Gabor Maté – Authenticity vs. Attachment

when a child is born the child is to needs the first need is for attachment an attachment is contact connection love without that the human child does not survived in any mammalian child or even an avian child doesn't survive so that as soon as you get past the level of reptiles the reptile is is hatched the mother is long gone by then and the reptile infant either lives or dies but there's no attachment to a parenting figure as soon as you get to the level of birds now the baby bird has to be a man

attachment with the parents the parents have to be attached to the baby otherwise the infant simply does not survive mammalians even more so and most so the human because we're the least developed the least mature with the least developed brains and the most dependent for the longest period of time of any creature in the universe so our attachment needs are enormous and they remain important to our lifetime because we have to have attachments to form society social groups without which we don't survive so attachment is a huge need we have to connect belong be loved

by and loved that's just a basic human need but we have another need as well which is for authenticity authenticity is the capacity as I said earlier to know what we feel to be in touch with our bodies and to be able to express who we are and manifest who we are in our activities and in our relationships now why is that well I think of a human being in evolutionary period who's not in touch with their body and their gut feelings how long do they survive out there in the wild so I think this

it is another huge survival need great so far so good but what happens to a child where the attachment need is not compatible with the need for authenticity in other words if I'm authentic my parents will reject me if I feel what I feel and express what I feel and insist on my own truth my parents can't handle it and parents can view those messages unconsciously all the time not cuz they mean to not cuz they'd only love the child not because they're not trying to do their best but because they themselves have suppressed or

traumatized or hurt or stressed so I convey that message many times to my children believe me without any conscious desire to do so in fact it was the very opposite of what I wish to convey but that they're not acceptable the way they are with their emotions the way they are that's the message my kids got whenever small and most children get that our society and what does the child do with that well if I give up my attachment for the sake of authenticity I lose my relationships on which my life depends therefore there's no

question what becomes suppressed is our authenticity our emotions and then we become twenty-five and thirty or thirty-five forty and we don't know who we are and somebody asked us what do you feel you say I have no idea and how many times we've all had the experience of having an inkling of a strong gut feeling but we ignoring it we're ignoring it the beginning to trouble what that tells us what happened what happened was that at some point we found out there was too costly for our attachment relationships to be in touch with our gut

feelings so then it becomes a first not our first nature about our second nature the suppress our feelings to lose touch with ourselves and the suppressor got feelings and then we pay the cost later on in the form of addictions mental illness or any range of physical illnesses but it all began with this tragic conflict that children should never be confronted with but are all the time between authenticity on the one hand an attachment on the other and even as adults so many people are suffering because they want to be themselves but their faith to

be because they know or at least they fear that I've let them sauce they're gonna lose important attachment relationships in their life [Music]