If You Date Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)...Watch This Video

all right so today we're going to talk about how to successfully have a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder so this is something that I've been wanting to talk about for a while there's a lot of resources out there uh for people with borderline personality disorder there are also places like support groups for people who are dating people or in relationships with people with borderline personality disorder but I've worked with a lot of people with BPD and I've worked with a lot of people who've dated people with BPD and the truth of the matter

is that oftentimes BPD is viewed as a red flag and what a lot of people will will get in terms of advice is that hey like your family and friends will tell you if someone has BPD like you should break up with them right because the relationship is such a roller coaster and there are so many red flags and they're so emotionally manipulative and you're like you're not sure what's going on you're dating this person they're like they're getting better and everything seems fine and then you wake up tomorrow and it's like you're back to

square one it can be incredibly incredibly like a wild ride which can be emotionally exhausting and so the the sad truth is that a lot of people will sort of like end up avoiding people with BP D and it sort of makes sense because that can be a very challenging relationship to have and this isn't really enhanced by like media depictions of BPD so if you look at um you know how the media and TV shows and movies will kind of portray people with BPD It's usually the crazy ex-girlfriend and a lot of people out

there will sort of like you know they'll have a crazy ex-girlfriend who was like it was one hell of a roller coaster of a relationship and so this is I think really important because people with BPD actually do get better they can form very very wonderful healthy relationships I've seen that happen over and over again and the truth of the matter is that sometimes we fall in love with someone who has a diagnosable mental illness and I don't think that it's good to just discard that person because they have a mental illness and sometimes having

a mental illness can be really hard on your partner as well as on yourself so what I'd love to do today is talk y'all through a couple of things the first is help you all understand some of the basic 6 of BPD the second is help you understand how some of the core features of borderline personality disorder can manifest within a relationship and the third is some principles that I've seen have sort of led to more successful relationships with people with BPD so let's kind of start with some basic facts so the first thing to

understand about dating someone with BPD is chances are they will get better so the research suggests that 35 percent of people with BPD will actually be in remission at one year so that means that BPD kind of goes away after one year for about 35 percent of people but what about like higher odds so if you look at people with BPD 10 years out 91 percent of them are in remission and they actually hit a 99 remission rate at about 16 years so what that means is that a lot of people will think that if

someone is a crazy ex-girlfriend if they stay with that person that person will remain crazy for their the rest of their lives and this is what you have to put up with for the rest of your life but the truth of the matter is that for the majority of people BPD actually resolves and the way that it resolves is by having oftentimes a stable relationship and so the reason these people get stuck is because there's kind of too much to handle too much of a roller coaster they get dumped and then like the whole cycle

kind of repeats itself they feel more insecure we'll kind of get to that but the first thing that I want to tell you is that if you're in a relationship with someone with BPD or you have BPD that the good news is that actually like you know 99 of people are actually okay after about 16 years and 35 percent of people are better after one year so it kind of you know Paces out that way so the second thing that we have to talk a little bit about is the gender breakdown in BPD so about

75 percent of people who have BPD are women and this is part of the reason why I think they're characterized this way in movies and like TV shows and stuff yeah our media portrayals are usually focused on women and that's there's like some amount of like truth to that right because the majority of people who have BPD happen to be women some recent research is suggesting that the ratio is actually closer to one to one or fifty percent and today what we're going to talk about is some of the examples that I'll use will be

sort of focused on a woman with BPD because that's most of the experience that I've dealt with but there are absolutely cases and we'll touch on these as well where men can have BPD too and those can be really challenging relationships okay so don't give up hope you don't have to dump them we're not saying that you shouldn't dump them if that relationship isn't right for you but I I want to tell y'all first and foremost that having BPD even though it can be a red flag does not mean that it is an insurmountable problem

in a relationship so let's move on to understanding a couple of the core features of BPD the first thing to understand about BPD is that these people have difficulty with emotional regulation so if you look at the brains of people with BPD they actually suffer more than the average human being and how can you say that Dr K like oh my God like isn't all suffering equal how can we compare suffering like everyone is entitled to suffer yes that's true everyone is entitled to suffering we shouldn't compare suffering but you can actually do brain scans

on people with BPD you can actually study their reactions in their brain and what you discover is something that's really interesting so the amount of time that it takes the average person to feel a negative emotion is like let's say somewhere between 5 and 30 seconds people with BPD feel negative emotions more rapidly than people with normal brains they feel those emotions more intensely so they feel worse faster the measurable blood flow to the negative circuits of their brain is actually increased so they literally feel that emotion more intensely than average and this is the

