Is The 2024 GOP Presidential Primary Already Underway?

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

For proof that the next election is already upon us, look no further than Republican hopefuls like Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott, and Florida Sen. Rick Scott, all of whom sound very much like they're running for president. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I HAVE GOT--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> FOLKS, I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU STRAIGHT. I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS, AND I'VE GOT BAD NEWS. THE BAD NEWS IS I LIED ABOUT THE GOOD NEWS. AND BOTH BADS COMBINE TO BE THE WORST NEWS: BILL COSBY HAS BEEN RELEASED FROM PRISON AFTER HIS SEXUAL ASSAULT CONVICTION WAS OVERTURNED. <i> ( AUDIENCE BOOING )</i> YEAH, I AGREE WITH YOU. OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY, ME TOO. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW, NO IDEA. GOT NO IDEA WHAT'S NEXT FOR COSBY. BUT MY GUESS IS HE'S GOING TO JOIN BILL O'REILLY AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT ON TOUR. NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR, THIS ISN'T AN EXONERATION, COSBY IS GETTING OFF ON A TECHNICALITY. THE RULING STEMS FROM A 2005 AGREEMENT COSBY STRUCK WITH THEN-PROSECUTOR, BRUCE CASTOR, WHO DECLINED TO PROSECUTE COSBY IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY DURING A CIVIL TRIAL. NOW IF THE NAME BRUCE CASTOR RINGS A BELL IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE SAME PARAGON OF LEGAL ETHICS WHO WENT ON TO REPRESENT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DURING HIS SECOND SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL. ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) HIS BUSINESS CARDS JUST SAYS, "BRUCE CASTOR-- ACTUAL DEVIL'S ADVOCATE." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> IN OTHER NEWS, THE COUNTRY IS HOT AS HELL, SO AT LEAST COSBY HAS A PREVIEW OF THE AFTERLIFE. HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, REAL-FEEL TEMPERATURES HIT 105 DEGREES. IT'S SO HOT, THE STATUE OF LIBERTY DROPPED THE TOGA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> THINGS-- >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! >> Stephen: THINGS ARE EVEN HOT IN ALASKA. YESTERDAY, TEMPERATURES CLIMBED TO AS HIGH AS 92 DEGREES, WHICH MEANS THIS YEAR, THE SALMON THE GRIZZLIES ARE CATCHING IS FULLY COOKED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> WITH A SIDE OF VEGETABLES, EVIDENTLY. IT WAS SO HOT YESTERDAY THAT ALASKA HAD AN ICE QUAKE. THAT'S RIGHT, GLOBAL WARMING HAS GOTTEN SO BAD THAT WE HAVE TO LEARN ALL NEW DISASTERS. NOW WE'VE GOT ICE QUAKES, SAND RAIN, THUNDERNAMIS, LEAF HERPES, <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> GETTING STRANGLED BY A RAINBOW. THESE HIGH TEMPERATURES AND SEVERE DROUGHT CAN CAUSE WILDFIRES, SO CITIES ACROSS THE U.S. WEST ARE BANNING FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS. SO, PLEASE, IF YOU'RE IN THOSE STATES, PLEASE CELEBRATE THE FOURTH RESPONSIBLY: JUST USE WATER BALLOONS TO BLOW OFF YOUR FINGERS. PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO TRYING TO TACKLE THE PROBLEM. TODAY HE MET WITH GOVERNORS FROM WESTERN STATES, AND HE ANNOUNCED SOME NEW TOOLS TO PREVENT WILDFIRES: >> NOAA HAS SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS ABLE TO SEE FROM SPACE WHEN NEW FIRES START. THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY HAS A SENSOR RAY COMPUTER ANALYSIS CAPABILITY THAT CAN DETECT IN REALTIME THE LIGHTNING STRIKES THAT MIGHT SET OFF A BLAZE. >> Stephen: WE HAVE LIGHTNING SENSOR RAYS? THAT'S AWESOME! DO WE, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE ANYTHING THAT CAN STOP CLIMATE CHANGE? BECAUSE I SWITCHED TO PAPER STRAWS A YEAR AGO, AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE WORKING. