The Problem With Most Dating Advice For Men - Dan Bilzerian

What are the common assumptions, the biggest ones that are holding guys back when it comes to attracting women, and what are the reframes or the best strategies that you've deconstructed from yourself? Okay, so the most common problems, I would say, would be some mindsets like limiting beliefs. A big one like thinking, "Oh, I'm not tall so women aren't going to be attracted to me," or "I'm not rich so I can't get women," or all these reasons why they're not attractive.

Do those things not matter? No, they don't matter at all. Like, at all.

The things that actually can make a woman pursue you or chase you or be interested in you, like, you know, Bill's a perfect example. He had all the things, not one, not two, not three. He had every single thing that guys think that they need to get women, and plus, a deserted island with 36-year-olds.

Like, you couldn't get a better scenario. So, like, that is literal proof that all these things, you know, still didn't get light. Exactly.

That's not going to solve your problem because here's a guy that had all those things and he still didn't do it right. And I have another sample of a bunch of guys in my fraternity that were short, that didn't have money, that weren't that smart, all this stuff, and they got a ton of [__]. So like, I just know that it's not the traditional things that guys think that they need.

That's a part of it, but I think, like I said, when I kind of deconstructed it, the biggest epiphany that I had was the difference of when you are chasing a woman or you're pursuing a woman versus when she's pursuing you. The flaws disappear on both sides. When a woman's chasing you, your flaws disappear, her flaws magnify.

Just like when the really stage five clinger girl hits you up all the time, it's like you're not interested in her. Maybe she can suck your dick on a Friday night if you strike out at 3 am, right? But the same thing's true for women.

When these guys massively overcommunicate interests, they know they can have them, and then it's like a conversation of do they want them? And when you're looking at flaws, you're going to find them. You've got flaws, I've got flaws, everybody has flaws, right?

So when you're looking for flaws, they stand out. But when you're pursuing something, like think an auction, you know, five guys want something, five guys are bidding for something, and like you really want it and you have this idea in your mind of like when you wanted something, you didn't get it in the fear of loss, you're not thinking about what's wrong with it, you're just how do I get it, right? Just like you know, and this is probably the most common mistake guys make is they're like, "This girl's hot.

How do I [__] her? " You know, that's the thought process. Like, "Oh my God, she's so beautiful.

I would marry that girl. " How many times you heard a guy say like, "Oh my God, she's so hot, I would marry her. " It's like, what if she has AIDS?

What if she's a pathological liar? What if she's like 95,000 guys? What if she's just a Serial cheater?

What if she's bipolar? What if she's got a massive alcohol problem, whatever, right? Like, dig a little bit deeper, be discerning, you know, like go into the interaction wanting to find out more about the girl, not just accepting her looks as being enough.

And I think that's the biggest problem that guys make is that they just like the looks are enough and then the conversation is like, "How do I get her to like me? " So you're already going in there with a handicap, you know? Like when a salesman comes in, like he's already coming in from a handicap versus when somebody goes into the store because they need milk, they just go to the aisle, they find the milk and they buy it.

Versus if you show up at the door and you try and sell them milk, they'd be like, "Oh, who is this guy, is the milk old, can I trust this? " You know what I mean? Like the difference.

Like when you want something, it's just like, "How do I get it? " It's not the same conversation. And so that would be the biggest thing.

And I and I figured that out because I had a big sample size of girls that wanted me that I screwed it up with, and a big sample size of girls that wanted me that I also had sex with. And I think that's like, look, in an experiment, you have to have the control group, right? Most guys do not have the control group.

Like I literally had girls sending me butt naked photos on Instagram, I want to you, and I screwed it up with those girls. So I'm just saying, like, only in cross-comparing what worked and what didn't work with two sample sizes of girls that both wanted to sleep with me could have out, you're the same guy to both of them, exactly, 'cause like, you know, there's girls that just like wouldn't want to sleep with me because I'm Armenian or I have a shitty haircut, or whatever, right? There's going to be girls that just like wouldn't [__] me.

Period. So, because I had that sample, I knew that they wanted to sleep with me, and I screwed it up. I was able to figure out the things that I was doing wrong.

One of the big things that I was doing wrong was overcommunicating interest. I would have problems with the girls that I was like, "Oh damn, this girl's hot, you know, she's different," or like, "I really like her, whatever," and my approach would change. And because my approach would change, my results would change.

You know, to sort of treat them mean to keep them keen—not signaling sufficient interest—that person, that girl, doesn't actually end up responding to you at all. I think: "Well, he's not interested, so this doesn't go anywhere. " So, I wouldn't say treat them mean.

I would say change your default setting from nice to challenging, you know? Because like a lot of these guys, they aren't really nice guys. Like, "Oh, you know, I just want to be.

. . " It's like, you're not that nice to the fat chick, you're not that nice to the janitor, you're nice to this girl 'cause you want her, you know?

So, like this whole idea of, like, "Oh, I'm just being myself" or like, "That's another one. " It's like, "I just want to be myself. " Like, "I want her to like me for me.

" And it's like, okay, well, there's different versions of you. There's a version of you in an Armani suit; there's a version of you dressed like [__]; there's a version of you where you take care of your diet and work out and like, you know, work at your job, and there's a version of you that just like succumbs to every one of your impulses. Like, you know, I drive by bu McDonald's and like, you know, I just want to eat fries, but I don't.

You know, like, I want to have Sni all day, but I don't. You know, like, you can make yourself better. And I think, you know, a lot of guys don't do that.

Like, a lot of guys are just like, "I want a girl to like me for me. " So, get Tactical for a moment with regards to a guy who has a girl that he thinks she's hot, she's interesting. I want to pursue her, what is a better tactical way of moving toward that?

