This one time Dilli mai ek show aaya, ek corporate show aaya Since I was staying in Mumbai I had a show in Delhi I booked myself a nice 5-star hotel in Aerocity because. . .
I can! Mata Rani ka aashirwaad, ghar walon ka pyaar hai, I can! And incidentally my then girlfriend was also visiting me Why then girlfriend?
Because now wife doesn’t allow Like she’s a little. . .
She’s on the fence with it I hope she comes around though but she’s a little. . .
but as always Shaen-Shaen full! Bauhat badhiya din nikla, bauhat badhiya show ho gaya Badhiya humne movie-shoovie dekhi, apna khaana-waana khaa ke. .
. thak-haar ke Dilli-Guragaon thoda ghoom-ghaam ke. .
. 11:30 baje thak-haar ke hum log soye And I think I’ve made myself very clear how much I love my sleep That night. .
. in that stupid shitty f**k all so called 5-star hotel. .
. I woke up in the middle of the night at 2:00am Na marzi se, na kharraaton se Hotel ke emergency alarm se! Yeah, which went off something like this: “Ladies and gentlemen, your kind attention please.
There has been an. . .
. . .
emergency in the hotel. Request you to kindly reach the ground floor. .
. . .
. taking the nearest emergency exit stairs. Thank you.
Your kind attention please. ” Your. .
. . kind attention Raat ke 2 baje.
. . inhe attention chahiye Sone se pehle madam ko bhi same chahiye tha Arre ye koi tareeka hai kisi ko uthaane ka English mein!
Aap Mummy se seekho, kaam wali aunty se seekho AC band karo, rajaai utaar do banda utth jaata hai Nahi! Laga angrezi mein gyaan baantne Your kind attention, it’s an emergency blah bluh yeh woh Thank You! 40-50 word ke baad aa raha hai “thank you” Nahi maan lo mere kamre ke bahar aag lagi hoti toh?
Main jab tak thank you pe pauhanchta main to welcome bolne ke yogya hi nahi rehta Pata lage thank you pauhanche, bhasam ho gaye! Aur main neend mein hoon, mujhe 4-5 linein lagi hai samajhne ke liye saala chal kya raha hai kul milake usne 225-250 shabd uss pre recorded announcement ne waste kare hain. .
. mujhe ye convey karne ke liye ki shaayad aapki maut ho sakti hai At such a crucial juncture of life you just can’t be wasting so many words, so much time, so much bandwidth Aap announcement hi Hindi mein karo "BHAAGO! " One word!
Thaa! Bullseye! Khatam!
Aap sochke dekho na. . .
Raat ke 2 baje. . .
anjaan hotel, anjaan kamra. . .
ghupp andhera. . .
aapke kamre mein chal raha hai "bhaago" aap g**nd-fatti mein bhaagoge No questions asked Aap girlfriend ko "Utho-utho! " "Kya hua? " "Bhaago bhaago.
. . " "Sab bhaago.
. . " Bahar pata kar lenge kya hua, bhai keh raha hai bhaago toh bhaago Bauhat zor se keh raha hai bhaago I wanted to take this announcement seriously I genuinely wanted to take this announcement.
. . which I highly recommend that you guys do the same agar aapke office mein ya kabhi hotel mein kahin pe bhi aapke saath aisa hua hai please do take this announcement seriously because life is not a joking matter, right?
I also wanted to take this announcement seriously Par. . .
kahin na kahin mujhe aisa lag raha tha ki kahi ye mock drill to nahi hai? Kyunki dekho backch**i ka koi time thodi hota hai Shuru se leke end tak joint roll karne mein lagte hai 7 minute Kisi ka ho gya hoga roll Unhone kaha mic laao baat karenge ab "Kis se? " "Sabse" Agar main raat ko 2:30-2:45 baje Naaptol walon ko phone kar sakta hoon.
. . Karma is a bitch, mere saath bhi ho hi sakta hai But nahi I had legit reasons also to believe that this might actually be a mock drill Kyunki iss wardaat se exactly 1 mahina 12 din pehle.
. . mere saath Chennai mein same cheez hui hai Main wahan show karne gaya tha toh shaam mein 4:30 baje hotel mein tha, waha pe announcement hoti hai ki ladies and gentlemen there’s a fire on the premises Please come downstairs Mere saath pehli baari hua hai Maine fire suna, main g**nd fatti mein pajama pehanke bahar, main kaha chalo ji chalo.
. . Naada-waada sambhala, main kaha haan-haan, chalo-chalo Main jaise hi darwaaza khola.
. . mujhe floor staff ne hi mana kar diya Kaha "jaao, jaao.
. . .
. . mock hai ye mock" "Din mein 6-6 baar karte hain, jaao-jaao.
. . Issi liye mujhe laga, main kaha ho sakta hai yeh bhi mock drill ho Main kaha koi nahi check kar lete hain Maine girlfriend uthaayi, main kaha “utho utho utho.
