healed my shame! became an orb

I need to explain to you what happened to me with words but a language turns us all into gestures 9 months ago I moved from London where I'd lived for almost a decade to Edinburgh and at no point in the process of doing this did I ever feel sure about why I was doing it I knew I had reasons edur is lovely first of all and quiet and walkable and near the mountains and near the sea I think I was trying to force myself to leave and stay out of the relationship I was in that

was really the reason I see now in retrospect the move would let me be alone for an extended period of time for the first time in my life I've lived alone but this was really alone there was no one to answer to no one was really checking in on me there was a feeling that if I leaned into this isolation something thing would be revealed there was a great shape in my peripheral and isolation was the way to identify the shape at first I really thought the shape was a truth about the world that I

wanted to uncover for selfish reasons I thought I would face it by being very clever I thought upon my Discovery people would say oh thank you Savannah for seeing the pattern but while I read and while I went for my many walks and waited for this thing to occur to me I saw when the noise of my life went away all I could think about was my shame my shame wasn't an emotion it wasn't passing weather it was an entire way of being it was this field around me always shame creates a sort of magnifying

bubble over the ego that distorts how you see yourself and how you see reality it's honestly a kind of narcissism where somehow every event links back to the fundamental wrongness of your soul I couldn't think about anything else I had no choice but to investigate the shame I followed the thread into the Labyrinth of my mind and the reality I found there with Freud on one arm and Young on the other gentleman was not that I was a uniquely bad person but that as a child I had suffered and this suffering was directing my life

how much do you want to know buddy I'm not going to spend too long here because it's not really the point there was emotional neglect there was disfunction to be good I needed to suppress sadness and anger and fear and discomfort especially discomfort which I felt almost all of the time I was punished with emotional manipulation or outrage and then silence emotionality was judged and mocked I was of profoundly sensitive temperament Crux of my pain was that I was alone in my vast and confusing emotional world and thought if was bad and that I was

bad for having it because that's what I saw and was told I learned that my natural feelings could damage my relationships I learned love was conditional and dependent on Behavior I moved further and further away from myself I became shame this this is my pain you my friend you will have yours cut to this year and I'm like oh my God I forgot all that [ __ ] happened I knew I hadn't been happy as a kid but it had always been this kind of joke to me and the depths I uncovered or let myself

see were staggering um Freud I was reading a lot of Freud sweet sigment surprisingly funny I believed that my childhood was kind of standard and that people who complain about their child oods are weak and that the acknowledgement of my suffering would disrespect my parents I didn't think I could be traumatized because I hadn't been to war and of course a part of me thought my shame was justified that I was uniquely bad meanwhile during my young adulthood I was purposely entering doomed relationship after doomed relationship to probably forc myself not to think about my

childhood while still invoking it by playing out the dynamics of it now that I could see what had happened I could start to process I now know what processing means I ran around in the memory wearing child's clothes weaving in and out of terrible early 2000s vignettes for the first time in my life I paid attention to how feelings sat in the body there was rage and betrayal and panic and hopelessness I was hard crying at least once a day for like two months was hard crying Midsummer crying it felt very physical at the time

I didn't know what I was doing was processing I thought I was having a mental breakdown I kind of was the way I had been living up until then was not sustainable and needed to be upended it needed to be broken broken down all I can say is I'm very grateful to have had the time and freedom to be able to do this I was only able to see the path in isolation once the noise went away and then it needed everything for me while this was happening it really felt like it would never be

over it didn't feel like a means to an end it felt like I was coming apart simultaneously I was sort of holding this new lens up to my life and so much began to make sense there was a coming apart and then I got to name the pieces my perfectionism my wrecked nervous system my unnamable emotions why I found it so difficult to communicate why I found it so difficult to be myself why being confronted or dismissed or misunderstood felt like being electrocuted why love felt like something that needed to be earned with good behavior

from people who kind of didn't like me why I chose the relationships I did the reflection on my relationships was especially transformative all there really was before this related to them was like squiggly bad feelings I knew I'd been reticent I'd been emotionally immature I'd been cruel I'd been cold and I felt hugely ashamed of how I acted in love to the point where shame hid the diaramas from me I couldn't see what had happened but now with the armor of explicability granted by what I knew about my childhood I could Soldier into the past

and see the complexity of these situations I could see the real ways in which I'd been an actor not just all this happened because my soul is bad but also the ways in which I'd been acted upon I could feel remorse for the girl's actions and the pain she caused while also giving her legibility and the knowledge that in these moments an equal and opposite force was acting upon her I did that all across the timeline integration I wasn't doing this on purpose it's just what happened it felt like the Matrix of my life opened

up to me I was finally learning from my experiences and I finally had empathy for myself the story made sense my soul wasn't rotten my nervous system was cooked dude at some point I became very mad at my parents how could they have done that how could they not have seen what they were doing I really thought I'd be angry with them for forever but in the thought soup where my entire life was playing out of order every day and parts of my body were getting jostled and Zapped like the operation guy and summer was

