Aliens Thought Humans Were Harmless Until a Marine Explained What "War Crimes" Meant | HFY | SCI FI

the galactic diplomatic chamber buzzed with chatter as various alien species gathered for what they assumed would be another routine integration meeting the chamber with its high Crystal ceilings and floating holographic displays hosted representatives from across the known universe and now we discuss the matter of humans announced Ambassador srill his translucent tentacles Rippling with barely concealed Amusement the word humans emerged from his speech synthesizer as if it were discussing a particularly amusing pet A Chorus of chittering laughter echoed through the chamber Ambassador cre a towering insectoid with gleaming compound eyes tapped his mandibles together in what

passed for a smirk in his species ah yes the bipedal creatures who still get excited about achieving faster than light travel how quaint did you know chirped council member pixs her feathered Crest rising in excitement they still use projectile weapons actual physical projectiles can you imagine the Gathering of Galactic Representatives continued their friendly mockery sharing stories about human achievements as if discussing a child's crude crayon drawings Holograms displayed various human Technologies each met with more condescending commentary they're quite proud of their nuclear fish noted Ambassador atril causing another round of chittering laughter should we tell

tell them we used that for cooking food 10,000 years ago the doors to the chamber slid open with a soft hiss momentarily interrupting the jovial atmosphere a human male stroe in wearing the formal diplomatic uniform of the United Earth Coalition his name tag read James Rodriguez human military liaison James's boots clicked against the polished floor as he approached the central platform each step measured and purposeful his face wore expression that could only be described as the look of someone who knew a hilarious secret but wasn't allowed to share it yet ah human representative arrives Ambassador

zel announced his tentacles wiggling in what he thought was a welcoming gesture we were just discussing your species technological achievements most impressive for your development stage James smiled not the Diplomatic smile they were used to seeing from other human Representatives but the kind of smile a WF might give if it could smile thank you Ambassador always good to hear our allies perspectives on human capabilities council member picks fluttered down to peer at James more closely we understand you served in your planet's military forces how fascinating tell us what was it like using such traditional weapons

James's smile widened just a fraction ma'am I served with the Marine Corps for 15 years saw action in three different campaigns but you know what's really interesting he paused looking around the chamber the fact that none of you have asked why we have so many rules about how we fight Wars the chamber grew quieter the background chatter dying down as James's words hung in the air Ambassador C's antenna twitched rules for Warfare what an odd concept why would you need rules for such a primitive form of conflict resolution James Lee against the central platform his

posture relaxed but somehow making several of the alien diplomats feel unexpectedly nervous well funny story about that it all started because we kept coming up with too many creative ways to kill each other had to draw the line somewhere Ambassador Sill's tentacles stopped their amused wiggling creative ways oh yeah James nodded his eyes twinkling with barely suppressed mirth in fact if you're interested I'd love to explain why we had to specifically ban certain weapons and tactics it's quite the history lesson the chamber fell completely silent now the earlier mockery forgotten as James pulled out a

data pad should we start with the basic war crimes or jump straight to the really interesting stuff that made us write new laws Ambassador X Real's translation device might have been malfunctioning because surely the human wasn't suggesting perhaps we should begin with your B basic military protocols he suggested weakly nah James waved his hand dismissively letun start with why we had to ban creative uses of white phosphorus that's always a fun story at parties the gathered diplomats exchanged nervous glances suddenly the human didn't seem quite so primitive anymore Ambassador cre stepped forward eager to redirect

the conversation to more comfortable territory his mandibles clicked as he activ ated a holographic display showing Sleek crystalline ships firing beams of pure energy perhaps we should demonstrate our own methods of conflict resolution he chittered proudly our species has evolved Beyond crude physical combat we employ Precision energy weapons that cause minimal structural damage and temporary neural disruption James snorted quickly turning it into an unconvincing cough something amuses you human Rodriguez asked council member her feathers ruffling slightly no no James said waving his hand while his shoulders shook with suppressed laughter please continue explaining how your