. . ” Keh rahi, "kya hogaya?
kya hogaya? " Main kaha, "Munh se thook saaf karo" "Haan, kya hua? kya hua?
" Appreciate your appreciation towards attention to detail, thank you very much! Aab aise halka halka easter egg pakad le rahe hain, very good! Main kaha "pre-recorded announcement keh rahe jaldi chalo.
. . " "Neeche emergency hai, jaldi chalo utho utho utho.
. . " Toh sabse pehle toh humein daldal mein se nikalne mein 10 minute lage "Zor lagao tum bhi" 1-2-3 karke.
. . .
. . humne maari jump, theek hai Acha!
Bed se utarke darwaza hai udhar Madam utarke udhar chaldi Wahan kahan ja rahi ho? Wahan khidki. .
. direct jaogi neeche? Keh rahi "Nahi woh main chappal pehen.
. . " Main kaha “Aaaaaaaggg.
. . ” Keh rahi "Neeche thand hogi kya?
Jacket rakh lu? " "AAAAAAAAGGGGG! " "Aag ke paas koi thand nahi lagti" "Aur baby ek bauhat badhiya baat bataaun.
. . .
. . aag ke beech mein to bilkul nahi lagti" "Banda tandoori chaap banke nikalta hai andar se" Inko kapda latta fashion chahiye iss time pe And I am going through multiple emotions here Half of me is genuinely shit scared "F**k yaar aag lag gayi" "Is it going to be my last day today?
" Spoilers! Uss time genuinely fatti padhi thi, "F**k yaar" Ghar pe baat bhi nahi kar sakta, so gaye honge 5 baje uthna hota unko Half of me genuinely s**t scared But the other half is super excited "Oh bhe***od aag lag gayi oye! " "Oh aaj toh mazza agaya.
. . " "Aaj toh badi Lohri manayenge oho!
" Neend se bachhe ko uthaoge, dekho vichitra vichaar to ayenge, main seedhi baat. . .
Anyway. . .
We went for the door hoping against hope ki bahar koi farishta khada ho jo kehde ki "mock hai, mock hai, jaao. . .
" Tch. . .
Jaise hi darwaza khula. . .
floor pe 10-12 log. . .
helter skelter chal raha, bhaag rahe hain har taraf 10-12 log. 5-6 Indians, 5-6 Foreigners Mai kaha bada glamour hai Kamre mein kya kar rahe ho? Raunak saari bahar lagi hui hai Par jaise hi maine ye 10-12 log dekhe na.
. . 5-6 Indian, 5-6 foreigner Mera.
. . .
. . apne desh ke intellect par se vishwas utth gaya .
. . ki ye jo 5-6 foreigner the na ye iss time pe bhi aadhi raat ko, aadhi neend mein emergency exit wali stairs dhoondh rahe hain Par ye jo 5-6 bhaaratvarshiye hain na yeh.
. . sab lift ke saamne button daba rahe hain Woh bhi upar neeche dono ke!
Inko lag raha hai aise jaldi pauhanchenge, jaldi bach jayenge Poori family ko leke Sati hone ja raha hai woh aadmi Uska chota bachha bhi hai Keh raha hai “Papa godi, Papa godi” Main. . .
"Tera daddy fuddu-fuddu" Toh main, chota baalak aur Tanya, ab log hum. . .
Main, chota baalak aur Swati, ab log hum neeche ja rahe hain Hum. . .
kahan se jaa rahe hai neeche? [Audience: Lift] Lift ke sadke jaun main tumhari akalon ke main. .
. Hey Paramaatma! Stairs se!
In case there is any confusion neeche ja rahe hai stairs se! Par. .
. 11th floor se 11th floor se neeche ja rahe hain By road aur by road wale shareer nahi reh gaye Sharaabein pi rakhi hain dabake. .
. drinking like a fish everyday Cigarettein pi rakhi hain dabake. .
. shareer nahi chimney hai yeh Thodi thodi der mein kahi se dhua automatic nikal jaata hai Physical fitness health pe zero aande ka focus hai Har step pe kutte ki tarah haanf rahe hain 9th floor tak toh aake halaat aise ho gayi thi ke iss se acha aag hi lag jaati Bhaisahab, koi ground floor ko bolo second floor tak aaye Saara hum hi jaayein, bhaisahab? Unka hotel nahi hai ye?
Acha ye sab chal raha hai ab baalak mere peeche padha hai Keh raha, “Uncle godi, uncle godi” Main. . .
"Tu utha saale! " "Dikh nahi raha uncle ka kutta bana padha hai yahan" "Ek toh uncle bol raha hai, upar se bhakch*di kar raha hai" Ye fir bhi theek hai Baalak hai, bachha hai, nadaan hai, umar ka kachha hai duniya nahi dekh rakhi iska maaf, iska excused Madam alag lagi hui hai Keh rahi hai, "2% battery reh gayi hai, jaake power bank le aayein? " Tum ho ‘swaaha’ pehle Kisko.
. . kisko phone karna hai tumne?
