George Lopez Podcast OMG Hi!: Ep. 1

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All Things Comedy

OMG, Hi! is a weekly podcast with George Lopez and his co-host, Bryan Kellen, featuring surprise celebrity guests, listener call-ins, stories of George's haunted house, hot takes, and more. Leave a voicemail: (818) 533-1843. George tells a professional MLB pitching trainer Ralph 'Rox' Arroyo about the time he played baseball with John Elway and more. Subscribe to OMG HI! Subscribe on YouTube! Follow George! Twitter: Instagram: Facebook: Website: Follow Bryan! Twitter: Instagram: Facebook: Website: Get ATC merch! Subscribe! Subscribe to the podcast! Apple Podcast: Spotify Podcast: Follow the podcast on Twitter! More from All Things Comedy! Facebook: Twitter: Instagram: #GeorgeLopez #BillBurr #ATC #AllThingsComedy #OMGHiPodcast #FIsForFamily #MondayMorningPodcast #Netflix #ATCPresents

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Hello everyone hola mis amigos you're listening to oh my god hi with me george lopez let's do the show directly right phelps [Music] oh my god hi hello everybody welcome to the first episode of oh my god hi the podcast every episode is gonna be me with my co-host brian Kellen hey everybody hey and we will be answering your fan voicemails very important we're gonna love those reacting to crazy real news stories chatting with fun guests and just talking shop golf music just like in life so i'm gonna talk about whatever is going on in my mind so if that's good i may jump around a little bit but i think that ultimately you're gonna enjoy It i know i'm gonna enjoy it more than when i was married we're gonna jump right into it with our first guest the one the only ralph rox arroyo if you ever use accent again so rox is a a professional sports trainer correct is that the right time this is how you're going to be on the show well i'm trying to make sure i i don't i do the thing right the idea of Watching somebody paying somebody to watch you work out is beyond me but yeah and they can't like you very much right they love your [ __ ] no but you know what he's very effective that's what i say is these guys that he works with all in the account uh two years in a row i think world champions right when they were the nationals you had guys with the nationals no there was a Boston two years ago yeah right and then uh the dodgers but i don't have anybody with boston and so what you do is you train guys to either get to the level of the pros or you get them to be at world class level right everybody has uh i would say two to three percent better performance on anything so that's what's wrong yeah thanks for the intro laura schlesinger man look at the thing I do look like that boom so what's the first segment i'm done with that [ __ ] all right well let's get into our next segment actual news these are real stories they're really weird and they're kind of crazy stuff that's going on out there but they are actual real news i got a [ __ ] real news story about the [ __ ] boy who read so [ __ ] boring They left them in [ __ ] burbank he sounds familiar i like this one because you love guitars and um [ __ ] you don't know what i'd love well i would think listen do not didn't i just say about [ __ ] people talking for me oh man i'm guilty i know see now [ __ ] look what i did well i know you have a great collection i like this guitarist that was a good streak he's Got it i know i didn't mean it in 30 minutes uh this guy this guy his name is prince midnight is his name he's a musician i like it already right now he's not yeah his name is prince midnight and uh his uncle felipe uh turned him on a metal he's a guitarist right so they did guitars and stuff so he's a guitar player So felicia latino they are greek i believe they're greek a greek named felipe i believe so it uh yep a native greece deal so uh the the the uncle dies the uncle donates his bones to science or a school so they could study his you know do use them for anatomy or whatever they do and then they're done with them and they're gonna give him back the family and The nephew goes i'll take him you know he didn't know to cremate him you know to bear him i didn't know what he made a guitar out of his [ __ ] i have a picture i wish i could show you he made a guitar he made a guitar out of the bones of his uncle a working guitar an electric guitar that's there's this is there's no way dude imagine that imagine hanging that up this is his ribs And his hip bones and he put a neck on it and he's sitting on an amp that's plugged in he's playing it would you own that though would i own that would you would you own that no no way man like you're not supposed to be [ __ ] around with your uncles right trying to make harmonics i don't know man i don't i don't know if this is i don't think this is uh you don't buy it i buy it but i i Of all the things that is that respectful or i mean that dude's dead but he's a metal guy turn him on the metal so he might sounds like he might dig it paying homage to him maybe that's what he said because he turned him on to it i got turned down to baseball i don't put him in my [ __ ] cooler and run around dodger stadium with him exactly no i don't know man i don't Agree with this i i think that um i don't know dude it's a that's rough you look at that picture and that's a human being with a guitar neck sticking out of his neck out of his cabinet yeah up his spine if he had a show you would never not i mean i would be staring at that dude all night long where's this [ __ ] eggs get manson palooza exactly no that's too much man you Shouldn't be able i think that's almost like uh when somebody dies you just can't what if you what if you took like uh uh a cervix and then in the middle of the night you become [ __ ] uh crystal the [ __ ] cervix player like a [ __ ] flute out of the [ __ ] you playing spoons with the best service [ __ ] vaginal lips all here [ __ ] this is my favorite part That's rough man i just i can't imagine i don't know about a human body he's jaw harper [ __ ] blowing air through her [ __ ] cool you know it's all blown out yeah okay i thought you were playing your grandmother's [ __ ] dog man it's not in the right key a little flat you know and you got to be really good because if you suck you're like hey man [ __ ] Oh that's awesome you know what i mean that's good that's crazy that that's a little rough sorry about that on a lighter note uh did you guys see the video of everybody's been showing it but the lawyer who is the cat the cat filter was on and his uh zoom trial he was doing a trial and he his he was using his assistant's computer to be in trial and she had the Cat filter on the whole time so they got they have like man man uh defendant and then they got this guy it's a cat and he all you see is his eyes looking like what the [ __ ] is going on here he couldn't get out of it and he saw i'm not a cat like that and they're like we know sir they're trying to help this dude out but i mean that's like the