Taliban Promises A Gentler Touch With Women And Civilians In New Charm Offensive

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Taliban leaders are trying to convince the Afghan public that they have nothing to fear from the group known for reprisal killings and subjugation of women. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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WELCOME -- WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO PUT TO REST THE RUMORS I'M A BIT OF A LADIES MAN. ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHERE THESE STARTED. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THESE STARTED. FOLKS, IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS SINCE CAN YOU BELIEVE FELL. IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, U.S. TROOPS HAVE RESTORED ORDER INSIDE KABUL'S AIRPORT ALLOWING EVACUATION FLIGHTS TO RESUME. AND WHEN THEY'RE DONE THERE, MAYBE WE COULD GET THEM TO RESTORE ORDER AT OUR AIRPORTS? BECAUSE THERE'S A GUY DUCT-TAPED TO A SEAT IN COACH SCREAMING ABOUT HOW MASKS CONTAMINATE HIS SPERM. ( LAUGHTER ) OTHER THAN THE AIRPORT, THE TALIBAN CONTROL PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE COUNTRY, INCLUDING ALL THE EXPENSIVE STUFF WE LEFT THERE. IN THEIR CAKEWALK TO POWER, THE TALIBAN GRABBED U.S.-SUPPLIED GUNS, AMMUNITION, HELICOPTERS, AND COMBAT AIRCRAFT. NORMALLY, TO GET THAT MANY AMERICAN WEAPONS, YOU HAVE TO GO TO WALMART. ( LAUGHTER ) FOR THE PEOPLE OF AFGHANISTAN, TODAY IS THE TRANSITION FROM "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?" TO "WHAT HAPPENS NOW?" THE LAST TIME THE TALIBAN WERE IN POWER, IT WAS A MONSTROUSLY REPRESSIVE REGIME. BUT THIS NEW TALIBAN CLAIMS THEY'RE A NEW TALIBAN, TRYING TO COME ACROSS AS MORE MODERATE AS THEY SEEK TO REBRAND THEMSELVES. YES, THEY WERE "THE TALIBAN," BUT NOW THEY'RE THE "TALI-BUDDIES!" ( LAUGHTER ) AS PART OF THEIR NEW IMAGE THE TALIBAN ARE PROMISING AFGHANISTAN'S WOMEN: "TRUST US WE'VE CHANGED." ALSO, THEY PROMISE NO REPRISAL KILLINGS. THAT'S NOT REALLY COMFORTING WHEN YOU HAVE TO GUARANTEE THAT. IT REMINDS ME OF TACO BELL'S AD FOR THE GORDITA CRUNCH WRAP. "THIS TIME, WE PROMISE, IT'S MEAT." ( LAUGHTER ) ANYONE WITH A SHRED OF SOUL FEELS FOR THE AFGHAN PEOPLE. SO NATURALLY, THAT EXCLUDES FOX NEWS HOST, AND DEAD-EYED LEGO MAN, SEAN HANNITY. ( BOOING ) ON HIS RADIO SHOW YESTERDAY, HANNITY TASTEFULLY USED THE SITUATION IN AFGHANISTAN AS A POINT OF DEPARTURE TO WHAT TO HIM WAS CLEARLY A MORE IMPORTANT SUBJECT. >> THERE IS A STAMPEDE. NOT ONLY OUT OF AFGHANISTAN BUT A STAMPEDE AWAY FROM HIGH PRICES, OVERPRICED SERVICE FROM THE BIG CARRIERS LIKE VERIZON, AT&T, T-MOBILE. THE AVERAGE FAMILY MAKING THE SWITCH TO PURETALK. >> STEPHEN: HE USED THE FALL OF KABUL, THE TRAGIC CULMINATION OF 20 YEARS OF THE U.S. SACRIFICE OF LIVES AND RESOURCES, AS A CLEVER SEGUE TO GET TO A SPONSOR. REMINDS ME OF THIS MOMENT IN BROADCAST HISTORY: >> OH, AND IT'S BURSTING INTO FLAMES! MUCH LIKE THE BURST OF FLAVOR FROM DOUBLE BUBBLE GUM. OH, THE