happening out the window I thought how can I keep this anger it's incompatible with life I thought about my relationships and how I'd hurt people and how the people I hurt could so easily say to me how could you not have seen what you were doing and in truth I couldn't see anything apart from my veil of pain I was only a surviving thing I know I chewed through your chest but I'm a rat and this guy is lighting a fire to my ass that's a reference to a method of torture in which rats I

was being puppeted around by a diseased subconscious and a death wish so frankly were my partners and so were my parents young said until you make the unconscious conscious it'll direct your life and you will call it fate yeah my mom had been a girl I'd say that when my mom had me she was still a girl and in moments I was sadder by what I imagined about her childhood than I was about my own and the anger just pieced apart because whose fault is my shame then her mom is the blame was feudal and

not at all the point nothing else could have happened my pain was a point on a matrix that existed in Dimensions my mind couldn't hold all of us will have been bound to our roles by the circumstances of Our Lives none of our transgressions were or are related to the quality of our souls and in that realization I felt the great shape fall away and then my empathy flexed and settled over everything like snow there was nothing I couldn't understand it was something bigger than forgiveness it was a happy submission to the way of things

I was even grateful to have suffered the way I did because I know it's what led me to write and share myself and I'd feel it all again if it brought me back here I wouldn't want to but I would look maybe early in the process on some Sunny morning in May someone Nam named Savannah Brown took LSD and maybe before she took it she wrote down two trip intentions which would teach me about my shame and help me forget Savannah Brown and maybe once she got up there in between doing other things she Drew

an arrow between her two intentions and wrote a message that said forget her you have to forgive her first and maybe it was a hugely affecting and positive experience that followed her through the next few months of her life like an angel but you can't prove it and maybe she did it a second time but that was different not bad but different I have many thoughts on this topic that will have to come at a later date I briefly not really considered leaving out this information but it is the truth that experience wrenched me out

of the known so violently and unusually that afterwards chain seemed not just possible but like obvious and imminent it wasn't Curative but it grabbed me by the jaw and said hey look at all there is and I said all there is looks pretty good but in my Waking Life I had to keep looking there I'm going to need you to stay with me when I was a teenager I got really into lucid dreaming which is not the hobby of a young person who's enjoying their life getting good at lucid dreaming involves in your Waking Life

doing these kind of reality checks for example um for a lot of people clocks don't look right in dreams so you get into the habit of when you're in a room with a clock you go that clock looks normal so I am away the idea is that These reality checks become so habitual that they follow you into the dream I can't read writing in dreams that's my tell so if I ever find myself spontaneously illiterate I go hang on I'm dreaming and I can get tied up by anyone I want I'm just kidding I bring

this up because this is exactly how it felt to undo the shame I learned the Tells of my shame I was able to do this because I had a story that finally made sense I felt I could trust myself at that point to accurately judge whether or not my observations were informed by shame so if I found myself ruminating on my social self or nitpicking my words or judging other people in a way that determined their Worth or lack of Worth or telling myself I was stupid and weak for communicating I'd say hold on I'm

dreaming and then I'd literally say I am waking up in the dream of my shame I waking up in the dream of my shame I did this hundreds to thousands of times I've done it over the course of filming this video I'll probably be doing it for a while there's a lot to undo but it works because now when the shame comes it's nothing it's a less real reality it's a fantasy it's a piece of dream I control the environment when I first figured out I could rewire myself in this way I could calibrate myself

I I felt like God I enveloped my shame I was now able to look into my mind from a bigger mind I wrote down a bunch of times that I felt like lights had come on I realized I'd been a passenger inside myself an eerie feeling of having been inside Savannah brown but not running the show now I feel like I'm actually occupying my Consciousness though I'm open to more Consciousness I have emotional agency as a Dream came apart I got powers I stopped accepting the discomfort of my body as a feature of existence and

made changes to address it I've been doing light exercise I spoke to my mom and told her how I felt that was really awful but I think because I came to her without anger or blame she was able to hear me and that you know that was everything I told someone how I felt about them which is something I've never felt even a little compelled to do before and you know it doesn't matter what happened after but even that's something I really thought that if I ever had my heart genuinely broken that I would die

um and I didn't die my relationship to you is changed um I hate to tell you but I been secretly harboring animosity towards the audience for years surprise I'm I'm really sorry you need to understand in my mind you'd all fallen for my big trick and you were so silly for it now this is like is like such a gift like I'm laughing because it's insane it's so special to resonate with anyone at all and whatever part of the trip you're on I'm just so happy we found each other here and maybe most importantly I

can see that this horrible burden which was my emotionality and my sensitivity aren't what will keep me from being loved they're what people will love me for because they sit at the core of the most honest me I'm sure a lot of you know this already and that's why you're here often were the last ones to learn things about ourselves but this choice to return feels important to fully accept my nature it needed to be embodied by choice I needed to choose to return to myself this is all kind of related to unmasking as the

shame went so did the mask there mask elements that I didn't even know were there I wasn't even being myself when I was alone the shame fused The Mask onto my face like oh like in the Goosebumps book The Haunted Mask Story related to all this a couple months ago I was at the pub reading mysteriously and there were these two guys next to me having a very animated like happy but important seeming conversation and I wanted to know what they were talking about so bad and I said to myself I was like I could

