Social Invisibility: The Ugly Girl’s Harsh Reality

if I had to sum up in one word what it's like growing up as the ugly girl it would be invisible there's something about being the girl who's in the way being overlooked never invited and taking up space where you feel hyper visible and you feel like everyone in the room can see you but then you also feel invisible at the same time you watch people go by living their best happy fulfilled lives and you feel like you're carrying around a dead weight that makes everything 10 times harder for you making friends is harder because

you feel like the Disposable friend the friend but never the best friend having relationship is harder because no one sees you as desirable you feel like you're always just a second option maybe even third option or fourth option if you're the girl who's never Chosen and always left out it can be tough to say the least everyone else is having it easy minding their own business meanwhile you are here scaring the internet alone in your room trying to find advice guidance or just some sort of hope that you're not alone if that sounds like you

you're in the right place because that was me and let me tell you I have learned a lot when it comes to friendships relationships and I'm going to share everything that I know in this video [Music] hey if you're new I'm Christina and I make videos people who are feeling lonely if you're a people pleaser overachiever overthinker over anything out you're in the right place chances are you're not ugly you just love to hate yourself and I do say that from a loving place a lot of people who I think were in my position a

couple years ago where I literally felt like the ugliest person to ever walk the planet I grew up as the only black girl in a school full of hundreds and hundreds of white people and I just felt like I was a walking like laughing stock I was never the attractive girl the pretty girl the girl that someone had a crush on I was never the girl that you would look at and want to be like I was the girl that you would look at and quickly like look away because you didn't even want to like

look in my direction sort of thing when you grow up as this left out invisible alone feeling like you have crippling anxiety to navigate any sort of social setting loathing yourself quickly becomes a habit you've had the horrible remarks you've had the jokey comments you've had people making fun of your looks you've had people Point At You Instead you've had people look at you and start laughing based on what you look like once you quickly learn that the world find your appearance unattractive or laughable you quickly adopt that as your own belief and there's a

lot of content out there on the internet telling you how to have a glow up or how to look smack how to improve your looks how to become more attractive it doesn't matter what you look like confidence is more important here's how to boost your confidence but the thing is people literally don't understand or understand what it feels like to literally be unattractive and invisible most people don't understand what it's like to be a young ugly woman I was the but of the jokes bullying All That Jazz but from 18 until now I'm 26 I'm

very much invisible or like a second class citizen men don't even see me the ugly ones as well I'm invisible to hot and ugly alike and women are either patronizing or Superior alike depending on their ages and level of beauty I have friends and I've done well academically and work-wise but I've never had a single relationship I've never had sex and I see no way of changing any of that it's a lonely sad existence something I've noticed when you are this sort of person that identifies with this Reddit post or maybe you resonate with what

I shared about like my experience growing up in in high school I feel like hating yourself becomes your safe space and this might sound strange but but you have to understand as humans our Behavior always leans toward what's familiar like we don't always do what's best for us or what's easiest or what will give us the best outcome we like to do what's familiar for example if you know that you're feeling lonier you need to start making more friends you can't spend every single weekend on your own every single Vacation by yourself but you're too

scared to put yourself out there and you're too scared of the rejection you're going to do what's familiar and that's keep to yourself isolate yourself stay in your room turn down invites to come to parties cancel last minute when you're too afraid to actually go to the event and that's why when it comes to a lot of the self-improvement content out there or the confidence content the self- L content a lot of that is just exhausting and draining because you've got all these people on the internet myself included trying to tell you to adopt a

new mindset that is literally miles away from your current mindset that's very familiar very safe very nurturing even though you hate yourself in that mindset it's just the safe space for you trying to take on board all the confidence advice and all the self-love advice can sometimes feel like you're climbing up an uphill battle like the person in the video I I know I'm included in this cuz I'm here like chatting about confidence the person in the video is telling you to do this and wake up early build a routine Journal about gratitude they're telling

you all these things but when you're looking at your life and you're so used to this familiar mindset of like Christina you're a piece of [ __ ] you're ugly you're this you're that you smell you have no friends when that is your that is your internal monologue 99% of the day some girl on YouTube is trying to tell you to be positive and think positively it's really really tough it literally feels like you're climbing up a mountain that's one of the big reasons why I'm a big advocate for acceptance if something feels tough if

