The Vaccine Conspiracy Train Makes Stops At Ivermectin, Chimpanzees, And "I Am Legend"

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Stephen launches his brand-new, conspiracy-ridden monologue segment "Disinformation Station" with a look at the latest Covid-19 vaccine theories circulating online. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW. I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SOMETHING INCREDIBLE HAPPENED IN THE U.S. SENATE. BECAUSE THEY PASSED A $1.2 TRILLION INFRASTRUCTURE BILL. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TO PUT THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE: IF YOU TOOK 1.2 TRILLION $1 BILLS AND LAID THEM END TO END, THEY'D MAKE BETTER ROADS THAN WHAT WE'RE DRIVING ON NOW. WHICH WHY WE NEED THE BILL. NOW, SOMETHING. THIS WASN'T A 50-50 PARTY LINE SPLIT. THE NUMBER OF SENATORS WHO VOTED FOR THE BILL WAS 69. >> Jon: YEAH. NICE! THAT BIPARTISANSHIP IS STILL POSSIBLE. IN FACT, 19 REPUBLICAN SENATORS JOINED EVERY DEMOCRAT IN FAVOR. THE LAST TIME THAT MANY REPUBLICANS CROSSED THE AISLE IN CONGRESS, IT WAS TO STEAL NANCY PELOSI'S PODIUM. (LAUGHTER) EVEN, EVEN-- . >> Jon: THAT REALLY HAPPENED. >> Stephen: TRUE EVEN SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH McCONNELL VOTED IN FAVOR OF THE LEGISLATION. MAKES SENSE. I MEAN TROLLS LOVE BRIDGES. LOOKED GOOD, HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD. >> Jon: COME ON G.O.P. SENATORS SAY THIS VOTE PROVES THAT THE SENATE WORKS, AND THERE'S NO NEED FOR DEMOCRATS TO CONSIDER GETTING RID OF THE FILIBUSTER. TAKE WEST VIRGINIA SENATOR SHELLEY MOORE CAPITO, SEEN HERE, WONDERING WHERE HER GLASSES ARE. AFTER STRIKING THE DEAL, CAPITO EXPLAINED, "WHAT YOU SEE IS WHEN WE WORK TOGETHER AND REALLY PUT THE NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE, WE CAN GET BIPARTISAN SUPPORT TO MOVE FORWARD." YES, THEY CAN WORK TOGETHER WHEN REPUBLICANS GO TO THE SENATE AND PUT THE NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE, INSTEAD OF GOING TO MAR-A-LAGO AND PUTTING THE NOSE TO THE HIND HOLE. (APPLAUSE) CAPITO CONTINUED, "SO I THINK IT BLUNTS THE ARGUMENT ON THE FILIBUSTER." NOT NECESSARILY. THIS ISN'T SOME HUGE ACHIEVEMENT. IT'S THE BARE MINIMUM WE EXPECT. SENATES ALWAYS PASS THE ROAD BILL. INFRASTRUCTURE SPENDING IS A GREAT AMERICAN TRADITION THAT GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO WHEN WASHINGTON PAVED THE DELAWARE. THE BILL WOULD ALSO INVEST $66 BILLION IN PASSENGER AND FREIGHT RAIL. WELL, THERE YOU GO. TRAINS. THAT'S PRESIDENT BIDEN'S PASSION. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN REAGAN HONORED NATIONAL JELLYBEAN DAY OR WHEN BILL CLINTON STARTED THE WHITE HOUSE INTERN PROGRAM. THE NEW-- THERE YOU GO. 20 YEARS, IS THAT A 20 YEAR OLD JOKE, A 20 YEAR OLD JOKE, THERE YOU GO. AGE AGED BEAUTIFULLY. THE NEW TRAIN MONEY WOULD ELIMINATE AMTRAK'S MAINTENANCE BACKLOG AND MODERNIZE THE NORTHEAST CORRIDOR LINE. SO, NORTHEAST COMMUTERS WILL HAVE BEAUTIFUL NEW SEATS FOR RANGERS FANS TO PUKE ON. THE BILL ALSO HAS MONEY TO IMPROVE AMERICANS' ACCESS TO BROADBAND. BUT THE BILL HASN'T PASSED THE HOUSE YET, SO YOU'RE