weapons are designed to be what was it minimal damage Ambassador kill's tentacles wried with pride indeed our most advanced warships can incapacitate an enemy vessel without destroying it the crew experiences only minor discomfort see here here he gestured to another hologram showing a ship being enveloped in a soft blue light James lost it his laughter echoed through the chamber bouncing off the crystal walls several alien diplomats stepped back startled by the sudden Outburst I'm sorry he wheezed wiping tears from his eyes but you're telling me you deliberately made your weapons less lethal and you think

that's Advanced of course Ambassador cre stated firmly it shows our evolution superiority our conflicts end with minimal casualties James straightened up still chuckling right right hey quick question you folks ever hear of something called shotgun spread or better yet carpet bombing the aliens exchanged confused glances oh here's a fun one James continued pulling up his own holographic display this is what we humans call a Claymore Mine see the interesting part isn't just that it explodes it's the pattern of the shrapnel dispersion the chamber grew uncomfortably quiet as James began drawing diagrams in the air now

the really clever bit is the engineering behind the fragment tatio surely interrupted Ambassador Zill his tentacles now a pale shade of gray your species has moved Beyond such methods oh absolutely James nodded seriously these days we've got much more interesting toys want to hear about our advancements in autonomous drone swarms or maybe you'd be interested in our experiments with Sonic weapons council member pix's Crest deflated slightly Sonic weapons yeah see we figured out that certain frequencies can turn your internal organs into soup fascinating stuff really though personally I'm more impressed by our developments in thermobaric

explosives you know the ones that create a vacuum so powerful it ruptures your lungs the alien diplomats watched in growing horror as James enthus I asically explained human weapons development with the same tone one might use to describe a favorite hobby but wait Ambassador cre interrupted his compound eyes flickering rapidly your official reports indicate your military technology is still in its early stages James grinned oh man you actually believe those reports that's adorable hey want to know why we had to ban biological weapons this is a great story back in World War I perhaps Ambassador

srill cut in quickly his voice synthesizer crackling with stress we should take a brief recess already but I haven't even gotten to explain how we weaponized the weather did you know you can trigger earthquakes if you try hard enough the alien diplomats began backing away slowly as James pulled up more Holograms each showing increasingly disturbing examples of human military Innovation and this he said pointing to a particular ly complex diagram is just what we came up with for fun you should see what we developed when we were actually trying to kill each other your species

council member picks asked hesitantly developed these weapons for fun well sure nothing brings out human creativity like figuring out new ways to blow stuff up speaking of which have you guys heard about our space weapons programs because let me tell you about kinetic bombardment Ambassador Sill's translation device definitely wasn't malfunctioning now as it picked up James's enthusiastic descriptions of turning satellites into weapons platforms but but your species claims to be peaceful protested Ambassador cre James's grin turned predatory oh we are peaceful very peaceful we just like to make sure we have options you know just

in case would you like to hear about our contingency plans the chamber erupted in panicked Whispers as the alien diplomats began urgently updating their species threat Assessments in the center of it all James Rodriguez stood with his hands in his pockets whistling what sounded suspiciously like the Marine's hym don't worry he called out to the retreating diplomats I haven't even gotten to the really good stuff yet Ambassador exil having somewhat recovered his composure during the brief recess raised his tentacles for attention perhaps human Rodriguez you could explain these rules of warfare you mentioned earlier the

Geneva conventions James brightened sure it's pretty simple really see we kept coming up with so many creative ways to kill each other that eventually someone said hey maybe we should set some boundaries council member pix nervously pred her feathers and these boundaries were basic stuff really no poisonous gas no shooting Medics no torturing prisoners no intentionally targeting civilians you know Common Sense things that apparently we needed to write down because someone kept doing them anyway the chamber fell into a horrified silence you you needed written rules to not do these things Ambassador cre mandibles clicked

rapidly in distress oh yeah and the funny part James leaned forward conspiratorially we had to keep updating them because humans kept finding loopholes Ambassador xr's color shifted to a sickly pale shade loopholes in not committing atrocities exactly James pulled out his data pad again like take flamethrowers for example we couldn't technically ban them completely because they were legitimate weapons of war but we had to make very specific rules about not using them against civilians because well you can probably guess why I I don't think I want to whispered council member pix then there's the whole

