah because you can't heal what you can't understand and so all the treating the symptom is like putting a band-aid on an infection it doesn't when you understand it

you can totally change your perception of what it is because events actually don't affect you but the meaning you attach isn't the story we tell ourselves the story and that's i love that because when when i just got all my stevie awards it's like i feel like i've got an oscar and that's good because i take client stories and i give them a happy ending always give them a happy ending but then you have to understand a bit more of psychology because humans are hardwired to recreate what they know we like what's familiar even if

that's very even if it's very bad if i've never had money and i win the lottery i'm going to get rid of it or if i've never had love and you love me i'm going to reject you because it's so unfamiliar if i've had a dad who calls me an idiot and worthless guess what kind of guy i like that's it because when i meet them i go oh i feel like i've known this guy my whole life we just clicked and they think oh my god it's because he's my dad but i've been sleeping

there for six months i don't know what to do with that now because we are wired to like what is familiar and to resist what's unfamiliar and that's what kept us alive when we lived in waters you didn't go i'm a bit bored with this group i think i'll go outside the walled city and find another tribe because they might have killed you so we have this wiring that says run towards what's familiar and run away from what's unfamiliar but the very good news is you can make anything familiar and the most important thing to

make familiar is praising yourself that's if you could just do that that in itself would change your entire life how do you praise yourself well you get out in the morning and go i'm a good person i have a skill i have a town i have something to offer the world i'm here for a reason you look in the mirror and go oh there you are you're a good person you got a good heart you know the most important way to answer that question is this what did you always want your dad to tell you

even if you never had a dad if you had a dad a good dad what would he have said what would your mama said what would a nice teacher have said to you and it would be something like this i'm proud of you you're a good son i'm so glad i'm your dad how lucky i got to have you and a teacher would say you're such a smart kid what a joy it is to teach you because you're smart and we all want to hear the same stuff i love you i'm proud of you you're

interesting you're great coming nobody needs to hear i'm the best dentist in beverly hills because that doesn't work it's emotions and many of my clients their mother might be dead but they're still trying to get her to approve of them dad's living in another country but they're still working to make him like them and you know the most important thing is you like you so whatever you wanted to hear say it to yourself because your mind doesn't even know that it's coming it also doesn't care your mind doesn't care what you tell it is right

or wrong or true or false or even if it's good or bad it lets it in like chapstick on your lips your lips don't go is this organic fair trade just lets it in it needs a bit of nourishment and we need some nourishment and words are very nourishing and there is actually nothing on the planet that will raise your self-esteem like praise but self praise is better because i said to you i just adore you you're amazing by the way you know can you do this and this and this i've manipulated you but if

i say it to myself my mind knows there's no manipulation and the mind likes repetition and when you say every day your mind kind of goes oh yeah here you go again with that praise you say it every day must be true and now it sinks in problem is if you criticize yourself every day it says the same thing as well and that hurts you it's interesting because you know the big talents that commit suicide or die you know the um who's the comedian robin robin williams williams amy winehouse all these individuals who had the

world praising them yeah they weren't able to praise themselves yeah they and they don't let it in it doesn't matter if everyone else acknowledges you yeah it does matter but you have to be willing to acknowledge yeah as well right and they're familiar unfamiliar if praise is unfamiliar but criticism is familiar when you say to someone like robin williams oh my god that last show was funny guys didn't you notice i i've left out the best i fluffed a word it wasn't as good as the one before so if you're not used to praise you'll

reject it and if you're used to criticism you'll add it in because we do what's familiar so if we say to someone i love your book they go oh actually it's not that good the other one is much i love your talk oh i got it in a car boot sale it's five years i've got a hole in it so if we haven't got praise we actually reject it and you just have to say to yourself i'm going to make this familiar i'm going to praise myself every day might feel weird but i'll keep doing