GOING WANT TO BE HOME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:00 A.M. AND 2024. THERE'S ALSO FUNDING FOR ELECTRIC SCHOOL BUSES. AND TO MAKE IT EXTRA ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY, THE BULLIES WILL SHOOT SPIT BALLS AT YOU WITH PAPER STRAWS, AND THE WEDGIES WILL BE GLUTEN-FREE. TODAY, THE SENATE ALSO PASSED A $3.5 TRILLION BUDGET PLAN, WHICH WOULD EXPAND HEALTH CARE, PROVIDE FREE PRESCHOOL AND COMMUNITY COLLEGE, AND FUND CLIMATE CHANGE PROGRAMS. (APPLAUSE) SOUNDS GOOD, EXCEPT THE PART ABOUT FUNDING CLIMATE CHANGE. PERSONALLY I THINK WE SHOULD FIGHT IT, BUT WE ALL HAVE TO COMPROMISE. THE PLAN WAS PASSED AFTER A SERIES OF RAPID-FIRE VOTES KNOWN AS A VOTE-A-RAMA THAT LASTED MORE THAN 14 HOURS. IN FACT, SENATORS EVEN HAD EXTRA PADDING ON THEIR CHAIRS TO MAKE THE ORDEAL MORE COMFORTABLE. AND THE CHAIRS WERE PADDED WITH ONLY THE SOFTEST MATERIAL, LIKE COTTON, GOOSE DOWN, OR TED CRUZ'S SPINE. PLAWS PLAWTION, TED CRUZ FANSK TED CRUZ FANS HERE TONIGHT. NOT EVERYONE WAS HAPPY ABOUT THE BUDGET PLAN, LIKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, SEEN HERE ENJOYING THE PEANUT BUTTER HIS HANDLERS PUT ON THE ROOF OF HIS MOUTH. GRAHAM WAS UNHAPPY WITH THE PRICE TAG. >> THIS IS THE MOST INFLATIONARY IDEA I'VE EVER SEEN. YOU'RE SPENDING MONEY LIKE DRUNKEN SAILORS. >> Stephen: YES. LIKE DRUNKEN SAILORS. WE ALL KNOW EVERY FLEET WEEK, THE NAVY COMES TO TOWN AND ALL THE SAILORS MARAUD ACROSS MANHATTAN FUNDING UNIVERSAL PRE-K. WE NEED HEALTHCARE, BECAUSE WE'RE FACING A HUGE COVID SURGE. AND THAT'S FORCING MANY ARTISTS TO CANCEL CONCERTS, INCLUDING UPCOMING SHOWS BY MICHAEL BUBLÉE COUNTING CROWS, AND LIMP BIZKIT. BY THE WAY, A LIMP BIZKIT IS ALSO ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF LONG COVID. SAD, VERY, VERY SAD. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: REALLY-- THERE YOU GO. BUT PERHAPS THE MOST UPSETTING MUSICAL CASUALTY OF THE DELTA VARIANT IS THAT STEVIE NICKS HAS CANCELLED HER CONCERTS FOR 2021, CITING HER FEAR OF CATCHING COVID. NO! NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, AMERICA. THANKS TO THE "LANDSLIDE" OF CASES, STEVIE CAN PERFORM ONLY IN OUR "DREAMS." PLEASE, "DON'T STOP" GETTING VACCINATED. BECAUSE I'M "NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN" TO THE STORAGE CLOSET. "RHIANNON." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TOTALLY WORTH IT. TOTALLY WORTH IT. >> Jon: DEFINITELY WORTH IT. >> Stephen: OF COURSE, A BIG REASON PEOPLE ARE REFUSING TO GET THEIR SHOTS IS ALL THE FAKE NEWS ABOUT VACCINES THEY CAN READ ON THE INTERNET. AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY BRAND NEW, CONSPIRACY-RIDDEN SEGMENT: "DISINFORMATION STATION." >> THE VACCINE MADE MY PENIS MAGNETIC! DIDN'T LEAR EVERYTHING HE JUST SAID THERE BUT IT DID NOT SOUND GOOD. >> Stephen: FIRST UP IN THE KOO-KOO CHOO-CHOO, THIS WEEK, FACEBOOK BANNED A RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION NETWORK THAT CLAIMED CORONAVIRUS VACCINES TURN PEOPLE INTO CHIMPANZEES. