People You Shouldn't Fall In Love With

this video is sponsored by mantis sleep get the highest quality sleep masks using the link in the description and use code Wonder for 10% off romantic love is an illusion it is the misguided results of Romanticism which revered passion and feeling over reason assume the Mythos of love at first sight and happily ever after love has been commandeered by market opportunities for profit Hall Mark in Disney movies greeting card and jewelry companies and so on they all fan the Flames of Love with dollars in the end love hurts all those who believe in it no

real love story ends well there's no such thing as the one these are perhaps a few of the things a realist or pessimist might say or at least think in the privacy of their mind about love perhaps this kind of person is and has always been a realist about everything and so they are also a realist about love or perhaps they have witness a relationship crumble in and destroy those housed by it perhaps their parents or perhaps they've experienced it themselves terrible pains caused by their own experiences of a Love's failure whatever the case may

be let's grant that on some level it is all true it is true that romantic love as an ideal is a lucer it is true that romantic love has been contorted by hands needing for money and it is true that love will never bring Everlasting happiness and no instance of it will ultimately end well so now what is this the end of one's hope for love it doesn't Happ have to be in truth why would love be any different what in life isn't immensely painful and confusing and uncertain and hard what in life isn't idealized

or romanticized what hasn't been commandeered and exploited for profit what in life ends well life doesn't end well the problem at least for those of us who have found ourselves considering love through a sort of realist pessimistic lens isn't love but our definitions and expectations of it love is often viewed as a proxy for happiness at the very least many people view romantic love as a means to happiness this is arguably where the disaster starts we build our romantic hopes on the haphazard and foolishly optimistic Foundation that love will solve things it cannot for most

of us the sort of everlasting potent happiness endorsed in the oversaturated final scenes of a romance story is not a particularly likely goal no matter what happens in our lives we will all likely struggle with terrible bouts of misery and anxiety and regret regardless of whether we are single or in a relationship regardless of essentially anything at best life is fundamentally difficult at worst it is fundamentally suffering and so take the sort of ultimate happily ever after happiness off the table and assume a pessimistic attitude toward love and then redefine it or at least work

toward understanding and practicing a more realistic functional version of it of course there are things in life that do increase our well-being and there are things that add meaning to our lives family friendships relationships Mutual support and Care novel experiences notable achievements and so on can and do play a role in one's quality of life and sense of meaning and the sort of shared Mutual intertwinement of experience through love can both provide and augment the potency of these aspects of Life Harry re PhD professor of psychology says many many Studies have shown that people who

are in relationships on average are happier than people who are not in relationships this simply means that on average people who are not in relationships over the course of their lifespan are unhappier in many different respects than people who are in relationships in reference to the impact of marital status on happiness over time psychologist Richard slatcher says couples still end up staying happier than they started with but essentially that declines a little bit over time a study done at Michigan State University by psychologist Richard Lucas has also shown that married couples adapt to their relationship

circumstances and return to their relative Baseline of well-being it appears that having a healthy functional romantic relationship tends to have a positive effect on one's well-being but once one has a reasonably healthy and Cooperative relationship there is a limit and relative timeline to which a relationship can increase one's happiness it is not as if there is some other better person or relationship that will make a significant Improvement Beyond one's general optimal Baseline of happiness with this on average one should strive for a supportive romantic relationship but not expect or depend on it to be some

sort of bottomless well of contentment another belief that can cause destruction and disappointment is the notion of the one one person who is perfect for us who will always understand our every need and impulse who will cater to our every Quirk and neosis and yet have none themselves for most of us we will not just simply click automatically and enduringly with anyone we will of course click more or notice a greater potential to click more with some people over others and this is undoubtedly relevant but equally relevant as recognizing that properly clicking and staying clicked

is not going to be simple or easy or even really possible in any absolute sense the gears will grind as often as their teeth will sit perfectly into the base Circle a more reasonable Prospect of love starts not with the ideal that one can find someone who does not have qualities that will be difficult to deal with but rather that one can find someone with difficult qualities worth dealing with in the words of the philosopher slavo xek all too often when we love somebody we don't accept him or her as what the person effectively is

we accept him or her in so far as this person fits the coordinates of our fantasy we misidentify wrongly identify him or her which is why when we discover that we were wrong love can quickly turn into violence there's nothing more dangerous more lethal for the loved person than to be loved as it were for not what he or she is but for fitting the ideal the prospect of reasonable and meaningful love is like all things in life found in the direction of effort care and thoughtfulness the uniquely dangerous problem with romantic love is that

it can literally alter the chemistry of the brain and reduce one's ability to reason and think critically the American Anthropologist Helen Fischer wrote elevated levels of dopamine in the brain produce extremely focused attention as well as unwavering motivation and goal directed behaviors these are Central characteristics of romantic love lovers intensely focus on the Beloved often to the exclusion of all around them indeed they concentrate so relentlessly on the positive qualities of the adored one that they easily Overlook his or her negative traits as a result knowing the difference between being foolishly compelled toward a relationship

