Avoidants Start Missing You When They Realize This Twisted Truth

You know, a lot of people think that in order to make an avoidant miss them, they need to go no contact or date someone new or act unavailable or mysterious. But here's what no one tells you. Avoidants don't miss you because they decide to.

They don't wake up one day and suddenly realize your worth. In fact, when an avoidance starts missing you, it's not really an intentional realization. It's kind of like an accident, a glitch in their own emotional suppression.

All right, check this out. So, I'm reading this book right here, Attached, the other day, and around page 113, authors Amir Lavine and Rachel Heler mentioned these independent studies done on avoidance. Researchers wanted to see how quickly avoidance noticed certain words on a screen.

Now, the idea is simple. The faster you recognize a word, the more it's on your mind, whether you realize it or not. Here's what they found.

Avoidants are quick to notice words like needy or clingy. They're hyper aware of anything that makes their partner seem dependent on them. It's like they're always on the lookout for reasons to pull away.

Nothing too shocking there. But when it comes to words like separation or loss, they're actually really slow to react. And at first, this makes it seem like avoidance don't care about losing people.

But that's not the full story. That's when the researchers did something interesting. They gave avoidance a second task, like solving a puzzle while flashing words on the screen.

And suddenly, something strange begins to happen. When avoidance were distracted, they reacted just as fast to separation and loss as everyone else. In other words, their brain had been blocking those emotions, but only when they had enough energy to do it.

Now to quote the exact text, the experiments show that although you may be avoidant, your attachment machinery is still in place, making you just as vulnerable to threats of separation. Only when your mental energy is needed elsewhere and you are caught off guard, however, do these emotions and feelings emerge. So basically, avoidance aren't as independent as they'd have you believe.

It's like a defensive stance they adopt that makes them seem that way. All right. So, quoting again from attached, other studies have found that faced with a stressful life event such as a divorce, the birth of a severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidance's defenses are quick to break down, and they then appear to behave just like people with an anxious attachment style.

You know, for years, I've been quoting from an avoidant resource, Free to Attach, online about longing for exes, that dismissive avoidance feel. Avoidance are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of a relationship and typically out of contact. So, they are untouched by the actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren't triggering, revealing their long suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to the fear of abandonment.

Wow, that was way too long. The reason though that this phenomenon might exist is avoidant independence is an illusion. It's not real independence.

It's just emotional suppression. Okay. Okay.

We get it. But how does this relate to missing you? Well, let's go back to what free to attach describes.

Once an ex is completely out of reach, the avoidance fear of engulfment disappears. And for the first time, their suppressed fear of abandonment takes over. It's not that avoidance are heartless.

It's not that they suddenly realize your worth. It's that their defensive system finally shuts down and what's left underneath is a deep, long buried attachment. So, when an avoidance starts missing you, it's not about what you did.

It's about what they can no longer suppress. Now, I've done a lot of research on avoidance, but I'll caveat that by saying I've done a lot of research on avoidance, specifically going through breakups. Remember that quote from Attached I cited where I talk about how stressful life events are quick to break the avoidant down?

Well, breakups just so happened to be a stressful life event, too. A few years ago in our community, this was posted. My former ex made a confession the other day.

Here is a part of it. I wasn't kidding when I said it sounded like a script Chris made up. The confession from the ex had everything you could possibly want in it.

You look so beautiful. made me fall for you all over again. You're perfect.

I need you in my life. But I think it's what the client said last that hit home for me. Confidence is key.

Improve yourself and let yourself shine for the world to see. Now, I've been doing this for a long time. And so often when it comes to making an avoidant regret losing you, it's not about anything you say.

It's about what you do, how you let go, how you put the focus on yourself, and how you finally stop chasing and start becoming the person they never thought they'd lose. Now, if you're ready to do just that on your terms, I just opened up my Cider Super offer. It's 50% off access to everything I've ever created.

You get access to our community, to the battle buddies, to live coaching calls with me, and a lot more. Now, if you're interested in this super offer, all you have to do is look in the description below and click the link you see there. All right, let's get back to the video.

