Matt Rife: Only Fans (FULL SPECIAL)

hey what's up guys i'm matt rife and maybe you guys know me from mtv nbc the tfil overnight channel on youtube or maybe you've seen me do stand up sometime in the last 11 years i've been doing stand-up comedy ever since i was 15 years old that's a little over 10 years ago and it's taken me that long to realize that nobody is going to hand you [ __ ] and if you want to do something sometimes you have to just do it on your own and that's exactly what we did for this special i

called in all the favors for my very talented friends and support my fans and followers around the world we made this happen we made a special produced by us directed by us for the fans by the fans because nobody believed in us nobody wanted to take a chance on this special no one thought we could do it no one wanted to put it on their platform so it's here on youtube for free for you guys and it means the world to me that you guys are even on this channel even clicking on the video and

i hope you enjoy it so hit like subscribe share it to your friends comment your favorite bits below and i hope you like it please please don't make me sell my body on only fans i'm close okay what about problematic no toyboy no okay well what do you think i should call it it doesn't matter what you call it they're just there to see you naked okay papa all right i gotta go i love you love you too all right bye bye command we've lost control the engines bound to crash the lightning strikes went by

do not go gently it's just my luck you shine my blood down from a thousand miles i'm falling fast i'm falling fast i okay okay sit down thank you thank you oh man wow some of y'all didn't stand you were unsure i get it all right i'll earn it that's okay how y'all doing y'all good yeah oh man thank y'all so much for coming oh you guys uh ready to be offended don't [ __ ] say that and then go on twitter afterwards like oh matt has some opinions of his own and end my [

__ ] career okay just want to have a good time tonight all right comedy almost isn't fun okay having to adhere to everybody's sensitivities since when that [ __ ] is so new remember like three years ago when no one gave a [ __ ] about how you felt like three years ago if you were in public and were like i don't like a stranger would come up and be like shut up [ __ ] and punch you in your chest like ah now i heard on the outside and the inside i feel like we've

gotten so sensitive as a society man we've gotten so soft like fresh out the pool dick soft that on the fellas understand that you get out that cold water you don't even recognize yourself anymore who's dick is this who put a baby dick on me so i feel like we are as a society man just on soft it's exhausting so i'm glad we could all come together for a night of laughter it's good to see y'all black people good to see y'all white people sitting in the back how's it feel well you're smiling good i'm

glad you're in a good mood did you say sorry today did you say sorry to a black person today get your venmo out right now cash out every black person in here five dollars gets you through the rest of the [ __ ] we're gonna get these reparations one way or another okay i'm sorry it took so long i just got here all right y'all gotta learn how to take bitcoin or something but we're going we're gonna figure it out oh white people been so sorry in 2021 haven't they oh my god it's been my

favorite show to watch just white people trying to out woke each other in front of black people because it'll always start reasonable and then just gradually get out of hand like white person number one will start low like well you know i voted for obama two times in a row you're like all right solid politics okay now white person number two has to top obama so he's like that's crazy i was just talking about how jesus was black you're like yeah well walked on water probably couldn't swim my checkout now white person number three is

gonna top obama and black jesus he's panicking he says some ignorant [ __ ] like well medea is my favorite franchise you're like gotcha liar medea is nobody's favorite franchise not even black people yeah you're a richer i think they go soul plane than medea movies god it's all this white guilt it's heavy it's starting to feel like alcoholism a little bit i'm like every room i entered like an aaa meeting where i got to plead my case like i have to enter every situation like hey guys my name is matt just want to introduce

myself let you know i do identify as a straight white male and everybody's like okay i know i know i'm trash but i would really appreciate it if you use my proper pronoun the problem what an uncomfortable time to be a straight white male it's a tough time for my people for once you know it's you got to know when to fold them you know i mean we stay in the game too long we can't be doing that coming back to haunt us hard rightfully so it's just uncomfortable because to be a straight white male

in 2021 you're kind of guilty by association aren't you which is a shitty place to be if you didn't do anything like i just turned 25. i just got here you know what i mean like i didn't do anything i'm a new white like give me a chance give me a chance to wipe my wrongs you know what i mean like just want to sing along to some songs you know what i mean just give me a chance it was it's not my fault it's not like i made the conscious decision to be born a

straight white male i probably would have historically speaking why not be on a winning team you know what i mean but i didn't get to choose it wasn't my decision therefore i can't i can't apologize for it that'd be weird and you don't have to that's the thing you don't have to apologize for it just be a decent [ __ ] human being is that too much to ask listen to the sound of white guilt oh music to my ears don't have to apologize for it and i and i won't i'll apologize for being born

a straight white male when lebron james apologizes for being six foot nine didn't choose this life just happened to be born that way right and they both have their own set of perks don't they like sure he can do a [ __ ] windmill 360 dunk and i can raise my voice to the police so it's a given to take you know what i mean like i'd love to yeah i'm on a [ __ ] but i guess i'll just get out of this ticket gotta choose your superpower man life ain't fair for everybody okay