actually most damaging thing in my clinical experience is the amount of time the duration of that negative emotional experience is way longer than average so whereas I may get really upset for like 20 minutes or 30 minutes like after about half an hour I'll kind of cool down whereas if you look at some people with BPD they it will ruin their entire day or that negative emotional experience can last for like 24 hours so this is something that's really important to understand because there's going to be a high amount of emotional activity in their brains

the second thing to understand about BPD is that the way that they feel about themselves is highly tied to the way that they are treated so if you look at the core problem of BPD in my opinion this is kind of my take as a psychiatrist it is a sense of self that is not well developed so what does this kind of mean this means that let's say that I have like an opinion of myself right I believe hey my name is alok I'm like kind of like a decent dude I'm not perfect I'm not

terrible and so as I move through the world I will get feedback right so if someone like yells at me at a grocery store I have this sense of self which is different from the way that I'm treated and so that provides me with resilience if someone calls me a piece of crap I'm not going to believe that because I have an internal sense of self some similarly if someone walks up to me and is like hey you are the greatest thing since sliced bread you are the Messiah you are beautiful you are amazing you

were perfect I'm actually not going to believe that either because I know hey like I'm flawed just like any other human being so the way that I what I think about myself is based on an internal sense of self-worth and so depending on how I'm treated I'll kind of like buffer against the way that people treat me so if you look at when that sense of self-worth is not well developed like teenagers are a really good example of this right so when you're a teenager if everyone starts treating you like crap you are going to

feel like crap and that's normal that's part of the normal developmental process so in the case of BPD the core problem is that their sense of self isn't very well developed so they're not as resilient to other people's changes and so they become hypersensitive to the changes of other people the third really really core feature to understand about BPD people with BPD have a huge fear of Abandonment and there's a very very tight Coral relation between childhood trauma and the development of BPD and chances are the nature of that trauma somehow creates a fear of

Abandonment within the person with BPD okay so now that we understand these three core things difficulties with emotional regulation a very not resilient sense of self and a fear of Abandonment will start to see how these manifest in relationships so if you look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD like you literally look at like how we diagnose BPD one of the core features of the diagnosis is a pattern of intense and unstable relationships so why is this so it kind of comes down to understanding this emotional regulation piece if you look at a normal relationship

it'll be kind of like a bell curve in terms of emotional experiences so most of the emotional experiences that you have with your partner will be like kind of mediocre right like you're like cooking together you're doing dishes maybe you'll get into a little bit of a fight you celebrate your birthday and it's like pretty fun and it's like pretty chill it's like not that wild it's like life is pretty normal with most people the thing is when you're dating someone with BPD those relationships can be more u-shaped so instead of most of the experiences

being emotionally in the middle they're actually emotionally at the extremes and it feels like a real roller coaster because you know the experiences that you're having are like really really wild it's like oh my God on one day like this relationship is intense and it's beautiful it's amazing oh my God we're like so in love and it's like so like oh my God this this person is the one we spent 72 hours together and we didn't spend a minute apart and it was like oh my God it was like all the movies and then when

you leave on Monday morning and you don't answer a text it's like whoa now we're suddenly swinging to the other end of the pendulum what is wrong with you why don't you text me back like I thought we had something real I thought you were the one I thought you meant it when you said you loved me like they'll say all kinds of like really nasty emotionally manipulative toxic stuff right and then you're like oh my God this is terrible and then y'all meet again and then she starts crying and then you feel terrible and

you're crying and then you guys hug and then like you're together again and like you're past it all and you really do love each other and love conquers all and then you know you start to get an erection and then you have makeup sex and it's like oh my God we're back to the other end that's what relationships with BPD can be like it's one hell of a ride right with a very very wild emotional swing so why does this happen it happens because of the difficulty with emotional regulation so what people with BPD do

is when they start to feel abandoned right because you had these three days where y'all were joint at the hip and then you don't text someone back what that person does is they start to feel abandoned as they start to feel abandoned remember they start to suffer more than you do so whereas like fear of Abandonment may hurt you a little bit like it's real really intense for them and lasts for a whole day and then what they start doing is they start engaging in behaviors to kind of bring you back and so then they'll

