Quando Nós nos Adotamos - Documentário Completo

Older Child Adoption presents [Music] I always say that, very succinctly, I always say: adoption is a way of having children, it is the the way we choose and that’s final. I said no, but I didn't adopt her to be my companion. She's my daughter. I adopted her to be my family. Look, I think the best way for us to think about family, it is to think that they are people who like each other, that they have a bond between them, usually, they had a past together and if they didn't, this past will be retold and

rebuilt, in the case of adoption, and that they will have a present and a future together, a plan to stay united and connected. Adoption, for me, is a way of having children. It is neither greater nor lesser than the biological way, then, it can't be seen as an act of charity, as if I am a special person because I adopted it. No! I think that if I'm going to put it like this, I see Lucas as a special person who accepted me as his father. So, I never... We don't use "I adopted Lucas" but "we

adopted each other." [Music] WHEN WE ADOPT EACH OTHER WHEN WE ADOPT EACH OTHER A heartfelt conversation about building affection in older child adoption My name is Petterson and I have been Lucas' father for 5 years. [PETTERSON - LUCAS' FATHER] I met him through child sponsorship, then I ended up adopting him. So, when the adoption was approved, I came to live with my mom. Today I live with Lucas and my mother, his grandmother. My name is Denise and I've been Felipe and Vitor's mother for [DENISE - FELIPE AND VITOR'S MOTHER] at least five years and a

little bit. [RAFAEL - FELIPE AND VITOR'S FATHER] My name is Rafael, Vitor and Felipe's father. It's just that every day we get together for an afternoon snack and because we always do this, always, so I believe that... I believe that's when we stop and think: oh, it worked! I'm Luciana, Andriele and Luiz's mother [LUCIANA - ANDRIELE AND LUIZ'S MOTHER] since December 9, 2014. [SUZI - ANDRIELE AND LUIZ MOTHER] And I'm Suzi, also Andriele and Luiz's mother. First, it was just "okay, we want to do it!" So, what we need to do? Let's think. And then,

in 2013, came out the decision of the STF (Supreme Federal Court) that allowed same-sex marriage. Not that we needed it to adopt, but it worked more like an incentive, so, now we can not only adopt, but we can adopt as a couple. So, we decided to get married, and at the wedding announce that we had made the decision to adopt. [Music] I'm Lizianne, I'm Pedro's mother, Gabriela [LIZIANNE - PEDRO, GABRIELA AND CAROLINA'S MOTHER] and Carolina's mother. Pedro joined us in 2007. I'm José Alberto, Pedro, Gabriela [JOSÉ ALBERTO - PEDRO, GABRIELA AND CAROLINA'S FATHER] and Carolina's

father. And all this time, 14 years already, that I have been Pedro's parents, It has been great! My name is Juliana Marcon, [JULIANA - BIANCA'S MOTHER] I'm 55 years old, I have been Bianca's mother since 2015. And I think that Bianca already was, in fact, in my life. It was just a matter of meeting each other and I wanted to do it really quickly, because I wanted to live with her soon everything we have lived until now. [Music] We've been together for many years, and, during this time, we went through several phases: having children, not

having children, biological, non-biological... And then, in 2011, we made the decision: "we want to have children and we want to have adopted children!" I've always said that if I didn't get married until I was 40, I would adopt. But, as I reached the age of 40, I had seen the experience of other women raising children alone, and that was an experience I decided I didn't want for myself. So, I won't adopt! Because I won’t put the blame of my overload, of my unhappiness in this child. Then, I let it go and, when I turned 50,

I was able to carry out the project of having this place here, this house, this small farm, which was a life project of mine. I was here one day and it is as if life has brought, again, this call to me. So, we'd been married for 10 years and with the family pressure, the pressure to have a child, "you must have a child"... Then we thought: okay, let's have a child! So, I stopped taking my medication and for three months I didn't get pregnant. For three months... I thought: wow, three months have passed, it's been

a long time and I didn't get pregnant! But things got tense because, in fact, as I didn't really want to get pregnant and I didn't want to tell him and he didn't want me to get pregnant but he didn't want to tell me. And then, at the end of the three months, I came to him and said it: I can't do it anymore, I don't want to. I think God doesn't want me to get pregnant! Three months... Three long months... God doesn't want me to get pregnant... So, I don't want to get pregnant anymore. I

didn't want to! I never did! And then he said to me: okay, so let's to adopt! Wow! We're saved! That's it, it's over! From then on, we no longer touched on the subject of getting pregnant and we started looking into adoption. So, it was two years of child sponsorship, that was 2013, he had seven to eight years back then. So, two years in child sponsorship. I thought that he was about 5 years old because of his size, he was very small, very different from today. [Laughs] And then, he... Two years of child sponsorship in the

meantime, he was removed from his original family and he would be placed up for adoption. But he, being part of a sibling’s group, for his age, as he was already almost 9 years old, he would hardly be adopted at the time. Not anymore, but it was harder back then. So that's when I say that I was promoted, that I went from godfather to being a father. So, I filed for his custody, It took me a year, more or less, to get it, so, in 2015, Lucas became my son and came home definitely. We already had