make white people uncomfortable i'm so happy to be shooting this in la i love l.a love it because i'm not from here so i have perspective um i'm actually from ohio yeah that's right that's that that felt as welcoming as it should have man if you've never been to ohio you you don't got them you absolutely don't i don't care who died there send an email okay you do not have to go it's so trash oh my god i'm not even from like a fun part of ohio i didn't get like cleveland or cincinnati nothing

fun i'm from the middle of nowhere like hour west of columbus surrounded by corn fields country the sticks we call it population like 1500 people like the kind of small town where like the gas stations also the grocery store you know me [ __ ] get some sandwiches and some diesel you here why not save a trip my hometown was so country man we used to have uh we used to have drive your tractor to school day swear to god you guys remember school spirit week well like every day of the week would have a

theme to it like pajama day or twin day we would have one day in that week when like the rich kids will pull up and just [ __ ] flex on us john deere style and the women in my school would just get wet like oh my lord he's got land because that's all people cared about where i was from was [ __ ] farming like you didn't need eight inches if you had eight acres like that was that was the biggest flex you could come with you couldn't compete with a farmer if he's plowing

land he could plow your [ __ ] straight up like there's just nothing you could do nothing you could do but it's the type of small town where like life just kind of dissipates you know what i mean like everyone lives the exact same life timeline like you you you go to high school you get pregnant then you graduate maybe and then you get a job get married and so on so but then you die in his hometown it's depressing nothing to do there's nothing to do for fun there everybody just drinks and does drugs

but not cool like we do it you know theirs is because they're sad so depressing man i didn't realize drugs were as big of a problem when i was living there but apparently it's gotten worse um i found out about three four weeks ago this kid who i went to school with he's like two grades older than me we didn't know each other too well there's only like 300 people in a school so we kind of know each other found out like three or four weeks ago this kid um od'd from heroin in this town

at his job the same job he got when we were in high school he lived and died there and obviously the whole town got together and they mourn the loss of their dealer no guys don't get weird okay there was no there's a silver lining moment the whole town i swear to god they started to go fund me and they raised enough money so that they could get him a memorial bench at his favorite park which i thought was a really sweet momento you know to provide other people seating to do their heroine i've never

done heroin but i imagine you want to sit down okay whatever you guys don't know him okay i'm just giving you a little perspective that i could have been a bench okay but i'm not nothing like where i'm from it's so weird i'm good-looking i don't like it any more than you guys do okay this is not good for comedy okay and it's so weird for me my looks are so confusing to me because you guys haven't known me my entire life so you have no context of this but this [ __ ] just happened

puberty hit me so disrespectfully late i was ugly as [ __ ] for the first 22 years of my life i was so ugly for so long if i would have been on wayfair they would have returned me immediately like i was so ugly now don't oh okay i spent the first 22 years of my life building a personality for what you think i need to be funny now no it's a [ __ ] waste of my time to be honest it's gotten me nowhere oh and it's so weird because when you spend so much

of your life as one thing and then you're drastically changing to something else overnight it [ __ ] with you emotionally like i still it's still so new to me that i don't quite grasp it it doesn't i don't see myself that way like i know i look like every [ __ ] boy ever but i do identify as an ugly person so i i think that does technically make me trans um trans handsome transom uh we wait till we get our bathrooms there's gonna be all mirrors bunch of pretty people doing cocaine it's gonna

be dope and y'all can't come it's so weird man it's such a drastic lifestyle change too because people treat you so differently nobody likes attractive people right you assume their lives are easier like there's no sympathy for pretty people at all which is another thing you guys might not know about me is i have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder and you guys are just waiting for the punchline that's how [ __ ] up it is then i that i could come up here and vent to y'all basically being like help and y'all like get

your cute ass out of here and it's not funny awesome okay it's so weird there's no sympathy for pretty people no one gives a [ __ ] how sad you are if you have high cheekbones at all people act like i don't have any problems at all i could be crying my eyes out in bed and people are just like what could you possibly be so upset about huh i bet you're just swimming in [ __ ] it's like yeah but you know what i'm not swimming in self-confidence security believe it or not someone who

listens to me i can't even hang myself because my jawline will cut the [ __ ] rope and i'm just on the ground handsome even if i did die it's got to be an open casket like god damn he looks good in a suit that's really nice blue is his color that is nice there's no sympathy for pretty people you guys are lucky count your blessings ugo's [ __ ] ain't sweet up here either okay everybody's dealing with [ __ ] i just want you to remember that remember that next time you're in bed having

the worst day crying your eyes out your friends are by your bedside of blowing up your phone like oh my god are you okay is there anything we can do to make you feel better what's wrong just remember it means you're ugly i don't make up the rules okay i'm sorry if you were cute they'd be like get up [ __ ] we're going to the club three milly rocks be right back to it no problem but rules are rules it's weird because it's given me um it's giving me the perspective of not judging people