start texting you really toxic stuff right or it'll like they'll like like bounce between like really toxic and like really sad things that like really pull at your heartstrings they're like apologizing I'm so sorry I'm crying like oh my God like will you ever forgive me and it's like then you feel like an [ __ ] they make you feel guilty so you're like yeah of course I'll forgive you it's okay right and so it's like your emotions become this ping pong ball and why do your emotions become a ping-pong ball because their emotions are

ping pong ball and they're kind of getting bounced all over the place which brings us to the the second thing that's very common in BPD relationships which is the feeling of mixed signals well kind of like a pendulum this kind of comes down to this fear of Abandonment so sometimes what happens when people have BPD is when they're engaged in a relationship you know what's going to happen is like their things are going pretty well and y'all are having lots of fun but in the back of their mind they've been abandoned so much in the

past right because they got abandoned as kids there's like that seat of trauma back there and then they've had so many relationships which were so amazing and how did those emotion relationships always end up the other person always ended up leaving right because like they couldn't deal with the crazy so they left and so each time someone can't deal with the crazy it traumatizes them further increases the fear of Abandonment so now what they know they're going to try to protect themselves and they're going to try to protect you and the way that they're going

to do that is when things are good they're going to start to when is this other shoe going to drop when are things going to go back to the way that they always end up because remember it happened seven times eight times nine times ten times so it's got to happen 11th time right so then what they'll start to do is they'll start to push you away and they'll start to test you right they'll start to say things that will feel a little bit weird it'll feel really emotionally manipulative and all this emotional manipulation by

the way is pretty unconscious so that's like something you got to give them a pass for if you can so they'll start to like do things like oh yeah you know I know that this week has really been fantastic and I know that we're deeply in love but you know I know it won't last we'll say something like that and you'll be like no no no no baby like of course it'll last like no no don't think that like I'll be here for you forever and they'll say no no no you won't you know you're

just saying that today but tomorrow it'll change right no relationships last forever and you're like no baby no no no and so then you reassure them so let's think about what's happening in that moment remember that they have difficulty regulating their own emotions so what they rely on is you to regulate their emotions so you become the mechanism of their emotional equilibrium so if I'm feeling abandoned I'm gonna be a little bit pathetic you won't love me forever and then what do I evoke in you what I evoke in you is no no no baby

I'll be around forever like I love you forever oh my God oh my God you're the one for me and then the fear of Abandonment goes away right that's great you fix the problem it's beautiful and now though something subtle has happened so now you start to Bear the emotional burden of their roller coaster you're not only managing your own roller coaster now they have made you responsible for their roller coaster and you've been a willing recipient and so then what happens is they'll start to push you away right they'll they'll start to they'll say

it the first time you're like yeah baby I love you forever babe and then a week goes by and they're like oh yeah you're gonna break up with me like no I won't and then the month later they're saying it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and it can manifest in other ways too but they start to push you away start to do things that kind of piss you off they start to pick fights and then you're like fine you want me to leave I'll leave and so you

get fed up and you walk the door now all of their fears have become true and so then what they do is they activate a completely different circuit which is reeling you in so now that they are actually being abandoned there's the fear of Abandonment and then there's the actual abandonment and when they start to become abandoned they activate a whole other set of survival mechanisms to pull you back because oh my God now it's happening the sky is falling everything is falling apart engage emergency techniques DEFCON 5 and so now they completely change their

tune I'm so sorry will you ever forgive me I'm such a piece of crap I can't believe I did this to you you deserve so much better than me please tell me anything anything I'll do anything you know I'll do anything to bring you back and by the way my life has been so hard and and you're so perfect and I love you so much right and this is when we get into a third thing that kind of happens we'll actually we'll table that for a second so then what happens is they engage in all

of these behaviors they'll go Full Speed Ahead on whatever they can do to bring you back anything you want anything you want anything you want just come back just come back just come back and so they say I've changed babe I've changed I'll do anything for you and then you come back and now you're here again right so all of those survival mechanisms disappear all those reeling you in mechanisms disappear and now the fear that you're going to abandon them again happens again and then they start pushing you away put pushing you right pushing you

away and so this cycle repeats over and over and over again and people get fed up with it and they're done like honestly like I was talking to one of my patients a couple years ago who's a gamer and they were saying like you know what this feels like is it feels like I'm in a game of Mortal Kombat and I'm fighting against Scorpion and Scorpion's like get over here jerks me in and then uppercuts me all the way back across the screen and as soon as I'm over there it's get over here again and