Gabriela and Carolina. Gabriela was 20 years old and Carolina was 14 when Pedro arrived. However, this decision was made long before, as we stayed for about six years preparing ourselves, reading about adoption. Mostly myself, I read, I showed them, so the girls participated as well. The girls were always up to date with everything that we were reading, about what I was reading, what I was studying adoption. I really like to understand things, so I put a lot of work into it. Because when we start to think about adoption the usual, I believe, is to think

about adopting babies. Then, as I started reading more about adoption, I started to see that first, we already had two girls and we wanted a boy. And then, I started to think that it didn't need to be a baby. So, I started reading more about older child adoption, to better inform myself, to enter the world of adoption. And then, I started to see that we could do an older child adoption. I started thinking about it, I started reading... So, it was a process that took time. [Music] Older child adoption is the term that is most

popularly known [GRAZIELA MILANI - SOCIAL WORKER] like as difficult adoptions. [Childhood and Youth Coordination Office of Rio Grande do Sul (TJRS)] But what kind of adoptions are these? These are adoptions of children and adolescents who have a profile that is different from the profile that most of the qualified adoption applicants want. But what is this different profile? [+ 6 YEARS OLD] Most of them are over 6 years old, [BLACK OR BROWN CHILDREN] are black or brown children, [SIBLINGS GROUPS] they are children who belong to siblings groups [SERIOUS HEALTH ISSUE] and they are children who have

some kind of health problem. So, the term "older child adoption" turns out not encompassing everything it actually refers to, since we are considering, for example, about siblings groups. You can have a group of 2, 4, 6 and 7 year old siblings They are small children, but form a very large group. So, it is not the age range that matters, but number of children in that siblings group. Same thing with their health profile: I can have a child available for adoption who is one year old, but has a complex health condition, or a severe disability and

for this reason, the child ends up not finding applicants in the system who will accept his profile. So, they've tried to call it "necessary adoptions", "difficult adoptions" or "older child adoptions". For me these adoptions, they are all adoptions. But what all of them, all of these profiles have in common is the fact that they did not find any qualified applicants available and compatible with their profile in the system. [Music] When we first sat down and talked about adopting we thought: from zero to 4 years old, which is the normal for everyone. Then, as we started

to research more, we started to better understand the the universe of older child adoption and to better understand what we wanted, because we thought: wait a minute, why don't I want to get pregnant? I don't want to get pregnant because I don't want a baby at home. Because I don't know how to handle a baby at home. So, if I don't want to have a baby at home, why am I going to adopt a baby? For us, all the time, older children would always be most welcome. We knew about the difficulties, we were a little

bit aware about the reality that (statistically) for babies the adoption queues are huge, people wait for years. So, since we never had much of a need to have a baby up to 5 years old, it came up because of the school age, to be able to follow the school from the beginning. But then, reading about the subject, age has become increasingly irrelevant. And when you fill out that form and you have this idea, that you can imagine any child, that she'll come to you. You end up frustrating yourself, because sometimes it is not a child

that exists. Because the children that are in the foster homes are older, belong to siblings group, most of them have some health problem, even if it's mild or varied diagnoses that don't always reflect with reality. And then, when you fill in the form, they let you choose: from zero to 3 years old, healthy, girl, white. And then, what do you say? “Wow, which is very difficult, it's very bureaucratic, no one... The children are there growing up in the foster homes…” They are not! Those children are not in the foster homes! Sometimes it takes two years

just to remove the child from the family but by then, it's already past the profile that you wanted. [Music] [Music] We have an overview, of today, in Brazil, that approximately there's [4,200 CHILDREN ELIGIBLE FOR ADOPTION - DATA: 2022] 4,200 children eligible for adoption. At the same time, we have more than [32,000 QUALIFIED APPLICANTS - DATA: 2022] 32,000 applicants who are qualified to adopt. So, we ask ourselves: why this doesn't add up? Then, we will see the characteristics that the available children and teenagers have and the characteristics that these applicants desire. So, we have two main

reasons to understand why it doesn't add up: the first one is the issue of age. [4,200 CHILDREN ELIGIBLE FOR ADOPTION - DATA: 2022] Of these 4,200 children, [900 CHILDREN UP TO 6 YEARS OLD - DATA: 2022] around 900 will be up to 6 years old. So, we have more than 3,000 that are older than 6 years of age. And when we look the profile that the applicants are looking for, of this whole universe, we will find [32,000 QUALIFIED APPLICANTS - DATA: 2022] more than 20,000, 22,000 applicants [22,000 ADOPTION APPLICANTS UP TO 6 YEARS - DATA:

2022] They want to adopt only young children, up to 6 years old. That's why it doesn't add up. We have many children, who are over 6 years old and the most of these applicants want adopt children under 6 years old. The other issue, which is also a very important point, is the existence of siblings. [4,200 CHILDREN ELIGIBLE FOR ADOPTION - DATA: 2022] Half of these children eligible for adoption [2,100 HAVE A GROUP OF BROTHERS - DATA: 2022] belong to sibling groups, they have siblings. And [32,000 QUALIFIED APPLICANTS - DATA: 2022] of those 32,000 applicants, 20,000