based on how they look i'm a big fan of that that's why i like the masks love it you don't know who's ugly with a mask on do you it's kind of a fun game to play isn't it just walking through the grocery store like does this [ __ ] have a beak like you don't know you don't know what people's situations are you got to get to know him before you can judge like you wouldn't be able to just assume i'm a douchebag if i have my mask on you'd have no basis i could

walk into any starbucks with my mask on they would just think i'm any random lesbian you know i mean i could be anybody could be anybody going like what's your name like matt they're like you are so brave and the code to your bathroom is forcing man the masks made it so hard to holler at people didn't it because you don't know what sixty percent of their face looks like that [ __ ] was so dangerous you ever talked to somebody for a while you're like i gotta know you gotta come up with some like

cute clever way to get them to pull their mask down say some dumb [ __ ] like have you smiled today you smile you look like you have accused me give me a smile real quick and you've been chatting forever and she's been all eyes and she's like i don't know i guess i could give you a little oh god damn it oh my god i talked to you for an hour i gave you my time i had no idea but i like i'm a big fan of not judging people based on how they look

because if there's one thing we all have in common every single person in this room everybody's going through something right everybody in here is dealing with some [ __ ] that nobody else has any idea about i go through [ __ ] all the time because i have no clue one thing you might not know is uh i have terrible luck bad random [ __ ] happens to me all the time and uh i'll tell you an incredibly embarrassing and humbling story i need a moment she's thirsty uh last year i had to have surgery

on my nipples they're fine now you can stop looking last year i ended up developing this freak medical condition like this [ __ ] is so rare it only happens to like 12 year old boys and 80 year old men and somehow i'm both like it's so rare my doctor looked me in my eyes and was like i don't know why this happened to you i was like first of all i'm up here second don't not give me an answer okay it's not very professional it was this freak condition that was causing the breast tissue

um the breast tissue under my pecs that bench about two eighty five eight to ten reps that's neither here nor there uh it was causing the breast tissue to grow incongruently under my nipples now before your imaginations start running [ __ ] wild let me shut that down right now okay whatever image you're drawing up in your head get it out of there it wasn't anything drastic at all if you had never seen me shirtless before you would never even know the difference but you know your body right if something's off just the littlest but

you notice it more than anybody else ever would so it was it was just messing with me mentally like i wasn't i wasn't comfortable in my own skin i wasn't comfortable taking my shirt off my instagram was suffering starts messing with business you gotta get checked out so i go to the doctor and he's like yeah you got it i'm like up so what what do we what do we do and he explains to me it's actually an irreversible condition meaning it'll never just go away you can't take medicine for it you have to have

it surgically removed from your body i was like all right man what's what's the damage on something like that and he explains to me that this surgery is going to be nine thousand dollars nine racks out of pocket mind you because technically it's cosmetic it's not life-threatening so insurance doesn't cover it nine thousand dollars in the middle of the pandemic which i don't know how much you guys know about stand-up comedy but this is the first time i've been inside in like two years man i've been performing in pickup trucks and kmart parking lots money

has not been good to me i definitely didn't have nine thousand dollars to drop on something that wasn't gonna kill me breast implants are ten thousand dollars so if you think my life is just oh so easy and i have no problems at all you go home and you think about the dilemma that i had to sit with by myself every night leading up to this like god damn am i about to drop 9 dollars on something that's ultimately cosmetic and really only affects how i feel about myself and whoever it is that i'm intimate

with do i drop ten thousand dollars get these titties and clean up at the women's olympics are you kidding me if i go full transition it is over for you [ __ ] i don't even run track and field i'm placing bronze guaranteed okay i'm a decent looking dude but i'm a bad [ __ ] straight up didn't need to tell you all that i don't have a sponsorship somebody gonna buy this a white cloth would be like yeah 60 gram i'm gonna be like it's all here bro i don't know nothing i'll let you

suck one for 30 seconds that was weird um when i got this chin i thought things will be different i thought things would be easier i thought dating would be easier no maybe it's me i'm i'm very picky i'm so hard to date i have such a specific type i i predominantly only date older women just personal preference like late 30s early 40s oh my god such a sweet spot oh well not ones who sit in the back this [ __ ] is a woman from her handicap spot in the parking lot i also don't

know if you match the criteria it's got to be late 30s early 40s man because women are kind of like cap'n crunch right like they're the best right before they're gross [ __ ] y'all that's a solid cereal joke okay because if you [ __ ] with captain crunch if you [ __ ] with captain crunch you know it's a very fine window if it tears your mouth up and it's oatmeal okay it's a very fine line it's like 42. apparently who knew some of y'all not laughing because you sitting there with some grits and

that's fine that's snitch on yourself if you want to maybe a little brown sugar in the front row put your dash on that's how you holler no verbal communication needed i knew what that meant yeah older women are so dope man sometimes i got kids which means they got snacks i'm so easy man i can't cook at all i'll [ __ ] you for a lunchable that's a fact i'm so easy are you kidding me if you have a crock pot i will shut [ __ ] down to the best of my ability i don't

know i don't know who you were dating before me or what they were doing but i don't want to make false promises because sex is hard it is ladies y'all have it so easy never heard that before i fully believe i fully believe women have sex so much easier than men one hoe in the back just like yeah it just opens up it's crazy it just does its own thing dude dudes come out of her [ __ ] like this i think it's so true it's so much less work all you technically have to do

is like you know i mean like that's all just be punctual that's your only responsibility is to be on time because we will start without you that's the only requirement do you really do you realize as a man like there's a certain level of excitement i have to get and i have to maintain this excitement the entire time while i'm focusing on a million things i'm focusing on me i'm focusing on you i'm switching positions it's a full court press the entire time you focus on so much that sometimes sometimes you go quick you [