What should they do? Well, I mean, I would not start the interaction by overcommunicating; you know, have a conversation with her, you know? I mean, I've asked girls crazy stuff.

I take like a pretty extreme approach, and I wouldn't recommend this for, you know, all guys, but like, I'll ask girls crazy questions. Like me and my buddy were having a conversation the other day and like he was like, "I think it's, I was arguing that I think you have a lower chance of getting a serious rejection if you put a girl's hand on your dick than if you go for a kiss. " And this is after a girl's into you, and like you guys have been on a date or whatever and there's like, you know, some chemistry, whatever, and he was like, "You're out of your mind.

" Like this, that, and the other. And I was like, "Okay, well, let's some girls. " So like, I just would go up to a girl and I'd be like, "Hey, you know, like this is the question.

" Like, you know, what I wouldn't frame who is on which side, but like they wanted to answer, so they gave their answer. Now all of a sudden, we're in a sexual conversation with a girl where I haven't communicated any interest to her at all, and I've almost like disqualified her because I'm asking her this question that you usually wouldn't ask about. You exactly wouldn't ask a girl that you're trying to like hook up with because it's like a crazy question too.

And so I'm not saying that that would be you know, the optimal approach, but I'm just saying like that's something that like most guys wouldn't think to do but that it's more successful than going up overcommunicating interest, putting a girl in a position where she has to decide, like accept or reject. And usually when they're forced to accept or reject, usually reject is the default. And if it's not, then they're probably a horror if they just like accept every guy that comes up to them.

This is your uh chasing versus choosing paradigm. Well, yeah. So, you know, get into the interaction and you know the caveat to that is like what you say to a girl isn't necessarily how important it is like how you say it.

So, you could go up and say some really stupid [__] to open the conversation. It doesn't really matter as long as you get in there without massively overcommunicating interest, right? And then I would say be Discerning, you know, be challenging, ask questions, dig deeper, get a little bit of information about it, you know.

I mean, Neil Strauss had a good one when he was on with Jessica Alba and he said, you know, you know, looks are common in La. Aside from your looks, like what would your friend say are the three, you know, best qualities about you? And like in that one question, he immediately like pulled away her looks, which was like one of her strongest attributes like nobody give a about Jessica ala she's ugly, right?

So it's literally like her superpower he just sucked it right out of the conversation he's also digging deeper. And now he's got her in a position of like qualifying herself to him and selling herself to him. She's telling him why she's good, you know.

So that would be a much better start of an interaction than like, you know, "I think you're so beautiful, like I just had to come over here. And you know, by the way, I'm a doctor, you know, and I drive a Lamborghini. " And like all this [__], the guys, you know, they try and brag about themselves, they're doing all these things, and the girl is just like in a position of like, "okay, you know, do I want this?

" That's the conversation usually between guys and girls, is like the girls like, "okay, do I want this guy? " It's like playing poker and the guys just like turn over their cards. So I would say, like, you know, dig a little bit deeper, be discerning, like find out about the girl, like you know, decide.

And then if you want to give her a compliment, give her a compliment on like something that's unique about her, something that's like she earned or, you know, not just like she was born with, you know. Like, if she has pretty eyes, I'm sure she's heard that from a million guys. Like, don't tell her she has pretty eyes, you know?

Like, just be different. I mean, I guess like a big epiphany I had too was like when I became famous, you know, and I had to talk about this in there too is like understanding a hot girl's mind because when I became famous, like I understood what it was like to be a hot chick. And I understood that in the sense of like I had forced interactions wherever that I would go, whether it was a Starbucks, whether it was, you know, wherever, like I had people coming up to me.

And the same thing is true of a girl, like when she goes to, you know, get her mail, when she goes to the grocery, so like, guys are hitting on her all the time. So it's force interactions. And what I noticed is, the first hundred times guys would come up to me and be like, "bro, you're the man, blah, blah, blah," like you know, all this [__], I was like, okay cool, you know, whatever.

And I always take the pictures, you know. But I guess what I'm trying to, you know, explain with that is, let's say you are a famous guy, and a guy comes up to you, you're like, "bro, you're the man, dude," like all this [__], and you've heard this 10,000 times, is that going to make you want to have a beer with that guy? No.

Like, maybe you'll take a photo with him, you'll tell him you appreciate it, but it's not going to make you want to like hang out with him. Now, if that guy comes up to you and is like, "hey man, you know, I only got a second, but I just want to tell you like, you know, I really like this," you know, maybe the guy's a rockstar, "I really like this song that you did," and he told him a song that he did like in the garage, he's like, "and I had that same guitar that you had," and whatever, and then he's just like kind of excusing himself on the way out. Maybe that rockstar like wants to have a conversation with him.

Oh [__], that guitar, you know, that was like one of my favorite guitars, you know. Like, now you're coming at it from a different angle. And I would say the same thing is true with hot girls.

Like, if you go up and say the same [__] that all these other guys have said to these girls, you're going to have the same knee-jerk reaction, the walls are going to go up, she's going to remember the last 20 times she got caught in a 30-minute conversation with some idiot talking her ear off, and she knows that the guy just wants to her because she's built no value, right? Like, early on in the conversation, if you compliment her a bunch before she's earned it, and it's kind of like you're telling her indirectly, you're above me. "Well, you're above me and your looks are good enough, I don't even care if you have a flaw, like, you're hot and so that's enough for me and I'm ready to date you.

" This is the wrong thing. It's so funny that kind of uh, playground mentality of if I know that I can have it, I don't want it. And it's so funny how that seems to be, in your worldview, like a fundamental part of the physics, translates everything, you know, it's sales, it's negotiation, it's business, it's all these things.

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