[20,000 DO NOT ACCEPT SIBLING GROUP - DATA: 2022] want to adopt only one child, that is, they do not accept siblings. So, these two reasons are very important for this not to add up. [Music] When we decided that we wanted to be mothers, We realized that we wanted to have children and when they came to our mind, they didn't came with a clear definition. We wanted to have children, if they were small, if they were older, if... we didn't have that very clear. I remember going to campus and reading this book on the cell phone,

a small screen and the book was about the story of five families, that adopted. Very cool! A great literature for who's thinking about adoption. And the video is made by judiciary, showing families that have done older child adoptions. And children who were... Well then it was definitive (Older children who were in shelters.) We saw the video and said: I want all these kids as children. So, that's what really defined it. Defined what we had not yet defined: age. So, when you fill out the application form to qualify you for adoption, you are somehow induced to

make a mistake because at first, your motivation was just to have a child Then you come across a form where you can choose age, race, if it belongs to siblings group and health condition. It makes a movement in your imaginary, and you begin to idealize this child. [GIANA BITTENCOURT FRIZZO - UFRGS INSTITUTE OF PSYCHOGY] And most importantly, to think about: what brings you to this adoption? Do you who really want to be father or a mother? Why is it so important? for the child to have these characteristics? Because if you're going to get pregnant, you're

not going to choose whether your child whether it's a boy or a girl, of any characteristic. There is no such thing! And in adoption, somehow, in Brazil, we have this possibility. And we often question if this really helps and protects the child or if leaves the child in such a limited profile that no child will fill, even that it comes with those characteristics. Each child is unique, it's a box full of surprises and brings things to that father and mother that they also won't be able to limit. So, I would say to think well and

get informed with the families, with the groups in relation to why this profile is important that it be limited like this? What's this saying? Why is it important? [Music] As soon as there's a match, as soon as he's the first applicant in the list of a child available for adoption he will be contacted by phone. Usually by the forum team itself They will say: look, there is a child with the profile you desire. Then begins the process of getting to know the child's story, the child's process. Then we move on to visits, longer visits, outings.

Until the team that is following the process assess that they have bonded. So then, normally, a hearing is scheduled to defer the custody of that child for that applicant. We begin the coexistence stage, which continues with monitoring by the judiciary team and, in the end, if everything is okay, the adoption is then granted. The child changes their documentation, the parents then will become the adopters, as well as the grandparents. The child's last name is changed, completing the adoption process. [Music] Our profile at the end of the qualification process, our profile was from 4 to 9

years old. So, we excluded the exactly the baby from our profile, and they called us within a week. From the moment we had our license ready, which the judge granted, in a week they called us. The social worker said, she was very transparent, she said: we're calling you because the boys have siblings and they are being adopted by families in the south of Brazil. So, we went straight to the families of the south in the registration, because we want them to be close. Do you agree to keep the bond? And we: ok, ok... Let's keep

the bond. We had already studied about it, we already knew how could it be, how would the situation be, so, we didn't object. [Music] In the call that the social worker of the Passo Fundo Forum called me, she asked if we were interested, I said: "look, of course I do!" But I asked if she would have any pictures to send, at least for us to continue the conversation. Because I wanted to get home, talk to the family, tell Lizianne. Then, when she sent the photo, I said: "that's it!" But before that, when you picked me

up, you said, a social worker from Passo Fundo called saying there's a boy for us. He is 6 years and 9 months old and his name is Pedro Fernando and he does birthday on October 10. Then I said, "Oh, it's ours! Pedro Fernando!” Because in my family there are many Fernandos. Because I lost an uncle whose name was Fernando. So, there are a lot of homages with Fernando. and I said: Pedro Fernando! [Laughs] October 10th is his birthday and my birthday is October 14th, so, it's very close. I said: that's a sign, it's ours! [Laughs]

I said, it's ours! And he would say to me like this: don't get too excited, calm down, let's see, at night she will send us a photo, let's wait, let's wait. He didn't want me to be disappointed if it didn't work out. But then, at night, she sent the photo. I remember it was one o'clock in the morning when I remembered to check if the photo had arrived. She had sent the picture at midnight, three photos of Pedro. Then we... when I looked... I looked at them I already got emotional because I fell in love.

Of course, there is no way we can fall in love without meeting each other. So, we soon the next day, it was a Tuesday. On Saturday we went to meet him. [Music] But the first meeting, the first photo I looked at I said like this: they were two children I didn't know, I was looking at those two children and thinking, okay, it's just two kids. I felt nothing but that they were two children. Then, we matured it, and when we went to see them because that was on the first of May, until May 29, we

got to know each other we sent pictures of us, they sent pictures of them, and we started to make a communication... It wasn't even Skype... It was Skype, MSN that we used. WhatsApp didn't exist yet or if there was, we didn't know how to use it, but we started communicating online but we didn't start talking to them yet, but then we started to nurture that feeling that thing more... that people talk about. But the first time I looked at them, I felt absolutely nothing. Today I no longer blame myself, but at first, I blamed myself

a lot. Why didn't I feel that? But in the beginning it was like this... I was seeing two strangers and saying: Oh, okay... Two strangers. Idealization is inevitable, you always will idealize. Even knowing Lucas, myself, I idealized some things, thought of several things that we could do together and then not many happened. And then imagine with a child that you have no idea what it looks like, not even physically, nothing. And what happens: a lot of people, sometimes they simply wait. They keep waiting for this child to come without preparing themselves. And this preparation, what