__ ] leave me hanging on this right now like i'm the only dude who's at my special you're gonna disrespect me like this y'all ain't [ __ ] man oh oh i'm the only person ever to bust fast hilarious you guys y'all ain't [ __ ] you know that it happens to the best of us okay there's noises need to be a big deal be a big problem about it would you be mad if your food came out early at a restaurant no you'd be like the chef is killing it i got all this time

for activities i don't come fast i just respect your schedule okay now you got to take your kids to school in the morning so sex is hard the build up is fun though like sexting sexting is the most fun oh my god dudes love sexting we're so good at it because we're just lying no no it's so easy we lie so much we talk so much game of what we can't wait to do to y'all when we see we ain't doing none of that ever at all like the jk rallying of dick pics like we

just writing fairy tales and [ __ ] we are never gonna do to y'all ever we set the bar too high we say crazy stuff like like girl when i see you i'm gonna put you up against the wall i'm gonna [ __ ] you in the curtains like you ain't [ __ ] nobody in the curtains you've been to my house i got blinds you only scratched my back up not very practical i lied recently that's how the game goes i was sectioning with this girl and like i could see where she was going

with it but it was just rude of her to assume like i was sexting with this girl she was like i'm only 103 pounds you could throw me around like i responded as a dude i was like that's right but on the inside i was like that's more than you think it is that's fellas back me up on this for all 103. get the [ __ ] at oh it's nothing it's it's light work pick me up then how about how about [ __ ] your lower back how about that i haven't done a deadlift

since 10th grade now [ __ ] you've got to be leg day now i gotta [ __ ] you with one of those weight trainer belts that mexicans wear in the gym for no reason mexicans be in the gym doing all arms got a whole back brace like why you got jeans on he said some people didn't like that well it is what it is i know i talk a lot of [ __ ] but i'm the problem i'm i'm well aware i'm so i'm so picky i have a lot of red flags that i

look for that's why like the first date's always the hardest cause you look like you're looking for things to not like and that's so tough because there's a lot of [ __ ] i don't like i'll list a couple of red flags for it feel free to tell me if i'm out of pocket for not being okay with some of these things um red flag number one i don't [ __ ] with girls who go on boats it's whole [ __ ] i feel like a lot of people in here have been cheated on not

on lands that's what it feels but i'm happy to have your support it's because it's insanity to me if you live in l.a and you date a hot girl for long enough at some point this chick will come to you and say something like babe there's just this guy a friend of mine who who wants to just take me and my eight hot girlfriends into the abyss are you out of your [ __ ] mind why why stay dry what like no people get [ __ ] on boats boats were built for [ __ ]

since the beginning of boats people been [ __ ] on them b-o-a-t bring out ass and titties it's been in front of us the whole time it's always been an acronym my girl not getting on no boats no kayaks no canoes no no no paddle boats you're not working up a sweat next to another man not dealing with that's why women love titanic so much it's a beautiful story about a chick who cheats on her man with a scrub while her boyfriend is on the ship no you say you like boats get out get out

right now get got big boat energy right now and i'm not [ __ ] with it so that's the big one um red flag number two i don't [ __ ] with ouija boards obviously this only pertains to white women um and you know what this shouldn't even be a story that i have to tell but it's been weighing heavy on my soul lately so i'll i'll let y'all in a couple of years ago i was doing a show at a comedy club in hollywood and i get off stage and this beautiful girl comes up

to me gives me her number this happens all the time and i'm kidding um she comes up to me gives me her number she's beautiful we go our separate ways for the evening the very next day she texts me it was like hey i want to come over and i'm like bet still got it you know what i mean so she comes over i let her in go sit on the couch and it's me and her on the couch and then my roommate is down the hall in his room his door's open you can't see

into the living room from his room he hears all of this he's a witness so we sit on the couch and for the first two minutes i'm asking all the questions that guys you know don't care about um but you don't want to come across so too eager so we've asked silly questions like you know you got a family or yeah those are real ears you didn't get your ears done like vague [ __ ] that we don't really care about at all so we're talking for like two minutes and then she hits me with

yeah um do you have a ouija board and i'm like i don't even have a headboard nah don't don't got that on me sorry and she goes well can we go to target and get one i'm like no i've got disney plus that's what we're doing and she's not giving up she was like what well can i make one i'm like what in the demonic charcuterie are you trying to bring into my home right now and i'm trying to hit so i'm like yeah sure if you can find the things in my apartment to make