just ask like I should experiment with this new confidence I have and just ask and I did and they were fine and it was love issues obviously which are always very interesting and we talked for a while and I learned they were English Lit phds at that point whatever mask that was still there went like this was my domain I felt myself consciously choos to to be whatever it is that I was and so I talked and talked and talked and talked like I do um and I don't know if you've ever been talking for

a while and when you're finished talking at the part where someone else is supposed to start talking they just look at you and they blink like they blink like you can hear it like in a cartoon they left pretty soon after sort of without saying goodbye and this is it it doesn't it doesn't matter why that's the point but past me would have been humiliated she would have been like you bothered these people and then drove them away with the way that you are and don't get me wrong I was like a little embarrassed but

I don't know walking home I was like I said exactly what I wanted to and I was exactly what I am and whatever reaction they had to me regardless of why that was their own thing they could have reacted in any way to me the point is I didn't see the situation as tarnished by my influence but as a Confluence of energies all doing various things and in fact I felt for the first time like I hadn't betrayed myself I felt like I hadn't betrayed myself before the Dream came apart I remember and this was

a genuine concern I was afraid that I would Scooby-Doo on mask and there wouldn't be anything under there like a a horror movie Ghost sheet that gets pulled away to reveal a more horrifying absence or it was just dysfunction all the way down hold that thought the passion according to GH is a perfect book that I have no idea how to explain right now it's by Clarice L Spectre in it she writes the mystery of human Destiny is that we are inevitable but we have the freedom to carry out or not our inevitability it depends

on us to carry out our inevitable Destiny while inhuman beings like the roach carry out their own complete cycle without ever aing because they do not choose but it depends on me to freely become whatever I inevitably am I am the Mistress of my inevitability and if I decide not to carry it out I shall remain outside my specifically living nature but if I carry out my neutral and living nucleus then within my species I shall be being specifically human similarly in the haunted m mask RL Stein writes take it off take it off the

fear that there's nothing under the mask is a trick played by shame there is something under there and it's your inevitability it's your neutral and living nucleus what's under there is light I think it's just going to get weirder and weirder and weirder and finally it's going to be so weird that people are going to have to talk about how weird as the shame left I could feel something I was really stumped by this feeling of the bigger mind able to look into the smaller mind the actual experience of learning what I didn't know I

didn't know how my whole life my past shifted I was listening to my body I was paying attention to my dreams my nervous system finally uncarbonated and I felt something the shame was either making room for or was being directly alchemized into something I can only describe as Spirit what is spirit I don't know what Roman rolon in a letter to Freud called the ocean GIC feeling a sensation of Eternity a conscious awareness of your usually unconscious participation in reality a profound feeling of connectedness the sky that holds the weather whatever it is you bet

I've been communing with it I need you to know that I was a militant teenage atheist of real oh my science type that continued into young adulthood this sort of hostility towards the reverence or even humoring of invisible things I understood the world and my relationship to it through this dance I looked down on people for their belief I pied people for their belief I rejoiced in my own cleverness in the face of these beliefs how obvious it all was to me haha what I now know is that firstly I grown up battered and perplexed

by the teachings of Catholicism but deeper was this estrangement from my emotionality as a child and as I grew up I overidentified with the intellect I took on this kind of hard skeptical rational thing but this too was done in shame it was was a fear of emotionality it was a rejection of spirit it itself was a belief but a belief and limitation and I can see so clearly how the ideas I found myself in as a young person to do with disconnect and the absence of meaning resonated with me specifically because of the ways

in which I'd suffered I wasn't picking up on some hard-earned truth about the world that everyone else was too delusional to see I was inside a distortion field created by my suffering my nihilism my anti-natalism even I think my existentialism and not these as Frameworks generally but as I used them to make sense of the world they were in part symptoms they were philosophies my Consciousness was using to try and figure out why it felt so bad I clearly I have no idea where I'll end up I I don't have a clue I can't wait

to make a video in 10 years explaining how I disagree with everything I'm saying in ways I don't even understand yet but once I saw how I'd cast my pain onto the world and remade the world in it I started seeing this everywhere so many people's pain was making their decisions and living their lives and writing their comments people's pain is literally creating their reality but this can be different because once my pain was acknowledged and addressed and alchemized and since I have started to commune with this thing which I'm sure I'll talk to you

about more in time the world which was always beautiful became miraculous it it went florescent with meaning the shape dissolved into fluoresence you might be at a place where all of this sounds very strange I think it's strange to what's even stranger is this is what happened this is what happened and now I'm I'm like happy and excited my curiosity is an engine every day feels like a whole new thing I feel like I can finally start hello Jun is 7 months old now oh oh my gosh this is Joe nark books I really got

to clean that amonite ain't she something the face can be removed the store owner told her speaking softly huh Carly Beth lowered her hands she stared hard at him what did you say I said there is one way the face can be removed it's to subscribe to Savannah Brown's YouTube channel