How to Handle Defensiveness in Communication: Tips for Healthier Conversations

If there's one thing that I personally struggle with, it's feeling defensive. It's natural, but it's also the number one killer of conversation. If you feel defensive, you shut everybody off, and if they feel defensive, they're not going to listen to anything else you have to say.

On today's episode, it's all about how you handle defensiveness. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would leave a review, or a star, or anything, it really matters, and I read them all.

If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. I also want to make sure that you know my book, *The Next Conversation*, is officially out on pre-order, and I put the links down in the show notes. If there's one thing about defensiveness, it's that it's so easy to do.

It's just biological; it's natural. Because anything that you perceive as a threat or a challenge, you fight against. It is natural; it's part of your fight or flight response.

In any argument that you're going to have, there are two sides: there is an ignition side and a cooling side. That ignition is triggered by things that stimulate you. So, anytime somebody challenges your opinion or disagrees with you, your body perceives that as a threat that says, "I don’t like that.

" When it gives you an opinion and you disagree, your body says, "I don't like that. Somebody's telling you what to do. " Your body goes, "I don't really like that.

" So, every time that happens, there is a desire to push back against it. If somebody's telling you, "You need to go do this," you automatically want to say, "No, I don't. " If somebody says, "Oh, you behaved this way last night; you were in a bad mood," you automatically want to go, "No, I wasn't!

Who are you to tell me how I was, or how I'm feeling, or what to do? " We preserve that element of autonomy within ourselves, and so anytime you feel defensiveness, it is just so reactionary, and it's nearly impossible to stop from the get-go. But there are some tips and techniques that I'm going to give you to make sure that you know how to handle it in the moment.

Number one, to keep yourself from getting defensive, let their words fall to the ground. This is what I mean in case you forgot: other people's words are not your responsibility to carry. It's not tennis or volleyball; you don't have to throw anything back.

So instead, you're just going to take a breath, imagine that their words fall to the ground, and you get to decide whether to pick them up or just leave them there. You're going to find, more often than not, you just want to leave them there. Number two, get rid of beginning your sentence with "you.

" When it comes to responding in an argument, the word "you" is very triggering because it's you telling them what to do, how they should behave, what they need to say, and what they need to do, and they're going to get defensive. So instead of "you," we're going to tweak that to start with "I. " When you start with "I," it's not nearly as triggering.

Number three, you're going to use phrases that help dampen defensive responses. Responses like, "I agree," "That's something that we should consider," or "That's helpful for me to know, thank you. " When you use those phrases, it's telling them that they're getting acknowledged, and they're not going to get defensive.

What I try to do when somebody tells me something and I can tell that I'm getting defensive, I try to imagine that what they just told me was a piano note. You ever heard somebody just hit one key on the piano and they just leave their finger there? You just let that note sustain—is what they call it.

You let that note just end by itself to where it eventually just falls and drops; the note is no longer heard. That's how I imagine it. So when somebody says something that I don't like, instead of having this very reactionary response, this very defensive response that I know is not worth my energy and time, I picture in my mind that it has fallen.

The words just fell out of their mouth and they're on the ground, and I get to look at them and go, "Is this worth my time? Is this worth my energy? " Often, when I start to get involved in it and I start to pick it up, I tell myself this phrase that I use in small talk, and that is: I tell myself, "Put it down, Jefferson!

Put it down, Jefferson; it's not worth your time! What are you doing? Put it down!

" I say those things to myself, and it helps me; it controls my emotions. When I can inject my breath, let my breath be the first thing that I say, and have that slow reaction, I go, "You know what? Nah, I don't have to send that back.

I don't have to hit that back over the net. I don't have to take a swing at this; just let it go by. There's not an umpire; just let them have a bad pitch.

They throw a ball—so what? You don't swing at them; you don't swing at those. " So when I have that kind of mentality, it helps me in a very specific way because defensive behavior is just biological.

It is innate within every one of us that we naturally want to defend things. We want to defend our intelligence; we want to. .

. Uh, defend our credibility. We want to defend our own ideas and opinions, and when somebody is conflicting with those, we want to put our wall up, put our shield up to protect that.

That's why so often, when you start to say things and you can tell somebody's fighting and fighting and fighting, they are defending against their own ideas; they are protecting their house, so to speak. That's why that whole idea of having something to learn instead of something to prove, having something that's open rather than something that's pointing at them, is going to open up the dialogue so much better and not lead to these defensive reactions. So, anytime that somebody tells you something and you start to feel that tension in your body that's preparing you for that fight or flight, just imagine that their words are falling to the ground.