it it's a bit like running you know running isn't familiar especially around beverly hills but if you put your shoes on and go for a run on concrete eventually it becomes familiar and then you like it i mean sticking a lens in your eye that's the weirdest thing very unfamiliar the first few times oh my god i'm coming in my eye like that and then after a while you can do it almost without thinking because you get used to it you can make anything familiar or unfamiliar and my advice to everyone is look at your

bad habits and make them unfamiliar and look at what you want especially praise and make it familiar more so because if you've got a startup or you're working for yourself the days of a boss going well done good job pat on the back are over and you have appraised muscle and no one's going to build it up except for you but if you build it up it makes you bulletproof yeah it's fascinating i'm so glad you're talking about this because we have a similar philosophy and a lot of people that come to me are afraid

of certain things and at an early age i was afraid of a lot of things he was afraid to talk to girls as a you know 12 year old i was afraid of speaking in public i was afraid of dancing i was afraid of all those things right and i got so sick and tired of being afraid that i just said i'm going to give myself a challenge every day you know when i had a when i was afraid of girls i was like every time i see a girl that gives me butterflies i'm going

to go up to them and start a conversation and it's terrifying and i'm sweating and i'm stumbling over words and people rejected me the first few times but i just kept doing it and yeah the girl said hi yeah nice to see you and you get a little confidence yeah until you know by the end of the summer when i was a teenager it was like every girl was talking to me of course and i tell people you gotta embrace the fear until the fear disappears yeah it's similar with the feelings yeah you gotta live

in the feelings until what would you say feel the feeling that it no longer requires to be felt that's great because what you're really describing so eloquently is you had a massive fear of rejection talking to girls speaking in public asking doing enough yes someone asking to implore you or pay you so we have a great fear of rejection which is not surprising because when we're born we have two drivers find connection avoid rejection after all if a mother rejects a child if a lion rejects the cub it's not going to be adopted it will

die yeah or it just starves to death and so we know innately that our survival on the planet is linked to not being rejected and not that long ago you would have died from rejection you know in in a thousand years ago when they banished you outside the walls of the city or you marooned a difficult sailor or you cast someone out of the community you pretty much died there was nothing out there but purgatory so we have a wiring that says rejection will kill me and that's why you have the fear but when you

can dialogue with the other guy no it feels like it will kill me it can't kill me because no girl can reject me unless i give her my permission right give them my power you can't reject me unless i agree with everything i don't like you because you've got short hair i don't like your shirt i don't like you because you're white not white tall short glasses not but when you say you can't reject me i'm i can't be rejected because the only person you can reject me is me you can talk to girls realizing

even if they say no you're not my type i'm with someone no thanks or even ooh not no they can only reject if you let that in and we look at someone like james corden who's certainly not gorgeous but women love him because he's funny so funny and you know we like warm people you know the the packaging is all very nice well as well have a great packaging a great rapper and it'll but they're unhappy and so our greatest fear is to be rejected but the truth is in 2018 you could live in this

apartment have amazon deliver your groceries never see a soul and you probably live until you're 106. yeah wouldn't i advise it but we don't die of rejection anymore but we still feel like we will and all schools should be teaching kids you cannot be rejected you can ask for a pay rise you can ask for crowd funding you can go to someone go here's my idea you can write a book speak in public because i was a lot of actors who say i'm so scared of rejection i'm like well how are you going to be

an actor then because you're supposed to be rejected so you and i write books for everyone who loves it there's going to be the odd person because i hate this book and i hate that writer too but we don't let it in we have to laugh about it when you give a youtube talk i mean i've got one of my talks got like three million views and there's a few in there going i hate her stuck up english snob but they don't know me because that's not me at all but i don't go oh my

god i can never write another book i can i'm okay because i don't let it in because the only opinion that matters is my opinion i know i'm not a stuck-up english snob so that can't hurt me because if it did i wouldn't be sharing it with you right yeah so if everyone's giving you negative feedback or critical feedback on who you are your performance yeah your work how does someone not let it affect them how does someone say okay that's such a great question so if someone just comes in and goes i hate that