CHEW-MANITY! >> STEPHEN: EXCITING NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TRIGGERING THEIR P.T.S.D. ABOUT THE LAST FOUR YEARS, BECAUSE THE TITLE AND COVER OF BOB WOODWARD'S NEW BOOK ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAVE BEEN REVEALED. IT'S CALLED "PERIL." THE FOLLOW-UP TO WOODWARD'S OTHER BOOKS ABOUT THE 45TH PRESIDENT, "FEAR" AND "RAGE." IT'S A TRILOGY, LIKE "LORD OF THE RINGS," OR THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S WIVES. "PERIL" WILL LOOK AT THE 2020 ELECTION, BUT ALSO EXAMINE THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION AND PRESIDENT BIDEN'S INAUGURATION. WOW. THAT IS A FAST TURN-AROUND. AT THIS PACE, WOODWARD'S BOOKS ARE GOING TO CATCH UP TO REAL-TIME. AND... I'M TOLD WE HAVE AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE FOURTH BOOK. IT'S CALLED "NOW," BY BOB WOODWARD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) HOW DID WE GET THIS? DON'T KNOW? LET'S READ A LITTLE EXCERPT RIGHT HERE. "STEPHEN OPENED TO A RANDOM PAGE AND BEGAN TO READ FROM THIS BOOK." HOW IS HE DOING THIS? "HOW IS HE DOING THIS? 'YEE!', HE SCREAMED, AS HE RECOILED AND THREW THE BOOK BACK TO HIS STAGE MANAGER, MARK." YEE! ( LAUGHTER ) EVEN WITH DELTA SPREADING LIKE A WILDFIRE MADE OF HOTCAKES, THERE IS BIG NEWS ABOUT VACCINATIONS. TOMORROW, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS EXPECTED TO ANNOUNCE THAT MOST AMERICANS SHOULD GET A CORONAVIRUS BOOSTER VACCINATION EIGHT MONTHS AFTER THEY RECEIVED THEIR SECOND SHOT. WE'RE GOING TO GET A THIRD SHOT! SO SOMEHOW, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE VACCINE CARD EVEN BIGGER. ( LAUGHTER ) IT FITS IN MOST MID-SIZED SEDANS. THE FIRST PEOPLE TO GET BOOSTERS WILL LIKELY BE NURSING HOME RESIDENTS AND HEALTHCARE WORKERS, WHO COULD GET THE JAB AS EARLY AS MID-SEPTEMBER. SO THESE ARE AUTUMN SHOTS. THE OPTIONS WILL BE MODERNA, PFIZER, OR PUMPKIN SPICE. NOW, I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT THIS IS A BIT OF A 180 FOR THE C.D.C. JUST LAST MONTH, THEY SAID, "AMERICANS WHO HAVE BEEN FULLY VACCINATED DO NOT NEED A BOOSTER SHOT AT THIS TIME." FIRST MASKS, NOW THIS. WHAT ELSE WILL THE C.D.C. SUDDENLY FLIP ON? COULD I HAVE BEEN EATING RAW CHICKEN THIS WHOLE TIME, LIKE SOME RICH GUY'S LABRADOODLE? MY COAT COULD BE SO GLOSSY. SO, VACCINE SITES ARE ABOUT TO RAMP UP AGAIN. YOU HEAR THAT, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WHO ARE STILL ON THE FENCE ABOUT THE FIRST DOSE? BECAUSE THE REST OF US ARE ABOUT TO GO BACK FOR THIRDS. WE'RE OFFERING YOU THAT LAST SLICE OF PIZZA BEFORE WE TAKE IT, AND IN THIS CASE, THE PEPPERONI DOESN'T KILL YOU. SO, I ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO GET VACCINATED, BUT ALSO BE CAREFUL WHICH SHOT YOU GET. BECAUSE RECENTLY IN NORWAY, A MAN WAS SENTENCED FOR SMUGGLING 80 POUNDS OF SPEED DISGUISED AS COVID VACCINES. THERE'S AN EASY WAY TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE: IF YOU GOT THE REAL VACCINE, SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE FEVER AND FATIGUE. IF YOU GOT THE NORWEGIAN SHOT, SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE NOT BLINKING, GRINDING YOUR TEETH DOWN TO NUBS, AND STAYING UP 72 HOURS RECORDING A HEAVY-METAL CONCEPT ALBUM ABOUT ELVES. