MURDER DRONES - Episode 1: PILOT

[upbeat music plays] [suspenseful music plays] -[Uzi] We are Worker Drnes: autonomous robots helping humans mine exoplanets for our interstellar parent company, JC Jensen, IN SPAAAAACEE. . .

. Yeah, we were mistreated in the name of Windex but it's not like we revolted and killed all humans or anything. Mostly because they handled that just fine all by themselves.

With biological life wiped from the planet, we found it pretty easy to pick up where they left off. We finally had a future. .

. all to ourselves. [dramatic music plays] Unfortunately.

. . our parent company didn't exactly love the concept of runaway AI.

[mechanical whirring, chirping] -[laughs] -But what have our parents done for the past forever while those things build a spire of corpses? ! Hide under the ice behind three stupid doors?

! It's like we're waiting for an inciting incident. Anyway, that's why my project is.

. . this sick-as-hell railgun!

[all gasping, muttering] -That's so not the vibe! -Easy, morons. It doesn't work.

Yet. It doesn't work yet. Who said it doesn't work?

! Maybe it does! [cackling] -[sighs] Uzi, the homework was a word problem about buying watermelons.

-Oh, and this magnetically amplified photon converger doesn't count? -No. Plus, repressed emotional baggage was only worth two points on the rubric, [electricity crackling] And is it supposed to be that color?

-[gasps] Huh? [muffled coughing] [indistinct muffled chatter] -[gasps] Oh, here. No, wait, hold on.

Shh. Eww. [scoffs] It didn't kill her.

Oh, my God, I'm so bad. -Ugh. [sighs] -Alright!

-[laughs] Classic toxic masculinity, Chad! That's never gonna end up problematic. Oh, wow -- Uzi?

I-I heard you, uh -- -I'm an angsty teen, Thad. Bite me. Also, how do you know my name?

People willingly talk to you. -[chuckles] Well, I'd say everyone knows Khan's daughter, but, uh. .

. then you might blow the other half of your face off. -Crippling daddy issues.

Hilarious. What are you in for? Testosterone too hard?

-That can happen? ! Awesome.

Hey, those bandages look pretty badass. -Oh. E-Ew, gross.

I hate that you said that. -So, what's the, uh. .

. -Sick-as-hell railgun? [chuckles] Sci-fi nonsense that super works.

I'm sneaking to the Murder Drne lair tonight to get the last spare part I need to save the world with it and earn my dad's respect and stuff -- Uh, but mostly the world part. -Oh -- but doesn't your dad make awesome doors so we don't have to, uh. .

. do that scary-sounding emotionally repressed stuff you just said? [railgun cocks] -No more feedback on my repression today!

-Ow! I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't think-- -Bite me!

I'm not mad you, by the way-- just generally hormonal! [eerie rushing] [alarm beeping] [mechanical parts chirp softly] [dramatic music plays] [music stops] [dramatic music resumes] [mechanical parts whirring softly] [suspenseful music plays] Tsk. Ugh.

[gasps] Oh, robo-Jesus! -And where might you be off to? -Mm, sneaking out to make out with my boyfriend that I definitely have?

-[laughs] Seriously, though. -[groans] Okay, okay. You caught me.

I need to. . .

measure the exterior hydraulic mechanisms of Door 1, because that's. . .

the project I'm working on for school? A big old door! [laughs awkwardly] [goofy accent] Just like what my old man built.

[laughs] I wanna join the WDF and hide behind doors like cowards while playing cards and stuff. -[chuckles] Well, we don't just play cards. -Khan, can you grab a fresh pack?

We literally only play cards so much that the numbers have faded. Oh! Hey, Uzi.

-[chuckles] [remote beeps] -Well. . .

[chuckles] When you build doors so good. . .

Good door. Gooooood door. There's no need to fight.

Uzi, this is great news! Here -- the wrench I used to tighten bolts on my first door prototypes -- and to put your mother out of her mystery when the Murder Drnes got to her with their nanite acid. I want you to have it.

-Neat. Therapy is fun. -Guys!

My daughter is into doors! [all cheering] -Aww, come on! -Not my flush!

-She's gonna be outside for a bit to examine the exterior of Door 1. Your door-specific destiny awaits! -Uh, wow.

Okay. Just gonna leave then. .

. 'cause this worked so weirdly well. Uh, go, doors!

[laughs awkwardly] [suspenseful music plays] -[sighs] They grow up so fast. -[inhales] [exhales deeply] [metal creaks] [snow crunching] [machinery whirring softly] [glass crunches] [wind howling] [music stops] [exclaims softly] Ugh. [arm thuds] [mechanical whirring] [gasps] [tense music plays] [wails] Ugh!

[grunts] Whoa -- and they said pirating all that anime was useless. [gasps] Ugh! [wails] [shouts] [through speaker] Bite me.