then jerking me back and so you're getting jerked this way and jerked back that way and it's like it's too much to handle so the third thing that we're going to talk about which kind of relates to this right so once you've gone away they're like I'll do anything you're perfect please please please the third thing that that people with BPD do is something called splitting so splitting is when you take remember it's not the bell curve so most people aren't normal they take that and they shove people to the sides so they idealize some

people and they demonize other people this can cause real problems in treatment situations especially like inpatient situations where they'll idealize the doc after and they'll demonize the nurse they'll treat the nurse like absolute crap the nurse hates me the nurse is pathetic I dislike the nurse and oh my God the doctor is amazing the doctors cured my trauma like you're the best doctor I've ever seen and oh my God I just wish the nurses were a little bit more like you and then as a doctor you're like what do you mean by that they're like

well they're so cruel to me and what they'll try to do is they'll split so they'll idealize some people they'll demonize other people and they can create conflict because now the doctors are getting mad at the nurses right because the doctors are like oh my God the people issues with BPD are like you're so amazing you're so awesome and then you go and you're like hey we need to talk about this patient the way that y'all are treating them it's really inappropriate the way that y'all are not behaving with compassion and then they create conflict

what is that idealization look like in the relationship and now we gotta pause for a second right because when you date people with BPD or when you see these like crazy ex-girlfriends on like TV shows and stuff or crazy ex-boyfriends you gotta ask yourself like and everyone asks themselves right why on Earth are we dating these people right like why would you ever date a crazy chick or a crazy dude and your family members and your friends are like why on Earth are you in this relationship like I don't get it it seems so toxic

it's such a roller coaster and that's because they do not understand what it's like to be idealized because for this person oh my God if you have any iota of insecurity yourself dating someone with BPD is the best thing in the universe this is why people with BPD always end up with narcissists by the way not always but many times statistically there's a correlation there because what happens is they idealize you they're like oh my God for those 72 hours you're so amazing all my previous boyfriends have been so terrible i've been abused so much

I'm so hurt I was thinking about killing myself suicidality is very common but every time I talk to you it makes it go away and oh my God I was so hurt and everyone is terrible and I'm suicidal but the moment that I get that penis everything gets better you may make it all go away a lifelong of trauma just with your dick is just gone and if you were a dude holy crap that is so addicting and what does that look like for the women who are dating men with BPD they're good looking they're

intelligent they're funny they're engaged with you and oh my God they have the sensitive side oh my God they cried in your arms and y'all made love and like until the sun came up and they confessed their trauma to you and they're like I was going to kill myself until I met you and you found this perfect human being this this damaged this broken this traumatized but oh my God you can fix him you can fix him they idealize you holy crap is it addictive and then they demonize you and what's so addictive about that

is like oh my God this relationship is so good 50 of the time and the other 50 of the time it's such a mess and so if you're dating someone in this situation you're like how do I move things in the right direction because if if we can go to 55 60 75 80 90 like then this relationship is working I can make it work because what do they say the second that you're like I'm done with this this is too much this is too crazy all my friends say you're crazy they're like I'll change

baby I'll change for you please give me the D that's all I need right and they're like okay fine and that's what happens right and so what people don't appreciate is that like sure you think people are stupid for dating the crazy person but there's a damn good reason that you're dating that person that's what they don't see and this is where if you look at human behavior it's the random reinforcement schedule which is like if you look at like slots and stuff and gambling right it's like being perfect 50 of the time and being

crap 50 of the time is more likely to engage you than being like mediocre all the time and so this idealization demonization aspect is really hard to deal with because on one day you're God's gifter to this person and you fix everything in their life and on the other day they get angry with you because you're starting to pull away with them and they treat you like absolute crap okay so this I idealization is really important to understand the next thing that we're going to touch on so this is kind of an interesting aspect is

when we talked a little bit about you know they don't have a a strong internal sense of self what that can sometimes look like is people with BPD are really good at playing chameleon and remember that they their own emotional state is kind of like a mirror of what you feel so if you're angry they're angry or if and and one way that that can look and this can be kind of confusing for people is that they will adopt the mannerisms and interests of people around you so sometimes you'll meet someone and it's like wow