thing now everything is done by zoom no matter How important but how do you get yourself as a cat on zoom he didn't know because he his assistant had the cat filter on apparently on whatever that is that you do a cat filter on and he couldn't get it off and she wasn't around so he was [ __ ] oh wow so and he kept on saying he goes i'm not a cat and they're like we know sir and it's just one of those things it's typical of these days and you hear All the time of people thinking that the video is they think the video is off and it's not and they're they're in a bad spot but they didn't they didn't say this this doesn't count because you're using a filter no but no it was legal but it was just they couldn't stop laughing in the courtroom they couldn't you know it was it like disrupted the whole thing i mean The guy's a [ __ ] cat what about the guy in the in the uh in like the uh meeting uh in the town meeting that got up and went to bathroom and he was like [ __ ] partying that's a great thing and just everybody's sitting in there like nothing you know they're saying that [Laughter] your audio's on he's like she's still [ __ ] off he's got the shirt Oh god that's awesome what's all these other guys are doing like there's been a couple people who got caught i remember years ago i was at the airport and uh and a guy was in there and he's in there and it's just you know and a guy's taking a leak and dude goes b-flat beautiful did everybody [ __ ] lie still i still [ __ ] remember there's a guy in there and there's guys With their luggage [Laughter] guys got [ __ ] it's illegal to take uh to uh transport pork i guess over state lines and there's this guy caught with 200 pounds of contraband bologna oh wow right and and and this guy went to jail wait a minute but those are more cigar vegas [Laughter] but how the [ __ ] can you not take so This guy had a ton of it like it was business he that was like that was his run that was his that was his uh his east bound and down he hit baloney and got caught but [ __ ] mexicans come out wrap yourself in a [ __ ] carpet yeah and come over but [ __ ] baloney right you can't oh yeah i think this is just this is why immigration is the way it is I'm [ __ ] bologna you can get everywhere right in mexico home depot exclusive it's not made of people or it's not the [ __ ] body of the guitar it's not a [ __ ] amplifier that's right it's what's left of the guitar guy it could be i just don't i just that's ridiculous man that well first of all you're a health food what's some bologna everything everything gutted up everything yeah pig Nose [ __ ] bologna hot dog you just grind it up do you like them though no you don't eat them you don't eat hot dogs at all no really it's been it's been years oh really yeah but but a hot dog is everything like it's skin hair like yeah ligaments tendons i think bones like when beak is in there too right yeah whatever whatever meat they extract from You know the the animal all the leftovers they grind it up add some artificial flavors to it and package it up and let's go yeah they leave nothing to waste how come it's a [ __ ] good no i i actually i think it's all artificial flavoring it's put in everything you put on top of it you know yeah and a big old healthy bread like a big old yeah and then you Back in that with you know eating a dodger dog or a you know dodger dog in the ball game and the beer and that's just what it is wow i i i gotta be honest i love hot dogs yeah i love hot dogs and they're nasty it's just like i said it's the part of that baseball culture whoever whoever started that was a genius because what about that time in new york i'm eating a hot dog and then You know everybody everybody's [ __ ] business is none of their [ __ ] business right so i'm eating a hot dog you know and this [ __ ] man white dude looks at me and he goes hey when you know how those are made you never want to have another one thanks and i said i know what a [ __ ] vagina did i still eat that [ __ ] your light's green get the [ __ ] out of here but again like Who would [ __ ] comment like i'm eating the [ __ ] thing and i look at the guys looking at it yeah you want you know how those are made about yourself man after you bought it i mean you have in your hand you got in your mouth he's gonna say that to you that's nice unbelievable yeah yeah that's our news hey brian so let's take a listen to what we got in our voice mailbox which is always very exciting Because i think that's the only time these people that call in are honest so now listeners have a chance to get us to answer their questions i would say messages about marriage about dating about mortality if you have a ghost story paranormal activity orbs you have twinkling lights you have sounds or bumps or if you're laying in the mattress and trying to go To sleep and you feel like somebody either sits at the edge of the bed or is moving around you for sure call for that so listeners if you want to take a chance for me to answer all your questions call in and leave a message for oh my god hi eight one eight five three three eighteen forty three what do we have today okay so here we go i'm gonna start with the first one so i'm just going to click On it right here we go hi george this is rachel excited for the new podcast my question is what's the first concert you went to and what's the best concert that you've been to thanks bye well you know music is a huge part of my of my life the first concert i went to i went to see kiss at the fabulous farm in 1976 the ticket was 14. I begged my grandfather for [ __ ] a month you thought i would was asking him for the money to buy a house next door to us that [ __ ] held those fourteen dollars and i and they were gonna give it away i remember these guys were like hey man we're gonna give this to we're gonna sell this ticket if you're not gonna go and it's just this [ __ ] man and i got i got the money i saw them in 1976. Um they were great became a kiss freak as they called us and um i'm gonna go into my friendship with the dude but then the best concert i ever saw i'm gonna say that in 1981 when van halen who was from pasadena headlined the forum for the first time they were like the fun ass band everybody loved them no color lines no racism and music Nothing other than just rock and they had just van halen two had just come out and uh it was from the i told you from the first second through the whole thing and then david lee roth had everybody there 18 000 people yelling disco sucks or just spontaneously at the same time and it was just magnetic like energetic that It's just now you know all that [ __ ] can be created yeah this is just four guys pasadena local and then he came out with a boxer's robe like sequence black and and silver and they had a vh on the back with the hood and then he and then he took the hood down um and he just kind of standing there looking out at the at the artist just And all these people just losing their [ __ ] minds like maybe the loudest i've ever seen uh a crowd