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THEN THE FEVER AND FATIGUE. ON THE PLUS SIDE: EVERY DOSE OF SPEED IS A BOOSTER SHOT. ( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO NORWEGIAN BORDER POLICE, THE SMUGGLER HID THE DRUGS IN THE ROOF OF HIS VAN, AND THEN COVERED IT IN MAGNETIC STICKERS WITH THE BIONTECH LOGO. THAT'S A DEAD GIVEAWAY. IF IT WERE REAL VACCINES, YOU WOULDN'T NEED THE STICKERS TO BE MAGNETIC. THE MAN'S LAWYERS SAY HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS SMUGGLING, AND THE ONLY REASON HIS FINGERPRINTS WERE ON THE BAGS OF DRUGS IS BECAUSE ONE OF THE BAGS FELL FROM THE HIDDEN COMPARTMENT AND HIT HIS HEAD DURING THE JOURNEY. REMINDS ME OF HOW ISAAC NEWTON DISCOVERED GRAVITY... WHILE ON METH. (AS NEWTON) "NO, NO, NO, HEAR ME OUT, WHAT IF THERE'S THIS INVISIBLE FORCE THAT MAKES EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE ATTRACTED TO EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE! HEY, WE SHOULD RECORD A CONCEPT ALBUM! ABOUT ELVES!" ( APPLAUSE ) >> GOT TO BE HEAVY METAL. >> Stephen: THEN LET'S CLEAN THE CASTLE WITH A TOOTHBRUSH! ( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER COVID NEWS, PEOPLE VACATIONING AT NATIONAL PARKS WILL NEED TO PACK A LIL' SOMETHING EXTRA, BECAUSE THE PARK SERVICE ANNOUNCED THAT ALL VISITORS MUST BRING A FACE MASK. THAT'S NEW. UP TILL NOW, THE ONLY THING YOU HAD TO BRING WAS THE FALSE BELIEF THAT YOU WERE GOING TO ENJOY HIKING FOR THREE DAYS. ( LAUGHTER ) "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SAY THAT HIKING REQUIRED WALKING? AND THE WHOLE THING IS OUTSIDE? WHY? DON'T SAY SCENERY, OKAY? I SEEN IT FROM THE CAR WINDOW. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WALKERY." IT'S NOT JUST VISITORS. EVERYBODY, INCLUDING EMPLOYEES AND CONTRACTORS, WILL HAVE TO WEAR A MASK INSIDE ALL NATIONAL PARK SERVICE BUILDINGS AND EVEN IN CROWDED OUTDOOR SPOTS. WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE. EVERY HOUR, OLD FAITHFUL SPRAYS ITS FLUIDS EVERYWHERE. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE STILL DIVIDED ABOUT WEARING MASKS, SO THE PARK SERVICE HAS RELEASED A MASK P.S.A. THAT APPEALS TO BOTH SIDES OF THE DEBATE: >> ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT THE SPREAD OF COVID-19. SO, WEAR A MASK. PSYCH! JUST KIDDING! MASKS MAKE YOU INFERTILE! FAUCI IS A ROBOT PROGRAMMED BY GEORGE SOROS! WOOO! LET'S SET OFF FIREWORKS IN THE RED WOODS! IT'S BROWN BEAR SUMMER, (BLEEP)! HAHAHAHA! >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE THE WONDERFUL AMANDA PEET AND SOCCER AFICIONADO ROGER BENNETT. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE TALKING WITH CNN'S CLARISSA WARD FROM KABUL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪

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