is it? It's listening to other parents' stories, it is reading about it, it is being around people who have already adopted. So, the support groups have this function, but it's not just them, there's a lot of material out there on the Internet, many things that you can learn and know. Affection is primordial. So being able to establish a relationship of affection... I'm not even using the word love yet, because they are people who are getting to know each other. A very interesting thing, I think, about older child adoption is that they are already people when

they come, to form that family, as I say, they already were two talking beings, with their own opinions, with own feelings and verbalizing them. And then, suddenly, you need to understand how you will deal with all of it. We always joke that there is a glue, sometimes, that happens there that it may not be at first, but at some point, it clicks and those people feel connected. And what facilitates this? I think, maybe, an adjustment in this father's expectation, of this mother, of this adult with this child. And, I think we always have to think

when we are talking, in any relationship between parents and children, that is the adult who adapts to the child. The child, of course, will have his own way, that parents need to get to know, but the adult has to go carefully, knowing that child, curious to know what that child thinks, why does she feel, why does she react like that? I think there has to be a curiosity, a desire to be there together, on the adult part. What we see, for example, in the situation of the return of a child, is that the child is

blamed. But it's the adult who has better conditions, he who is well, he who sought this adoption. So, it is from him that much more commitment must come, wanting to be together, understand what's going on in that child's mind. The child does not go to foster care because everything was fine, something happened that required the application of an extreme measure, that removed the child from her family and placed her in foster care. This is the most exceptional measure because we remove the child from the life with her family and take her either to a foster

care facility or to a foster family. [Music] I think that no mother, spontaneously, wants to break up with her children for good. Here in our country, in most cases, this is due to lack of family resources, social conditions, that put this family in this situation. So, we always try to pass on... The children often accompany us in demonstrations. And why are we at the demonstration? Which is to fight for everyone to have a dignified life, a life with conditions, including raising their own children. So, we always try to give a very positive image, that their

mother didn't do it for lack of love, but for a lack of care for herself, truly. And that we really are thankful, because if if it weren't for her, we wouldn't be mothers. So, that's fundamental. That the four of us are very grateful to these two people for giving us children. [Music] The children who are welcomed into the foster care, They arrive [RITA DE CÁSSIA LIMA KRÁS - LAR ESPERANÇA] because they have suffered some kind of violation of rights provided in the ECA (Child and Adolescent Statute). Types of neglect, neglect of health, neglect of education,

abandonment, domestic violence, abuse, difficulties of the responsibles or chemically dependent parents that can't handle taking care of the children, at that moment. So those are the main reasons that trigger institutional reception. The purpose of the protective measure is to protect and ensure the rights of that child or teenager while the family is reorganizing, accessing some public policy services that until then they didn't have access to. So that they can, then, be able to develop a configuration that is protective of that child and that allows the return of that child or teenager to their family. So,

it is a measure that is supposed to be transitory. It's not something that's going to last, that's going to be... So much so that the statute itself will determine that the reception will take a maximum of one year and six months. So, it shouldn't be more than 18 months, unless you have a situation that is actually justifiable. So, within the universe of institutional reception, there will have, then, a portion of the children and teenagers in which the family effectively will not be able to develop there the conditions that effectively that child needs to be protected,

to have access to healthy development, these reasons, they are innumerable, it is also important that we do not blame these families. There is a phrase, which is a reference for me, from nonviolent communication, that says: every situation of violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs. So, if that family couldn't protect and that led to the violation that child's rights, this happen because the family also didn't have some of their needs properly met by our protection system, by the state, by public policy. So, in these cases, the child or the teenager ends up being removed

from his family. And then, it's this portion of children and teenagers, who are effectively unable to return to their families of origin, when this return was not possible, that become eligible for adoption. We see a lot of people, mainly, when they come to us, they say: "what a joy it is for them! How lucky they were! How grateful they must be!" And I read was exactly this: no child should need to go through the adoption process. She doesn't ask to be adopted. For her, she preferred to be with her original family. So, she doesn't have

to be thanking you at all. She will thank you all her life, for giving your motherly care, on a daily basis, but it is not because of the adoption process. When the person understands that adoption is a way to have children. Great! But a lot of people confuse it with charity. Why? Because that's what's in the media, there is a lot of visibility, you see a beautiful child. Who doesn't fall in love with a beautiful child? A likeable child? Okay, I want to have this one. I want this kid to be my child. Only they're

not like that, they're not like that. They're not! They're teenagers, they're annoying, they have wishes, they have griefs, they have a lot of issues that we aren't able to provide help and we need to understand that we can't provide help we can only understand when we have the idea that it's a child. A child is a constant struggle for us to try to be better every day. Adoption cannot be a mean of you simply compensate some flaw or something, a health problem, that you can't have children. So, I'm going to adopt, just for that! It

