Trump Owes His Election Win to Groceries

-Good evening, everybody else. I'm Seth Meyers. This is "Late Night.

" We hope you're doing well. And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news. President Biden last week attended his final White House tree lighting ceremony as president and his first one as the Ghost of Christmas Past.

[ Laughter ] [ As Biden ] Hey, hey, Jack. You gotta change the way you're doing. I want to it -- [indistinct].

[ Normal voice ] In a new interview, President-elect Trump confirmed that his kids won't have roles in the White House and added, "I'll miss them. " You know you can still see your kids even if they don't work for you, right? [ As Trump ] Sorry, Tiffany.

Better luck in my third term. [ Normal voice ] In a new interview, President-elect Trump said that he won the 2024 election because he talked about groceries and added, "You know who uses the word? I started using the word, the groceries.

" Oh, my God, why does he think he discovered everything he finds out about? He's the kind of guy who recommends a cool new restaurant to the other people at the restaurant. [ As Trump ] You got to try this place.

[ Normal voice ] "We are. " That's right, President-elect Trump said that he won the 2024 election, "on groceries. " Oh, really?

Because I watched some of those rallies, and I don't think that's what he was on. [ Laughter ] The First Lady, Dr Jill Biden, was photographed talking with President-elect Trump over the weekend at the reopening of Notre Dame Cathedral in France. Said Biden, "No, my phone doesn't have any games on it.

" [ As Trump ] Bummer because this is mostly in a language I don't speak. [ Laughter ] New York Mayor Eric Adams last week attended the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting, as if we needed any more evidence that he doesn't actually live in New York. During a press conference last week, New York Mayor Eric Adams praised Elon Musk and said Musk can, "Take us to Mars.

" Meanwhile, Adams can't even get us to Broadway, Lafayette. The New York Mets have reportedly signed former Yankees star Juan Soto to a 15-year, $765 million contract. And if you're wondering how they can afford that, Mr Mets started an OnlyFans.

[ Laughter ] Why is that blurred? He's clearly wearing pants. Oh, unless that's the -- that's what he looks like naked.

That's his color. We don't know what color he is. He might be blue.

Or it's just a bad graphic, I don't know. A pair of ruby slippers from "The Wizard of Oz" recently sold at auction for $28 million. Who on earth has that kind of.

. . ?

Oh, right. Of course, yeah. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] We didn't want to put Juan Soto in a uniform?

[ Laughter ] Alright. It's between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is when our audience is the most international.

And yet we hoped they'd recognize Juan Soto. [ Laughter ] Not even in his outfit. That's another guy's outfit.

We should have blurred that. A pug that went missing in California four weeks ago was recently found in Oregon, more than 400 miles from its home. So maybe that's why it was so out of breath.

[ Panting ] All pugs just ran 400 miles. First Lady Dr Jill Biden recently unveiled the White House holiday decorations, which include a gingerbread house made with 10 sheets of sugar, cookie dough and 65 pounds of icing. And it already sold in a cash offer $200,000 over asking price.

Yeah, you guys want to know something? I also didn't think that one was going to work. [ Laughter ] And I would have said something, but I was too caught up with all the Soto problems.

[ Laughter ] At some point the inbox is too full. And finally, Frontier Airlines announced last week that it will add first class seating. But don't get too excited At frontier, that just means oxygen masks.

There we go. That was a monologue, everyone. We had some hiccups we're also having a good time.

Got a great show for you tonight. He's an actor, a fantastic actor you know from "Rocketman" and "The Kingsman" movie. Currently, he's starring in.

. . "Carry On," which hits Netflix this week.

[ Laughter ] It's "Carry On" and all day I've been saying it wrong. I've been saying carry on. But it's not that.

It's carry on. Taron Edgerton will be here, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] They're entrepreneurs, actors and pop culture icons who are back together in "Paris and Nicole: The Encore," which premieres on Peacock this Thursday.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will be joining us. How about that? Before we get to it, guys.

You guys, there's so much news happening, including Donald Trump's first major sit-down interview since the election, in which he said he would deport American citizens and admitted that he could not guarantee that Americans won't pay higher prices thanks to his policies. So, about what we thought. For more on this, it's for "A Closer Look.

" ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] We've been on holiday break since Thanksgiving, and a lot has happened while we were gone. Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter. The Assad regime fell in Syria.

Trump's nominee for Secretary of Defense swore that he'll stop getting [bleep] faced at 10:00 a. m. if, and only if, he gets the job.

Trump picked a guy named Kash Patel for FBI director, who always looks like he just sat on his own balls. [ Laughter ] He looks like the guy they cut to in an '80s sex comedy right after a woman's top falls off. [ Laughter ] He looks like he just got an eye transplant from Rudy Giuliani.

[ Laughter ] [ As Giuliani ] "What can I say? What can I say? I needed the money.

I gotta warn you, though, there's no lids. You gotta keep 'em wet with a spray bottle. " The NYPD has been wandering through Central Park in search of evidence in the United Health Care CEO shooting like they're teenagers looking for a lost Frisbee during a game of Ultimate.

Guys, isn't your budget like, $11 billion? That's the pace my aunt browses through a trinket shop in New Paltz. "Do you think this brooch goes well with my caftan?

What about this brooch? " [ Chuckles ] Donald Trump sat down for his first major interview as president-elect, where he was asked to reassure worried Americans that his policies would not make things worse, and said, and this is an exact quote. .

. And when I heard that, I made the same face as Kash Patel. [ Laughter ] Can't guarantee tomorrow?

When Trump said "Make America great again," was he only talking about until the close of business hours? And last but not least, Juan Soto signed a record-breaking 15-year deal with the Mets. And guess which of every story I just mentioned my crew wanted me to talk about today.

I came in this morning, my security guards, John and Jim, said, "We got him. " And I said, "The assassin? " And they said, "No, Juan Soto.

" [ Laughter ] And I said, "765 million? That's a lot of money. " And they said, "To [bleep] over the Yankees?

That's a bargain! " [ Laughter ] So there's a lot going on. [ Item clanks ] Aah!

[ Laughter ] Oh, no, that means -- I think that means I'm cursed for a million years. Don't knock over the mummy. [ Laughter ] We've been on a week's hiatus, and I might add something here, I've got a little rust.

[ Laughter ] So, there's a lot going on, but let's start with the Trump interview. As you may recall, Trump insisted during the campaign that, despite the warnings of economists and common sense, his tariffs would not make prices go up. He promised they'd actually go down.

-We've got to get those costs down, and I'm gonna get them down. We're gonna bring those costs way down. When I win, I will immediately bring prices down starting on day one.

-Do you believe Americans can afford higher prices because of tariffs? -They're not gonna have higher prices. We have to get the prices down.

Where bacon is up m-- Oh, bacon. We don't order bacon anymore. It's too expensive, right?

But it's all up too much, and we're gonna get it down. We're gonna take care of inflation and quickly, and we're gonna get those prices coming down very, very substantially and very quickly. If I win, we will rapidly defeat inflation, and I will make America affordable again.

We're gonna make it affordable. We've got to bring those costs down. [ Cheers and applause ] They call it groceries.

Bacon, lettuce, tomato, all the -- Everything is so much higher than it ever was, and we're gonna bring that down. -The only groceries he can think of are the ingredients in a BLT. [ Laughter ] The guy made one campaign stop in one diner, and now he thinks those are the only foods people eat.

[ As Trump ] "The prices are too high for BLTs, tuna melts, Reubens, hash browns, short stacks, disco fries, and, of course, those tiny cups of coleslaw. Tiny. .

. tiny coleslaw! [ Laughter ] Mostly cabbage.

Tiny, tiny piece of carrot. [ Laughter ] They use a million heads of cabbage. Just one carrot.

" [ Laughter ] Trump seems to have very specific food obsessions. Even when he's reading off a list written by his advisers that he's clearly seeing for the first time, you can tell what he likes to eat by the way certain price hikes just break his heart. -Chicken is way up.

Canned fruits are up 27%. Butter is up 30%. Crackers.

Who would think it'd be about crackers? Crackers are up 40%. Oh, that's terrible.

-Well. . .

[ Laughter ] Why are crackers the breaking point? Why are crackers the food that most tugs at Trump's heartstrings? [ As Trump ] "It's so sad, no one's buying the crackers anymore.