be and he stood there for what felt like forever and it was it was just [ __ ] incredible man owned it and it's and it's the and it's you know you see him well when you see something you know multiple times but the first those were pretty good first and they Were what um five years apart yeah thank you for your uh call rachel yeah that was it and tons and tons of shows you know and i think even as you know music becomes easier to see and on the internet and things to you know uh watch uh but i still would say to anybody that anytime when this whole thing is over that you get a chance to go and see live Music i would say go and do that is there another one uh yeah here uh actually this one is uh my just in looking these looks like my personal favorite and it just looks interesting so let's listen oh my god george so it's me jesse what's up so my birthday is actually march 7th so if he answers that would be awesome i actually had a threesome with my Girl and uh the other deal that she actually brought into the relationship uh i would actually like them to be together you know and how would i actually make that go through is that a smart idea i want to see what you say have you ever been in a threesome like this like that i who is this dude that [ __ ] better relax hey you ain't gonna get it if that's your [ __ ] attitude right there you're not gonna get a woman to give you any kind of [ __ ] choice i think he's already done yeah he was excited well um i think his i think his whole approach is you know how did he say get him to do it i think right what to do what's the move he wanted both of them to date each other is that what he said He wants to see let's play it again let's hear it okay all right oh my god george so it's me jesse what's up so my birthday is actually march 7th so if he answers that would be awesome i actually had a threesome with my girl and uh the other girl that she actually brought into the relationship uh i would actually like them to be together you know And how would i actually make that go through is that a smart idea i want to see what you say have you ever been in the threesome like this like i don't know what this is this is my question what about the caltrans do you ever have one go through that is [ __ ] awesome but listen if you're in a threesome with two chicks and you can't get those two to be with each other I think they're going to hook up and then get with me so hey but how would you do that like let's say let's say what advice would you because i know you've been with with three girls or two girls three probably even it whatever it was yeah it was complicated so i i just think it's pretty simple to get them to be together i think if they already did the deed it sounds like he wants them to date though Yeah that's kind of that's what i'm saying if they both date each other then he's gonna be the odd man out you're not gonna i don't know if he wants that listen man you're not gonna get your girlfriend to agree to be dating another girl and have a relationship where like there's one guy and then two women and then when you have sex You know they have they have sex with each other while you're there and then that just becomes the normal part part of your life that's that doesn't happen so i would say to paul ikarai just take what you can take and be happy with that and do not complicate the threesome because complicating the threesome with you know why don't you guys eat each Other now that wouldn't be such a bad thing it just has to happen you can't ask yeah right anybody want ass i just think you just have to maybe i don't think he just wants to the threesome on tap is what he wants you know i mean like he's he wants a threesome on demand yeah exactly exactly i don't think the threesome um happens On demand it's going to happen but also you you don't want it to be um something that's expected either because the beautiful thing about a threesome is when it's unexpected and that's the that's that reveal or hey this is gonna happen is what's exciting about a threesome not you know uh like in wrestling two about two on the other side you know you're like oh the main event you know it's it it has to happen Naturally and uh putting listen you put a label on everything it changes everything so now wild card if you're it's wild card so if your birthday's march 7th maybe we'll try to get this to you by then but um how could i just let it happen dude yep all right that's uh outstanding okay we got another one right here uh this one should be pretty straightforward i think Hey george um oh my god hi so yeah you're having the march first your podcast that's my birthday so um yeah just wanted to say hi you're my dad's favorite he's back for me now but yeah first of all happy birthday march 1st and it's oh my god hi you [ __ ] half-hearted [ __ ] it was a [ __ ] energy but you're a Young guy man [ __ ] half heart oh my god hi you're my dad's favorite but probably your dad's favorite because i got more [ __ ] energy than you right i think he wants a [ __ ] son out there walking around [ __ ] mumbling around the house [ __ ] raise that [ __ ] volume essence and have a good [ __ ] birthday all right Put your own finger in your cool and let your uncle smell it that'll get the [ __ ] party going oh god dig around happy birthday yeah wait you know hey guess what so remember when they had stag films at uh oh yeah bachelor parties you don't [ __ ] heard anybody my friends you they just put them up on like a sheet and they had this lady fingering herself he got mad at i go hey look at her near my Trying to find a car ah that stuff kills me that kind of results hey he [ __ ] took off how to walk over that [ __ ] seven miles i had to walk straight down [ __ ] uh uh what was that street [ __ ] uh cybernational mission that was [ __ ] separate mission in balboa and i lived seven i had to walk in the just because i said hey here and there's Looking closer i got once i got to the park i'm like you know i'm just going to sleep in the [ __ ] park it took me forever to get home man it was just for that what'd you do [ __ ] big bush and [ __ ] [ __ ] fumbling around i said hey check out ernie's mom trying to find her keys hey oh god oh my god that is for that hilarious seven miles oh man that's a good one and Then i got arrested for a dui and i was in one of those uh uh police uh a bands that you see like the big bus where they chain you to another person so they went around uh i got a i got a dui on a sunday night so i woke up in uh foothill and then they go around to all of the other police departments and collect the prisoners then they take you to van nuys And you get arraigned so i was connected to another dude there was like 40 guys in there and then on the way to granada hills the police station we passed that house and of course what do i think that's the house i tore in his mom that you're looking for a [ __ ] car keys digging in there [ __ ] snatching those guys must've been dying oh come on that's 19 years old that's