a ouija board go ahead biggest mistake in my life this stranger who i just met starts ransacking my apartment she's opening every cabinet every cover every closet going through everything i don't know if you guys ever seen a video of when a deer accidentally gets inside and this starts hitting everything like it's never seen walls before but she's going crazy she finds a couple of markers to write stuff down she finds this little glass piece to be like the centerpiece and she's like that's how hard she's working she's out of breath she's like we don't

have something to make the board and i was like damn yeah all right guess we gotta watch monsters inc yeah well she just sit on down and she goes hold on a second so she gets up and she goes over the front door she opens the front door and she goes outside and my roommate comes down the hallway and it's like and i'm like so he goes over and slams the door shut behind her i laughed so hard but again there's a mission at hand it's on my eye stop playing so i get up i

go open the door it's been four seconds i go i open the door there's nobody out there she's gone so i'm like hey ashley i'm gonna shut the door and once it's shut it's gonna stay shut you're gonna be stuck out here i'm serious amanda all right so i go i swing the door and turn around and straight out of the scary movie this chick's foot stops it right before it closes in the frame i was like jesus christ and here comes this chick lugging in this giant piece of cardboard i'm like where did you

get that she goes it was just out there [ __ ] no it wasn't no it was not just out there so she brings it in she sets it on the coffee table and we boast it on the couch and i'm i don't know where it came from i gotta i lift it up it's from the tv box i threw in the dumpster four days prior this chick brought garbage back into my home to summon the devil so you know the sex is gonna be dope she's [ __ ] crazy i'm in i gotta do

it now you know what i mean i've never smashed a homeless chick before but she clearly brought all of her things she's like all right you ready to make one and i'm like i guess yeah so she draws it out and before i continue does anybody not know what a ouija board is yes really you really don't know oh man okay well first of all god bless you you're so naive a ouija board is essentially it's a it's a toy board that you can get from any store like walmart or target or whatever it's uh

and people use it to drunk text the dead essentially that's all it's good for and it's very simple layout uh it has the the alphabet right here close center middle of the boards it's where um the centerpiece is supposed to be guided by a spirit to spell out certain words to answers that you ask it so the middle is the alphabet right corner is no left corner is yes alphabet left yes no yes alphabet no so she draws the whole thing up and she's like all right so there's a couple of rules you have to

know when you're gonna play with a ouija board i was like yeah duh i mean everybody knows that but uh refresh me again she was like rule number one you never play with it by yourself ever all right okay rule number two you have to remember to say goodbye cause apparently you can't ghost the ghosts so she's like alright let's play okay so got our hands on the piece and she's like we gotta ask it a question all right go ahead she's like all right um okay is there anybody here with us and you just

hear my roommate down the hallway go yeah his name is brandon and he [ __ ] lives here like touche pay his rent um which do you no so she's like all right i asked another question did anybody die here doesn't move i'm like this is crazy well then you asking something i'm like okay um should we go lay down in my room oh oh oh we don't want to piss off the dead do we she was like you're right so we go lay down this chick brings the cardboard in the room with her she

sets it at the foot of the bed like it's a golden retriever now we're under the covers or doing more makeshift conversation you know i'm like you know you got dreams or what's your favorite picture or you know just vague [ __ ] i don't care about and about like four or five minutes after this she just knocks out like not a subtle like i'm starting to feel a little bit tired like just straight yeah and then like she is slumped and now it's her asleep me under the covers and i'm staring down just terrified

of this samsung tv box and all i could think is this [ __ ] didn't say goodbye now i'm terrified up by myself i'm trying to wake her up i'm like hey hey alison hey great she's asleep now i gotta play with it by myself so i start jerking off and she wakes up straight out of an exorcism and i was like what are you doing and i was like oh god and i swear to god a spirit left my body and hit her right in the face it's the craziest thing i could ever see

oh god uh i never saw her again i never saw i'm to this day i'm not convinced she wasn't a ghost wouldn't surprise me ah that's that's why i can't mess with young people i really can't she was 25 26 just put off of it makes me feel so much older dealing with somebody like that i do feel older i date older women all my friends are older i [ __ ] hate kids so much kids [ __ ] suck man oh my god they're so garbage i don't like young people at all man we

just don't click i'm not on i don't know the apps that they're on what's the what's the one app like literally every kid is on it um no amber alert every kid is on aaron brother aren't they it's like made away looking for you how many followers you got enough for a search party i hope see this is hilarious to me because i can feel the hypocrisy radiating off y'all right now like i'm the [ __ ] that's adorable okay when's the last time you got an amber alert on your phone and your first reaction

wasn't oh [ __ ] how do i turn this off how do i uh none of y'all like we gotta find these kids not one person y'all haven't found a kid since milk is in a carton okay judge me it's a terrible app it's the worst app it's vague but be on the lookout for 2015 silver prius like is he in my uber this is a ride share did i hit pool the alarm's the worst part by far they haven't changed the alarm in like 30 years it's still the same i get so mad when