You're going to take a few seconds and decide for yourself, is this something I need to respond to? In truth, it's a cycle—what I call a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I say something and they get defensive, well, more often than not, they're going to say something back, and then I'm going to get defensive, and all of a sudden, we're just saying things that are hurting each other.

We both have our walls up. When it comes to defensive behavior, one of the worst things you can do is begin your sentence with "you. " If I were to tell you right now, "You seem like you're in a bad mood," or if I were just to be very blunt and say, "You're in a bad mood," most likely you're going to disagree with me, correct me, or adjust what I just told you.

You're going to say, "No, no, I'm not," or "No, I'm just irritated right now. " You're not going to accept that I said you're in a bad mood because "you" is assumption-based; it’s trying to tell somebody what they're doing and what they need to be doing. It gets people defensive because what they want to say is, "Yes, I am!

I am listening to you," versus me saying, "I feel like you're not listening to me. I feel like I'm not being heard. " When you change "you" to "I," it's not nearly as defensive because I'm not assuming that you're doing anything.

If I were to say, "You don't even care," automatically, you're going to think inside, "Yes, I am! I do care! " People don’t like to be told that they are something or that they feel a certain way or that they're doing something.

We don't like that. So, when you easily turn it from starting your sentence with "you" to "I," it's just that simple. I can't make it any more simple than that.

When somebody's getting defensive, the most likely culprit is that you started a sentence with "you. " I'm also guilty of that. Anytime that somebody's getting defensive in an argument with me or a conversation, I can go back in my mind and say, “I started that sentence with 'you'; I shouldn't have done that.

” When I rephrase it with an "I" and say, "Hey, can I start over? I feel like I wasn't heard," I'm beginning with "I," and it's going to smooth it out a whole lot better. So, the easiest transition here is anytime you say something to keep somebody from getting defensive, instead of "you," just replace it with "I.

" Instead of saying, "You can't talk to me like that," say, "I don’t respond to that volume. I don’t respond to that tone. " You make it about yourself by saying, "I feel this way," and take it away from that other person, and they’re not going to get defensive.

Now, I also want to make sure that I equip you with some phrases that are going to help dampen defensive behavior if you're already in that argument and things are already heated. If you think, "Oh man, I really need to just calm things down for a second," here are some phrases that I want you to use real quick. One of my favorites is beginning your sentence with "I agree.

" Now, listen to me: I'm not saying that you're agreeing with what they said. Instead, you're just agreeing that the discussion needs to be had. Instead of thinking micro, go macro.

So, if somebody's communicating and instead of getting all defensive and arguing with them, I can just say, "I agree that this is worth discussing. " You feel automatically that it’s just going to settle the conversation; it's going to smooth it out. They’re going to lower their voice, lower their tone.

The spikes are going to be less pointy. To say, "Hey, I agree; we need to talk about this," is as simple as that. Begin your sentence with "I agree.

" "I agree that this subject is worth discussing. " You hear how different that is? They're going to feel acknowledged, like, "Okay, this is good; I'm not having to fight.

I don't have to put all my spikes up all the time. " Another phrase that I like to use is "That's helpful to know. " Tell them that they've been helpful, and when somebody feels like they've been helpful, it feels like they're involved in their own mutual understanding that they have helped teach you things.

That's why I also like using the phrase "What I've learned by listening to you right now is. . .

" "I've learned I have some work to do," or "I've learned that this topic is really important to you. " That’s one I’ve used often: "I've learned that this topic is important to you. " I've learned they feel like they've taught something, and it’s going to lower all the walls because now they feel like they're on the same playing field.

They don’t have to continue to pick up their sword and fight and cut and slash to defend their property, defend their own ideas and opinions. Instead, when you use these phrases like, "I agree," "this is worth talking about," or "that’s helpful for me to know," or "I’ve learned that this is important to you," those are all going to quickly put out a lot of fires for you. Okay, now we're at my favorite part of the podcast, and that's to get to read a question from a follower.

Those that are part of my newsletter are able to email me questions, and I'm able to answer them. So if you're not part of my newsletter, where I give a weekly communication tip right to your inbox, you can just find the link there in the show notes, and I'll be happy to have you and answer any questions that you have. I'm also honored to say that this segment of the podcast is sponsored; it's sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth.

I said yes to Cozy Earth because I use their products. Their bed sheets are on my bed, and they are the smoothest, most comfortable sheets I've ever had. I probably have never talked about bed sheets in my life—that's how good they are!