[alarm beeps] [thud! ] [gasps] Holy hell. Suck on that, Dad!

Huh? [strange mechanical warbling] [alarm beeping] [panting] Rrrrruuugh! [static crackles] [drone chirps] -Did you just slap me with that arm?

-Holy crap, it talks. -Yeah, sorry -- it's just, my, uh, head kinda hurts. Hey, are you new to our squad?

You're a little, uh. . .

. . .

short for a Disassembly Drne. [rising tense music] I'm serial designation N! Nice to meet you.

I'm kind of the leader of the squad in this city. That's not true. Everyone tells me I'm useless and terrible.

Wait, I-I'm not supposed to tell you that part! Biscuits. [sighs] Well, honesty is the best policy.

[chuckles] I also can't seem to remember the past three hours of my life. Ah, but I'm sure that'll sort itself out! [chuckles] -Uh-huh.

I, uh, have to. . .

go. [hisses through teeth] [groaning] -Oof, stuck yourself? Just pop it in your mouth.

Our saliva neutralizes the nanites. Otherwise, I'd be constantly disassembling myself. Heh!

-And by "our saliva," you mean. . .

-[both] Disassembly Drne? -Right. Hey, let's go in that landing pod over there.

-Sure! I love doing anything! Bleh.

Sweet. Uh. .

. [N chuckles] I'm open to new things, I guess. -We are never talking about this.

-Talking about what? [laughs] Consider it, uh, repressed. -Uh, you mentioned other members of your squad?

Are they coming back soon? -Oh, yeah -- two others. Uh, they're out hunting for a bit, but you'll love them.

First, there's V. -[grunts] -No, no! Please, don't feed me my own entrails in front of my family!

[cacophony] -Daddy! -Oh, my God! [screaming] -[laughs] And yet, I still feel nothing.

-So, V, uh. . .

[chuckles nervously] I heard this planet-wide toxic death storm is supposed to be especially inhospitable tonight. -Huh? Oh, God!

Who are you? -Uh, no worries! I'm N!

But a-a whole letter is a lot to remember! [chuckles lamely] So, obviously a lot of mutual respect there. But secretly, I actually kind of have a crush on her.

You can't tell her, okay? ! [chuckles] Uh, then, there's J -- our leader!

-[growls] N, you're worthless and terrible. -[choking] Thank you. -And if the company allowed it, I would straight up kill you myself.

-J's awesome. Hey, let me give you the tour -- outside of the corpse. .

. wall thingies. In here are the buttons!

[beeping] -This isn't just a landing pod. -No, I -- uh-- uh, the Worker Drnes -- This could get us off the planet. -More of a one-use missile.

They never taught us how to land. -No, I -- uh-- uh, the Worker Drnes -- we could work with them to fix this Instead of all the murder! Which, uh -- why are we doing that again?

-Other than ingesting their. . .

[deep, spooky voice] . . .

warm, sweet. . .

[normal voice] . . .

oil to avoid overheating and dying? I guess I just want to be useful. I was given a job, and I always wanna try my best.

-And look at all the respect it's gotten you, N. You really think the company isn't going to dispose of you once all the workers are dead? -Oh, my!

You sure are rebellious. It's kind of exciting. U-Uh, but not as fun as, uh, following the rules.

[metallic thumping, banging] Hey, they're back! You'll -- U-Uh. .

. -[J] [muffled] Idiot, get out here! -[panting] -[laughs] Yo, we got a worker out there I kind of wanna practice balloon animal shapes with.

What happened here? -Synergistic liability here must have tripped and knocked himself offline. Moron bot.

Hello? -You really think the company isn't going to dispose of you once all the workers are dead? Bite me.

-Oh. Ohhhhh! You know, I-I-I left an e-extremely dangerous weapo-- uh, an excuse o-outside.

[suspenseful music plays] -[panting] -[chuckles] I am out, boys. -Oh, gosh darn it. -Wait until my loving wife and kids hear about this.

[wind howling] [all chattering] -Ugh, bite me. Close it, close it! [metal creaking] -Hey, fellas!

Ooh, deal me in! I love Rummy! Wait, no.

Tsk. I'm going to murder everyone. Rain check!

-Gah! [indistinct chatter] -Oh, God! -[chuckles] Um, actually?

It's Gin Rummy, so. . .

-[hollers, grunts] -[panting] Hey, Uzi! I just realized no one has, uh, said my name aloud so far. So I'm just letting you know, I'm R-- -[grunts] [music stops] -Pretty nice hydraulics, huh?

-[gasps] [dark musical sting plays] Wha-- What have you done? [high-pitched ringing] [dramatic music plays] -This time, I won't miss. -[chuckles] I'm sorry.

I really enjoyed our time together. But I can't have you shooting V with that thing. -Bite me.

Dad, get down. -Uzi, you led a Murder Drne here? !

