The Cooperation Paradigm: How to Get People to Listen & Cooperate | Janine Driver | TEDxWilmington

imagine it's winter 1993 side of Waco Texas you're witnessing a brutal showdown between ATF and cult leader David Koresh as innocent lives are lost on both sides the smell of sulfur from all the shooting cuts into your nostrils so much so that you can taste metal in the back of your throat the hostage negotiators on the phone talking to David Koresh right now David if I could get your words read on the radio what would you say uh-huh you're the Lamb of God and hunt you're here to free the seven seals David you're trustworthy and

a man of your word right when David Koresh says yes to these two questions it is critical because it results in 18 children being freed every time David Koresh's words were read on the radio two more children were released see when people feel they matter and belong cooperation will be strong Thanksgiving 2016 you're in the suburbs of Washington DC a mother's outside for 11 year old son's room listening in she heard a faint click click click sound and she slowly opens the door she spots her son slumped over the bed the clicking came from a

video game controller which was practically super glued to his hands the last five hours she loses her mind Angus for the love of God you are addicted to video games she begins screaming at Angus for over 20 minutes because Angus look up at her and said why what'd you say he wasn't even listening the mother ruined Thanksgiving and when she stormed out of the room the little boys felt isolated and dejected a cult leader and an 11 year old boy who's an addict perhaps you're wondering what are these two stories have in common perhaps the

better question is why are we saying good stuff to the bad guys and bad stuff to the good guys I wasn't here with my fellow ATF colleagues in Waco Texas however that hostage negotiator Jim Cavanaugh years later became a mentor and friend to me see I'm the kind of person who can take you down with my words are you like me or do you know someone like me this has resulted and in travesties in college I got fired from a job I was mortified to call my parents my mother cried through the whole call when

I worked for ATF my coworkers many of them were intimidated by me well that part I kind of liked a little see the way Jim Cavanaugh spoke to David Koresh inspired me to look at my world in a different way have you ever had a mentor that did that for you he inspired me to reexamine the way I deal with conflict and the way that I get people to cooperate what Jim Cavanaugh shared with me changed my life and I'm here to share it with you I call it the cooperation paradigm imagine how your lives

would be different if you were able to tear down barriers to cooperation with everyone you interact with here's how it works I thought we'd do a little experiment let's imagine some of you are on your cell phones today I know it's gonna be hard to imagine okay what I want to do is I'm pouring my heart out up here you not paying attention you're on your cell phones here's how I might address you very angrily not using the cooperation paradigm really sir you're not even looking at me while I'm on stage and you people are

on your cell phones who raised you you're embarrassing yourself you're so narcissistic and rude don't ever think you'll get a spot on this stage how'd that feel not so good right you don't even know me I'm a stranger not to being pounded with this kind of negativity by your mother your father a teacher a mentor and they don't even know they're talking to you this way I'm a stranger stranger danger now let's use the cooperation paradigm shake that off that didn't feel so good same thing you're on your phones here's how a hostage negotiator might

do it sir how are you enjoying today the 11:00 it's fun right guys having fun today throughout the day yes yeah you got I love this audience I love there's people in the back and you guys look like the kind of people who were able to cooperate because you respect what Ted stands for am i right you respect what Ted stands for not only are you saying yes you're cheering and now you'll put down your phones see what just happened is I positively primed your brain and now I can affect how you and perceive short-term

thoughts and actions when I spoke to dr. Andrew Newberg he wrote the book how words can change your brain he explained to me that when we use negative tones and negative words like in my first example the amygdala fires in our brain the amygdala is like the incident commander and law-enforcement monitoring the scene of the crime looking for any subtle increase in danger when here's negative tones and negative words the threat level spikes go ahead and get me an explosion of chemicals related to fear anxiety and sadness over you're not hearing me you're too busy

fearing me however when the brain hears positive tones and positive words the threat goes down in the amygdala makes a different call prefrontal cortex are you out there good buddies for prefrontal cortex over the prefrontal cortex is the calm and clear hostage negotiator of the brain strategic and it takes over well this is their prefrontal cortex I can take it from here buddy now you're hearing me because your brain and body are in harmony does that make sense no wonder why Angus didn't hear a word his mother said she came in screaming with negative tones

and negative words I think the former prime minister of India put it best Indira Gandhi when she said you can't shake hands with a clenched fist let's pull the curtain back a little further to how the cooperation paradigm works so you ready yeah say yes Janeane he writes how it goes we'll go back to the cooperation paradigm when I use it with you first I said to this handsome gentleman right here I said how are you enjoying the day right enjoy the day and I said is it fun I'm asking positive questions and notice how

