LIES About Adult FRIENDSHIP And The TRUTH You Need To Hear | The Mel Robbins Podcast

okay why is making friends as an adult so damn hard what the hell has happened and it's like I I feel like the older I get the more boring I get we're underestimating the truth people like you period nobody's mad at you period and I'm going to confess something boy this is really turning into like a therapy session I wish you were really sitting here so you could hold my hand and these five lies that you tell yourself about adult friendship are the reason why adult friendship is so hard mic drop hey it's Mel and

welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast so before we jump into this topic of adult friendship and the lies you're telling yourself and I cannot wait to dig into this topic with you I just wanted to take a second and say thank you for real thank you as I'm recording this right now we are number six on Apple podcast of all podcasts we are number 10 on Spotify you have made us the number one education podcast in literally every country around the world on almost every podcast platform and you've also made us hit number one in

health and wellness on so many platforms I just don't even know how to thank you I feel like we are building the friend group globally that I've always wanted and this is so much more than a podcast for me you know when I when I decided I wanted to do the Mel Robbins podcast I said to myself I just want this to feel like you're going on a walk with a really good friend and you're talking about the that's going on in your life and you laugh maybe you'll cry a little you share the intimate

details about what's going on and by the end of the walk you feel a little better you learn something new you got something new you want to try you wish that you had a bunch of other friends on the walk with you because you know it would have made a difference that is the heart and soul of why I'm doing this podcast and so I just want to also thank you for being my friend because that's what I consider you I consider you a friend and I wanted to talk about friendship today and the reason

why I wanted to talk about friendship is because I am in the middle of a new chapter in my life where I am trying to make new adult friends and it's hard and I know you feel the exact same thing and you know why I know you feel the exact same thing because over the past year as my husband and I have been moving from uh Boston where we lived for 26 years up to Southern Vermont in a very small rural town uh I've been going through major changes and I've been posting a lot about

friendship and there was this one Post in particular that I put up and I'm going to read you the quote and it's a post that I put on Instagram and Facebook and there's a photo of me and I'm lying on the couch and I'm under my fake fuzzy fake fur blanket and I've got my glasses on and I'm smiling and it's a Friday night and this is what the post said making new friends as an adult is hard because the people I'd get along with best also don't want to leave their house so here's the

thing about that post it is the single most viral image I've ever put on social media making new friends as an adult is hard because the people I'd get along with best also don't want to leave their house a hundred and forty thousand likes more than ten thousand comments on that singular quote and it was your comments and your DMs more than ten thousand of them that have rolled in about that one post that really took me by surprise every single one of you said the same thing this is me same boy uh you're not

underestimating how hard it is as an adult and this one really hit me Mel making new friends as an adult is hard that statement is true enough to make me laugh but it was followed by a sigh why is making friends as an adult so damn hard well I'm going to tell you why because I've been thinking a lot about this as I'm trying to make a whole new circle of adult friends and while I'm also by the way trying to stay connected to all of my friends from Boston it is hard and one of

the reasons why it's hard is because there are five lies that I've been telling myself about adult friendship and I know you tell yourself these same damn lies and these five lies that you tell yourself about adult friendship are the reason why adult friendship is so hard and so we're going to unpack these five lies and I'm going to tell you why these lies are keeping you from having the friendships that you deserve from creating the experiences as an adult with new people that you deserve to experience and then you know what we're going to

do with each one of these five lives that you're telling yourself that I'm telling myself that every one of your friends is telling themselves is I am going to reveal the truth because the truth is what you need to hear you are capable of creating the friendships that you deserve in life it is not too late to create incredible friendships and in fact I want you to embrace a simple truth some of the most important people that you're going to meet in your life are in your future and if you continue to tell yourself the

five lies I've been telling myself you're gonna miss out on connecting with them and so let's get into it because I am right here shoulder to shoulder with you in this same struggle okay I'm 54 years old I thought by the time I was 54 years old my life would be a party there would be barbecues every weekend we'd be going on cruises and bike trips with friends I'd have all kinds of down time to hang out with my buddies what the hell has happened and it's like I I feel like the older I get

the more boring I get I feel like adult friendship this is how I would summon this is how I would describe adult friendship at least for Mel Robbins and I'm sure you can relate to this adult friendship is literally bumping into people randomly and being like Oh my God it's so great to see you we should get together and then six months go by and I know we kind of relate to that and we can laugh at it but here's the thing I keep reminding myself and I want to put this pin in it too

for you you ready your friends and you actually mean it when you say we should get together but there's something that's standing in the way of us actually doing it and I'm going to tell you what it is it's these five damn lies because these lies are keeping you from doing the simple things that help you create adult friendships and these lies also make you feel horrible and these lies also make you and keep you lonely and so we're gonna pack them all and I want you to just get a couple simple takeaways okay you

and me were friends and you're not the only one that feels this way and there are simple things that both you and I can do that we don't feel like doing that will fix this problem in our life and it is a problem because friendship is so important and having fun is important and you deserve to feel connected to cool people and you are a cool person and so am I and so I'm going to make sure after we unpack these lies you have three simple tools to turn this puppy around okay because that's what

