Stand-up Comedy performance by Naveed Mahbub | Naveed Mahbub | TEDxGulshan

[Music] thank thank you very much it's my great pleasure to be here and oh I have a lot of time because the clock is oh there we go so I actually had the pleasure of being a TEDx speaker many many years ago before many of you were born probably but I'm here to lighten up the spirits so in other words there won't be any tea this is your tea but I've got my daughter's here let's give her a huge round of applause my my job is to embarrass her I know she's gonna yell at me

Oh Baba why you're embarrassing me I actually have three kids does anybody here have kids that you know of okay I've got three kids and my oldest is there she's in grade eight and my youngest is in diapers right now and my Japanese friend he also has three kids and this is how he's plays Navid I have triplets this is called Japanese efficiency true but I believe it or not I never wanted to have kids and we were married my wife Zara is here you'll be listening to her shortly in fact my whole family's here

my grandmother is there I'm just kidding so they we were married for seven years and we rather I decided that we'd rather they have kids and we were living in the US so there was at least not that much pressure from the family because for seven years if you don't have kids there is a lot of conspiracy theory okay so we were a little bit insulated from that but anyways I'm sure a lot of theories what Naveed was something you know all these theories are going around and then like everybody to compete with the Jones

what we did we got ourselves a cat okay everybody in the u.s. they have a pet okay in Bangladesh we don't have a pet we are really cruel to animals you know we see a dog we kick a dog that's that's how cruel we are in fact I remember I had a friend when I was in university he he got jilted by a girl called something I'm not gonna say the name and then he got a dog and he named that dog that the name of that girl and he used to kick her every day

that's how cruel we are to animals okay I'll tell you right now we are so cruel to animals but anyways in the West it's quite the opposite you know they have a whole aisle in a supermarket for just cats okay if I were good go there I say you know what I can feed my whole village with all this cat food so anyway we got ourselves a cat I'm really obsessed with the cat and the cats cats do not really care about anybody else you know how cat was really absolutely very angry with us because

he used to go out walk around in the neighborhood with other cats and I'm sure the other cats used to give him a hard time because he used to smell of curry we used to make masala curry and the cat you know he still like each other all the time because all the cats in the neighborhood versus her they see cat this cat or something but I was obsessed with the cat and then I tell my wife Zara Zara if a cat gives us this much joy I wonder what I couldn't even finish my sentence

honey you're ready next thing we have a baby okay and that's my baby over there embarrassing continuing to embarrass him [Applause] and so I am so obsessed with this baby we have and I used to work at Qualcomm in San Diego California at that time and the day she turned one I quit my job I kid you not I quit my job to stay home so my wife goes to Berkeley and people said wow what a nice husband I said no this is called strategic planning she goes to Berkeley she can make a lot of

money so I can do comedy and so what happened is that I stay home and I look after the look after the baby she goes to Berkeley and she's so close to me then when my wife comes home my wife wants to pick up the baby and see my daughter was in Oh you go away and he was an emo Haram I had you inside me for nine months and now you don't even recognize me and then she and they used to get into a fight my one-year-old two-year-old daughter and my wife you know for

me this was a great fantasy coming to two women fighting over me and then my wife was tell her he's my husband and my daughter who said no he's my husband so anyway that's how close she was with me and my wife was really depressed and you know my daughter is growing up and I tell you one thing children are very smart children are very smart you can never win an argument with them and don't even try she wants an iPhone so why cost my friend Jay has an iPhone I need an iPhone I say

hey Jay goes and jumps into the river will you jump into the river nah Baba I'll take his iPhone smart absolutely smart he's growing up you know I take her on trips having a blast of a time and then now she's getting older and older and then now she's a teenager okay she's gonna kill me absolutely she's sitting over there but her friends want to adopt me or rather my friends her friends want me to adopt her I've messed it up you know what I'm talking about so so now she's a teenager and then this

video goes viral and many of you may have seen it this father in the United States he goes to pick up his son who's graduating from high school and he's like the big popular guy among everybody and he goes to the high school to pick up his son wearing just a speedo swimming trunk nothing else just picture this and the boy was so embarrassed and everything and my daughter looked at me she knows I am perfectly capable of doing this she says Baba don't you dare do this at my school I said honey I will

never do this I will not even have that speedo on that's how much of an embarrassment I am a first and then you know after I have to go to our parent teachers meeting and over here in this country parent-teacher meeting is not trilateral is bilateral so it's me and the teacher over there and the music teacher is there I'm sitting with all the other parents and then the teacher is telling the parents you're your child is very good needs to practice a little bit more another teacher parents ups he is good he is good

he needs to practice a little bond I said wait a second she's telling the same thing to everybody and then it's for my turn she said are your tongue I said hang on a second I take my wallet out take my daughter's foot rod I say ma'am this is my daughter in case you don't recognize her now please tell me about her feedback and all the parents thought I was crazy but basically what happened was that the portage this is one teacher in the whole school she have to teach like 3,000 students she can't remember

everybody's faces but I am like a comedian father brutally honest I said now you have to tell me what's going on and when I tell her she was going to murder me Baba I'm not going to go to this school you are such a source of embarrassment but then what happens is that as a parent of a teenager you are under this pressure it was at least in Bangladesh that you have to get a good grades and so forth and then she comes home she gets a C in one subject not in everything and she's

scared and I look at my wife Zara Zara looks at me I said - let's go for dinner you gotta get one see to appreciate your a I'm a bad parent but then again we give in you know as a parent in this country you have to get a private tutor so we finally get her a private tutor a basketball codes that's right we want her to play in the Nationals that's why she's gonna go get her basketball coach anyway enough about her so now we have another daughter who's 6 years old who's rather 8

years old and I tell you the number 2 is always a very feisty one okay she's a very feisty one so I take her this to the bird park rather the zoo and then she is really obsessed with peacocks so she's looking at the peacock she's a Baba you know she's so beautiful I should know that's a he's a peacock is he so why I said well the peacock has this beautiful tail so that he can attract the peahen they can fall in love they'll get married they love children after in their own Kingdom okay

fine and so we were walking around and then there's this lady who asked me to directions to the exit I said yeah you go this way right and that's the direction you can smile each other smile at each other and my daughter looks at her and looks at me baba are you trying to get peak up with her and that's the fun of children is that they're brutally honest but the thing is that there is never a dull moment with children and in our society what we do is that when we look at children why

are you talking so much sit down you're gonna get hurt you're gonna get dirty well do get dirty do get hurt and do Todd if we listen to our kids as adults trust me they're the ones who should be TEDx speakers thank you very much [Applause] [Music]