Neeche Yamraj khade hain bhainsa leke Unko kehna story daal denge, tag kar denge Can you believe ye sab mere saath ho raha hai. . .
Micro level pe personal level pe Hotel level pe, macro level pe kya chal raha hai. . .
Har floor se thode thode log judte chale ja rahe hain Aur logon ki background mein chal rahi hain theoriyaan Ki kya hua hoga Aha! Uss raat jo mujhe mila sneak peak into the minds of Indian uncles Uncle log alag tangent. .
. ek koi bilkul hi best aadmi Peeche se kehta hai, “Mujhe lagta hai kisi ki na surprise birthday party hogi” Isko saale ko iss time pe idea aa kaha se rahe hain yeh! Ki pehle logon ka kaato fir cake kaato Acha kuch unclon ka apna alag tangent "Lagta hai, Modi ji aaye hain" Arre kyun aayenge Modi ji?
! Woh desh ke pradhaan mantri hain Woh raat mein 2:30 baje hotel mein cappuccino peene aaye hain? Woh fakeer aadmi jhola leke chal padhte hain Jhola leke hotel thodi ajayenge woh!
Unko desh chalana hai, unko kaam rehta hai 4:00 baje unko workout karna hai Patthar pe lot te hain, mor naachta hai peeche, dekha hai humne Bauhat kaam unko rehta hai Unrealistic expectation hai logo ki pradhaan mantri ji se Ye sab chal raha hai theek hai uncle-wuncle chal rahe hain 4-5 maine ignore kardiye, ek. . .
par unme se theory mujhe lagi theek ek koi bilkul hi Aham-Brahmaasmi type aadmi. . .
ekdum. . .
gyaani gyaan devta. . .
peeche se kehta hai. . .
"Mujhe lagta hai. . .
" "kisi ne na. . .
" "non smoking room mein sutta jala liya hoga" Point hai Sabse pehle maine apna dabba faenka main kaha ye. . .
Yeh 2 iceburst ke chakkar mein na. . .
izzat ki nangi nilaami nahi kara sakte Par theory mujhe lagi theek Main kaha, "Aisa ho sakta hai, bilkul ho sakta hai ki kisi ne. . .
" "non smoking room mein sutta liya ho jala" Agar aisa hai na. . .
ke kisi ki 16 rupay ki Goldflake ke peeche. . .
meri neend kharaab hui hai, toh iss baat ki meri personal guarantee ki uski maut main cancer se to nahi hone dunga Khair, ye sab kuch kuch chal raha hai Ground floor pe pahunchta hoon toh kya dekhta hoon ki jo front desk concierge hai na. . .
wahan pe already 40-50 logo ki bheed jama ho rakhi hai Aur jaise chess mein ghoda chalta hai na dhai-dhai step Tircha bilkul. . .
woh bheed chaanti hui ek ladki bhaagi aayi meri taraf Bilkul dagad-dagad karti hui. . .
Badi speed se “Shaen” “Shaen-shaen” Aayi mere paas kehti. . .
"Oh My God! Are you Rahul Dua? " Maine Swati chupaayi main kaha, "Yes" "Yes-yes-I-I" "How can I be of help?
" Keh rahi, "Rahul, I am a huge fan. I follow you since Comicstaan. " "I follow your Instagram also, from both my profiles" "I’ve seen all your YouTube videos" "Can I please take a photo with you?
" Main. . .
"Didi aag lagi hui hai" Aur aapko toh kuch zyada hi Priorities kahan hain life mein? Yahan 40-50 logon ki life or death ka matter chal raha hai aap hain Instagram pe aurora filter kholke baithi ho. .
. aap karogi kya nahi nahi mujhe batao iss photo ka caption kya rakhogi? – “Lit scenes” Baat cheet chal rahi hai, we are in the middle of the conversation suddenly that hotel PA system, that speaker system comes to life again this time with a completely different announcement “Ladies and gentlemen request you to kindly go back to your respective bedrooms.
. . .
. . the emergency alarm tripped by mistake” Main kaha, “Mistake?
! ” Main 11 floor neeche aaya hoon Mere fefdon ne cardio kara hai iss time pe Aur toh aur meri najaayaz aulaad khadi hai yahan TU. AAG.
LAGA. Lohri manaane aaye thhe, manaake jayenge! Button kaise?
Button kaise nahi sambhal rahe humse? Na hotelon mein sambhal rahe hain, na polling booth pe sambhal rahe hain Kaise ho raha hai yeh? How.
. how is it. .
. How is this happening? I’ve never felt more helpless in my entire life Itne massive build-up ke baad aisa anti-climax!
Every man in the room was like "F**k yaar kuch hua hi nahi" But same massive build-up aur same anti-climax ke baad, every woman in the room was like. . .
"Humein to aadat hai! " Ke tum log jitna build up, build up, build up, build up, build up, build up Build up build up build up build up build up build up karte ho. .
. uske baad end mein by mistake tumhara MCB trip kar jata hai. .
.
