Rapid Fire Jokes You'll Never See Coming. Bobby Tessel - Full Special

I had some good fortune the other day, I won $50 in the instant lottery, which, yeah, yeah. It was very exciting so I quit my job. (audience laughing) I took the annual payments.

(audience laughing) Before the show, I was walking down the street and I saw a guy walking away from his car and his lights were on. So I said, Hey, sir, you left your lights on. And he looked at me, he goes, "My lights go off automatically.

" I was like, Oh, wow. Mine do too after six hours. (audience laughing) I didn't pay extra for that.

(audience laughing) Drving to the show tonight, I saw a sign for a sign store called signs for less. It was handwritten. (audience laughing) So I'm watching the movie Goldfinger, not right now.

It's an old James Bond movie and there's a scene in the beginning of the movie where James Bond makes love to this woman. He leaves the room, he goes to the kitchen to get some champagne but he gets knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he goes back to the room, the woman is lying in the bed, she's been completely painted gold and she's dead.

That's happened to me twice. (audience laughing) I don't understand why we get popcorn at the movies. Every time we get popcorn, we get the piece stuck down in our teeth, then we're sitting there for the whole movie flicking it with our tongue.

The one that little chicken move that. (audience laughing) We can't get it out with our tongues so we stick our finger down in there to get it. But for some reason we have no tongue to finger perception because we can't find it with our finger.

(audience laughing) We actually have to find it again with our tongue and then follow our finger on our tongue. (audience cheering) Friend of mine recently broke his ankle playing hockey. And about six months ago, I broke my ankle playing basketball.

But mine was really stupid because I was in an arcade playing that Pop-A-Shot game. (audience laughing) Last time I played real basketball, I was guarding a guy was a lot bigger than me. He was, like, pushing me around and shoving me.

So like one time he was backing me down the court, I just kind of licked him. (audience laughing) He didn't cross half court after that. (audience laughing) I went fishing for the first time.

My friends told me not to go. They're like, "it's stupid, "it's boring, you'll hate it. " I went.

I had a great time. I was catching fish like left and right, but the people at the aquarium were pissed. (audience laughing) I think hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports.

Because I'm a pretty good athlete and I went to the batting cages the other day, it was pretty embarrassing. You get 30 pitches for $3. I get into the cage.

29 misses in a row. On the 30th pitch I leaned in and took it in the chest. (audience laughing) I'm getting on base.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding) So I'm in the bathroom at Target, not right now. (audience laughing) They have a sign on the wall that says anyone who maliciously defaces the walls with paint is guilty of vandalism. And I thought, if there's some guy in a Target bathroom just randomly painting the walls, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what malicious means.

(audience laughing) Sometimes when I'm bored and/or feeling mean spirited I like to go to the grocery store and I will go up to the deli counter. And they're like, "Hi. "Can I help you?

" And I'm like, Yes, you may. I would like 1/5 pound of turkey and let the games begin. (audience laughing) It's always fun to see what they're going to come back with.

It has never been . 2 on the scale. Sometimes they try to talk me out of the order.

This guy's like, "Hey, man. "Can I get you like a quarter pound "or a half pound? "Please?

" (audience laughing) I'm like, Nope. 1/5 good luck. (audience laughing) Stay in school.

(audience laughing) I finally finished the book I was writing last week. Thank you. (audience cheering) It's all right.

(audience cheering) That's not what I was fishing for. But I did. I finished it.

It's cool. It's an auto bibliography. (audience laughing) It's a list of all the books I've read.

(audience laughing) I was in a minor car accident. And it was my fault, I hit someone from behind because I was checking out some woman walking down the sidewalk. Such a bummer.

Even more of a bummer, she came over to see if we were OK and she was ugly. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That's a double whammy right there. (audience laughing) Have you ever seen ugly people driving really fast?

It's like, where can they possibly be going? (audience laughing) A lot of times we see those signs that say no U-Turns Allowed, so what I do? I just make mine in the shape of a W.

(audience laughing) . I'm here to teach. (audience laughing) I pulled off the road at a truck stop.

They had a big sign up, it said, Showers For Professionals Only. I've been showering for quite some time now. (audience laughing) I think I'm pretty good.

(audience laughing) I wouldn't classify myself as a professional because I'd like to shower in the Olympics someday. (audience laughing) I don't want to lose my eligibility. I have a whole bunch of different soaps and shampoos and bath gels so I figured I'd buy one of those shower caddies, which was a good theory but he keeps looking at me funny.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding) I got pulled over recently by the police, and I decided I was going to try a new strategy. So when he came up to the door I rolled down the window and I just looked at him and I said, Do you know who my father is? And he said, "No.