I said how when you weren't conflict with someone or you want them to cooperate use what and how questions not why questions why questions come across as you're judging me why did he get your haircut why'd you hang that chandelier over your dining room table why for the love of God are you giving him another chance do you feel it the judgment so my motto is allow what and how and say bye to why repeat after me Allah what and how and say buh-bye why do this go bye-bye wife ya know why Allah what and

how say bye to why the second step is I assigned you two traits I wanted you to have maybe you heard it I said what you look like the kind of audience who's able to pay attention because what you respect what Ted stands for now I've assigned you the traits your brain has been primed I can influence your short-term thoughts and ultimately down your phone and not feel judged let's go back to that little 11 year old boy outside of Washington DC Angus my son I definitely did not bring my a-game to my parenting approach

that Thanksgiving thankfully my college roommate was visiting me when I was done - screaming like a lunatic she gave me a hug we're on the hug program she hugged me just Janine I love you honey but you need to talk to Angus like a hostage negotiator like you teach law enforcement and human resources you taught me Janine when people feel they matter and belong cooperation will be strong she added when you say he's addicted to video games you're calling him an addict how many of you have said words and anger and you didn't even think

of the words that came out of your mouth we've been there right well thankfully I had that pep talk in a nick of time because a week went by and my sister called the youngest I'm the oldest of three girls and I'm on the phone with her and I'm never forgets a quick thing started again faintly through the wall I'm like you gotta be kidding me so I said to my sister hold on I put her in my pocket and I I get ready to go into anguses room and I stopped and I pause what

do I want to assign him what question do I want to ask him and I went into his room I went in for the wind when I went in I went over to Angus and I said hey honey how are you doing he said good I go what kind of game are you playing notice I'm using how and what questions he goes it's mom be Apokolips mom it's awesome tells me all about it then I said how do you win the game Angus do you have to do you have to hide from the zombies or

kill the zombies he said oh no you got to do both I go so you understand the importance of balance I just did what a signed on my first trade and then I said as a matter of fact you're so strategic Angus even your teachers tell me you make smart decisions isn't this true when Angus gives me these two yeses they're critical because it results in Angus putting down his video game controller and saying I've been kind of doing this for a while I think I'll go out swimming drama-free hello I forgot my sister's in

my pocket I think it's on pause and mute and it's not she's a mother of three girl she heard every single word I said when I picked up the phone I'll never forget these wise words she said to me you have got to be [ __ ] me because she walks around assigning her daughter's the traits she doesn't want to have and she doesn't even realize what she's saying Janine how did you do that dude and I responded I'm not telling you you don't have to be a hostage negotiator in law enforcement to use the

cooperation paradigm you just need to have with Jim Cavanaugh house and I see it in all of you today kindness are you kind all you need is a little kindness here's how it works I want you to rally your inner hostage negotiator the next time you have a conflict do you want someone to cooperate and I want you to remember the three steps one ask a positive question using a how or what and say by do i David Koresh was asked by Jim Cavanaugh what do you want your words to be if I could get

them read on the radio step to a sign that the person in your life a positive trait you want them to have Jim Cavanaugh said to David Koresh you're trustworthy and a man of your word right step three get them to agree this is where their brain has been positively primed and you can get them to cooperate I was going to end my talk today with a completely different ending and yesterday we had a rehearsal in here dress rehearsal all the speakers and we got feedback and Angus is with me here in this trip we

came in from Washington DC and after I spoke I went out in the hall and he came up to me Andy ghost month you did a pretty good job there I go thanks Angus he goes yeah and tomorrow when you do the wheel talk I won't tell anyone the part you made up the part that's not true I was like um this is awkward because other speakers around me ah thank saying yes what's the part I made up and he said you didn't ruin Thanksgiving we had a great Thanksgiving and I don't even remember you

yelling at me sometimes the weight we give to the things we said to people in the past is way more exaggerated than reality so whoever's coming into your head while I'm on stage whether you're thinking of the last word you said to your mother or something you said to your father earlier today or your significant other or even your son or daughter how about you forgive yourself because the cooperation paradigm isn't about yesterday or an hour ago it's about right now and what you do tomorrow and the days beyond I believe small acts can change

the world this is my Angus who's your Angus [Applause]