gold and chained to another guy In a cell and um i i i'm looking down you know i'm looking down and these guys in orange jumpsuits come in like we're in our regular clothes because we were arrested on the sunday you got to spend the night but the inmates these guys come from my county jail they're in the orange jumpsuits with those prison you know slip-ons and this guy comes in he's a big dude he's Got like blonde hair and he sits next to me and i look down and his toes are painted right so i look down i'm looking down like this toes are painted and the guard comes to the door and goes lopez and i stood up and the guy in the orange jumpsuit stood up and the guard says no mrs lopez and that guy went and i sat back down and when i got my sitcom i put that scene In uh in my sitcom oh smack word for word uh [Music] in the time that you've been training athletes with all the all the guys that become pictures they're improved physically mentally has it made them more durable as athletes yeah i want to say because you know we talked about somebody either blowing their arm out Back in the day or or even you know if a pitcher was in the double a or triple a however you know it's about throwing hard but the arm can only can only do so much i mean it's human you see a lot like a tommy john surgery but you see guys just tear their arm and they have and once their velocity is gone they're they're done right you know what what is velocity what's velocity So velocity uh they they use a radar gun they call it a radar gun to to measure how fast you know you throw a pitch from home plate i mean from the mound to home plate um average a few years back was like 90 90 miles an hour that was a fast pitch now it's 95 plus guys are throwing 100 miles an hour uh you know some people will say that the guns are a little bit juiced meaning they They they are they are they yeah they have to be it's entertainment you know where we've kind of transitioned into more of an entertainment now so a hundred is a lot sexier than 90. yeah for sure you know so and you're right about every guy only has so many bullets you know so that's another thing as you get older you get wiser so you're like okay why would i throw You know 40 pitches in a bullpen which is like practice i'll throw 20 at quality pace and i'll save those other 20 and those 20 will stack up now when it comes to arm care and and health and all that it has a lot to do with you know your mechanics has a lot to do with your preparation not just the physical preparation but you know how hydrated you are the Nutrition so all these things it's not just one thing it's just like everything else it's very holistic the other thing is guys don't always rev that engine so if they have a batter that's maybe not as tough as another batter you know they'll let off a little bit and and know how to pitch them get them out in two three pitches as opposed to an albert pujols where okay now i'm Going to empty out the tank as they say right so i'm going to throw him that 95 plus where another guy i'll throw him 92.93 i can get him out that way wow that's crazy yeah how did hulu uriaz hurt his arm the first time well we had the surgery and he was out yeah he uh he tore it's uh your shoulder capsule i guess he slightly tore that capsule the capsule kind of came out of the joint So it was it's kind of a tricky surgery where all essentially all they did was was tighten it up a little bit is it is that preventable or is that just no i mean there's a there's a couple things that that went into that injury um you know that the preparation i don't think was one of them it was really how that developed you know from spring training on to when he got sent down to aaa Maybe a little bit of frustration on his part where you know he got sent down after thinking he was going to be up in the big league so again there was a lot of things that went into that injury uh he did have the surgery and every and it actually when the doctor went in there it was a lot better than what the mri had shown so that was like the first positive sign And what was his mental attitude at that point has to be pretty low and athlete has to be like i could be done yeah he was crushed man he was uh he was young at that time he was still probably 21 i want to say 22. yeah so um when you get injured no matter what it is you're always you know it's a setback but that being your bread and butter you know being his left arm throwing 97 98 miles an hour And being touted as his big time prospect that was a big blow to him i remember being with him in the hotel room and we were just having conversations as to you know we at this moment we don't know why it happened but it happened for a reason you know he's a very faithful man so i think at that point um it was devastating to him and you get all these mixed thoughts running through Your mind as is this it but after the surgery once the doctor told him the the news about the injury not being as bad then that was like the spark to kind of trigger him and then later on he figured out you know the answers okay so if i'm a pitcher on a major league baseball team and i have a pretty good arm what's the succession of somebody Telling me how to pitch like let's say i'm pitching friday and uh i'm pitching against a team i'm gonna do my work but does it come down that you have to throw harder that you have to win that is is there is there pressure put on somebody from the side or is it just you going to work and do your job and do your best and if the team scores more runs and you you know hold it down you win Or is there stuff in the business that doesn't necessarily take place on the field will it will the pitching coach go to his hotel room during the day will they talk with the catcher or with a couple coaches and talk about how to how to pitch to the batters or is the guy pretty much left alone yeah well it depends on the guy so if the guy's more of a veteran he Knows what he's doing he has his five-day layout like you said so if he pitches on friday friday's is his game day saturday will be a recovery day or they call it a you know you you uh you flush out you know the body and all that so you prepare so saturday's day one of the flush the second day you get probably lower body workout in Third day uh upper body fourth day nice and easy and then you're back on the on the mound the fifth day now within that you're also working out and then you throw a bullpen session uh the second day after the start okay so that's where you you know you kind of take it nice and easy you work on some things from that start and there is a lot of preparation that goes into it whether it be like you said the pitching coach the catcher they look At film they'll study the team that they're gonna pit uh play against the next time they study the hitters they come up with a kind of a basic plan and how to attack them based on what the pitcher throws i played in high school i played against daryl strawberry in high school i played against john elway