Thanks to Sleepy Joe Biden, the Keebler Elves have lost their jobs. I remember an elf came up to me -- tiny elf, little elf tears pouring from his beady little eyes, down -- down onto his yellow tie and red vest that only has one button for some reason -- he said to me. .

. he said to me, "Sir, the bank foreclosed on our tree house. Now I have to live on a shelf.

" [ Laughter ] Anyway, you heard him. You heard Trump. Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ] For the elves. For the elves. Anyway, you heard Trump.

He was clear about very few things during his campaign, but this was one thing he never waffled on -- prices would not go up if he won. That is a Trump guarantee. -You are now proposing tariffs against the United States' three biggest trading partners.

Economists of all stripes say that ultimately consumers pay the price of tariffs. -Yeah, I don't believe it. -Can you guarantee American families won't pay more?

-I can't guarantee anything. I can't guarantee tomorrow. -What?

When you were campaigning, you were guaranteeing everything -- prices will come down, America will be respected. And now that you've won, you're coming off like an inspirational Instagram post. [ As Trump ] "Tomorrow is not guaranteed, my friend.

Live to the fullest. " It's not a great sign when the incoming president talks like a depressed existential philosopher. He sounds like a character from a French New Wave film.

[ French accent ] "No, no, please tell me, can you guarantee you will never leave Paris? " [ Laughter ] [ As Trump, speaking in French ] [ Applause ] Trump suddenly can't guarantee that his policies won't do the one thing he consistently promised not to do, and the one thing everyone said they would do. And that's for an obvious reason.

Tariffs raise prices. Everyone knows that. If you want to argue that tariffs are necessary to curtail foreign imports of stuff like cars or steel in order to boost domestic production of those things, then fine.

But you can't argue they magically lower prices when they do the opposite. Why the hell am I explaining this? No one cares.

[ Laughter ] [ Muttering ] Like, "Oh, I think we made a mistake. I think we did. " [ Laughter ] Looking for logic in Trump's answers is like looking for evidence in Central Park.

"Anything over there, Bob? " "No, I'm gonna give this bush a little shake. " [ Laughter ] "Run your nightstick through the flowers.

Ah! " [ Chuckles ] I guess Trump can't guarantee that prices won't go up, because he's too busy working on his plan to deport American citizens. Although, watch him explain how this plan would work, as it slowly dawns on him in real time that it would be an absolute disaster.

-Let me ask you about another group of people, the estimated 4 million families in America who have mixed immigration status. So I'm talking about parents who might be here illegally, but the kids are here legally. Your border czar -- -You're talking about separation.

-Well, I mean, there are two aspects to this. Your border czar, Tom Homan, said they can be deported together. -Correct.

-Is that the plan? -That way you keep the -- No. Well, I don't want to be breaking up families, so the only way you don't break up the family is you keep them together and you have to send them all back.

-Even kids who are here legally? -Well -- Well, what are you gonna do if they want to stay with their father? Look, we have to have rules and regulations.

You can always find something out. Like, you know, this doesn't work, that doesn't work. I'll tell you what's going to be horrible -- when we take a wonderful young woman who's with a criminal, and they show the woman, and she could stay by the law, but they show the woman being taken out, or they want her out, and your cameras are focused on her as she's crying, as she's being taken out of our country, and then the public turns against us.

-[ As Trump ] "That's right. Before we do anything, we have to deport the cameras. " [ Laughter ] I mean, yeah, bud, you're right.

It's gonna be horrible. Did you forget you were describing your own plan? [ As Trump ] "Whoever came up with that idea is gonna regret it.

That's one stupid son of a bitch. I mean, it's gonna be horrible when they try to deport a wonderful young person who's legally allowed to stay, who's struggling to get by because she's spending her entire budget on. .

. -Crackers. -Obviously.

. . Obviously, Trump lied about bringing prices down.

His tariffs are a fake solution. If he really wanted to bring prices down, he could choose instead to tackle corporate profit and price gouging, but his cabinet will have more billionaires than any administration in history. Trump doesn't really care about the challenges working people face.

He only cares about five things -- tariffs, deportations. . .

-Bacon, lettuce, tomato. -This has been "A Closer Look.