and being foolishly dismissive of a relationship is anything but easy or clear all we can do here is try our best to use the speed bumps of time and patience to help ensure our car doesn't fly recklessly down the street in either direction we all must be willing to take our leaps of faith in life true wise leaps of Faith arguably are not in anything without evidence or Prospect but rather in things that are risky and uncertain but are possible capable of profound meaning and value if we land the Dismount and love for at least

some of us can be the that the right person the one is who you settle on and fight for and with there is no one other than the one you choose and make love of this form is not cute or flowery it does not go on social media or fit neatly on the final page of a novel it is rather found in an open bathroom door in helping with an unsavory ailment in accepting and patiently sitting alongside an unexplainable meltdown that continues all night it is found in stopping a weird eating habit or working through

a bad financial habit it is found in uncertainty and struggle it is found in Freedom and friction it is found in being told you did something wrong that you cannot for the life of you understand and it is found in accepting at least on occasion that you in fact probably did something wrong it is found in working through this understanding and it is found in understanding that some understandings will never quite be reached and some problems will never quite be solved the author B hooks wrote true love is unconditional but to truly flourish it requires

an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change the heartbeat of true love is the willingness to reflect on one's actions and to process and communicate this reflection with the loved one of course in the end love will inevitably not end well life does not end well of course love will be painful and filled with uncertainties and confusions life is a treachery of these things of course we won't find someone that takes the pain of Life Away nothing can of course we won't ever find the right person there are no right people but ultimately think to

yourself if you're going to live in and through this pit of existence with all its pains and uncertainties and challenges do you want to fight for and work towards something meaningful or not if yes is having someone to help with and share in the sufferings together to laugh at the absurdities together and to occasionally triumph over the hardships together meaningful if yes then try to love work toward and learn to love make it a goal like anything else not to attain but to get better at when one wants to become physically healthier or financially more

well off one doesn't accomplish these things by waiting around with the same knowhow and skills they put effort toward understanding how to eat healthier or make better financial decisions and they practice the habits and skills required to do so in many ways love is no different we should not expect love to save us but we can perhaps with the right effort and patience find that it can help make the inability to ever be saved more endurable and worth enduring of course love is not for everyone and will not work out for everyone even if they

do everything right like anything else luck is the ultimate Arbiter of success and for some it might Simply Be of less interest than living a meaningful Life as a single person which is entirely reasonable and achievable modern culture undoubtedly glorifies relationships as a universality which they are not what's important however is no knowing what is important to you what you value and find meaningful and ensuring that your perspective is not just the sour grapes of a misguided belief in an impossible ideal if love is important to you throw out the ideal and build something real

something you can attain and manage and love something that amongst very few things you can look back on at the end of your life and tear up about not at the loss of it but at the Indescribable connection and meaning you got to experience and share with the another person you picked out that one person you fought for that one person you believed in that one person you worked through yourself and them with and for that one person you learn more about and from that one person than anyone else you loved that one person in

the words of xek love for me is an extremely violent act love is not I love you all love means I pick out something even if this something is just a small detail a fragile individual person I say I love you more than anything else in this quite formal sense Love is [Music] Evil thank you for watching according to a study it turns out interestingly more satisfied couples tend to sleep in closer synchronization multiple Studies have also shown that sleep can be crucial to a relationship success not only do synchronize sleep patterns indicate relationship satisfaction

action but the duration and quality of one's sleep can deeply affect one's ability to find achieve and maintain healthy relationships of all kinds the professor of sleep medicine Dr Adrien Williams says that sleep loss can reduce things like self-control moral awareness mood interpretation and communication having a quality sleep schedule is essential but managing one single or in a relationship can be very difficult that's why this video sponsor man to sleep is such a fantastic fit for this video whether you're a night owl early bird or frequent Napper for all of us our friend when we

are awake becomes our foe in sleep the light with Manta sleep masks however you can achieve 100% blackout without any sacrifice to comfort and sleep positioning as a regular side sleeper who moves around quite a bit other sleep masks are often uncomfortable or prone to falling off with Manta sleep masks however the fully adjustable design sits perfectly on your face with full breathability and no direct contact to your eyes or eyelashes sitting like a soft pillow around your head with no points of Bulge or pressure Manta has a variety of options depending on your needs

like the cool mask steam mask Pro mask weighted mask kids mask silk mask and sound mask which has Bluetooth speakers in it with a 20-hour battery life all masks are fully adjustable with premium quality materials and the eye cups can be interchanged with cool or steam cups which are amazing for headaches or general relaxation if you want to boost your REM and deep sleep and thus improve the quality of your life you need the highest quality of sleep mask which Manta provides get your manta sleep mask today by using the link in the description and

using Code Wonder to get 10% off your order Manta is also currently running some last minute holiday deals if you order soon and of course as always thank you so much for watching in general and see you next video [Music]