in baseball one of my favorite stories by the way i'm going to tell you this i'm going to Tell you this [ __ ] story so i was watching dodger dugout and bert hooton was on and i think jerry doggett would talk to bird hooton and bird hooton threw a knuckle curve and he they showed how he held the ball and they showed how he threw it and they showed what it did and then it's only like a half hour before the dodgers Game started so i get a baseball i go in the backyard and i hold it like that and i throw it and it does what it's supposed to do it goes up and it drops and and i was like what the f what's that it was a sunday too because you know the games are always on sunday so i was in high school so on on monday went to baseball practice and i pitched in little league and i did Pretty hard but i wasn't you know great i was probably average but with that pitch it changed everything like i could i could throw that thing and get dudes out and my coach the coach was like where'd you get that i said i was watching dodger duggar against the wall so cut two my senior year were at granada hills there's thousands of people watching We're playing grenada hills john elway is on the highlanders or grenada's highlanders and the game is pretty tight for a team that sucks like us but you know but we're from san fernando and they're in granada hills and we're playing over there grenada hills and i remember they had an apartment building on the right field side and then across that this huge scoreboard like that wall It said you know home of the champions years years here united highlanders and things and they had a kid up there uh on a chair and he would put the numbers after the thing it was there was an electronic scoreboard so my buddy arnold who i met in 1973 still friends with he was catching and uh we call that pitch the delightful You know they go throw the light forward i would throw it and it really did look [ __ ] delightful because it would go like this and it would drop and dudes would just they would swing and they'd go and the catcher you know he would catch it and he'd always make a point in your life like this and throw it back and i would throw it again and the guys would go like this and they would go in right for a strike so it was You know i couldn't throw fast enough to get john elway out but with that i could get i could get him so so bases are loaded it's like in the bottom of the seventh inning we're winning like four to two based on loaded and john always uh and i'm and i'm just like you know these [ __ ] people are watching and you know if listen Nobody deserves i didn't deserve to be in that in that the [ __ ] coach puts me in there the other end i got some dudes out trying to hold on you know and i throw it the first pitch i throw it and it looks like it's not going to do like the minute i throw it i still remember it and honestly i said i said oh this [ __ ] is not going To do what i thought it was going to do and it gave over and he swings at it like and he and he pops it into the net above him and i'm like holy and i even he throws it back and i and i i said i [ __ ] dodged i dodged a bullet there because that would have been it so the next pitch i throw a fastball inside and he and he kind of moves out Of the way and it hit it cuts inside and i got him o2 so i got him o2 and and now everybody's like i gotta mow two like john elway oh two bases loaded granada hills i throw another pitch a little bit up high and he swings at it up high around the eyes and he follows it up in the thing so then he follows another one off and and i'm throwing kind of fastballs but i'm trying to move him around he follows Another one off and then i throw now i'm not throwing in the [ __ ] delightful because so i throw another one and now it's it's uh three and two and i throw a fastball and it's kind of up high and he follows it off again and i throw another fastball and he fouls it off again and i'm getting a little bit [ __ ] tired man so arnold calls timeout And he comes over and uh i still remember my bed put the helm he put the mask up over his eyes and he's little and he goes delightful [ __ ] i said [ __ ] you wait he says [ __ ] you i'm not throwing that [ __ ] because hey [ __ ] throw it and ever that's what you're doing [ __ ] hits me on the chest a [ __ ] throw it i said no he goes [ __ ] throw a little piggy [ __ ] hey [ __ ] throw it i said i'm not gonna throw it so he gets in the thing and he [ __ ] throws down the thing and i go like that go no and he's like no throw a fastball follows it off he calls time again he comes over he goes [ __ ] throw it he can't he won't hit it he's not expecting that so who is expecting that [ __ ] i'm not i'm not expecting it And he follows another and this is like that this [ __ ] has fallen off like eight balls like i've thrown 14 pitches to this [ __ ] game and i'm out there man there's all these people there and i said i'm gonna throw it so but [ __ ] i i throw it and it's beautiful and it's out there and it's going like this you can see it Going like this and elway leans forward and i think i got him but any good baseball bat but they lean forward their hands are back and it's like he's fooled and he's and and he just goes like that he just goes like that and this remember in the cartoons when the ball would have a mouth and yell like yeah wherever that [ __ ] like leaves The yard you're what it looks like that [ __ ] ball is going like a laser not a home run it's just a massively well-headed line drive and where's it going to the kid in the chair that's changing the numbers and the kid in the chairs changes never sees it and he goes like this out of the way and the chair falls and it literally hits behind them and All the numbers on the on the scoreboard pop off because they're only on with a little piece of you know things and now they're all in the air you know it looks like a goddamn [ __ ] kino the [ __ ] baby like the kino [ __ ] machine exploded [ __ ] numbers flying everywhere and the little kid falls eight and his [ __ ] leg he felt like six feet his [ __ ] leg hurts the chair fell off and and elway's running and all The [ __ ] guys are running in and they're all [ __ ] high-fiving each other and we lose you know and and and i'm like in the in the on the bus back like you [ __ ] you had a little bit of a [ __ ] delay what you thought i threw a [ __ ] delight for it and uh and we went to granada hills a couple weeks after that to a party all of us and you know we'd get all [ __ ] loaded and then arnold goes hey lopez drive by the fee away i said what field granada hills i said [ __ ] it's like 1 30 in the morning so we drive by the the where the scoreboard is and we get out and there was a full moon and i go what are you guys looking at and you could see the dent and the Scoreboard from where the ball hit and those dudes were going look where it hit and you really could see the deck and and we were laughing so [ __ ] hard in the street out there in the middle of the night because