Now, if we go back to that puzzle experiment where avoidance only reacted to words like loss and separation when they were distracted, a breakup is essentially doing the same thing. When they're in the relationship, their defenses are up. They focus on your neediness, their need for space, and all of the reasons they need to pull away.

But when the breakup happens, it disrupts their mental energy. The emotional suppression they've carefully maintained gets overloaded just like in the study. So suddenly they start feeling what they've been repressing.

Not because they want to, but because their mind just can't hold it back anymore. So just like solving a puzzle occupied their brain enough for their real emotions to slip through, the stress of a breakup, or rather the stress the breakup creates. It essentially creates this mental distraction that lets their attachment fears surface.

They don't miss you because they choose to. They miss you because for the first time they can't suppress it anymore. And that's why avoidance seems so cold while you're with them, but strangely nostalgic once you're gone.

Okay, but if that's true, then why isn't every avoidant missing you immediately after the breakup? Well, I think it's because not all stressors hit the same way. And not all avoidance suppress at the same depth.

So before you you see a triangle. Now the points of this triangle are going to represent the three major headwinds that prevent avoidance from missing you immediately. Let's start at the top with point number one.

The type of avoidant really matters. All right, we've been over this before, but there are really two types of avoidance. You have dismissives whose core wound revolves around a fear of losing their independence and fearfuls whose core wound oscillates between the fear of losing their independence and the fear of being left alone.

But today we're looking at how they miss. And let me tell you, they are on definitely opposite ends of the spectrum. Okay, let's start first with the fearful avoidance.

So fearful avoidance tend to feel the impact of a breakup sooner because they swing between craving intimacy and fearing it. So, their emotions are chaotic and their attachment fears surface much faster. I'll actually use no contact as an example.

So, a lot of times when my coaching team is coaching a client, they'll recommend a period of no contact. Usually anywhere between 21 to 45 days where you're just straight up ignoring your avoidant. Now, typically with a dismissive avoidant, you aren't going to hear from them during periods of no contact.

Why? Well, you've essentially given the dismissive avoidant what they've wanted, space and independence. Fearful avoidance, on the other hand, well, let's just say that you'll be hearing from them during no contact a lot.

It goes back to their chaotic swings between the anxious core wound and the avoidant core wound. Thus, they are much more likely to feel the sting of missing you soon. Then we have dismissive avoidance.

These are the individuals who take longer to register the loss. Their suppression is much stronger and their detachment system is more airtight. Again, like I said, with dismissive avoidance, they aren't usually going to be reaching out to you during no contact.

Okay, so perhaps it's best to view the two types of avoidance based on shield strength. So, fearful avoidance after a breakup have a shield of maybe like 50% and as the days roll on post breakup, that shield gets weaker and weaker. The dismissive avoidant, on the other hand, their shield is still at like 80%.

But it will decay. It'll just take a lot longer before it bottoms out. Let's move on to point number two.

This is what I call the death wheel effect. You know, it's not a Chris Cider video without at least one mention of the death wheel. So, you should know the drill by now.

The death wheel has eight stages which you see before you right now. But we're really interested in this section right here, stages 6 through 8. So here's the thing you need to understand about avoidance.

They don't process emotions in real time. When a breakup happens, their brain follows a sequence. There's like a relief phase.

This is the first instinct of freedom. Their defense system says, you know, I made the right choice. No more pressure, no more expectations.

Which leads way to the normalization phase. They go about their life as usual. The mental habit of suppressing emotions continues because they don't yet perceive a threat.

Then of course you have the trigger phase. Something happens that forces them to confront the breakup. This could be like a stressful life event like losing a job, getting sick, or seeing you move on, or just time weakening their emotional walls.

Then you have the flooding phase. The emotions they've been holding back suddenly hit all at once, often months later. That's why some avoidants don't seem to care immediately after a breakup.

Their defenses are still working until something makes them stop working. There's an interesting caveat, though, and that leads us pretty nicely to point number three. The level of distraction determines the delay.

So, do you remember that experiment with the puzzle? Avoidance only reacted emotionally when they were distracted enough. But what if you have an avoidant who is on stage, let's say eight of the death wheel?

The emotions they've been holding back suddenly hit all at once and they approach a metaphorical crossroads. They can either admit to themselves that they are missing you or they can distract themselves to delay their emotions. This is why you often see them jump into another relationship so quickly.

