Meanwhile... IHOP Now Serves Booze!

933.44k views858 WordsGrade 6 ReadabilityDownload TxT File
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile... Stephen and Jon weigh the benefits of IHOP's decision to begin serving alcohol. #Colbert #Comedy #Meanwhile #Colbert #DanielRadcliffe #MiracleWorkers Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

... Show More

Video Transcript:

♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, "WELCOME BACK! WON'T YOU SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT THE? >> Jon: WOOO! >> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT? >> Jon: WOOO! OH, MY GOODNESS! >> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU ALL RIGHT? <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> YOU-- YOU-- SAVE SOME ENERGY FOR THIS WEEKEND. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE PERFORMING IT'S IN THE "WELCOME BACK NEW YORK" CONCERT. WHAT'S IT CALLED AGAIN? WHAT'S IT CALLED? IT'S THIS SATURDAY IN CENTRAL PARK. IT'S A PLETHORA OF MUSICAL STARS OUT THERE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO-- I WILL BE THERE BY THE WAY. I WILL BE THERE AND I WILL SEE YOU. >> Jon: I HEARD YOU MIGHT BE SINGING A SONG. >> Stephen: WHAT? >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: ♪ MORE THAN A WOMAN TO ME ♪ >> Jon: YEAH, COME ON! >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT SONG I MIGHT BE SINGING? BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. >> Jon: WELL, I'LL SEE YOU THERE AND WE'LL FIND OUT TOGETHER. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S A DEAL. THAT'S A DEAL. YOU AND I WILL IMPROVISE. WE'LL SCAT. OKAY. FOLKS, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO STICK AROUND A LITTLE BIT LATER, BECAUSE AMERICA'S BRITISH SWEETHEART, DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS HERE. HE'S GOING TO BE RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). ALWAYS-- ALWAYS A DELIGHT. ALWAYS A DELIGHT. >> Stephen: AND, YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE, CAREFULLY HARVESTING THE HIGHEST-QUALITY ORGANIC ACAI NEWS BERRIES, PUTTING THEM INTO MY CURRENT EVENTS BLENDER, THEN PULSING ON HIGH UNTIL THEY'VE BECOME A SMOOTH PURPLE PUREE OF STORIES TO BE PILED WITH GRANOLA, CHIA SEEDS, AND SLICED JOKE BANANAS, TO MAKE THE HIGH-PRICED, ARTISANAL SMOOTHIE BOWL OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I LIKE TO SCROUNGE TOGETHER SOME EXPIRED KALE FROM THE BACK OF THE FRIDGE, MIX IT WITH THE FERMENTING ORANGE SLICES LEFT IN THE BACK SEAT AFTER LAST WEEK'S LITTLE LEAGUE GAME, AND AN APPLE CORE I FOUND INSIDE A COFFEE CUP, THEN PULVERIZE IT ALL IN A LEAKY NUTRI-BULLET TO MAKE THE PRISON TOILET GREEN JUICE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> A GIFT. A GIFT FROM THE LORD IS WHAT THIS IS. MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT, UNLIKE ANIMALS LIKE DOGS, "CATS PREFER TO GET FREE MEALS OVER WORKING FOR THEIR FOOD." WAIT! DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT AN ANIMAL THAT SLEEPS 23 HOURS AND 56 MINUTES A DAY WOULD RATHER NOT WORK? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> RESEARCHERS CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION AFTER THEY PRESENTED FELINES WITH AN EASILY ACCESSIBLE TRAY OF FOOD AND A SIMPLE-TO-SOLVE FOOD PUZZLE, AND MOST OF THE CATS OPTED FOR THE TRAY. WHILE THE REST OF THE CATS OPTED FOR THEIR BUTT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, IN ROYAL CONFECTION NEWS, A SLICE OF CHARLES AND DIANA'S 1981 WEDDING CAKE HAS SOLD AT AUCTION FOR OVER $2,500. NOW, THAT'S A HEFTY PRICE TAG, BUT THERE IS NO BETTER GIFT IF YOU WANT TO TELL THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE, "THIS IS ALL A SHAM, AND I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, CONTRARY TO CONVENTIONAL WISDOM, METABOLISM DOESN'T SLOW DOWN IN MIDDLE AGE. HOWEVER, ACCORDING TO FIELD RESEARCH CONDUCTED BY A RENOWNED MIDDLE-AGED TALK SHOW HOST, "YES IT DOES." <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪ MEANWHILE, IN WEIRD COMBO NEWS, DOLLY PARTON IS SET TO RELEASE HER FIRST NOVEL WITH BESTSELLING AUTHOR JAMES PATTERSON-- HOPEFULLY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN THEIR ALBUM OF DUETS: "ONLY ONE OF US CAN SING." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, IHOP IS ADDING ALCOHOL TO THE MENU. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ). >> Jon: OH, NO. >> Stephen: OH, YOU APPLAUD NOW. BUT WAIT UNTIL IT'S COMBINED WITH THEIR NEW BREAKFAST SPECIAL, THE ROOKY TOOKY SLOSHED AND PUKEY. STILL SOUNDS GOOD. THERE ARE NO BAD PANCAKES. MEANWHILE, IN MEMORY IMPROVEMENT NEWS, FECAL TRANSPLANTS MAY REVERSE BRAIN AGING IN MICE. UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE MICE WILL NOW ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THEY GOT A FECAL TRANSPLANT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, EARLIER THIS WEEK, A TRUCK CARRYING JACK DANIEL'S BOTTLES CRASHED IN COLUMBUS, OHIO. FIRST RESPONDERS RUSHED TO THE SCENE WITH BITTERS, ORANGE PEELS, AND MARASCHINO CHERRIES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE STATE'S DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION SAID THE BOTTLES WERE EMPTY AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH. AND THE DRIVER ADDED, "YES... THEY WERE ALL EMPTY BEFORE THE TRASH..." MEANWHILE, APPARENTLY THERE ARE A "'HORRIFYING' NUMBER OF SYPHILIS INFECTIONS IN ALBERTA." WHAT IS "UP," ALBERTA?! AND WATCH OUT, SASKATCHEWAN. YOU KEEP RUBBING UP AGAINST THAT, AND YOU MIGHT GET AN INFECTION IN YOUR REGINA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> IT SEEMS LIKE THE PRAIRIE POX MAY BE RUNNING RAMPANT BECAUSE OF "THE POPULARITY OF SOCIAL MEDIA APPS BEING USED FOR DATING," AND "PEOPLE MAY ALSO BE TAKING FEWER PRECAUTIONS AND USING CONDOMS LESS FREQUENTLY." THIS, DESPITE CANADA'S NATIONWIDE SEXUAL HEALTH CAMPAIGN: "MANSLUT THE MOOSE SAYS: PUT A TOQUE ON YOUR HOCKEY STICK, EH?"<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANIEL RADCLIFFE. ♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>

Like it? Make YTScribe even better by leaving a review