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THEY COLLAPSED. THEY COLLAPSE. IT'S THE LAST DAY OF JUNE 2021, SO, NATURALLY, EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MY NEW SEGMENT: >> THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE? NO! THE LAST ELECTION JUST ENDED, AND IT NEARLY BROKE ME! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! >> Stephen: FIRST UP--<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> FIRST UP, AS ALWAYS, IOWA. YESTERDAY, THE HAWKEYE STATE GOT AN EXPLORATORY VISIT FROM ARKANSAS SENATOR AND BUSINESS GIRAFFE, TOM COTTON. COTTON WAS THERE TO GIVE A STUMP SPEECH. HE SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF, PROBABLY, BUT NO ONE'S TALKING ABOUT THAT. INSTEAD, EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON SOMETHING HE DID WITH IOWA SENATOR AND MAN SEEING A STRANGER SITTING ON HIS BIRD-FEEDING BENCH, CHUCK GRASSLEY. GRASSLEY, WHO IS 87 YEARS YOUNG-- BY WHICH I MEAN OLD-- JOINED COTTON ONSTAGE AT THE END OF THE SPEECH, AND THIS HAPPENED: >> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT. >> Stephen: WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHY THE REPUBLICANS OPPOSE GUN CONTROL. BANG. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! IN THERE SOMEPLACE I GOT DO HAND IT TO CHUCK GRASSLEY. HE IS GEOFF, AND HE IS DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB THERE. I CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TOM COTTON. LOOK AT THAT FORM! GET YOUR HEAD UP! TOUCHING THE GROUND WITH YOUR HAIR DOESN'T COUNT. TO BE FAIR, IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A SPINE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> BUT WHEN IT-- IS THE PIANO OKAY? >> Jon: YOU GOTTA GET IT, GET IT! >> Stephen: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO NEWS-MAKING SUNSHINE TO RAISE YOUR PRESIDENTIAL PROFILE, COTTON WAS OVERSHADOWED BY SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR AND BEAUTY PAGEANT MOM CALLING YOUR TODDLER FAT, KRISTI NOEM. YESTERDAY, NOEM ANNOUNCED SHE WAS SENDING NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER. GOOD. OH, GOOD FOR TOO LONG, IMMIGRANTS HAVE BEEN SNEAKING IN FROM NEBRASKA! WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT? I'M BEING TOLD SHE SENT THEM TO THE MEXICAN BORDER. THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA CAN DO THAT? IS THAT REALLY WHAT THE FOUNDERS INTENDED? SHE SHOULD ASK THEM. THEY'RE FROM SOUTH DAKOTA, TOO. >> HELL, NO! >> COME ON! >> KRISTI NOEM'S DUMB AS A ROCK! >> Stephen: BUT THE STRANGEST AND MOST UNCONSTITUTIONAL PART OF THIS STORY IS THAT NOEM IS PAYING FOR THE DEPLOYMENT WITH A PRIVATE DONATION. FOR THE MONEY, THE DONOR GOT A PRIVATE ARMY AND A "THIS AMERICAN JUNTA" TOTE BAG. THE PRIVATE DONATION CAME FROM TENNESSEE JUNKYARD BILLIONAIRE AND GUY WHO'S LATE FOR A MEETING, EVEN THOUGH HIS BEER GUT WAS EARLY, WILLIS JOHNSON. JOHNSON IS REPORTEDLY PAYING AN UNDISCLOSED SUM THROUGH HIS PRIVATE FOUNDATION TO SEND MORE THAN FOUR DOZEN MEMBERS OF SOUTH DAKOTA'S NATIONAL GUARD TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER. FOUR DOZEN? ALSO KNOWN AS THE POPULATION OF SOUTH DAKOTA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> AND IT'S NOT JUST-- SOUTH DAKOTA IT'S A BEAUTIFULIDATE. BAUTIFUL STATE. YOU'VE GOT THE BADLANDS, OTHERS. IT'SGNOT JUST COTTON AND NOEM. LOTS OF REPUBLICANS ARE ALREADY JOCKEYING FOR THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION. TO NAME A FEW, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT, FLORIDA SENATOR RICK SCOTT, AND FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO. ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) OKAY. THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THESE NEXT JOKES. IN FACT, POMPEO HAS ALREADY FORMED HIS VERY OWN POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE: CHAMPION AMERICAN VALUES PAC, OR CAV-PAC. CAV-PAC IS A FAIRLY AWKWARD NAME, BUT NOT AS BAD AS WHAT HE'S CALLING HIS FANS AND DONORS: "THE PIPE HITTERS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> BECAUSE IF YOU THINK MIKE POMPEO SHOULD BE PRESIDENT, YOU ARE DEFINITELY HITTING THE PIPE. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪ NOW, APPARENTLY, IN THIS REGARD, "PIPE HITTER" IS A MILITARY TERM FOR PEOPLE IN SPECIAL OPS, BUT SOME FOLKS ON THE FAMOUSLY HORNY INTERNET HAD A DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDING OF PIPE HITTER-- A SEXY UNDERSTANDING. SO POMPEO SET THEM STRAIGHT BY TWEETING OUT AUDIO FROM THIS SPEECH: >> BEST C.I.A. OFFICER THAT I EVER CAME TO KNOW. I'D ASKED HIM ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WAS WORKING ON OUR TEAM, AND I'D SAY, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?" OR, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?" AND HE'D SAY, "LOVE THAT GUY, PIPE HITTER." HE MEANT THAT PERSON GOT STUFF DONE. THEY WERE A GRINDER. THEY KEPT BANGING AWAY. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: SURE. NOT SEXUAL AT ALL-- JUST A GRINDER WHO KEEPS BANGING AWAY. "WHEN I SAY 'PIPE HITTER,' I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO ROLL UP HIS SLEEVES AND REALLY REACH AROUND, YOU KNOW, GET HIS OR HER HANDS DIRTY. GIVE THEM ANY HAND JOB, THEY'LL DO IT! JUST PULLING TOGETHER UNTIL EVERYONE'S FINISHED!" BUT<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> IF YOU-- IF YOU-- HOLD ON. NO, NOT WORTH IT. BUT IF YOU HIT PIPE, POMPEO WANTS TO SEE IT. ON HIS WEBSITE, IT ENCOURAGES DONORS TO JOIN HIM AS A PIPE HITTER BY WRITING OR SENDING A VIDEO TO MIKE, WITH A HANDY PLACE TO RECORD YOUR PIPE HITTING IN ACTION. NOW, CLEARLY, IT IS OUR DUTY TO SUPPORT THIS MISSION. EVERYONE OUT THERE, PLEASE, SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO OF YOU HITTING PIPE-- WHATEVER THAT MEANS TO YOU. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SPEAKING OF WHICH, THERE'S A CONTROVERSY INVOLVING FRIEND OF THE SHOW, CNN ANCHOR AND CONFUSED PORK CHOP, CHRIS CUOMO. CUOMO RECENTLY RETWEETED SOME VIEWERS WHO HAD PRAISED HIS WORK ON AIR, WHICH INSPIRED A TWITTER CRITIC TO POST, "YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR ARM, LET'S SAY, TO PUT IT IN CNN TERMS, GOING 360 ON YOUR OWN SITUATION ROOM." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S A VERY RUDE IMPLICATION AND, OBVIOUSLY, THE SMART THING TO DO IS JUST IGNORE THE TROLLS. SO CUOMO RETWEETED THE ACCUSATION OF SELF-PLEASURING WITH THIS PHOTO OF HIS BICEP AND THE CAPTION, "THAT HOW THIS HAPPENED?! HAHAHAHA." OH, MY GOD, CHRIS! I KNOW YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR BODY, EVEN THOUGH I BEAT YOU IN A PUSHUP CONTEST. BUT I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO IMPLY THAT THAT'S HOW YOU GOT THOSE MUSCLES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> ALTHOUGH, IF IT IS, YOU MUST HAVE TO REALLY LIMBER UP BEFORE LEG DAY. YOU SHOULD SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE HARVEY KEITEL AND COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>

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