is the last alternative. Adoption isn't You can't understand adoption as a second-class affiliation. We come from this kind of thinking. And, even the adoption campaigns that often happen, they are videos of 5 minutes maximum with a song in the background. and children last more than 5 minutes, and there is no music in the background. This is what we must to be aware of. When the child returns to the family or goes to a surrogate family for adoption, the child experiences another rupture with her space. she's going to have to establish it again, she's going to

have to build her history, There is the illusion that the child has no history, as if she does not have a past and does not have a present. Sometimes we come here and think it's as if the child is here waiting for someone to come and rescue her, as if someone is coming to take her away from here, and it's not true. First, this child has a past even babies have a history, they have a past and they also have a present, they also has a life, they also establish bonds with the space where they

are, they establish a bond with the school, they establish a bond with the people that they live with. So, when she also has to leave here, it's also a rupture and sometimes when you have this idea: but why? Why can't we take the child tomorrow? we only met today? We're here and she has a family now? Because the child also needs to work through her grief, she also needs to say goodbye. Because she's not here just waiting, she's here living. So, I think it's one of the main difficulties we encounter and that people find too.

While you have this idea that they're being saved, you also bring along the idea that: if I saved the child, she must be grateful as well. And we know that this is one of the main difficulties at the beginning of a mutual relationship. The preparation periods it was long, it was these eight months we had to prepare, so we read a lot, but although we read a lot, we were not yet prepared to everything that could happen. In those 15 days we were in adaptation, We're very involved in Minas Gerais, We're very scared, very worried,

with a lot of questions, and even then, they had several situations. Vitor threw... He didn't want to eat... And then he... And I said: "no, you're going to eat!" and he said: "no, I won't!” Then he threw the whole plate of food on the floor. So, we had some problems, they threw stones at me, at the beginning Felipe already threw stones at me, he didn't want to come near me, they hit each other, there was a fight... So, in those 15 days it was already very intense (it was intense!) we already had, like, an idea

of what would be next, but as we were very involved and with all... Everything went smoothly. Everything went smoothly. Bur only when we got here that it started to get tense, because, I think, we were already alone, there was no longer a social worker, a psychologist who was right at our side, together all the time, as we had back there, so we started to see ourselves alone, in addition to the fact that we also find it difficult to complain to our family of what's going on with the kids, because they say: “oh, but you didn't

want them? Then why are you complaining?" So, this is also very difficult. I always say that we prepare, prepare, prepare, prepare... To know afterwards that you don't really know anything. [Laughs] When I talk about the preparation, it has more to do with having an open heart, that a lot of hard things are going to happen. And she’d come home not knowing how to do her homework, not understanding anything, angry, nervous and I don't like to teach, that's why I didn't want to be a teacher. So, I didn't have the patience either. Then I went to

the school and asked: what should I do? So, I wondered how I was going to manage her learning difficulties while working, how would I get her to the doctor's appointments? She used to get very angry, very nervous. She... She used to be aggressive, so all those emotions got mixed up, the emotions of the adjustment period, as well as the fear caused by learning disabilities. So, I took her to a speech therapist because she had a little stutter, I took her to a psychiatrist to check for learning disabilities, which I had thought was the problem at

the time And so it went, plus two days a week of tutoring. and she still didn't pass. Then, we had to talk, at the end of the year, she got frustrated, then I explained... And I cried in the school when I got the news, not that I had a problem with it, but it was because of her, I imagined that it would be very painful for her. My surprise was, when I went to pick her up at school, she had the school report. The secretary said: she was sad, she was even crying. I took it,

and she came and got in the car crying, As I took the school report it came to me an inspiration, and I took her school report and I said, Bi, my love, You passed in everything here, even in math, which is hard, you passed, you just didn't pass in language. So, this is quite important. next year you will improve in language, you will study hard and we will win together. And she heard that and said: "okay, mom, okay... it's over". [Music] If the judicial process said that this child lives... Lucas lived in Porto Alegre, I

lived in Gravataí, he came from Porto Alegre to Gravataí in September. How am I going to expect him to... He changed city, family and school, entered high school in September, and then I don't want him to repeat the year?! Oh please! So, we have to choose the battles we want to fight, so is the discipline, but there are some things that if he repeats the year, have patience, there's next year, then you will demand, but give him time. There are very specific issues faced by someone in the adoption universe, somebody that's either preparing to adopt

or has already adopted, that are very specific to people in the process and to seek help before, during, and after is essential, precisely because of these issues. Why? Because no matter how much you are prepared to receive a baby, that the baby will not have much demand, the demand is all physical, Not really! Because there will always be a kind of grief in that child, of what happened, no matter how much the child is well-resolved, we know that at some point she will ask herself “why? What happened?” And then, you need to be prepared both

to answer, as well as to assist, as well as help locate biological family, if necessary And these are things that hurt us, I'm the mother, how am I going to look for another mother? These are things that we ask ourselves and that if we have support, if we have a support group with people we can to talk to, that already makes the situation different, so... Having a support group is essential because you have people you can talk to about what you're going through. So, support is always important! Before and after adoption. After the child arrives,

support is still needed. You also need to feel supported, exchange ideas, see other people's experiences, (Especially!) So that you do not have to say: Why am I going through this? Then, you will realize that other families go through the same or worse of the situations in function of what is having an adopted child in the home. Because of adaptation, and all of the challenges. And, the person, if he did not prepare... I recognize, there were moments, right at the beginning, that said, "Man, what did I do?" But she was very calm, because she prepared. After