shirt well that that color is so not you or you should never have cut your hair or oh you've got a bit heavy you just go thanks for sharing that just a really simple thing which says thank you for sharing your opinion which i can choose to not let in you don't have to do anything else when the minute you go your shirt's pretty awful look at your hair or calling me heavy you look you you look anorexic you've let it in and now you're trying to retaliate and it's like a game of tennis if

you put down your racket and walk off the court you can't volley so the first thing to say is thanks for sharing that and it's very good for the little barbs we get from people family friends sisters cousins exes um if someone is really mean and says you know i listened to your talk on youtube oh my god you stank up the place i was embarrassed for you then you go back and you say i missed that could you repeat that for me slowly they were usually not bothered because they know that in you asking

them to repeat it slowly you're going to call them out on it and they should go oh me and my big mouth i'm just having a bad i didn't actually really watch it anyway just ignore me and if they do you must not go after them and go no i want you just repeat it right now say it to my face don't do that because a bit like a lion who bears the teeth they're saying back off and i don't want to attack you when a lion bears its teeth you don't go up to it

you walk away it gives you a chance to retract so saying could you repeat that slowly is giving the person a chance to retract they almost always do but occasionally they'll come back and go no i just said you're so wooden as a speaker as an insult to wood and then you have your third reaction which is oh are you trying to make me feel bad about myself amazing they usually go no no me no i thought i should tell you how bad you are because you need to get help or never speak in public

again or i mean i had a nanny once it was so awful i had to say to darling you're wonderful but you're not meant to be a nanny and i didn't criticize her i just advised her to go and do something else and we're still friends sometimes people think that the criticism and the barbs and the humor are a good way to give you a message so when you say you're trying to hurt my feelings they often say no when you're being bullied at school if you say they go yeah i really am i want

to hurt your voice that's the point dummy why because it's a domination bullying is just dominating it's a bit like a seesaw the bully feels there at the bottom and you're above them and they can only diminish you or embellish themselves to be above you on this little seesaw so they feel inferior yeah who doesn't always feel inferior so let's imagine you you're poor your dad drinks you don't have any money and there's this kid with new trainers and new backpack and they come up and say you're just a or you're gay because they want

they can't really embellish themselves so the next option is let me diminish you i mean the embellishment isn't i'm you're the no one in my family has been divorced so when we fight it must be your fault i mean you're from divorced people or well i've got a degree and you haven't or i've already raised a kid and i've got no problem with those ones so this must be your fault so you can embellish yourself but if you calm you go into diminishment and so when when when someone says yes i am trying to hurt

your feelings you simply reply well it's not going to work because i'm not letting that in and i was in my garden last week filming an anti-bullying program which we're giving away to every school and i had these kids and this little girl was saying um i'm not letting that in that's not going to work and i said how do you first because i feel so good because he's not hurting my face i'm not letting it in he can't hurt me because i'm just saying i'm not going to let that in and then when it

was his turn he said i'm kind of running i'm becoming demotivated to bully her i'm totally demotivating i was enjoying it because he got to the horrible things he said i'm so demon i'm running out of stuff to say because she just won't let it in and then they switched and she said the same thing what's the point he's not letting it in i just just want to stop this now so that's the fourth option well that won't work because i'm not letting it in and the fifth stage is to say particularly with adults like

if you have a bullying co-worker do you know since we're sharing here you do know don't you that people who are critical have so much criticism reserved for themselves they actively dislike themselves and you're actually showing me and the entire office that you really don't like yourself like critiquing me yeah by critic you're just showing me yeah critical people always have criticism reserved for themselves they are full of self-criticism but they reflect it out and superior people and happy people always praise and people who feel inadequate always criticize because criticize withers you and praise builds

you up and if you can use those five techniques thanks for sharing could you repeat that are you trying to hurt my feelings won't work i'm not letting it in since we're sharing did you know what is running your critical behavior you don't let it in and being able to not let in criticism that too will change your life it it makes you bulletproof you can't stop people being mean and having a horrible day and we now have trolling which is becoming an epidemic so it's actually worse our kids used to get bullied at school