I'm into underwater basket weaving and this person is like super into underwater basket weaving I'm into an anime they're into anime like oh my God I found a dude who like loves to like cook like that's amazing like that's pretty cool right so I found a dude who loves to like organize things in glass jars in the pantry like that's wild and so some of the things that can be really confusing is when you first meet this person they can start to become a little bit of a chameleon and kind of like shape themselves to

your interests and then the problem problem is that as the relationship goes on like that's not a genuine interest on their part they were just kind of not really pretending but they were absorbing a piece of your identity is really a better way to put it and then like it becomes kind of frustrating because you kind of feel like a little bit LED on you feel a little bit deceived I don't think the deception is intentional it's just people with PPD are a little bit like a mirror where they like what you see in them

is what they see right so they start to become a little bit of reflection now if you're listening to this you know and and maybe you're a friend or family member said like oh my God like why would you date this person like I may be painting a really bad picture of oh my God clearly you gotta run for the Hills right but no actually you don't need to run for the hills like whether you run for the hills or not is ultimately like your choice and you have to really think about whether you know

don't feel guilty either way but I don't want you to leave them because they have BPD but I don't want you to stay with them because out of guilt my hope is to educate you and if you decide hey I really want to try to build a relationship with this person I want to try to help y'all understand this as best as you you can okay so how do you succeed in a situation like this so the first thing is don't give up okay so like I shared at the very beginning BPD is something that

for the vast majority of people enters remission in a stable relationship is something that can be really really impactful and positive towards that and the other aspect of don't give up is remember it's a roller coaster so what that sort of means is that even if things feel really really really awful if you can kind of be neutral for long enough the awful periods will disappear and even if things feel really really really really amazing that'll kind of like normalize too so in a bizarre way the main reason that I would say don't give up

on people at BPD is because time is actually on your side things will naturally turn return to an equilibrium so like you don't have to react to a particular thing which is the core of the problem right is they have all of these behaviors and we end up reacting to them and then as we react to their behaviors we evoke a whole different set of behaviors all a scorpion and then we end up reacting to those so we're sort of felt like it feels like we're being like yo-yoed back and forth in this relationship so

as best as you can try not to give up and remember that things will return to equilibrium so the second thing that I would strongly strongly recommend is that you do your best to set boundaries with compassion so this is actually really hard but like people with with BPD will interpret meaning in actions that you have that is not what you meant so for example let's say I'm dating someone with BPD they'll text me and I don't answer their text because I'm at work they will feel the reason I'm not texting them is because I

don't like them or I don't love them or I've met someone else these are the kinds of thoughts that go through their head and I know this because I've had tons of patients with BPD and so what I do as a psychiatrist is try to help them understand that okay like you can have that emotional reaction but the way you're reading the situation isn't necessarily and so what we try to do is we try to set boundaries with them hey I may not be able to text you at work but you don't want to do

it in emotionally reactive way and you want to try to do it as compassionately as possible and the whole problem in relationships with BPD is that when we set boundaries there's a lot of negative emotion associated with it I don't know why you constantly text me what do you expect I can't text you all hours a day I have a life and oh that is the worst thing to say because now you have a life and you have a life outside of them and that evokes the fear of Abandonment it's happening again and so it's

this this whole cycle and mess so instead what you want to do is set boundaries but set it with compassion hey I'm sorry that I wasn't able to answer your text the truth of the matter is sometimes when I'm at work I I can't afford to be distracted I'm sorry that that hurts you I recognize that hurts you I'm going to think long and hard about what I can do about that I do really care about you but there are some things that you know I can't do for you and that boundary setting can also

be in relation to like emotional regulation so this is another key thing that we really have to do is you have to start weaning yourself off being the source of their emotional regulation I'm not saying that you can't emotionally support them but as long as their method to manage their own emotions is you you're going to burn out so this is where I would strongly encourage that you encourage them and maybe even with them start to develop alternate emotional regulation skills a great way to manage their emotions outside of your relationship is actually therapy this

is one of the times where I'm not going to say sign them up for coaching you should see a trained therapist because we're talking about a diagnosis okay you can also do things like meditation mindfulness there are all sorts of other emotional regulation techniques like yoga and things like that but they you're going to have to start to they in order for this relationship to survive there must be effort put into emotional regulation that does not rely on you okay so that's really critical the next thing that we're going to talk about is a little

bit weird but this is don't overreact to the highs the biggest mistake that I see a lot of people who have relationships with BPD make is that they hate the lows so we're totally fine getting rid of the lows but we don't want to get rid of the highs right like dude when a woman tells me that the only thing in life that it will will fix all the trauma is my dick that's really addictive right because we're men and like we our self-esteem is based on the performance of our penis or sinus of our

penis or whatever and especially if I have a average sized penis or less than average sized penis like that's going to mean so much to me so one of the key things that I found working with people with BPD and people who are dating BPD is that you can't give in to the highs as well so you need Tranquility from the highs and the lows so if there's something super amazing that you all are about to engage in you need the same amount of restraint which is something that in society we never talk about right