that's where the ball hit you can still see it and every once in a while over the last you know year after that we'd stop by and [ __ ] laugh i don't know why It came out it became like a great place to go laugh right right there right under the thing uh uh but to play you know to play against guys like that uh you know i never thought strawberry two you know all that monroe and you guys knew you said you guys knew he was going remember you knew he was like the man they had this valley game and they played at csun Where all the all the best players uh in southern california played there and elway played yeah and uh you know he had like two home runs so we're all 18 years old even everywhere so all all my friends go there's probably like the whole team 14 guys and we're just we're almost like old chicanos we're like hello good luck in the sir leagues sir and we Check his head he goes oh thanks he's our age a lot of guys go hey man you're the greatest person i've ever seen you know ever he's our age yeah but talk about god-given like he was you know he ran like john wayne he was pigeon-footed yeah that's right and then i remember we flew back from a tournament on with wayne gretzky and his playing with elway and the whole time we were talking about The [ __ ] for delightful because that was you it's even [ __ ] uh i also remember you always got me uh yeah i think those guys always remember that stuff what about that time in new york with the all-star game when we met up in that lounge and we asked wally bell to go with us oh my god the umpire yeah and uh we asked wally bell to go With us right did he go to dinner with us or we went to drinks with us no i think uh it was just drinks we went to drinks and we and he was just sitting there by himself like an umpire would and we invited him we came out had a great time with us and then i remember when we got back we're all hammered and he said george you know there's another place around the block we can go get a drink I'm out and then he passed away that year yeah but he told all the other umpires of how kind we were i was to him or we all were to him so with the umpires i'm you know i go see we go see him after every game right to the world series and stuff like that but you know when you see a guy sitting at the bar by himself how great is it i see myself in the future so hello Come by with the chicken i got you guys but great but great uh great guys how do you get all those girls in let's be honest with you what do you say you really what do you say to him no well it's funny you know it sounds like a stupid question but i was i've never been really good with women at all i don't have the confidence that it takes to To be well it's very depth it is a very deep question though i don't have the confidence that it takes to initiate and then once you get past that rocket stage i don't have the emotion to want to stay connected which is one of the reasons i prefer to not be involved well i can halfway agree with the one though but he's great with women we've Talked to him i mean he's just really cool he's like the coolest person to meet right and he's genuine and all that kind of stuff i get the other stuff because it's usually his choice to go i'm not gonna call him i never saw a relationship valued in my family it wasn't my grandmother and grandfather because uh sean i dare i say about 10 days before my grandfather died i guess i got an argument At the market and my grandmother comes in and she goes i wish he was dead and 10 days later he died but she said i wish i was uh dead to me oh i wish you were dead and i'm still here and she's been gone for [ __ ] 11 years but but it's that kind of attitude like imagine man like this lady says i wish he was dead and um forget the fact that he died but that's what i grew up around People saying i wish you weren't here wish you were dead why don't you [ __ ] drop dead kind of [ __ ] and it's funny man cause you don't think that that that stuff carries through your life and i think it's detrimental man and you know this dude right here is my best friend but also his relationship is is great and around these days like valentine's day of the holidays it's Really hard for me because it's been like that my whole life and i don't think i don't i don't i don't know if that is ever going to be something that is ever going to change um for me in a place where you know i look like i may have found my soul mate you know at almost 60. i watch you and we see him with the chicks and out and and literally i remember years ago i Said to a guy what do you what do you say to him there's two things so a comedian we were in houston and the guy says i have a couple friends coming in this weekend for the show on saturday they're gonna stay here he stayed in the condo and that's and they walk in and they're both really beautiful and while they're changing and getting ready Um i look at them and we're watching like baseball and i said i said a man how did you how do you get two girls and he goes well how do you get two girls he was a good looking dude and they were walking out and he says to me like he says like this and they walk out and he goes your neighbors aren't gonna you you're not gonna wear that are you and they both look and they go you don't Like what we're wearing no i mean if that's what you're gonna wear that's fine and they both go change and he looks at me because that's how you get two girls backhanded stuff like that yeah yeah backhanded but you know you don't want to you don't want to be a [ __ ] deceitful mother i mean no i mean i will be but no but i don't but i don't even i don't even invest I don't even invest in that i don't even invest in that anymore you know what i think is unfair is that when you're growing up and all these things are going to be with you for the rest of your life that you're too young to even know what those things are or or too young to you know it's not fair it's not fair that you see something at 11 that's going to stay with you for the rest of your life And affect how you treat people or um affect how you treat women you know like my mom was not my biological mother was not somebody who was um even worthy to be a mom because not mentally in the right place and things like that and you know man i just think that those things just Destroyed me as a kid and then it just stayed with me as an adult and i don't i don't think that there's you know therapeutic this guy for 20 years i'm not a quitter but i don't think that there's anything that can remove that feeling in my heart of the things that i saw and i and those things um are the things i think that have kept Me from being a a husband when i was married or you know a partner even if if i was dating somebody and that's that's that's completely like open up and i don't think it's latino thing you know a lot of everything i talk about is you think you equate it back to the culture which i which i did because it was easy you know made a lot of money doing that uh in stand-up