that [ __ ] goes off on my phone i can be standing next to the kidnapper be like hey is it in the settings i go to general notification i closed out the wayfarer app do you guys remember that you guys remember when wayfarer was selling other stuff for any of you guys who might not remember wayfair the furniture company in 2020 was accused of allegedly being involved in human trafficking and we forgave them pretty quick didn't we they they're killing it their business is booming right now supply the chairs y'all sitting on right now

so if you could please give a warm round of applause for our sponsor bro they came back hot with some deals too they were like i'm sorry five are bad ten i was like these the ages of the discounts i just don't trust you anymore i don't trust you it was bad man we found out as a people we hate human trafficking but not as much as we hate an unfurnished patio am i right the umbrellas ain't cheap man no it's not funny it's not funny it's very serious and i do feel very bad for

all the families affected by that obviously feel terrible about it but i especially feel bad for the dude who just wanted a desk you know what i mean how many times have you got the wrong order in the mail now you got to get a crib too a lot of money out of pocket it's messed up man can't support them don't don't support wayfair they're terrible not as bad as ikea but [ __ ] ikea you kidding me they're way worse ikea needs to come with a kid just to help put that [ __ ]

together that somebody got to hold these sides bro goddamn can i go home now i don't know man that's a lot of leftover pieces you sure you didn't skip any steps there's always so many leftover pieces after an ikea project isn't there you look at a final ikea piece like i guess that's it and you find out you messed up on step 8 of 49 you're like i guess we just don't have a bottom shelf it is what it is we'll put tall stuff there guys relax still me remember the dude who's been telling jokes

for 45 minutes still just a joke this is why comedy is the most frustrating job in the world it's because this is the only job in the world that i would have to reiterate to y'all what i'm doing then i'm just kidding i don't mean this [ __ ] that comes out of my mouth rappers don't have to do that rappers are literally like i [ __ ] your and killed your family and y'all just like they don't gotta be like i'm just rapping i'm just rapping y'all i wouldn't do nothing like that i'm david

you know me i wouldn't do nothing like that so hypocritical man that's the one thing comedians do have over rappers it's freedom of speech it's kind of like an unwritten rule in comedy right like you can joke about messed up stuff as long as it's funnier than it is messed up and rappers don't get that kind of leeway it's not fair like if they admit to a crime they did on beat they still go to jail i don't think that's fair respect the artistry give them a chance okay i think if you can make a

doper song than the charges you're trying to beat you get to go home i think that's fair i think that's been all spectrums of crime too can you imagine ted bundy in court and they're like you're going to jail forever and he's like well wait till you hear this [ __ ] it's a little song i call i eat the [ __ ] up starring j doms cause he's a cannibal ah okay that one was a tough sell that's fine i understand see if we can get you all back with something a little bit more

level-headed we can all kind of get on board with um gun control why not right can't be worse than the wayfarer [ __ ] it is this was way worse if that one wasn't your [ __ ] buckle up uh this this is a lot harder one to tackle gun control is so tricky because i i see both sides i do understand i i understand the amendment everyone's right to have a gun that makes sense to me especially when it comes to things like protection or providing for your family that makes sense but the same

time everybody every not everybody gets a gun right that's crazy you all know somebody you're like this [ __ ] should not have a gun right it's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun when's the last time you held a gun and didn't do this [ __ ] oh oh oh oh oh people freak out every time like no don't like i wouldn't but would i it's a timeless bit that [ __ ] has been funny for centuries i think it's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun that i think a simple interim

solution would be it just needs to be a little bit harder to get the gun that's all i suggest i think there's so many tears to responsibility you should have to surpass before you can have a gun that's all i suggest and i'm not even proposing anything difficult simple [ __ ] like if you haven't had sex yet straight up no gun okay that is way too much power for you how are you gonna pull a trigger before you've had to pull out like that takes discipline and i need to see you in a moment

of crisis okay can you handle the power do you realize if something as simple as that was implemented if something as simple as having sex was a requirement for getting a registered firearm what kind of impact that would have on the entire problem school shootings would drop off almost completely have you ever seen pictures of these kids who shoot up schools they are so [ __ ] ugly you kind of get it a little bit like they weren't [ __ ] there has never been a handsome school shooter that they were like ah he was

gonna be prom king like never once never no one has time to write a manifesto and get [ __ ] that's science okay it's too much detail look i i'm well aware that school shootings is a very hard thing to try to make funny but we're gonna try and i feel like i owe the explanation as like why would i joke about something that's [ __ ] up and the reason being is it's sort of my coping mechanism i try to make light of terrible situations and luckily through humor so that i'm not sad every