we're all for getting rid of the lows but no one's like hey by the way you should temper your highs you should not not lean into the best parts of your relationship what that's insane but the key thing in BPD is that we don't want to be reactive right we don't want to follow the yoyo when it's on its own we don't ride the roller coaster all the way up because as soon as we go all the way up there's going to be a plunge right so we want to stay as neutral as possible the

next thing that we're going to talk a little bit about is encouraging the dialectic so this is super cool but there's one of the best evidence-based treatments of uh for borderline personality disorder something called dialectical behavioral therapy and this is a comp it's basically cognitive behavioral therapy with some amount of mindfulness and Eastern Concepts mixed in and the way that the therapy was developed is actually super cool too because there was actually a psychologist who had BPD herself and she's been pretty open about this and her experience was that you know treat therapy didn't offer

quite enough and so then she got into mindfulness and she discovered like one key concept from Eastern thinking which in Sanskrit is advait vedanta which then she found like okay this is what's missing from therapy and the cool thing is that this is not an aspect of therapy this is actually an aspect of advaith vedanta in the meditative traditions and everyone should be learning this kind of stuff so what does it mean to encourage the dialectic so remember that people with BPD have very black and white thinking right they split so either you are an

angel or you are a demon there's nothing in between and so in the experience of people with BPD is often that if you're mad at me that means you hate me if you are mad at me that means you don't love me so they tie everything together they cannot sit with the idea that someone is angry with me and loves me at the same time so literally the therapy that we try to engage in is to teach people that hey someone can be mad at you and love you at the same time that someone can

treat you really well and not love you at the same time because the sad truth is that oftentimes people with BPD will wind up in abusive relationships with narcissists and those people will treat them well sometimes but actually not really be invested in them or will take advantage of them so one of the key things that you can do in the relationship is encourage the dialectic and even ask questions like hey if we're having a fight right now what do you think about whether I love you or not if we're findings does that mean that

I can love you at the same time or does that mean that I don't love you that's where you can have like a calm conversation hopefully and you can work at it that hey just because I'm mad doesn't mean that I don't love you just because I don't text you doesn't mean that I dislike you just because you keep on asking me whether I find other women attractive and I one time say yes doesn't mean that I'm Gonna Leave You right there are all kinds of things and encourage that dialectic where both things two conflicting

things can be simultaneously true I can be frustrated with you and love you I can be busy and care about you I can be mad at you and have compassion towards you so that dialectic becomes really important the last thing and this is also really important is to stay stable yourself so I strongly recommend that if you are in a relationship and you really want to make it work which I think is worthwhile right that's why we're making this video this is a video about don't run for the hills because that's what our media tells

us our media tells us hey if you've got a crazy ax leave right and the internet tells you hey if she's crazy Lee tells you hey if he's crazy leave that's what everyone is telling us to do your family your friends but the truth of the matter is that people with borderline personality disorder are human beings and are just as deserving of healthy relationships and love and stability as anyone else the unfortunate thing is chances are they were traumatized at some point in their life which makes it harder for them to successfully do that they

have so many adaptations in survival mechanisms and Mal adaptations that dating them can be really hard and so as you ride that roller coaster try to stay stable yourself so what does that mean that means sometimes seeing a therapist yourself once again goes kind of Beyond coaching if your problem is like hey I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning or I'm trying to figure out what to do with my career like you know whatever if you want to learn how to meditate get Dr case guide whatever but if you're in a relationship

with someone with BPD I'd strongly recommend that you actually see a therapist and so do everything that you can to stay stable yourself because remember their sense of self relates to who you are right they become a mirror so the key thing and this is how relationships help people with BPD is that the more stable you are the more stable they will become so don't give up on them because they're wonderful beautiful human beings and don't fall for the highs or the lows good luck you're gonna need it so one last kind of like quick

disclaimer so a lot of the stuff in this video has been kind of like hyperbolic and I want to share with you all that the actual experience of people with BPD and a lot of these examples are like widely variable right so part of the challenge of trying to educate people on the Internet is that I try to say things that will resonate and connect with people but at the same time I could be playing into an exacerbating stereotypes so from the bottom of my heart if I've offended anyone I'm really sorry I try to

be entertaining and educational but I want all y'all to understand that what we were talking about today was sort of hyperbolic and there's actually a lot of variability with the way that people with BPD will present and manifest foreign