and go home to a sanctuary another bullied online now they're bullied online on the phone and it's it never ends and they feel really attacked and see when you find trolls they're usually really miserable and unhappy but they love the power because they have no power they live on their own or with their mum they have no life i mean we had a terrible situation in england where somebody was trolling this person whose child had been kidnapped and when they exposed her she killed herself oh man which was a terrible thing for her but obviously

her sense of shame that she was outed and to kill herself but she must have felt terrible i felt so sorry for her but she was very vicious in her trolling but that's a really unhappy person she needed a lot of help but when you can teach people to come back from criticism without fighting or going well i hate you too or you're all shut up or crying when you can just teach them look i'm not letting it it's like if i try to give you a gift you go and i don't need that gift

i'm holding the gift i can't give you something if you don't take it i can't serve papers on you unless you accept them i can't serve a to you unless you volley it back so when you learn that people can try and give you anything but if you don't accept it you haven't let it in and if you don't let it in it can't hurt you it just hurts the person who's left holding it and i've worked all over the world with people who have it all ceos and movie stars and athletes and what i

discovered working with the world's highest achievers is that they're not so different to you or me except they understand how to unlock the full potential of their mind and i'm going to show you today how to unlock the full potential of your mind here's the thing about your mind to understand it works for you you don't work for it your mind has one job and that job is to keep you alive on the planet against what once not really great odds so your mind's job is to make sure you live to live you have to

find connection and avoid rejection that's how we survive survival was always a numbers game the more we would connect to the more we would make it the less we got rejected the more we would make it and so if you want to unlock the potential of your mind first of all you have to understand that you have to not see rejection as a life-threatening event that will kill you because it won't it can often make you stronger and then you need to understand that there are five things that very successful people do quite naturally many

of them and you can do them unnaturally and if you do them unnaturally enough they become natural they become your own and here's the first tip to unlock the vast potential of your mind people who succeed do what they do not want to do to get to where they want to be an olympic athlete will get up at five in the morning chip the ice off their car windscreen and they will train in the snow they train in the cold they train on christmas day they eat a different diet they push themselves because they want

to get a medal so people who succeed are always prepared to do what they don't want to do to get to where they want to be and they do it first people who fail without meaning to will give up their dream faster than do what they don't want if you want to unlock the potential of your mind you must be prepared do what you do not want to do to get to where you want here's a simple example you want to look great in your jeans and look great on the beach you've got to do

what you don't want to do which is for go cakes and cookies and sandwiches and ice cream is like okay to get what i want i've got to accept i can't have this i got to do what i don't want to get where i want i got to give up cookies to get the body i want i want to write a best-selling book i'm going to have to stay up late on my own writing editing sending it out to publishers i might reject it i've got to do a lot of what i don't want to

do to get to where i want to i'm going to be a speaker i'm going to walk on stage and people might not like me it's very pressured walking on stage but if you want a platform you do what you don't want to do to get to where you want to be do what you don't do naturally and then you get to where you want to be and you must do what you don't want to do first that is very important i've got to make a difficult call i've got to speak to someone on a

difficult situation i've got to go to the gym and i don't like the gym i've got to do all this stuff i don't want to do but if i want to get to where i want to go and do what i don't want and i'm going to do it first and doing what you don't want to do first makes you feel like a winner here's a third way that you unlock the vast potential of your mind come back from rejection do not allow yourself to see no as a negative one direction they didn't win x

factor and they didn't go and go we didn't win we weren't voted the winners they said well it doesn't matter we'll come back and many people have come second or third on places like shark tank and dragon's den have gone on to have immense success coming back from failure doesn't mean you don't fail it's how quickly you get up again if you do not let in rejection if you will not take no for an answer then you will come back the sopranos as a series was rejected desperate housewives was rejected meryl streep was rejected whoopi