[tearfully] My beautiful doors! -Now is so not the time! I messed up -- in the same way I'm about to fix it.

Move, Dad! -[coughs] [gasps] D-Dad! P-Point and shoot!

Trust me! [dark music plays] Dad? [remote beeps] [distant alarm blaring] -Whoa, N.

-[giggles] -Whoa! -Am I dreaming, or did you do something not useless for once? -I've been trying to get past those doors for months.

Nice work, N. -You. .

. me. .

. name. .

. remember? -These ventilation shafts can easily get us around this last door.

Lowest body count eats a missile! [laughs] -Way to go, stud. The company's gonna love this.

-[chuckles] Ow. -With this colony wiped, we'll make top team this quarter for sure. [sing-song] You know what that means.

Branded pe-ens! -Ooooh. -[chuckles] [curious music plays] -Uh, you know, not that I can't wait to keep murdering all these, uh.

. . maybe not-so-actually-different from us Worker Drnes, but just outta curiosity, do we actually, uh.

. . [hisses through teeth] know what the company plans to do with us afterwards?

-Excuse me? -Okay, so, a Worker earlier might have suggested that they could fix up our landing pod to, uh, escape the planet and stuff. Which -- Whoa, hey, that's against the rules!

But it is kind of making me question why our pods were only-one way in the first place. 'Cause, y-you know, I get the feeling the company doesn't actually love robots, and, like, we might be robots? I've made a terrible mistake.

It's cool how immediately I could tell. -Hmm. No way, buddy.

Questioning the company? You just finally gave me the excuse I needed. [metallic thud] -[grunts softly] [metal hissing] [device chirping] -Worker Drnes are corrupted, N.

That's why the company sent us. I hate to see you corrupted as well. -[stuttering, glitched speech] Thanks, J.

Always looking out for me. You're awesome. -[scoffs] [melancholy music plays] [glitched speech continues] Ah, biscuits.

I'm sorry. I ruined your card game, then made you have an awkward moment with your dad. -And I made you rebel like an angsty teen, which got you killed.

Though, you also tried to kill me, so morality calls this a draw. [grunts] [groans] For the record, that was the lamest heel-face turn in history. [coughs] -Being rebellious is a lot harder than it looks.

Thanks for showing me the ropes. -Nuh-uh, no bonding thing. You just killed a bunch of people, idiot.

-That's super fair. [sighs] I screwed up. -[clicks tongue] Uuuuugh.

In the same way you're about to fix it. [intrepid music plays] -[laughs] I love doing anything. -[screams] [grunts] [coughs] [menacing laughter] -So, they found our evacuation spot.

But if we build a quick door- -[grunting] [spits] Are you kidding me? You're the WDF, right? Defend!

For real? -[laughing] Ack! -[grunts] -[hollers] -[laughing] -Hey!

-Huh? -Put that conventionally attractive male down. -Oof!

Oh, uh, J? You're sometimes kind of mean to me, and I wish you weren't. Just some constructive criticism.

-Nice. -Heh. -[growls] -[hollers] -Noted, traitor.

We'll circle back after I rightsize your existence. -Okay, which one do you want? -J, please.

-Too bad. Good luck. [grunts] -[screams] -[laughs] [grunts] -[growls] [growls] Damn the well-made, quality-assured durability of JC Jensen products!

Huh? -[grunts] -[screams] -[grunts] -[giggles] Ah! My mind's in a weird place!

Don't read into this! -Ugh! [growls] [cackling] -Yah!

[laughs] [laughing] [both grunting] [laughs] -Uzi! I'm so, so sorry. Have fun repressing this!

Mleh. . .

-Eww! What the hell? [air whooshing] -[groans] -[chuckles] You've got a lot of guts for a barely sentient toaster.

I've had prey fight back before, but your edgy spirit is just so. . .

[crunch! ] Painful? [screams] Gah!

Fourth quarter profits! Mother of company leadership retreats! -One more buzzword, and I'll do it.

[railgun whirring] -Equity partnersh-- -[sighs] [all cheering] [applause] -Holy hell, Uzi. That was insane! And you, too, uh.

. . -Huh?

Oh, uh, N. I'm an angsty, rebellious Disassembly Drne now. -[clears throat] -I brought the Murder Drnes here accidentally.

You chose to leave me for dead instead of just frickin' believing in me! And that's not even an edgy teen hyperbole like when I said it last week! [sniffles] [sighs] I'll save you the trouble, Dad.

I banish myself! [somber music plays] Let's go, N. Everyone here can bite me.

-Nice to meet you, Mr Uzi. -Shut it. -[grunts] -[yelps] -[slurps] [suspenseful music] -I'd join you if the sun didn't kill me.

Hope you're having important character growth or something, though! -Just can't wait to murder all humans. Classic robot stuff.

I hope they're sitting pretty there on Earth. 'Cause we're coming for them.