I started reading, because she forced me to: Look at this here, read this here, see that it really is like that. Then you understand, then in the groups... You know? You start to understand and see that this is a process which will pass. From that moment that I I started in a new school the conflicts started both at school and at home. [PEDRO CENCI - JOSÉ ALBERTO AND LIZIANNE'S SON] So, there was the question of boundaries, which is normal, we always have it at home. So, until I understood this, and also take this education, those

boundaries to school were kind of tricky. A lot of times, I think during that first year, half of the year, that I went to school, almost every day I would fight someone, hit them. I think a lot of it was caused by fear, fear that I had, so, several aggressions, we still have the school diary of the first, second and third years. There was a day when I hit four students, four classmates, so, it was my way of defense, but it's not normal. It's not normal. Of course, the school understood, they talked about it, from

what my family tells me, but I had these reactions, aggressions and at home as well. And several times, several times I ended up fighting with my mother, who spent more time with me let's say, she accompanied me at bedtime. So, we always had a ritual of singing a song, then say a prayer, then sleep. But often, it didn't happen like that. We ended up fighting, I even hit her, that she had to hold me, anyway, so, I had this fury. And in the end, even I don't know why I did it, in fact, I don't

know why I reacted like that, I knew it wasn't cool, but I still ended up acting like that. I had no reason, really, to act like that. [Music] So, Pedro's reaction when he got upset upset, for any reason really, any little reason, was to be aggressive. So, he hit, sometimes I had to hold him, hug him, put his legs in the middle of mine legs, hugged and calmed him. Because otherwise he would be very angry and hit. So, he was aggressive. That was his reaction when he was contradicted. Even at school, but not that he

hit the teacher, but he was aggressive with his colleagues, Every little thing he disagreed with, that was the way he dealt with it. So not every kid does that, but I was prepared, we were, and we knew that that was part of the adaptation, That was how he would react when things didn't go his way. And also, a way to test us. “I'm going to do my worst… Won't they return me?" Because what the child does in the adaptation, he needs to make sure that he's loved. So, he will have reactions, sometimes, each child is

unique, in a different way. But he was like this: he reacted by hitting, he wanted to hit. Maybe, because he lived a long time on the street, so, it was the way he defended himself. He was like a cornered little animal, defending himself by hitting. And as we were well prepared, we understood, not that it was easy. It wasn’t easy. I felt a lot of love, so I could see that I had someone who paid attention to me, they were by my side, who was my support. And little by little, I kind of got it,

that these people had a different feeling for me and it ended up happening, we got closer, creating bonds. As we knew that this was part of the adaptation, that the child reacts, that the child is testing the parents. So that's why preparation is so important, that we know this, not that it's easier, but at least we understand what's going on. We acquired the awareness that the child comes with his own story, with his own way of being and will insert himself in our history and will build a story with us. But that takes time. Just

as we are adapting to him, the child, much more, is adapting to everything new. So, we have to understand, and be patient, and wait. It's the child's time, so we have to give the child time build with us, as a new family, to build himself as a new person together with us. We build the bond with her, over time too, we don't fall in love right away, of course, we see the picture and we fall in love. We fell in love seeing his photo, but it's a love for the photo. We will get to know

this child by living together and he will get to know us by living together as well. So, the bond is built on a daily basis. I won't suddenly go: oh, I fell in love! And that's it, it's my son, I will feel that love forever. Parents also tend to think that the misbehavior is the child's faut, and they can't look at themselves, that sometimes, the child didn't even misbehave that day, but you're tired, you're less patient and deposits in the child something that is not hers, a bad behavior that is absolutely banal. So, I think

these are myths that are prevalent. The child needs to know her story, give voice, give words to what she's feeling, be able to understand what happened. And who will be able to help this child do these things are the adults, these are the ones who take care, It is us, the professionals, the social workers, the people with whom the children live. And also, when she arrives in a foster family, understand, of course, within the child's time, and help that child to be able to rescue her own story. Because how can a child who can't understand

what happened to her, can think about her future? This directly influences how she will relate with other people, how is she going to plan for her future, during learning, the internal process of knowing her story will enable her to build her future. So, this very is important, it's painful, but with the help of professionals, with care, with the possibility of giving space for this child to express what she understood from her story and be able to also give her resources, so, she can elaborate on what happened. Felipe, who is the oldest, he always had difficulty

with me. He is very friendly, he is extremely extroverted with everyone, but he wouldn't come near me, he wouldn't hug me. He hugged the whole neighborhood, but he didn't hug me. He talked to everyone, but he had a certain resistance to me. And we fought a lot, fought a lot, and still fight a lot, but now he's a teenager, now it's all right. So, we fought and there was a day when I arrived like this: "Hey man, what’s going on? What have I done to you that you don't hug me? Or come in my lap?