goldberg was rejected many people who have immense success have been deeply rejected and it's not the rejections what you do about it do you allow it to make you hide and go i know i can't be rejected again or do you come back coming back from no seeing it as a delay and not a denial is a huge ability to unlock the potential of your mind and finally most people don't want to hear this people who make it take action every single day in the direction of their goals and someone said to michael jordan you're

so lucky he's the more i practice the luckier i become if you're like that don't take two weeks off and sit around the house eating pizza if you take action every day in the direction of your goals you can only succeed so do what you don't want to do first don't take no for an answer come back from rejection take action every day in the direction of your goals do not allow destructive criticism to slow you down remember that we all get criticized we all hear mean things we'll go i hate your product i hated

that book i hated you [Music] you're able to decide what to do with that or shape your life because events don't affect you as strange as it may sound it's the meaning you attach you can hear someone at school say you'll never around to anything and you have a choice you're right or i'll show you. someone can say i don't like this product it's rubbish and you can go okay i just go home and give up or you can go into that i'll show you when you have a brilliant mind and you do have a

brilliant mind you always have a choice rationalize why you feel so bad so defeated or talk yourself out of it so the final potential of your brilliant mind to unlock is this your mind listens to every word you say every word you say and every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body must work to meet when you say if i get rejected again it will destroy me i could never do that because you know i can't do rejection that's not good for me because i'm no good with confrontation i can't ask

what i want i have a great problem speaking to people i'm not good when attention is on me when you say that you are stating a blueprint and now your mind and body have no choice no choice but to turn into the blueprint who's there i love dogs aren't they amazing they're man's best friend they're so i could never live in a world without dogs find dogs that love people say oh i don't like dogs they're vicious they're unpredictable you never know when they're gonna turn on you have different animals even people who say with

children well you know they're neurotic and it's such hard work having a baby is the hardest job in the world they keep you up all night i never believed that i found it easy and wonderful and joyous because you get to choose what you say about anything and if you really really really want to unlock your vast potential here's something else i must add in your potential expands as you move towards you have no idea no idea what your potential is because as you move towards it it moves and it moves again and it moves

again and when your mind moves to a new dimension you know what it never ever ever moves back it's why athletes break olympic records and then 20 other people break the same record and then someone breaks an even better record so you don't have to know what your potential is and some of you don't but you do know this your potential expands as you move towards it then it expands again and expands and it never goes back so if you want to unlock phenomenal potential talk to your mind like this say hey mind this is

what i want from my life this is what i insist on this is what i require of myself i require taking action every day in the direction of my goals if i don't want to do something i'm going to do it first that's what winners do and i want to be a winner i require myself to come back from no to come back from rejection to take action every day to take where i want to go to do what i don't want to do and to like the process and if you say to your mind

i want this i like it i've chosen it your mind doesn't stop to go is that true or not true is that a useful or not useful belief is that healthy or unhealthy it lets it in so think about what you want and tell your mind i want this i require this i insist on this this is what i want this is what i require so many of my clients who are famous rocks as well you know the first two years it was really hard i went up and down the freeway in the back of

a van with five other guys there were no seats in there it was awful we traveled all night we had no money we shared horrible digs like four of us in a room but we kept our mind on the vision we want to be rock stars if this is the price we have to pay traveling up and down the freeway not getting enough we'll pay the price we'll pay the price to get to where we want to be and of course when you get to where you want to be you forget the price you paid

but you must be willing to pay that price do what you don't want to do do it first come back from no come back from rejection take action every day in the direction of your goals and talk to your mind like it's a pa that needs your guidance i want this i require this i insist on this i want this here's another sentence that will change your life and unlock your potential i have chosen to do this and i have chosen to feel great about it i have chosen to stay up all night working on

my business working on my website working on my book my novel my poetry my painting my business plan i have chosen to put in the hours what i've chosen to feel great about it is your mind doesn't stop to disagree or agree it just accepts it and when you say i've chosen this i've chosen to say no to cake and yes to apples because i want to have a flat stomach your mind says okay when you go oh it's so difficult you know i really want to be fit but i don't want to eat apples