thing with expanding bullets see regular bullets weren't causing enough damage for some folks taste so they started designing ones that would expand inside the body had to specifically ban those too Ambassador cre antenna drooped your species deliberately engineered projectiles to cause more pain more pain nah that was just a bonus we were really going for maximum tissue damage James PA paed thoughtfully though I guess that gas that made your skin melt off was probably more about the pain several alien diplomats looked like they might be sick assuming their species had that capability but hey James

continued cheerfully that's why we made the rules though it did lead to some interesting debates like technically you're not allowed to use serrated bayonets because they cause unnecessary suffering but smooth bayonets totally fine your species Ambassador srill said slowly needed to specify what kind of knife you could attach to your projectile weapons knife James laughed no no a bayonets way bigger than a regular knife want to see the diagrams for optimal penetration angles no chorused several diplomats simultaneously your loss the field manual illustrations are fascinating especially the ones about proper technique for well never mind

probably best not to get into that before lunch a young diplomatic Aid scurried up to Ambassador cre Whispering urgently the ambassador's compound eyes widened our research team just found references to something called the hag conventions these were different rules oh man James grinned those were the warm-up rules see before we got to Geneva we had to establish basic stuff like not using poon weapons not shooting surrendering soldiers not bombing undefended towns you know the really obvious things that apparently weren't obvious enough the aid fainted but the best part James continued seemingly oblivious to the growing

distress around him we had to make these rules retroactive because every time there was a war someone would come up with some new horrific thing and everyone would go wow we should probably ban that for next time next time Ambassador shr's voice synthesizer crackled you made rules assuming there would be a next time well yeah I mean we're not Savages we like to know what's allowed and what isn't before we start fighting James paused though I guess that whole thing with the war crime trials after World War II proved that some folks weren't really paying

attention to the rules there were so many violations you needed special trials council member asked faintly special trials new classifications updated definitions listen you haven't lived until you've sat through a three-hour lecture on the specific legal difference between legitimate military Target and protected civilian infrastructure James chuckled the PowerPoint presentations alone could probably qualify as psychological warfare the chamber had grown so quiet you could hear the soft woring of environment Al systems but hey James said brightly at least we're making progress these days most Nations mostly follow most of the rules most of the time usually

unless they think they can get away with it or they're really angry or bored or Tuesday Ambassador Israel's tentacles had completely lost their color your species created such horrific weapons and tactics that you needed multiple International treaties just to establish basic limits on warfare and you still sometimes ignore them well when you put it that way it sounds bad James Shrugged but look on the bright side at least we're trying to regulate our Wars would you like to hear about the stuff we did before we had rules no shouted every conscious being in the chamber

your loss the story about the development of Greek Fire is particularly interesting did you know we figured out how to make water burn the sound of multiple alien translation devices crashing filled the air as their operators processed that last statement look Ambassador srill said desperately trying to regain control of the situation perhaps we should focus on your current military capabilities surely your modern methods are more restrained James scratched his chin thoughtfully well just last week our weapons R and D Department accidentally created a new type of explosive while trying to develop better coffee Creer coffee

Creer Council member picks asked weakly yeah turns out the chemical composition was surprisingly similar to you know what never mind the point is we're pretty good at finding military applications for everyday things give a human Soldier some duct tape and a paperclip and they'll build you a weapon of mass destruction Ambassador cre mandibles clattered nervously surely you're exaggerating am I though James pulled up another hologram this is what we call a potato gun completely harmless hobby project right now let me show you what happens when you modify it slightly the resulting demonstration caused three more

diplomatic aids to faint and that's just what we do for fun wait until you see our actual military innovations anyone interested in learning about depleted uranium rounds please Ambassador Real's tentacles were now completely white no more weapons demonstrations fine fine how about something simpler like our advancements in orbital kinetic bombardment we call it rods from God basically we Dro tungsten rods from space and let gravity do the work no explosives required the chamber erupted in chaos as various alien species tried to process the concept of weaponizing gravity itself the best part James continued seemingly oblivious