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Go to CozyEarth. com/Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's 40% off your entire order, which I think is pretty awesome of them.

Okay, this is my—um—the follower that I want to bring up. Her name is Rachel. Rachel is in New York.

Rachel says, “Let me pull it up. ” Rachel says, “Hey Jefferson, I love your content. Thanks!

Rachel, I have an issue. I am a manager of a department in the company, and I'm responsible for about 50 people. ” That’s very cool, Rachel!

“But I have one person in particular that anytime I try to give any feedback or criticism, she gets extremely defensive, and it always ends up in some drama or an argument. Any advice and tips would help. Thank you so much!

” Awesome, Rachel! I totally understand, and anybody that’s listening right now that is in a manager or supervisor role, or just responsible for other people, can totally relate to what you’re talking about—where you have that one person that no matter how nice you say it, no matter how much thought you put into what you're trying to say to critique, to give feedback, to help guide them and mold, they’re going to get defensive, and they’re going to get really upset. So here are some tips that I think might help you, Rachel.

Number one, aside from the tips we already talked about, if not beginning with the word "you," and using phrases like, "I agree," "this is something we need to talk about," here are some others I want you to consider. Anytime you use the phrase "need to," alright? This is going to sound familiar to you: has anybody texted you, “Rachel, we need to talk?

” Ever gotten that “we need to talk”? It just totally puts you on the defensive of like, “What are we talking about? ” It’s that fear of the unknown of what’s going to happen.

Or, “You need to listen; you need to sit down. ” You see how also I'm using the word "you"? That’s a problem.

“Need to” is a directive. So when they’re looking for feedback and you go, “Well, you really need to be better about doing X, Y, and Z,” they’re going to feel defensive because some people have a very sensitive barometer to somebody telling them what to do. Even though it’s a job, even though that’s what they’re supposed to be doing, they still don’t like it; they don’t like the feel of it.

So, anytime you begin that sentence with “need to” or “you need to do something,” it’s going to cause problems. So, Rachel, what I want you to do is try to flip it to say, “Can we try to do X, Y, and Z? Can we try to be in a little earlier?

Can we try to better organize X, Y, and Z? ” You see how even though you’re telling them the same exact information, instead of saying, “You need to clean your desk,” it’s “Can we try to keep a cleaner workspace? ” You hear the difference?

When I say “can we,” it says that the rules apply to all of us; it’s not just you. I’m not saying, “You need to do it,” and “Go clean your room,” you know, back to when you were a kid. Instead, it’s “Can we?

” And it’s going to sound like hey, everybody’s under the same set of rules here. Another thing I want you to use is to be careful anytime you use the word "why. " When you begin your sentence with “why,” people don’t like that; it’s like questioning their autonomy.

So even if I just asked you, “Rachel, why’d you do that? ” I’m assuming the first thing you want to say is, “Because I wanted to; that’s why—because I wanted to. ” So instead of beginning it with “why,” just think of how or what.

So instead of “why did you do that? ” ask “what led to this decision? ” or “how did we come to this decision?

” You see how the difference? Instead of "why," you might just tweak it really easily to "how" or "what," and it's going to be a whole lot better. Another thing, Rachel, I think that might also help you with this employee is that anytime you need to be critical of something, try to be critical of the inanimate object—the thing that, um, let's say it's this person's proposal.

Let's say she's working on a proposal, and you need to get some feedback on it. Instead of saying, "Look, you really need to clean up this section here," instead of the "you," which makes it very personal, or even "your proposal," it should be "the proposal. " Make it a third person, separate from her.

Say, "This proposal could benefit from some clarity. " You see, I'm not making it about her; now we're talking together as a team, right? It's the same kind of concept as “can we.

” Now we're talking about the proposal together, and it's going to help minimize that defensive behavior. All right, so try those tips, and I think they're going to work out a lot better for you, Rachel. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast.

If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would leave a review or give a star or any kind of ranking, it would really mean a lot to me. Also, if you listened to this podcast and thought of any other topics you'd like to hear about, just throw them in the comments, and I'll be happy to add them to the list. Okay, on today's episode, it was all about defensiveness.

So we learned that when you're starting to feel defensive, you're going to give it about five seconds, take a big breath, and imagine their words falling to the ground. Then, make the intentional decision, the choice of deciding, "Do I want to pick this up, or do I want to leave it exactly where it fell? " When it comes to keeping other people from getting defensive, we learned all about why using the word "you" to start your response is going to trigger defensiveness and how just switching it to "I" can really cut down on a whole lot of problems.

So you can try all that, and as always, follow me.