The Secret of Successful Relationships: Rupture and Repair

many tensions within relationships can usefully be looked at through the prism of a concept much used within psychotherapy the idea of rupture and repair for psychotherapists every relationship is at risk of moments of frustration or as the term has it of rupture when we suffer a loss of trust in another person as someone in whom we can safely deposit our love and whom we believe can be kind and understanding of our needs the ruptures are often quite small and outside observers perhaps imperceptible one person fails to respond warmly to another's greeting someone tries to explain

an idea to their partner who shrugs and says offhandedly that they have no idea what they're on about in front of friends a lover shares an anecdote which casts the partner in a less than flattering light or the rupture can be more serious someone calls someone a stupid fool and slams a door a birthday is forgotten an affair begins the point about ruptures is that they say nothing in themselves about a relationship's prospects of survival there might be constant rather grave ruptures and no breakup or there might be one or two tense moments over a

minor disagreement and then things head towards collapse so what determines the difference is something that psychotherapists are especially keen to teach us about the capacity for what they term repair repair refers to the work needed for two people to regain each other's trust and restore themselves in the other's mind as someone who is essentially decent and sympathetic and can be a good enough interpreter of their needs as psychotherapy points out repair isn't just one capacity among others it is arguably the central determinant of one's mastery of emotional maturity it is what identifies us as true

adults good repair relies on at least four separate skills firstly the ability to apologize a sorry may not be as easy as it sounds for it isn't just a few warm words one has to say the true cost is to one self-love if one's already on the verge of finding oneself somewhat intolerable then the call to concede yet another point to own up to being still more foolish emotionally unbalanced controlling hot tempered or vain can feel like a demand too far we may opt to dig in and avoid a sorry not because we're overly pleased

with ourselves but precisely because our unworthiness feels so painfully obvious to us already and lends us no faith to imagine that any apologies we did make could arouse the kind of forbearance and kindness we crave and yet so badly feel we don't deserve secondly the ability to forgive there can be equal difficulty around being able to accept an apology to do so requires us to extend imaginative sympathy for why good people which includes us can end up doing some pretty bad things not because they are evil but because they are in their varied ways tired

or sad worried or weak a forgiving outlook lends us energy to look around for the most generous reasons why fundamentally decent people can at points behave less than optimally when this kind of forgiveness feels impossible therapists speak of a maneuver of the mind known as splitting a tendency to declare some people to be entirely good and others just are simply entirely awful in dividing humanity like this we protect ourselves from what can feel like the impossible dangers of disappointment or grown-up ambivalence either someone is pure and perfect and we can love them without reserve or

quite suddenly they must be appalling and we can never ever forgive them we cling to rupture because it confirms a story which though deeply sad at one level also feels very safe that big emotional commitments are just too risky that other people can't be trusted that hope is an illusion and that we are basically all alone thirdly the ability to teach behind a rupture there often lies a failed attempt by one person to teach something to another there was something that they were trying to get across when they lost their temper or got into a

sulk maybe something about how to behave around a parent or what to do about sex how to approach child care or handle money and yet the effort went wrong and they forgot all about the art of good teaching an art which relies to a surprising extent on a degree of pessimism about the ability of another person to understand what we want from them good teachers aren't after miraculous outcomes they know how resistant the human mind can be to new ideas they swallow a very large dose of pessimism about successful interpersonal communication in order to stay

calm and in a good mood around some of the inevitable frustrations of relationships they don't shout because they didn't from the outset allow themselves to believe in total symmetries of mind when they're trying to get something across they don't push a point too hard they give the listener time and know about defensiveness and as a fallback accept that they may have to respect two different realities they can in the end bear to accept that they will always be a bit misunderstood even by someone who loves them very much fourthly the ability to learn it can

feel so much easier to get offended with someone than to dare to imagine that they might have something important to tell us we may prefer to get hung up about how they informed us of an idea rather than address the substance of what they're actually trying to convey it isn't easy to have to imagine that we are still beginners in a range of areas they can accept with good grace how flawed they remain the good repairer is ultimately a good learner that is they have a lively and non-humiliating sense of how much they still have

left to take on board it isn't a surprise or a cause for alarm that someone might level a criticism at them it's merely a sign that a kindly soul is invested enough in their development to notice areas of immaturity and in the safety of a relationship to offer them something almost no one otherwise ever bothers with feedback in the japanese tradition of kinsuki broken pots and vases are artfully mended using a gold inflected lacquer and displayed as precious works of art as a way to emphasize the dignity and basic human importance of the art of

repair we should do something of the same with our love stories it is a fine thing to have a relationship without moments of rupture no doubt but it is a finer and more noble achievement still to know how to patch things up repeatedly with those precious strands of emotional gold self-acceptance patience humility courage and a lot of tenderness our online shop has a range of books and gifts that address the most important and often neglected areas of life such as finding a good enough partner and mastering the art of confidence click now to learn more

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