but i think It's just with guys too like if you see something you know like my mom was you know lived up in sacramento promiscuous and let me tell you jesse and i remember one time these people were trying to like you know keep me busy outside and i went inside and i went in this room and i saw my mom with this dude and It's just nasty man and it's you're just like people were like trying to keep me out of the house because that was going on and to see it it's just i just don't think that there's some things that are maybe too big to overcome that's a big one that's large i mean on top of the relationship you had already with that that's a tough one so and then you know my grandmother wasn't My grandmother you met my great my grandmother was she she was all right i met her she's awesome to me she's really nice i don't know if i make her out to be the the worst i don't know but she you know she did the best that she i guess she could but her family was bad and then the kids and all that stuff so you know as uh you know as i get older And you see it sometimes in me where i don't think i ever get get down but i just think that you know i would like to tell somebody hey you know you can overcome everything because you know that's what people want to hear when they say you go talk to these kids you know you can become a success yes and you can become a great father you know guys who are who Are actually good fathers and happy to be married and guys who you know go places and treat employees bad because it's their way of dealing with the frustrations that they might have at home when they can't talk to their wife like that they talk to waiters like that or they talk to people they meet like that and um you know as you as you get as you get One life to go around you see some people that are really mean man and really mean to other people um there was a guy at lakeside that was a guy who was like mean to people and he had a heart attack out on the course and the ambulance was out there and they said i said who's that and they said it's that guy and i said Good hope that [ __ ] dies and he didn't die that day but he died eventually and then that that i mean that's where i went because that guy was a mean guy he was like not a not a not a good dude he might have killed himself by being so mean to himself but i think it's social media i think this is a uh no this isn't a real world man this is not a real Those pictures aren't real those people aren't real their lives aren't real and you know not everybody is meant to have followers or not everybody is meant to be liked or not everybody can be driven by you know trying to jump off your house and [ __ ] busting your [ __ ] hip in 12 places you know and it's just this thing where the most superficial things Mean the most and it's counter to what's good for and decent for people 100 percent right yep i knew this girl who took a picture of her you know her nails and in front of an audi and all this this and that and that girl was extremely depressed why are my pictures getting likes you know we're creating we're creating life yeah one of one of the guys that i study a Lot his name is paul check and he talks about the the bigger the distance between what your life really is and what you portray out in social media you know the bigger the gap the bigger the disease so if i post you know how come you don't [ __ ] people don't post pictures of their bank accounts or their naked bodies because they're not truthful to themselves but they'll post You know a lamborghini that's not theirs or this filtered body you know all molded and and waxed out you know yeah exactly yeah wow so so it is man it's dangerous that this social so would you say like women who who become like because of this pandemic you know for fans only where they're showing all the oils and and And you know the breasts and all that stuff it's almost like bait right like if you were fishing you know you put a worm on there you put a piece of cheese you know for you you put like a very good thought in the water i'll buy it right hey they're biting today and i didn't really want to do you know a podcast to to because there's so many of them But what i really wanted to do it for was to be able to either answer questions that people had or ask those questions like that like are we a [ __ ] society that all you have to do is put [ __ ] big kids in a dm or on a [ __ ] account and and you get a lot of followers i mean this you know are we driven by [ __ ] showing you know your [ __ ] ass And you know tits and you know and and the way you look or you're dancing outside of a [ __ ] car i mean is that it's the to me it's the law it's really the lowest of [ __ ] values of of decency and humanity yeah 100 there's a there's a documentary called the social dilemma and it talks about all that and how all that's kind of controlled and how it's creating just this Bad you know energy amongst humans man it's just disconnecting us more than it is connecting us because we're misusing it and we're not only just misusing it but people are manipulating you know how we use it they're almost like steering us you know it's funny because i'll look up something on google that i'm searching for to buy and then all of a sudden on my instagram Feed it's on there so it's like way so so are they trying to direct this whole thing for me it's like no man i'm living you know my life right yeah let me live my puppet strings kind of guiding you through the whole thing and that's the same thing where it becomes addictive for a woman to post a certain picture and it gets a million likes and oh [ __ ] i'm gonna do that again i want to do that one again instead of being you know posting some real content it's Just the worst part of humanity man i think is to is to spend any time of your life to comment on someone you don't know because somebody showed you a picture you know yeah that's crazy i mean isn't it maybe order or to take or to go in after somebody like you know they think somebody's going to be trending because you You know somebody got into somebody's [ __ ] you know or they're you know they got beef [Music] i saw john holmes at pharaoh's one time made an ice cream oh my god and they brought one of those big ones you know for your birthday i said that [ __ ] dude's dick could [ __ ] hit the bottom of that [ __ ] skin diver [ __ ] marmal marathon [ __ ] ice cream And still not even hit his pedals there he lay it out there like a subway sandwich every year i did and you know what and and you think you could hide in plain sight they were like [ __ ] joe the [ __ ] people that are buying that long ass licorice remember that long like yeah oh yeah that broke see if your [ __ ] baby doesn't [ __ ] longer than this [ __ ] licorice right here right [ __ ] by the Foot oh my gosh kids would argue with a licorice roll that's not a foot it's not john furrier man let's just make a pencil mark so people that buy [ __ ] licorice don't get cheated oh my god so our barrels this was