" I said, Gosh dang it, neither do I. (audience laughing) He looked into my car, he saw I had a radar detector. He goes, "You know what's funny?

" He goes, "Those things, "they don't work with our radar "because we rate our guns and we just "point and shoot. "It can't give you any warning "at all. " I said, You know what's even funnier?

I forgot to turn it on. (audience laughing) He let me go. (audience laughing) I was in a major car accident, and thankfully no one was hurt.

And it wasn't my fault, thank goodness, but I was on the phone with the woman who was handling the insurance claim for the other driver and things got a little contentious. At one point she actually said to me she goes, "OK. "So Mr Tessel, what "are your demands?

" I said, I want a jet plane. No cops. (audience laughing) And then she said this-- And here's some information for you, if you're ever in a conversation with somebody and they say to you "with all due respect" there's none coming.

(audience laughing) I pulled into a self-serve car wash. They had a big banner up, it said Under New Management. So I pulled my car off in one of the slots and I plug my quarters in.

And I was standing there washing my car, thinking this is much better than the old management. (audience laughing) So I'm at the gym, not right now, (audience laughing) and I'm on the elliptical machine. And the woman next to me said, "Hey, can I ask you "a question?

" And I said, Yeah, sure go ahead. She said, "How do I convert my pulse "rate to my heart rate? " (audience laughing) Well, take your pulse rate and multiply it by 1, (audience laughing) then subtract 0.

(audience laughing) Do you need some scratch paper? (audience laughing) We're going out next week. (audience laughing) One time in college I was making out with my girlfriend and her tooth fell out.

I know, that sucked. You know what sucked even more? It fell under the pillow.

I had to give her a buck. (audience laughing) So the last woman I dated liked to disagree with me over, like, everything, you know? Because she liked to be wrong.

And one time she said to me, she goes, "You know, I just don't "like who I am when I'm around you. " I said, Finally we agree. (audience laughing) I don't like when people use their kids to be rude.

I'm in line at a coffee place and a woman comes in with her baby and she tries to cut in front of me in line. She's like, "Hey, "do you mind if I go ahead of you "because I'm with my baby "and it's a really long line "and, you know, I don't want have "to wait in line, I'm with my baby, "so can I just go ahead of you? "Because I'm with my baby?

" And I said, No. No, no, I got to get back home, my kid's tied to a chair. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Yeah, you should plan ahead.

(audience laughing) I broke my glasses the other day and I haven't had a chance to get them replaced so I've been drinking out of my hands. (audience laughing) It's all right. Take your time.

(audience laughing) Some people didn't laugh because they didn't think it was funny. (audience laughing) The other day I called somebody Mr. And she snapped at me and she goes, "It's Miss.

" I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know why I ever would have thought that somebody would have married you.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding) My friend Michelle is stunningly beautiful. Wherever she goes, she's always the best-looking person in the room. And I've often wondered what it would be like to feel that feeling.

And last week I was in Reno, Nevada, and I got to find out. (audience laughing) If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, go to Reno. Just take a walk around, your self-esteem will skyrocket.

So I'm in Colorado, not right now, and they have deer all over the place there. And they actually put out an information booklet that tells you what to do if a deer comes out in front of you. And it says you're supposed to speed up and hit it and it will pop it up over you and then everything will be OK-- that's what it said.

So one day a deer comes out in front of me so I sped up and I just like rammed right into it and it just like jolted me like crazy and I'm like-- because I was walking. (audience laughing) So we had a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee. Remember from Wham-O, the glow in the dark.

You take your flashlight, you shine it on the Frisbee for like 10 minutes, then you click it off and it's glowing in the deep darkness of night, then you throw it to your friend and then you hear him run right smack into a tree? (audience laughing) Dude, throw it back. It's running out already.

Dude, throw it back. It's running out. Dude?

(audience laughing) Then you hear it just like, "dude, "go get your mom. " (audience laughing) My mom sucks at Frisbee. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) My parents have a dark sense of humor.

Yesterday they told me that I really wasn't adopted-- (audience laughing) this after 20 years of searching for my real parents. (audience laughing) They're actually in San Francisco right now on vacation. They sent me a postcard of Alcatraz.

On the back it said, wish you were there. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I actually used to work in a prison where they made license plates. And one day one of the inmates called me over, he's like, "Come "here, man.