i need cake i love cake cake is my friend now your mind is so confused because you told it what you didn't want i didn't want to give up doughnuts and fast food and mcdonald's but i really do want a flat so i don't want to do that people who succeed focus on what they want and they say what's the price i'll pay it so i want you to imagine i'm inviting you to join a club the club is the club where you will unlock the potential of your phenomenal mind but you have to pay

membership dues like all good clubs and here are the membership dues that you must pay to join the club for people who've unlocked their phenomenal potential you must pay the membership due of taking action every day towards your goals every day there is no day off on the way out plenty when you've made it and even if you're just taking one act on a weekend doing a bit of research sending some emails you will always feel like a winner here's another membership dude do what you don't want to do to get to where you want

to go studying applying yourself learning something new asking for help you don't want to do it do it anyway and you must do it first when you do it first you feel good about yourself all day you must bounce back from no you must not let rejection stop you it's a delay but not a denial one of my clients who is a very very famous rocks i said you know everyone says i was an overnight successes and the truth is that overnight was 12 long years i sang jingles i sang backing singing i sometimes thought

i'd never make it but i kept going i kept my eye on what i wanted to do when i was rejected i came back when someone said no i said i'm going to come back until you say yes and then i made it and now i've made it it's almost like a dream those 12 long years i can hardly even remember them and that's important so be prepared to take those actions be prepared to dialogue with your mind to talk to your mind to remember you don't work for it it works for you give it

clear detailed instructions remember the blueprint and make your blueprint crystal glare i require this i demand this of myself i insist on this i give this to myself you must act in a way that is utterly consistent with the way you define yourself define yourself as a winner adopt those habits until they feel like you've always had them make them your own and if you make those habits your own you will only unlock your potential not just now for the rest of your long joyful happy life so if you think you can and if you

think you can't you're absolutely right because you are what you think and every athlete every olympic athlete bar none every celebrity every rock star or actor that you see must believe in themselves for people to believe in you as an athlete as a performer they have to believe in themselves first they have to have a belief that is so strong so invincible so consistent so ever present that others believe it you know muhammad ali said i told myself i was the greatest before i really was the greatest before it became true and then it became

true what a concept say i'm the greatest and become the greatest and will say to michael jordan gosh you're lucky said i know the more i practice the luckier i become so what he's really saying is i have earned my greatness and we often look at seeing as we look at movie stars we think well that was easy it isn't often easy ed sheeran slept in parks he bust in the street he was determined to make it he got a lot of rejection he knew he had a phenomenal gift a phenomenal talent and he must

share that with the world he knew that eminem was laughed at when he became a rapper but he knew that he was great he was amazing he was gifted and if you're given that kind of talent you certainly need to share it lord imagine if eminem was a plumber if ed sheeran was a builder nothing wrong with that but we'd have never got to share their greatness so this single attribute people have of saying i'm good at this i'm great at this this is my gift this has got my name all over i was meant

to do this no one can do this better than me there's a great story that celine dion sent a master tape to i don't know maybe sony could be any recording company and she called them so what do you think they said we didn't like it she said you didn't listen to it there is no way you could hear my voice and turn me down they were so shocked they went go find that cassette played it made history they signed her but imagine if you're an okay yeah i get it you don't like my voice

all right i'll do something else we never would have heard that song my heart will go on so many people who are knocked back come back and go no no no you don't understand this is who i am this is what i do i have a gift i have a voice i have a talent and that single attribute of knowing their good and telling you without bragging without even showing off just saying hey this is my gift this is my skill set this is my area of excellence no one can do this better than me

imagine if you're a flight attendant you had that gift to say hey you're in safe hands to be the kind of parent that isn't intimidated by a school teacher because you know i am the best parent i'm the best partner i'm the best at what i do whatever you do you can be the best at it there's someone in london called jay nashes paul mccartney's girlfriend she makes cakes only cakes she doesn't make chicken recipes or pies just cakes she charges 800 for a cake she's written books about cake she has a shop just selling