something feels like you're climbing up a mountain if something feels like you're having to put in so much energy just to take the first step literally rather than fight it and try to resist it so much because what you resist will persist if something feels tough just accept it yeah maybe I'm ugly maybe I have no friends cool maybe I'm really boring and I'm I'm not interesting and I don't have a sense of humor and I'm one of the most boring people that I know okay yeah sure let me let me just accept it cuz

then I'm not fighting against myself self-improvement has so many limitations and I spoke about this a lot more in my you don't need self-improvement you just need self-acceptance video because I'm convinced half the people that are trying to binge watch all these self-improvement videos and like learn how to level up actually just need self-acceptance instead another trap that a lot of us fall into is we try to make up for our Beauty elsewhere you get to a certain point where you feel like the unattractive girl or the girl that's left out the girl that's never

included the girl that's invisible and you think okay well if I'm not attractive let me make up for this somewhere else let me try to be the really funny girl the girl that can make anyone laugh let me try to be the really sporty girl the girl that does volleyball basketball hockey let me try to be the smart girl the girl that gets top grades a pluses consistently the girl that's going to go to an Ivy League college and then before you know it all of your goals and Ambitions are evolving around the fact that

you feel insecure about how you look but you don't see them that way you see your goals of becoming really Athletics win winning these Awards you think it's a genuine goal that you have but actually it stemmed from a pretty dark place for some people they don't try to counteract this based on goals and accomplishments Awards and success it's more so relationships if you feel really neglected and feel like no one likes you you might overcompensate in that and I actually spoke to to someone about this recently I was talking about the concept of this

video like growing up and feeling ugly and feeling invisible and they were telling me like oh they felt the same way and I told them oh because of that I feel like I don't have much experience in relationships and I don't really put myself out there as much I don't really know how to talk to guys I don't really like using dating apps but then she said she went the opposite way like she was like hypersexual sleeping around a lot she settled down now cuz she has a boyfriend but we were to opposite of the

spectrum despite struggling with the same thing when we were younger growing up in this way has a huge impact not just relationships but also friendships as well I'm the butt of the joke friend I'm the punching bag friend I'm the Forgotten friend the ones whose feelings aren't considered because I'm the she'll get over it friend I'm just the easy and convenient friend and that's my own fault thinking always being invisible always being easy and giving more of Myself Away will finally one day deem me worthy in someone's eyes spoiler alert it doesn't and I'm still

never enough thinking that you're never the First Choice with friends and you're always an afterthought will slowly turn your friendships into being quite transactional like I literally had one of these friendship Dynamics where the girl that I was friends with would tell me like oh yeah like I'd love to sit with you but I'm I'm busy at the moment I'm not going to be here for lunch I'd go to the cafeteria and there she was sat with someone else or I'd say oh are you going to that party like should we go together she'd be

like oh no I'm not she not going and then turns out she actually went with a whole other group of friends if you encounter this sort of dynamic a couple of times before you know you're going to be the sort of person that like keeps track and keeps tabs of what the person does and then you try and match up your actions with Theirs to say oh if she's not doing this then I'm not going to do this if she says she's busy I'm going to pretend that I'm busy as well oh but if she

does do this for me the one time okay I guess I'll do it for her as well like you're keeping tabs and making sure that like the the balance sheet is equal when in reality like a genuine healthy friendship you never have to keep track of what each other's doing because you'd always naturally repay each other anyway without having to keep track in social dynamics as well this can easily lead to avoidance behaviors where essentially because of how being in a social Gathering a party a meeting a zoom call be because of how it makes

you feel you'll slowly start to avoid these in the future if you go to a birthday party once and someone makes fun of you or laughes of what you're wearing then you're probably not going to go to another birthday party anytime soon or if you're on a zoom call and you try and crck a joke and try and be yourself but no one laughs you're probably not going to do that again if you're using a dating app you schedule a date with a guy you go to the date you're really excited you wear your best

outfit and like you look at your watch he's not showed up it's been 10 minutes it's been 15 minutes it's been 20 minutes he's a noow you're probably not going to want to use dating apps again trust me this happened to me a lot of people who feel this way might tell themselves like oh I enjoy my alone time I like spending time alone I like to just like sit in my room and do my own thing but is this actually you enjoy your own company or is this a result of all your avoidance behaviors

because going back to what I said at the start of the video we don't do what's best for us we don't do what's easy for us we don't do what we want we do what's familiar and sometimes in friendships this can also mean what's familiar to us is transactional friendships or toxic friendships unhealthy friendships friendships where the people only ever take advantage of you but you settle because you're like oh is this the best I can get I spoke about this a lot in my toxic friendships video which I'm going to link here I literally