to the Panic is that technically it doesn't violate any space weapons treaties because apparently nobody thought to ban dropping metal sticks from orbit a frantic diplomatic Aid rushed in with a data tablet Ambassador srill our analysts just finished processing their report on Human Weapon development patterns and xil asked dreading the answer they say humans have weaponized nearly every scientific discovery they've ever made even their medical advancements have military applications James nodded enthusiastically oh yeah you should see what our pharmaceutical companies can do when they put their minds to it did you know we originally developed

superglue for closing Battlefield wounds the aid made a strangled noise and ran from the chamber but my personal favorite James said warming to his subject is how we figured out you could use weather satellites for targeting systems talk about dual use technology Ambassador C's compound eyes started rapidly changing colors your species weaponized weather monitoring equipment well yeah we pretty much weaponize everything eventually it's kind of our thing give us any new technology and within a week someone will figure out how to make it explode council member pix's feathers were now completely flat against her body

even peaceful Technologies especially peaceful Technologies those are the best ones to wear weaponized because nobody expects it like that time we figured out you could use commercial GPS systems to guide missiles the chamber's emergency alert system suddenly blared to life as multiple species simultaneously upgraded Humanity's threat assessment level oh come on James protested over the noise I haven't even gotten to the really creative stuff yet want to hear about our experiments with antimatter antimatter shrieked several diplomats in unison just small amounts barely enough to level a continent James paused that was a joke by the

way antimatter weapons are still theoretical mostly probably we think Ambassador Sill's translation device gave up entirely and started emitting a high-pitched wine though if you really want to be impressed James added helpfully you should see what we can do with a microwave and some common household chemicals please stop Ambassador cre finally shouted his professional demeanor cracking completely what I'm just trying to be thorough in explaining our capabilities hey did I mention we once accidentally weaponized Silly String that was a fun day at the lab the chambers emergency evacuation protocols activated as the alien diplomats finally

reached their Breaking Point as Sirens wailed and emergency lights flashed James stood in the center of the chaos hands in his pockets whistling cheerfully was it something I said he called out to the retreating forms I haven't even shown you guys our PowerPoint presentations yet the sound of running feet and panicked aliens screaming was his only answer 3 days after what was now being called the Rodriguez incident the galactic Council convened an emergency session to update Humanity's classification in their species database Ambassador srill still looking slightly pale stood before the MBL Representatives based on recent

Revelations we propos the following changes to Humanity's threat assessment he activated a holographic display showing the new classification Humanity classification oh no Threat Level yes diplomatic advisory just agree with whatever they want special notes they weaponized coffee creamer additional warning species appears to view the laws of physics as polite suggestions rather than actual laws furthermore Ambassador cre added his mandibles still twitching nervously we recommend immediate approval of all reasonable human requests and some unreasonable ones just to be safe council member picks whose feathers had yet to fully refluff raised a wing what about Rodriguez ah

yes Ambassador zil said checking his notes following the incident the human diplomatic Corp has promoted him to Chief liaison officer apparently they were impressed by his honest and open communication style a collective shudder ran through the chamber on the bright side Ambassador cre offered at least now we know why humans kept insisting on including that please don't blow up our planet clause in all their treaties yes sril agreed though I'm more concerned about their request to add a no back Seas addendum to the non-proliferation agreement the chamber doors slid open open and James Rodriguez stroe

in now wearing a shiny new diplomatic badge hey everyone he called out cheerfully just wanted to let you know I've prepared a comprehensive presentation on human industrial capabilities anyone interested in learning how we turned a soft drink Factory into a Munitions plant in under 48 Hours the chamber emptied in record time James stood alone in the center of the room grinning he pulled out his communicator and dialed Earth mission accomplished General they've upgraded our classification from Mostly harmless to oh God please no also they've approved our request for unrestricted access to their trade routes he

paused listening no sir I didn't have to show them the folder marked actual weapons the coffee creamer story was enough another pause yes sir I'll make sure to mention the spork incident at next week's meeting Rodriguez out as he walked out of the ch James started whistling again this time When Johnny Comes Marching Home behind him the holographic display still flickered emergency protocol update in the event of human conflict hide and hope they don't notice you PS do not ask about the spork incident