cakes and she's an expert at one thing and she tells everyone i am the best cake maker in the world imagine if you had that and you could say my nursery school my coffee bar is the very very best because i'm the best because i promise you if you don't believe in you how can someone else believe in you how can anyone believe in you if you don't believe in you you have the power to access phenomenal potential to be the best and you don't have to be famous not everybody wants that but you can

still be the best at what you do because i am the best hairdresser by none i'm the best plumber i'm the best contractor i'm the best at having people around to my house and making a lovely dinner people just love hanging out with me because i'm so warm and friendly and caring and entertaining imagine that if you had such unshakable self-belief in your gift your talent your skill set whatever it was the other day i was saying to someone oh i can turn any cat they were going oh i got this cat i said i

can turn any cat i can turn any cat with food and love because i can i wasn't showing off it's like oh give me this wild crazy cat i'll turn it into a true pussycat because i can do that because i understand animals and they just need patience they need dialogue they don't have to be famous to do that but i have a friend who was actually in the boom town rats he was a rock star and when he left the boom town rats he also had that gift to turn any animal and he created

a whole company training animals to be on stage he actually trains the corgis that you see in the crown he's trained so many animals to be an advert to be on the screen because it's his gift and he'll say ah give me an animal i can train any animal with love with words i can make your pet famous if you want me to and he really can but he doesn't brag that's his gift so imagine if you had that unshakable confidence in your voice that unshakable conviction that unstoppable knowing no one can do this better

than me because it's my gift it's what i was meant to do it's what i was put on the planet do you might hear people say oh i love babies i've got a gift with babies i'm really good with horses i'm really good with people i'm great with old people i love listening to their stories and it's not bragging it's stating the truth find out what you're good at tell everybody and make that a statement of truth a lot of us get very confused with our mind and think that we should control our mind and

our mind is like sabotaging us and actually your mind is often sabotaging you in three different ways and when you can understand what's really going on between your mind sabotaging you then you can stop it i've always believed you can't fix what you don't understand and understanding is power and many people say oh you know my mind and i can't control stuff and i'm just out of control and i can't change i've always been like this and that's not true when you can look at what runs you your wiring and make sense of it you

can also overcome it so this is one of the most powerful ways that your mind could sabotage you before you understand it and change it and i've always found that this realization is life changing so here's the number one way your mind sabotages you you are hardwired and super coded to run away from what is unfamiliar and to run back to what is familiar what does that mean well it means that 500 years ago what made you safe what guaranteed that you could survive on the planet was staying with the familiar and avoiding the unfamiliar

nobody who lived in a walled city or indeed a fort in the wild west would go out for a walk late at night and go oh i think i'm going to meet some new people i'm a bit bored what made you safe was same old same old same food same people same environment and your primitive mind understands this the familiar makes me safe and if you've ever seen two-year-old kids they'll say i don't like that it's got lumps in it i don't want that it's different that's the wrong spoon the wrong cup the wrong story

they only like one doll one teddy they want the same story every night they won't eat stuff they don't know or recognize because their primitive mind at the age of two says if you only eat well you already know you'll make it and now 25 years pass and we find ourselves liking the same type of person destructive a heartbreaker absent we find ourselves going for what's familiar and nothing makes this more clear than this study seventy percent of lottery winners will go bankrupt in three years if they haven't had a familiar relationship with money if

they've only ever just made enough to pay the bills and had nothing left then they will find it very hard to invest that money and keep that money so how do you get around that well first of all understand it okay i've sat on the couch for so long eating potato chips and watching tv i've forgotten that my body's designed to run and jump and move i've had my heart broken so many times that i now just expect that every job i'm in has never worked out so it is an absolute fact that you are

hardwired and super coded to go back to what you know and avoid what you don't know but here's another fact you can make anything you like familiar i've seen this the most in such a simple thing we'll come into my office and i might say oh that's a lovely coat oh i've had it for seven years got a hole in it or oh i heard you were the best salesperson in your team not really it was just a stroke of luck i've seen this at the lower end and right at the top oh i love