What's happening?" And then he said back to me: "But mom doesn't hug, mom doesn't give lap." And then I get it: of course! I'm his mother! This is the view he has of his mother so, in fact, he had to learn to be a son and I had to learn to be a mother. And then, we started to change the our way of living together. [Music] When it's transparent, when it's not a hidden thing, which is veiled, which is: "oh no, don't go, don't say it, don't say this, don't say that..." You end up with

prejudice within your own family. I felt it, even when I was older, I felt it with other people, sometimes you go to a store to buy a gift We're all there, and there's an attendant with them and another attendant with me. And they can see we're together, we look good, And they say, "What do you want?" "No, I'm with them." "Oh okay, okay..." You, see? So, it's a kind of prejudice from other people yes, I have, I've felt it sometimes. But in the family, so I never felt anything. Most of the comments, which are not

very appropriate, are due to the lack of access to another point of view. So, in cases where people did some not very appropriate comments, I soon, right there, deconstructed that concept and put the right in place. So, we also have to train ourselves To do that, it's necessary. People say, but I'm going to adopt an older child, it comes full of problems, full of addictions, She won't want to... I won't be able to create her as I want, educate her as I want. This is a lie! That's a myth! Is this a stereotype that people

have created because of some experiences that have not been very successful, that people had, according to their own profile. And in the old days, people sometimes tried to explain the failure of older child adoptions by blaming the child. And not in their own inability to take care of them. Society has this idea that when a child, or especially a teenager is in foster care, what have they done? Especially at school, sometimes in the environments where they circulate. What is the reason they are in foster care? And this is reflected in the child's or teenager's own

perception. We notice the guilt that they are carrying, the children, I think in teenagers even more, because they can verbalize, but also in children. So, the child might believe he went into foster care because he wasn't a good son, because he was on the street, because... because he didn't go to school, because he ran away from school. So sometimes they reverse that role, that it wasn't the adult who didn't take care of them, but that they did something to deserve to be here. But aren't you afraid? And that's before you adopt! And even now and

then, Adri is now in her teens, so, all that revolt phase and you notice that sometimes the person reacts and which is not a normal reaction of a teenager, there is already a fear behind it, for being an adopted daughter, so, in addition to being a teenager, there's adoption, so it won't work. she will kill you, she will dismember you, so, it's well masked, people don't say that out loud, but we realize that it exists. People care deeply about their family of origin that they... "I'm very afraid he'll inherit the bad nature, or the bad

blood of his family, of his mother.” And then you think: there are studies on epigenetics and other areas that say it's really the environment will define you, It is the environment you live in that makes you who you are. That's why there are these projects and child sponsorships, to get these kids out and bring them new references. So, what concerns me today, it isn't genetics, “He'll be just like his mother…” No! What worries me about children today are these parents out there. Because I always say this, that the drug problem is a health problem. We

must understand this: the drug problem is a health problem. Racism for me is character, and that we can... And then the responsibility is ours, we're adopting. Regarding Bianca, I never felt prejudice against her, you know? “Oh, she is adopted!” I said, "No! She was adopted, now she is my daughter." Another classic: are they siblings? My God! Are they really siblings? They are! They are my children, therefore, they are siblings and that's it. And then, depending on the situation and, didactically, that old story, maybe, because we are teachers, I overcame this barrier, because we have barriers

too. So, many times, I said: yes, they are siblings, yes they are siblings. Until the day that I went: yes, they are siblings because they are my children! And today, I think I won a barrier of, didactically, say to the people that make me this question, that it is a question that's not cool to ask, because children of the same person are always siblings. So, "Ah, but..." Well, that's it. It's still not a thing that, well, the school don’t how to deal with it, it's something that parents have to help the schools with. and, precisely,

read in order to take it to the school, "look, you have to do this, you have to do that, so..." And when there's homework that you... The child comes and asks for your help: mom, I have to do my family tree! [Laughs] Ah... okay!?... let's go... that's when ask yourself: what do teachers mean when they ask for this? Is it, in fact, to build something that represents biological bonds? Or... Of course, then, let's go! That's your grandfather, that's your grandmother, but they are ours, if we're speaking about blood ties, that comes from us. But there

comes the family tree figure: it's mother and father... There's that, too. And where is mother and mother? It doesn't exist. Adri right now in eighth grade, she will have a discipline that is about things in life, and she's already like this: mom, I didn't like one question. And I said: what's the question? How did your parents choose your name? I had a friend of mine who asked: Gabi, is that your brother over there? Then, I said: oh, yeah... There is my brother, there my mother... But is he your real brother? I said, he's real. and

I continued to speak, He is real! No, is him fake? [Laughs] Is he your real brother? Yeah, he's real! [Laughs] and I continued, because it doesn't make any sense I explain: no, I'm going to sit here and I'm going to tell you the story. No, he's real, truly real. I answered the question. What do you want to know? Be objective: do you want to ask me the way he came? I will say to you that he was born from another mother. [Laughs] But that he's real, he's real! And whenever we can, when there is a

chance to talk about, to publicize older child adoption, to break these myths about the difficulties, that the child already comes with problems, so, whenever we can we say: look, they are children and if there is one thing that makes us feel very calm, since we, I don't think we will, we will never be able to experience being a biological mother. (No, we won't) But every time we sit with a mother’s group and we discuss the problems, There is no difference, we have the same problems, the same tantrums, the dissatisfaction with life, the "I want more",