"You got to take a look at this. " I'm like, What? He goes, "I'm making a plate right "now, some guy wants a personalized "plate that says Groovy Dude.

" And I'm like, Yeah, so? He goes, "What a loser. " I said, Dude, you're in jail.

(audience laughing) I got fired from the prison. One day I came in with get out of jail free cards for monopoly and passed them out. (audience laughing) That was underappreciated.

(audience laughing) I used to work in an office. One day a woman came up to my desk and said, "Hey, can I use the phone "please? " And I'm, like, Yeah, sure, go ahead.

She goes, "Do I have to dial 9? " I said, You know, I don't know who you're calling. (audience laughing) You calling the cops?

Start with 9. (audience laughing) I used to I used to work in a lighthouse. I got fired for making shadow puppets.

(audience laughing) Ships kept crashing into the rocks trying to avoid the big giant bunnies. (audience laughing) I used to be a clinical psychologist-- just go with it. (audience laughing) One day a guy comes into my office he's like, "Man, I need help.

"I'm a pathological liar. " I said, I don't believe you. (audience laughing) I used to be a pharmacist.

Go with that one too. (audience laughing) I was fired for my unique technique in dispensing medication-- one for you, one for me. (audience laughing) I used to work at a health club.

This one's true. (audience laughing) They had valet parking. If you can't walk from your car to the club, perhaps you've made a bad investment.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding) We're lazy. People are lazy. How many people when they're taking a shower actually take the time to bend over and soap up their feet?

Yeah. Three people raised their hand. Right?

The rest of us are like, hey, the floor is wet. Soap's traveling down there. The feet are sloshing around.

That's taken care of. (audience laughing) I mean, I'm not pulling a hammy trying to get between my toes. I don't want to be walking around with a limp.

Like, "Hey, man, what's wrong? " Hey, look at my toes. (audience laughing) The first concert I ever saw was The Who.

It's pretty cool first concert. For those that don't know, Roger Daltrey is the lead singer. And during the instrumentals of songs during the concert, he would like take the mic out of the stand and he'd like whip it around.

And he'd let it fly out and then he'd like yank it back and then catch it out of the air. It was really cool. It was very awesome.

And the other night at karaoke (audience laughing) I got a little carried away. Didn't go very well. It was a cordless mic.

(audience cheering) I saw a lady the other day, she was wearing a shirt that said, "All men are liars "and that's the truth. " I walked up to her, I said, You know, I've never seen a more beautiful woman ever. (audience laughing) Have you ever gotten dressed and then hours later realize you've got a Bounce dryer sheet in your underwear?

(audience laughing) Friend of mine went to give me a wedgie, pulled out a Bounce dryer sheet. (audience laughing) My butt was really soft. (audience laughing) I think people who answer the phone for a living fall into a phone groove that they're not even truly aware of.

Because I called my sister's office and I'm like, Hi, can I speak with Karen? And the guy goes, "And whom can I "say is calling? " I said, Tell her it's her brother Bobby.

And then he actually said, goes, "And what is the call "regarding? " I said, I'm her brother. "And the reason you'd like to speak "with her?

" I was like, I'm her brother. (audience laughing) "Is there a topic for the call? " (audience laughing) Tell her-- Tell her that I buried mom and dad like she told me but the dog keeps digging them back up.

(audience laughing) "Please hold. " (audience laughing) This is the last joke. This is still the last joke (audience laughing) but thank you.

So I'm flying into Las Vegas, not right now. (audience laughing) Guys, I set that up for you like 10 times. All right, seriously.

So I'm flying into Las Vegas-- - Not right now. - Wow, you guys said that with such disdain. I almost don't want to tell you the next joke.

(audience laughing) So I'm flying into Las Vegas-- - Not right now. - No. All right.

We got it. We got it. All right.

Yeah, no. Well, I'll just do this on a perpetual loop and I talked-- We're going to see how many times they say it. (audience laughing) And when the plane lands they make this announcement, word for word they get on and they say, "Do not get up until the pilot turns "off the fasten seatbelt sign.

" And I looked at the guy next to me, I said, Someone's going to get up. And he goes, "No, they won't. " I said, Yes, they will.

He goes, "I'll bet you $50 bucks. " I'm like, Dude, you're on. So we're taxiing, we're almost to the gate.

Sure enough, I got up. (audience laughing) Thank you so much. Thanks very much.

Appreciate it. Thank you very much.