that movie you made no it wasn't very good it won an oscar i know there were no good nominations that year but your second movie won an oscar i know there were even worse nominations that year i hear you written the best-selling book oh that's just a fluke i don't know how that came about and i have to sort of go oh do you see what's happening here i am praising you not only are you rejecting the praise you're adding in criticism you know why in your life praise was unfamiliar guess what was familiar of

course you know being criticized and now your brain is so keen to run back to what it knows that it rejects praise and adds in criticism i just took in eight cats are about to be euthanized tiny kittens and i saw with them that i had to hold them every day and go okay we're gonna make being stroked familiar we're going to make being held familiar and very quickly they would line my arms like babies if i hadn't touched them they would have been feral so and that happens with babies if you hold a baby

that's never held they go rigid they have attachment disorder if you don't have love or praise or money or success you start to reject it so how do you get around that first way your mind sabotages you do this you go i am making praise familia i am making success i'm making taking sugar out of my coffee familiar i'm making going to the gym or doing some stretches at home or really believing in myself a million never add if it kills me because the last thing i do just say i'm making it familiar and as

you do that make all the negative stuff unfamiliar being down on yourself diminishing yourself criticizing yourself make praise familiar criticism unfamiliar that on its own i promise you will change your entire life here is the second way your mind can sabotage you and it's a biggie you know 500 years ago we died from rejection we lived in a tribe if they cast you out banished you rejected you marooned you isolated you that was a fate worse than death because it was kind of like death in romeo and juliet when they said we are banishing you

outside the city wars he said well i'd rather be killed there's nothing out there but purgatory so we've come onto the planet with a fear of rejection because it wasn't that long ago that we died from rejection but now we don't die from rejection now safety isn't a numbers game we don't need to live in a big tribe and know we belong we can live on our own and make it to 102 but we still feel as if rejection will kill us and you know how this is real listen to some songs i'll die if

you leave me i can't live without you my life is over without you you're the only one for me i can't go on i can't live if living is without you or none of that's true most people have been in a lovely relation got dumped it hurt and they find someone else i've been dumped i'm sure you've been dumped i had my heart broken i guess you have to but then we found someone even better so you have to not fear rejection people say to me you know i i want to be a speaker but

i'm terrified of going on stage i want to be an actor but what if i get rejected what if you get rejected who cares look at your life how much have you been rejected that kid at school that rejected you the first job that fired you the person that dumped you but you're still here rejection give me the best thing that ever happens to you if you can bounce back and here's the third way that we sabotage ourselves we tell ourselves lies and we believe them i can't cope i'm in overwhelm i'm dying under the

pressure this stress is killing me this job with the death with these kids with the death of me this is killing me driving me crazy making me go insane you see this is not true if you are prepared to lie to yourself on a daily basis i'm a big fat pig i haven't slept for a week i'm exhausted my headache is killing me if you're prepared to lie to yourself which is okay we all do it at least tell yourself a better lie i'm amazing i have phenomenal coping skills challenging clients teach me the best

i have a super fast metabolic rate i'm magnetically lovable and people say that's not true neither is saying stress is killing me i eat like a pig i'm an out of control train wreck none of them are true but you might as well tell yourself a better lie i can only tell you it will change your entire life now you've heard of stockholm syndrome where people attach themselves to their captives to feel safe in homeland brodie attached himself to his captors and that happens we we attach ourselves to people because of our fear of rejection

our need to make to stay with what is familiar and our ability to respond to the lies we tell ourselves and with coronavirus we've got this whole thing now where it's actually become so familiar to be at home that something like i don't know how i'm going to cope now i've got used to lounging around lying on the sofa not pushing myself not going out and now i'm going out it's feeling unfamiliar so we have to make what was comfortable uncomfortable what is uncomfortable comfortable check out my next video here i see all my clients

and they all say the same thing i'm waiting for motivation you know what motivation doesn't go here i am i'm motivation i'm at your door and i've come to motivate you you are firing new neurons the mind