the "I do not have enough"... So, it even draws our attention because at some point, we stop and think: perhaps, given their history they will behave differently, but no! They are still two kids, upper middle-class daughters with all the problems of the children who grew up in that environment. So, they whine, they throw tantrums, there's no difference. Older child adoption, it is an adoption that has specificities, requirements for the child's parents, they have a greater degree of responsibility and emotional maturity. The older child adoption works if those parents are prepared to exercise authority as well

to set boundaries, positive boundaries. Because, of course, there's the feeling: poor thing, he never had that. Okay, but he has! So, it's not because he's never eaten this before that he's going to eat a package now That's right, then, well, now he can, anyway, we can give the whole package, but we never give the whole package. But anyway, because the we don't think that's good for any child, regardless... [LUIZ - SUZI AND LUCIANA'S SON] Something people have asked me before, once, I think: what is it like having two mothers? I said: it's just like having

a mother and a father. It's just the same. [ANDRIELE - SUZI AND LUCIANA'S DAUGHTER] And, it really is the same. [Laughs] Caring for someone who has been in need of care for some time, it's, I would say, something that the return is limitless. And if you feel with this capacity, thinking: well, I am open to love someone. Wow, that's some meeting. The older child, it brings us this feeling that she has been accumulating, be it for a little or for a long time, which is this urge to: wow, now I have a family! Suddenly, now

someone might even like me. She'll do anything to make you dislike her, the tests will come, because she has already... That child has already suffered. She, of course, she already has that suspicion: Will they really like me? But she's much more open to being loved. In fact, I have no doubt about it. So, if we can exercise this ability to develop this love, this affection, I highly advise older child adoption. I think it's so... Well, it's wonderful, it's wonderful indeed! [FELIPE - DENISE AND RAFAEL'S SON] The best part of the day, the part I like

the most, is the time when I come back from school. I think, for sure, the time of day that I like the most [VITOR - DENISE AND RAFAEL'S SON] is when my parents come back home. [Kiss] Yes, because then you can have your afternoon snack. [Laughs] [Music] I think it's all worth it, I don't have much more to say, I think everything, every second, every minute is worth it, every moment that we, before leaving for work, go there, take a look at their room, give them a kiss, and say "see you later", when it's time

to put them to bed, to get up at night to check if they are really asleep, to make sure they're not getting cold or too hot, everything is worth it. Every moment is worth it. Even when they're fighting it's worth it. But what do we have to understand? How willing I'm to transform myself. Because there are too many concessions, so first I have to get to know myself to adopt, first I have to know myself. And only then to meet or adopt a child. So, we have to do all of this, a homework assignment before

of getting to know ourself. And really... Because there are people who, sometimes, are not even fit to have a plant in their home. Because, sometimes, it doesn't fit into his routine. So, get to know yourself and then research the legal options for adoption. And the legal options that exist are through the Juvenile Childhood Court, That’s the right way. And the support groups, information, so, look for information and see if it is a good fit for you. If it is not adoption, there is child sponsorship, there are other ways. If it's charity, you can help many

organizations in need. So, there are ways to do it! So first you must get to know and to understand yourself. If you want to have children, adoption is a legitimate way and wonderful, and I may be a little biased to talk about it. [Laughs] It's wonderful, but difficult! I often say that it's a good kind of hard So, it's a pleasurable difficulty, I think that's what having kids is. I don't have a biological child, so I don’t see the difference. But allow yourself, open your heart and go get information. And if it's not, if it's

not for you, okay! That's fine! That's beautiful and wonderful. We can't be people who are prejudiced against adoption. But not everyone needs to have children and not everyone needs to have adopted children, But let's not undermine those who do. [Laughs] I help grandma, actually. [LUCAS - PETTERSON'S SON] Sometimes when I need to go to the doctor, she takes me. If she has to go, sometimes I go with her. Sometimes I stay and take care of the house. We always take care of each other. [Music] She and I walk the world. We set ourselves free in

this world. I want to tell you that I love you so much, you have changed my life, so, everything I am today, Elo and the things that happened afterwards, it was all because of you and I'm grateful to you for that. I love you! Love you too! [Kisses] We enjoy cooking together We prepared tomato sauce the other day, quite a lot, and in quantity, and she helps me: mom what do you need? She is very willing to help. So, I'm teaching her how to do it. [BIANCA - JULIANA'S DAUGHTER] We make steak, rice, french fries.

We get a lot more than we give! We get a lot more than we give! [Music] I'm a much better person now, with Bia. [Music] It's worth going through the adoption process, it's worth the wait, the end of adaptation, It's worth the struggles, is worth the therapy, it's worth the rushes, the readings, it's worth... Help me! Mom's crying a lot! [Laughs] It's just that I got emotional because it's nice to see that it worked! We see so many cases that don't work out, that people don't prepare themselves, people don't take it seriously the adoption. And

we know that it's possible, and that it's worth it, that we have our family and we are happy with this family that we have created, so, it's really worth it! [Music] I would say that, if you don't want to have a baby because you're too young, adopt a child older than 10 years or older, because normally when they are 15 or 16 years old, they've already lost the habit, "Oh, no one else is going to adopt me." So, it's cool to give them a little more hope. [Music]