had this a few years ago where I was friends with two other girls we were like a group of three girls all together and I could tell after a while like the two girls were definitely closer than I was was to them so I was kind of like like the extra or the addon I'd literally hear them talking about me and hear them making comments about like how weird I was and other stuff but at the time I didn't think much of it cuz I was L like oh well if this like what other option

is there like who who else would Lally be my friend these two girls are the only girls I have I knew deep down it wasn't healthy and it isn't it wasn't even what I wanted but because it felt like the only option I thought what what what voice do I have to even speak up about this now feeling ugly and unattractive and invisible can definitely affect your friendships but it could also affect your relationships as well give this video a thumbs up if you've ever been speaking to someone in like a romantic way like you

guys were in a talking stage or on a dating app or whatever and you literally start to panic the more that you start to like them and the more that things are going well sometimes when you are that girl that like you see yourself as unattractive sometimes in a dating sense I think you can sometimes overcompensate like on an app you might do all of the questions and you might be asking them about their lives and their hobbies and you might be putting a lot of effort in to like get the conversation going or maybe

an actual dating stage you're the one that's planning all the dates planning where you're going to go you're the one driving to them maybe even picking them up or maybe in an actual relationship you're the one that's always having to like initiate the tough conversations and initiating like communicating about things initiating like anniversary plans date plans sometimes when you see yourself as like less than you see yourself as less worthy less attractive less valuable less lovable you think you have to do all the work to be lovable and to be worthy another thing that can

make relationships really complicated is Fe of intimacy if you feel unattractive in like the facial Department like I did and you also maybe have like body image issues and you feel uncomfortable wearing certain items and like wearing certain clothing this can create a lot of fear around like physical intimacy and like actually taking the next step in a relationship with someone Chances Are by all means possible you will avoid closeness you will avoid intimacy you will avoid even like being in a room alone with them you will avoid talking about certain things even if it's

not physical even if it's just emotional intimacy like talking about deep things talking about things that happened to you in your past talking about where you grow up and how you feel and like emotions and how how they make you feel I've only come to learn now as I've made this mistake on multiple different dating apps and multiple different guys I've spoken to is that if you run away from intimacy you're kind of like killing the relationship there's so many different forms of intimacy but if you don't have a few forms of them in a

relationship trust me you just do not have a relationship like there has to be intimacy there but the reason why it can kill the relationship or just kill the spark that you guys had is because you do get closer to people and bond more with with them the more that you do get emotionally intimate with them currently editing this video and I just wanted to emphasize I'm not talking about physical intimacy it's more so the emotional side I really do think you have to open up and talk about your feelings to have some form of

a connection with someone like your bond is only as strong as your ability to open up if you're keeping things super surface level and only over touching on the things that feel safe and like are within your comfort zone if your gate keeping and hiding all the deep personal things about you I I totally get it scary cuz I've been there but like your bond is only as strong as your ability to open up like you will have more of a bond with the right person when they come along when you're actually able to open

up and talk about your feelings and your emotions essentially the more that you talk about how you feel the more that you're honest about how you feel the more that they know about you the more that they understand you the more that you communicate if those things are all stifled because you're too scared and you you kind of like change the subject if you do that enough times in enough conversations over text in enough dates when you're talking to each other in person if you do that enough you will just stifle the intimacy to the

point where the person actually doesn't know you deep enough and people can't be in a relationship with someone that they don't know very well this is all this is all well and good because we all know this we all know that you should open up be honest tell people how you feel don't bottle up your feelings but a fear of rejection is very very real chances are if you're watching this video fear of rejection and fear of being judged fear of fear of just a lot of things is probably just running your life it determines

a lot of your actions it determines a lot of what you're going to wear it determines a lot of what you're going to say on text to whether it's a girl a guy a fear of rejection is going to lead to all those avoidance behaviors of like avoiding going to the parties avoiding going on the dates canceling last minute or it's going to lead to avoiding talking about their thing that happened to you on the playground in high school avoiding talking to them about your relationship with your mom or your relationship with your dad how

you guys fell out it took me a long time to realize but avoidance is probably the reason why you feel so disconnected with people because all the areas that you're avoiding are all the areas where people know the littlest about you that's the Uncharted Territory that's the that's the territory you never open up about that's the area that you keep bottled up just for you and you alone for me this area was always sort of like my time at high school being the only black girl in school feeling really insecure it's funny because all the