[ __ ] day because what's the first thing you do when you wake up every morning check your phone right probably get on twitter or some sort of news yeah you get caught up it doesn't feel like there's something negative immediately there's so much negativity in front of our faces daily that i can't imagine living any kind of life where i don't have an outlet for that negativity it just festers inside of me and makes me a miserable human being if i have an outlet through humor i'm gonna use it you be miserable not me

now i respect that that's not for everybody that's not how everybody's brain works like i had a woman furious one time she stood up in the middle of a show one time when i was doing some other school shooting material and she was furious she stood up and was like you shouldn't do jokes about school shootings and i was like why she was like because what if it happened to you what if you lost your kid in a school shooting incident could you make jokes about it then and i was like this [ __ ]

this is like context you know what i mean it's a comedy show clearly everything i'm saying is hypothetical like i'm not talking about this in a literal sense especially because i don't have any [ __ ] kids okay so it's not something i have to think about on a daily basis but it's something i had never taken into consideration so it did [ __ ] me up a little bit i had to take a step back as a man and as a comedian and actually ask myself like it if i lost my kid in a

school shooting incident can i ever make jokes about it and the answer is yeah it's a hard yes for me okay that that is for sure how i would heal to that traumatic experience are you kidding me second of all it's my kid that's [ __ ] fair game okay there is no way i'm not killing it at that funeral like he was never good at hide and seek like come on man that [ __ ] is too easy bro the kids don't play the games anymore it's easier targets hashtag bring back hide and seek

i like this topic only because it's it creates such a divide racially between black people and white people when it comes to the topic of school shootings because it's usually us and black people love to joke all the time they love to be like oh you know it's all the white kids shooting up all the schools shooting up the schools a white kids sport i hear that joke all the time shooting up to school is a white kid's sport it's funny it's a good joke until you think about the history of sports because if i

know anything about the history of sports it's that if white people are good at it now black people are gonna be way better at it someday somebody gotta be will somebody gotta come in and change the game some of you are laughing because it's [ __ ] up and some of you are cause you're like he's right they're gonna be faster they're gonna be stronger and canceled that's awesome oh cancel culture we gotta chill out with the cancel culture stuff we gotta chill out the spectrum is too broad i don't have time to care about

everything because you make such a big deal about nothing that it takes all of my attention away from the stuff we actually should be canceling and actually should be upset about it's so frustrating like just pick and choose man and stop digging up people's old tweets and [ __ ] straight up i think it's the most bitch-made thing you could possibly do because i'm a big believer that as times change people change a lot of time for the better not always obviously there's exceptions but a lot of the times like there's so many examples of

it in american history in and of itself you could look at someone like malcolm x malcolm x spent 10 years in prison for robbery and larson got out went on to become a civil rights activist that literally changed the [ __ ] world maya angelou used to be a prostitute went on a big [ __ ] so funny about that what white [ __ ] in the back laughing at what i read in february huh he laughed like he hit like you know what i mean god damn she was a prostitute she went on to

become a poet an author another civil rights activist that again changed the [ __ ] world chance the rapper used to make good music his times change people change right not always feel better i miss acid rap that's all i'm saying um and the reason i wanted to talk about this is because it happened to me a few years ago um somebody who didn't like me went online and they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine from when i was 15 years old and when i was 15 years old as i mentioned i was

born and raised in the middle of bum [ __ ] nowhere ohio like i didn't know [ __ ] about [ __ ] i couldn't have been more ignorant and anybody who said they didn't do or say some [ __ ] when they were 15 years old that they shouldn't have done or don't regret is a liar okay that's the time in your life you're supposed to make mistakes so you learn from them you grow from them you don't go on to make those same mistakes when you're a responsible adult yeah so when i was

15 years old i was going back and forth on twitter with my best friend brendan now brendan and i have been best friends since preschool four years old he's my next-door neighbor and brendan also happened to be black so brendan and i were going back and forth on twitter one day and this is when twitter was like the group chat you know i mean you were just saying crazy [ __ ] in there because it was just y'all you didn't think anybody's gonna care eight years later so we were going back and forth on twitter

just roasted each other right he would say something i would say some he would say something i would say something and then he said some [ __ ] that really had me [ __ ] up because when uh when i was 15 i also had ohio teeth like i had a big gap in the middle i had little gaps on the side my teeth were [ __ ] up and brendan says some [ __ ] like you're the only person i know who can eat food without opening their mouth and 15 year old me was

shook i was like god damn that's you know that's a finisher right there so the rose battle was clearly over so i conceded and i have responded back with a very famous chief keith lyric at the time from the song don't like so the conversation went you're the only person i know who can eat food without opening their mouth and i responded [ __ ] um that's that [ __ ] i don't like now if you're familiar with the song you would know i had tweeted the n word in the song lyrics to my friend

and this was incredibly wrong this was ignorant naive and stupid i wish i had never done it and when this resurfaced people lost their [ __ ] mind i'm sorry white people lost their [ __ ] mind they couldn't believe it they thought i had just gotten away with being racist for eight years they were like what you can't say that you're not black you're not in the car by yourself like they thought i had just found a loophole in racism and squeaked through the cracks and black people couldn't believe that i knew who chief

keef was that was the biggest uproar amongst the black community they're like he [ __ ] with sosa i had no idea it was instant outrage amongst the whites okay and this was such an uncomfortable situation because white people love to be offended for other people it's our favorite extracurricular activity to be like oh oh did you did you did you see that won't you be upset about stuff you didn't you weren't even initially upset about white people are like pc gladiators are you not outraged i wasn't now i am and again this is a