before i guess they used to put you know kids might choke on things you know there was a feral rusita can you imagine if you're even Ice cream homemade was at the bottom and he's like thank god you got [ __ ] freezing so hanging out your pants let's get ice cream on it so i on this baseball team my coach was like uh he was like maybe like 300 pounds good dude and his son play on the team this summer a little bit you know off a little bit uh dan and we went to farrell's And they would bring you the silver thing of ice cream remember they would put it like in a stretcher or these guys remember that they play all the [ __ ] horns and run around ferals and there's like god who's that for you know running around and it's this big tub of ice cream but in the ice cream there's little plastic figurines like this like a fish or like a fireman or like mermaids And the mermaids didn't have tops but they're plastic like little orange things they were green or blue they the ferals put it in the ice cream i mean imagine bringing ice cream to kids and serving it with plastic things yeah in it so when a kid eats an ice cream you have to rely on the kids saying look you know a [ __ ] dolphin you know getting chokeables and the thing is so true story so so So we're all there you know and dan co you know the the little boy you know uh dan he's a little bit off you know so he's eating it and he pulls on like an orange mermaid and he cleans the ice cream up and he's licking her boobs like that and the dad comes behind and [ __ ] hits him in the back of the head and he swallows the thing and he's and he's [ __ ] choking On the plastic [ __ ] mermaid and he's like and and and you know back then all they did was put your hands over your head they go put your hands up there and a [ __ ] mermaid is in his [ __ ] mouth and they're like what happened and his dad can't believe that because he slapped him he swallowed the [ __ ] mermaid and we're like he's choking on a mermaid and how [ __ ] stupid does that sound Your [ __ ] kids are on the table and he's all [ __ ] red his bucket eyes are in his [ __ ] ears are like colors [ __ ] and he it's [ __ ] cyber you can see it on the [ __ ] he's like and [ __ ] choking how stupid are doesn't sound you know he's like he's choking on a fish and all the [ __ ] kids like it's a [ __ ] mermaid and he's he's [ __ ] dying and before The heimlich they [ __ ] just [ __ ] hauled him upside down oh god i don't even think i told you this in the in the early 2000s when people would ask me you know have a certain aspect or you know doing different interviews you know how did you know when you made it you know what at what point did you say you know i made it So in doing my in doing my television show uh the prop guy um bobby great guy comes over to me and he goes hey man i got a call from this girl uh who's a who's a a prop person on a porn movie because you know you know the poor movie what are they what are they like uh what props would they need uh a chair i guess so yeah yeah a pool sweep uh yeah so so He says uh this girl asked me you know can you help me make this prop for this movie they're doing a movie that's like uh a radar like a like they need like a laser gun that shoots mecca like a laser gun and he needs to look you know they're doing they're doing us like a sci-fi porno movie and um they're shooting it on sunday at an old hospital in boyle heights So on friday he says to me you know call me chief hey chief you want to go over here to this thing on on sunday and i said why would i want to go to see a [ __ ] porno movie being made and then he told me who it was which i won't say the name can i say the name and you guys will block it or should i not say the name i don't want to say that i don't want the name to be known Okay so but it is it is at that time if not maybe one of the top five porn stars of all time oh man so when he says the name i said oh [ __ ] um i think yeah i think i'm i think i i think i will go with you so we go and i'm standing in the background and they're still filming and there's a guy that you recognize from the movies Uh and i'm like oh [ __ ] that is that [ __ ] uh tom byron he's so so thrilled you know and then uh john does that john doe so i'm looking and and then i see the the porno actress the top five and i'm like whoa and then you know i i back up further into the dark you know i'm back in the corner like this like you know And they're going through the because it is a business so it's a business you know they went through the business and then they're done with that thing and she's there and she's doing something on her own and then she i guess she hears that i'm there and she has this instrument that she's using on herself and she sees me and she says hey george lopez why are you crying and she's As she's oh as she's doing this she's going because that chocolate bunny why are you crying and she's reciting my material with this thing inside of her as i'm standing there and when people ask me at what point did you know you made it that was the point that i realized that i had made it how do you react you're like yeah well i would i wouldn't Know how to react she's she's going let me tell you the [ __ ] inside of my underwear it looked like somebody shot a jurgen's bottle oh my god oh my god you made it i think uh being addicted my addicted to the point is i think it's i think it's bad i think it's you know i think it porn in general yeah man i think and not because ted bundy said so Because that's what he said started him on it but i just think that you know and and i've looked at a lot of it and i you know i'm not connected to people like and i think that that i'm going to say that that i think it's detrimental to a mind if there had been internet porn when i was 11 or in my roughest time like 10 I probably would have [ __ ] my grandmother in the sleep i'm just kidding episode one oh my god hi i think that's it listen everybody thanks for listening to all your friends wherever you get a podcast apple spotify wherever you know bad news travels fast so tell everybody and um we appreciate you spending your time with us and i love the fact that uh this is Really kind of a fun thing to do and i get to hang out with you i hang out with all the time but more importantly i appreciate you guys for checking me out and it's been a lot of fun and we hope that you like it it's fun for us and thanks for spending time with us brian kellen who i call you super i don't even think i call you brian super yeah I love you man i love you man and uh and keep those voicemails going the number is three and [ __ ] 818-533-1843 i appreciate you brother around thanks so much thank you thank you for sharing all that stuff but also thank you for being a good friend to me um for all these years and will continue to be a good friend you know i love you man i love you yes sir Brother thank you so thank you everybody for listening to oh my god hi on all things you

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