all this the avoidance area that I would like never talk about and never like even open up about before are all the areas I talk about now openly on my YouTube so it's not really like an avoidance anymore cuz I can talk about it freely but then what I've come to realize is the area that you're most scared to talk about and open up about and like bond with someone over or become like emotionally intimate with someone over is the area where you'll probably have the biggest Bond like I read some of you your comments

about how you've like related to some of the things I've said or how you you feel the same way that I felt and it makes me realize Christina you were scared for years to talk about these things but so many people are able to bond with you and it's scary at first to open up like trust me I know it's scary but hiding parts of yourself especially the important parts of yourself or the most like intimate parts of yourself will only perpetuate a feeling of loneliness You Can't Hide half of who you are and then

expect people to know you fully You Can't Hide deep and personal things and then expect people to love you deeply and personally we all crave friends that know us really well and know us deep down and like just understand us and we all want friends that we can just click with but that sort of friendship does require that you show up and be yourself wholeheartedly and entirely the last chapter is on confidence we've spoken a little bit about how you might Outsource your confidence to achievements Sports intelligence success academics but a lot of people who

are in this boat might struggle with comparison your biggest barrier to being confident is probably how much you compare yourself to other people most likely because you feel so terrible about yourself because of how you compare yourself to other people I'm so ugly compared to her my skin is so bad compared to hers I have so much acne but hers is Flawless because you feel so bad because of comparison you're convinced that you'll feel much more confident and better about yourself because of comparison you're looking for the areas of your life where you can compare

yourself to someone else and measure up even better than they are but the lie about comparison is that because it makes you feel terrible does not mean it will make you feel good about yourself the interesting thing about comparison is that we don't want to be judged by other people we have a fear of judgment a fear of rejection that's why we avoid so many situations and withdraw socially and isolate ourselves the funny thing about comparison though is because you're judging other people so much you also end up judging yourself even when you aren't in

school at work on Instagram around other people even when you're on your own you're going to be judging yourself you're going to be judging what you eat you're going to be judging how your skin looks you're going to be judging what you're wearing you're going to be judging the amount of matches that you got on hinge today if you make it a habit to judge other people and use that as a measure of your confidence you are going to end up judging yourself yet you have a fear of judgment it's the reason why you perpetually

feel so bad about yourself because you're doing the thing to yourself that you would hate for other people to do to you that's why I've titled this video in this way you're not ugly you just love to hate yourself it's either going to be that or it's going to be something along the lines of like being the ugly girl I don't know what the title is right now but the very thing that makes you feel so terrible about yourself that other people do you also do to yourself and over the years I've come to realize

comparison lessens and honestly like dramatically reduces in your life when you build up like your sense of self when you have an identity outside of how you look when you have an identity outside of the thing that you've outsourced your confidence to whether it's the career the academics the intelligence all of those achievements in that area are all well and good but then they're still based on an insecure Foundation this is why I'm the biggest advocate for having Hobbies having a life experimenting with new things watching new TV shows reading new books trying new things

and just saying yes to life because the more you hyperfixate on how unattractive you are how bad your skin is how much weight you have to lose whatever it is everyone feels everyone's clicked on this video for a different reason which I which I think is quite an interesting thing like some people might click on this video and think that the reason why another girl has clicked on this video is like oh that's not a big deal you you feel insecure because you're skinny or you feel insecure because you're 5' 10 like that's not even

an insecurity my insecurity is way worse we all feel the same but we all have different reasons for feeling the same a lot of what feeling ugly is like and feeling unattractive is like is a hyper fixation you've zoomed in like 10x 20x on one small aspect of your life or one small aspect of your appearance and you made that out to be the one thing that determines your value but once you realize you have a life outside of how you look you have a life outside of how smart you are you have a life

outside of how successful you are then you'll finally start to build up your confidence that's one of the reasons why I think one of the biggest markers of confidence is you being proud of yourself for who you are and not what you do like placing so much emphasis on what you can achieve and how you look and how many likes you can get on Instagram how many matches you can get on hinge that sort of confidence that you would get is very like Hollow confidence I spoke about this a lot more in my seventh sign

you're more confident than you think video where I was talking about some other things that you might not think show that you're confident but deep down really show that you are if you made it this far into the video thank you so much for watching I really really really hope it helped helped honestly I make a lot of these videos just for my younger self how I would have been how I would have been feeling and what I would have liked someone to tell me so so if this helped let me know in the comments

I'd love to know and let me know what you'd want to see in the future as well and I'll see you in the next video bye