very tough position to be put in because white people have ruined every excuse in the book to get out of being called a racist they ruined all of them and fortunately but unfortunately i fit a massive cliche if you or anybody watching were to take the slightest glimpse into my life you wouldn't have to look far at all you would see that all of my friends are black all of them there's one there's others i swear all of them are black i have one white friend and he's russian his name is vladislav and i don't

know how much y'all know about russians but they're the black people of white people okay they're so dope so to my naivety i'm trying to state my case to these strangers online who don't know who i am or know anything about me because from my perspective i'm like no like what are you talking about i'm not racist if you look at the people who i hold closest in my life the people who mean more to me than my actual blood family the people i love most would probably [ __ ] die for you would see

that they're black like what i did was obviously stupid wrong but i didn't mean anything malicious by it i would never in my [ __ ] life mean anybody any hate or harm based on the color of their skin that's outrageous to me the most frustrating thing about the entire experience and arguing with these people online was that there's still people who don't believe me this people right now i'm sure watching being live this is just another white dude trying to get out of another sticky situation and i understand that but at the same time

i also don't have to convince you of a single [ __ ] thing i i know who i am i know i'm not racist i know how many times i've jacked up the queen latifah's beauty shop y'all selena oh y'all sleeping man that [ __ ] is a classic they so goddamn fun in that movie oh so this is when the conversation got really interesting because the problem shifted subjects the issue started with a stupid mistake i made when i was 15 years old and it shifted to white people now being uncomfortable with my comfortability

with black people like they were they were very uncomfortable with it they were saying outrageous [ __ ] they would be like uh oh i bet you hang out with so many black people so that you can justify saying racist [ __ ] like that for real that's how you think racism and discrimination works all right bet so if i hate gay people i'm out here sucking so much dick just so i can be like oh these homos are disgusting am i right on top oh my god that's not how racism and discrimination works i

wouldn't put myself in that situation but they kept going they got more and more ignorant they're like oh why do you hang out with so many black people then huh what do you want to be black a little bit a little bit is so much cooler some of the time okay every white person wishes they were black a little bit any white person who says they don't is a [ __ ] liar or a cop okay do not believe that for even a second okay but the silver lining of all of this is it made

me do so much reflecting like things that i had never had to put any thought into because there was such first nature to me i actually thought about like i had never thought about why all of my friends are black i had never thought about why i'm so comfortable with black people or why i appreciate black people so much so i did a lot of self-reflecting on it and the conclusion i came to is that nobody goes through more [ __ ] and still enjoys life to the fullest more than black people nobody it's so

impressive to me and it's such a beautiful way to live your life because everybody's going to go through [ __ ] but not everybody can bounce back and still enjoy [ __ ] to the fullest and i think it's an absolutely incredible way to live this is going to seem so dramatic but i need you guys to take it into consideration do you have any idea what it takes to have this country literally built on your [ __ ] back to this day still have to fight to be treated like a decent human being and

still have time to write a better version of the happy birthday song have you all heard of this it's incredible they got a drake verse on there it's incredible step your [ __ ] up white people you had such a head start it's absolutely amazing at its simplest form it just comes down to common interest and common opinion the people who you have in common interest and opinion those are the people you surround yourself with those are your real friends those are your real family the world should not be split into like oh white people

do this black people do this if you're trying to do something another culture does you're trying to do something that you're not like that that divides us that does not bring us together and it doesn't even need to be so cut and dry it goes to all aspects of life comedy is like that i'm supposed to come up here say some relatable [ __ ] that y'all probably kind of already thought about we make it funny now we have that bond together right but there's still that judgment until we have that bond like every time

i walk on stage every dude watching is like not i got nothing in common with this dude he got bangs like i'm not gonna think he's funny but as soon as i come up here and say some relatable [ __ ] that we can agree on like who in here like big titties all those dudes are like let's give him a chance see see what these titties are talking about because we're not that [ __ ] different man stop dividing people just because you're uneducated or inexperienced okay that's why you're uncomfortable that's why you come

across as so [ __ ] corny and that's why you're not invited to the cookout i'll bring the potato salad no i'm just getting i'll i'll bring chairs it's okay thank you guys so much my name is matt rife thank you so much you guys you guys are fantastic get home safe please right as a burning road and so how do you feel now that you self-produced your first stand-up special so i would say this is one that sounds so depressing it's one of the few things in my career i'm proud of um wasn't trl

wasn't the challenge wild now didn't cut it sorry black coalition but i had a terrible time i'm happy for everybody who made it happen because we did this with [ __ ] no budget at all the camera crew that's around you guys are so [ __ ] talented work on jobs that i will probably never book in my life so the fact that they were friends of mine that wanted to help out with this um the the sound team the set design like we did all this [ __ ] there was no like official production

team involved in it movie magic you guys this is how you guys should see porn sets you