They choose distraction over acceptance. And I find this absolutely fascinating because it seems to contradict what the researchers found with distracting in general. Remember uh according to attached only when an avoidance of mental energy is needed elsewhere are they caught off guard and do their true emotions and feelings emerge.

So what is going on here? Well, here's the key difference. It's about active versus passive distractions.

All right, let's take something like the puzzle experiment. It's a passive distraction that lowers defenses. You know, in the puzzle experiment, avoidants were distracted by a neutral task, solving puzzles or responding to cues.

This wasn't a chosen emotionally motivated distraction. It was just enough to take their conscious mind off their suppression and allowing their hidden emotions to surface naturally. They weren't running from anything.

They weren't choosing to avoid their emotions. The distraction worked because it made their usual defense mechanism slip. like when you accidentally blurt out the truth when you're busy multitasking.

Now, let's take something like rebound relationships. This is an active, emotionally motivated distraction. So, after a breakup, avoidance consciously choose distractions.

They'll jump into a new relationship. They'll overload themselves with work. They'll party.

They'll numb themselves with substances or throw themselves into hobbies. These aren't passive distractions that accidentally lower defenses. These are active avoidance strategies meant to reinforce suppression, not bypass it.

They aren't being caught off guard by a puzzle. They are intentionally drowning out any chance of feeling the loss. So, like I said, at stage eight, an avoidant approaches a crossroads.

You either face the emotions. This would mean admitting, "I actually miss them. " And this can be kind of terrifying because it forces them to acknowledge vulnerability.

or they could repress again. The easier option here is to throw themselves into something or someone new so they never have to feel the full weight of their emotions. This is why so many avoidants move on fast.

They aren't over you, they're avoiding you. And this actually explains the timing of when an avoidant misses you. If an avoidant fails to properly distract themselves, i.

e. their new relationship isn't fulfilling or they run out of work projects or they're forced into solitude, the emotions suddenly hit. If they successfully maintain the distraction long enough, they can delay those emotions for months or sometimes even years.

So, it's not a contradiction. It's actually a deeper confirmation of what the study in this book found. If distraction is passive and noneotionally motivated, their real emotions surface.

If distraction is active and emotionally motivated, they reinforce their avoidance and delay facing the truth. This is why you'll often hear stories of an avoidant ex reaching out way later once their distractions no longer work. And that's when they finally realize what they lost.

Now, the milliondoll question is, do you have control over this? Is there some sort of lever that you can pull to make them miss you quicker? And the answer is yes, but not in the way most people think.

So, most people assume they need to post on social media to make them jealous or reach out and remind them what they lost or date someone new to make them regret it. And technically, yes, that stuff can work. But realistically, you aren't going to see much movement from those small actions.

The real lever you can pull though is creating an emotional vacuum. So, think of the avoidance mind as a scale. On one side, you have their ability to suppress emotions, but on the other, you have the triggers that force them to confront loss.

Your goal is to remove yourself as an option so completely that they run out of distractions. You go truly no contact, but not to manipulate them. This isn't about making them miss you.

It's about making space for reality to hit them. the less they can use you as an emotional crutch, even as a negative one, the sooner their distractions fail. You could avoid being their backup plan.

You know, if you think they're still lingering, they don't have to feel the finality of loss. The moment they sense you're emotionally gone, the clock starts ticking on their suppression breaking down. You can live your life in a way they won't expect.

You know, the funny thing about avoidance is they count on predictability. If they think you'll always be there, even in the background, they feel safe detaching. The second they sense a version of you they didn't expect, you're thriving, you're unattached, and they no longer have emotional access to you, it kind of forces them into this re-evaluation.

But why does this work? Well, I think it's because you're disrupting their suppression timeline. Avoidants don't miss you on a schedule.

They miss you when their distractions fail. By refusing to be part of their emotional backup plan, you accelerate their moment of when their avoidance no longer works. But there is a catch.

This only works if you actually let go. If you fake it, they're going to sense it. If you really move on, that's when their internal walls start to crack.

And that's the only real way to make an avoidant miss you faster. Hey, real quick. Early in this video, I mentioned my cider super offer.

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