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND! I'M VACCINATED. AM I TURNING INTO A CHIMP? IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY I LIKE TO RIDE A TRICYCLE WEARING A TINY HAT. NEXT UP, A RECENT "NEW YORK TIMES" ARTICLE FEATURED A WOMAN WHO SAID SHE WAS CONCERNED BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT A VACCINE HAD CAUSED THE CHARACTERS IN THE FILM "I AM LEGEND" TO TURN INTO ZOMBIES. SHE REFUSED THE SHOT BECAUSE IT WAS A PLOT POINT IN A ZOMBIE MOVIE? WELL, I DON'T THINK SHE HAS ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY DOESN'T HAVE ANY BRAAAAIIIIIIINS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) PLUS, SHE'S WRONG. WHAT HAPPENS IN "I AM LEGEND" IS, AN ATTEMPT TO ENGINEER THE MEASLES VIRUS INTO A CANCER CURE GOES AWRY, INFECTING MOST OF HUMANITY AND TURNING PEOPLE INTO ZOMBIE/VAMPIRE HYBRIDS. VACCINES DO NOT FACTOR INTO THE PLOT. DO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? "I AM LEGEND" HAS A PLOT. I HAD NO IDEA. I THOUGHT IT WAS THE STORY OF WILL SMITH WANTING A SECOND LAKE HOUSE. VACCINE MISINFORMATION ISN'T THE ONLY SET OF FALSEHOODS OUT THERE. FOLKS STILL BELIEVE THE BIG LIE THAT THE 2020 ELECTION WAS STOLEN, THANKS TO CONSERVATIVE NEWS OUTLETS LIKE OAN. BUT NOW OAN FACES A BILLION-DOLLAR LAWSUIT THAT ALLEGES OAN KNOWINGLY REPORTED DEFAMATORY CLAIMS AGAINST DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, INCLUDING BY ONE "EXPERT MATHEMATICIAN" NAMED ED SOLOMON. HERE HE IS: >> YOU CAN USE THE BINOMIAL PROBABILITY FORMULA, AND THE CHANCE OF THAT EVENT HAPPENING IS 1/10 TO AN EXPONENT SO LARGE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH STARS IN THE UNIVERSE-- THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ATOMS IN THE UNIVERSE TO EXPLAIN THE NUMBER. >> Stephen: WOW! BINOMIAL, PROBABILITY, STARS IN THE UNIVERSE? SOUNDS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE. UNTIL YOU CRUNCH THE BINOMIALS ON THAT GUY, AND FIND OUT SOLOMON'S NOT ACTUALLY A MATHEMATICIAN. HE'S SOME DUDE WITH NO COLLEGE DEGREE WHO INSTALLS SWING SETS. SO, CLEARLY NOT AN EXPERT ON ELECTION FRAUD. HE HASN'T EVEN INVENTED ONE PILLOW! BUT SOLOMON DOES HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE WITH THE LAW, BECAUSE HE'S ALSO A CONVICTED DRUG DEALER. I WONDER IF HIS SWING-SET CLIENTS KNOW THAT. (AS PARENT) "HONEY, THE GUY'S DONE INSTALLING THE MONKEY BARS, BUT HE SAYS HE'S GOT SOMETHING TO MAKE IT FUN FOR GROWN-UPS, TOO. IT'S COCAINE!" THIS JUST SHOWS HOW EFFECTIVE IT IS WHEN PROPAGANDISTS USE THE AGE-OLD TRICK OF "GUY WITH GLASSES SAYING MATH WORDS." ANYONE CAN DO IT. OKAY, FIRST YOU INVERT THE BINOMIAL PROBABILITY FORMULA TO MODULATE THE ANGLE DISTRIBUTION, WHICH, OF COURSE, IS A DERIVATIVE OF THE QUADRATIC INTEGERS. THEN YOU DIVIDE THE SLOPE INTERCEPT, PLUS OR MINUS ONE UNSEQUENCED FIBONACCI, FACTORING THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM OF YOUR CALCULUS, AND BOOM. YOU GOT YOURSELF A TIRE SWING. NOW, WHO WANTS DRUGS? WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS ALAN ALDA. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THERE'S A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH IN DUMB RESPONSES TO COVID. IT'S DUMB.

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