I want for you and it is certainly what I want for myself so lie number one lie number one that you're telling yourself everybody's life is a huge party it that is such okay we have all gotten sucked into the fake life on social media everybody's life is not a huge party okay unless you live in a sorority or a fraternity your life is not a huge party okay and even if you live in a sorority or fraternity you may be lonely you may not like the people that you're surrounded by and so stop telling

yourself this lie that everybody else's life looks like a huge party and here's why you need to stop telling yourself this lie it's so damaging because when you sit there and you compare where you're at to people's fake lives on social media you are comparing yourself to something that's not true and you are invalidating your own life experience and let me just stop and let's role play here how is sitting on your couch scrolling through social media oh they're going on vacation together oh look at that nice bike trip oh those people Doctor together for

a bachelorette party I hope everybody's life is a party but mine how does that make you feel does that make you feel excited to text the friends that you have probably not what does it do it puts you in a mental death spiral that makes you start to swirl the toilet of comparison it makes you feel like a loser it makes you feel left out and yet you probably spend an hour a day on social media just staring into the lives of strangers and convincing yourself that everybody's life is a party except for yours no

one's life is Margaritas in Ibiza that may be what influencers do but that's not what normal people do and the reason why you have to stop telling yourself this lie is because you will never feel motivated to make the effort and you will never feel Worthy of the kind of friendships you deserve if you are constantly swimming in the toilet of comparison so what is the truth what do you need to do to turn this around truth number one if you want your life to be a party create it that's truth number one you know

I'm guilty of this too I'm guilty I always know when I'm coaching myself because I go that's number one I always raise my voice because I'm also kind of trying to get you to listen but I'm almost like hey Mel stop looking at everybody else and saying there's the party why am I not invited and look in the mirror if you actually want that for yourself create it I remember there was a period in my life where my business was really taking off and I was on the road all the time and it was also

that moment in time when um our kids had gone from middle school into high school and something interesting happens when you are in that area of your life where you are raising kids and so as you listen to me tell the story you can think about it from the lens of being an adult and raising kids or if you don't have kids and you're in your 20s you can think about friendship from the same Lane because you know when you are raising kids or when you're a young kid you travel in packs everybody's at the

same soccer thing you tend to hang out with people after uh you know soccer's on Saturdays your parents are friends with the with the kids that yeah the parents are the kids you hang out with and then something interesting happens around middle school kids start to peel off into club sports you start to have uh your own preferences of friends and the friend group starts to fracture and when high school rolls around and you have more Independence you now can drive or you can get rides with your friends you are on your own and that

huge friend group that you used to travel with it sort of shatters and you only see people kind of at games or at big events and for me it was happening at this same time my career is taking off and traveling all the time we're now in high school so there's not that large organizing thing that happens when you're younger as a kid and when you have young kids and I started to realize I wasn't seeing my friends where did all my friends go and I started to swim in the toilet of comparison I would

get home at the end of the week from work and I would look on social media and I would see people out at the country club that we didn't belong to posting photos and I would see other groups of people maybe it was people who had Sons on the same soccer team but our daughters you know were hanging out with it and they're getting together and I started to convince myself everybody's life is a big party and this is why this lie is so damaging you tell yourself you're not invited to the party you start

to feel like a loser that nobody likes and I felt that way for a couple of years and finally one day I said to Chris like we just don't get invited anywhere and Chris turned to me it's so interesting and he said when's the last time we invited anybody over mic drop thank you Chris Robbins if you want your life to be a party start throwing them and stop telling yourself the lie that the party is somewhere else and you haven't been invited create your own so that's truth number one okay truth number two is

this if you're swimming in that toilet of comparison and you're telling yourself everybody's life is a party but mine and you feel like a loser I want to tell you something you don't need a lot of friends this is a huge myth that I think that Modern Life has slammed in our face thanks to social media because now we're aware of what everybody else is doing the truth is and this is based on Research that you don't need a huge group of friends if you got one or two really close friends I'm talking the kind

of friendship that runs deep in terms of trust if you have what researchers call a 4 AM friend what is a 4am friend a 4 a.m friend is somebody in your life that if you called them at four o'clock in the morning just because you wanted somebody to talk to they would pick up I want you to stop and think for a minute let's say that you wake up at four o'clock in the morning and there's nothing really wrong it's not like you have an emergency because I think in emergencies there's lots of people you

can call but let's just say it's four o'clock in the morning and you wake up can't go back to sleep you're feeling kind of lonely you just want somebody to talk to who would you call for me I know I I would call Jody Jody Birkin she's my best friend from elementary school she has trouble sleeping she's probably awake anyway hi jodes and she would pick up I would call Amy Amy is sitting right across from me right now I could absolutely call Amy I I can think of a couple people I would call Gretchen

Larkin I would call Lisa Short there are a bunch of people in my life I could call so I'm doing okay if there was one human being that popped into your mind that you could call it four o'clock in the morning and I know there is you are doing okay and I also have a confession to tell you as much as I am jealous of what looks like huge parties and as much as I am the kind of person that thinks she wants to always be at a huge party the truth is I'm very extroverted

in my work but I'm really introverted in my personal life and I think it's important for you to hear it's okay if you're not the big girl gang or guy gang type of person there's nothing wrong with you if you just prefer to run in a small circle now I think my circle has gotten so small it's basically become a DOT because of covid but we're going to get into that when we get into some of the other lies but I need to say that loud and clear it is a lie that everybody's life is

a huge party that's number one and the truth is if you want a party start throwing one and the other truth is you don't need to have a huge group of friends you know I often think about the fact that you know some really fun memories that you'll have is with an enormous crowd of people like think about being at a huge wedding right the band is playing you're dancing like crazy it's super fun you're surrounded by Family you got from some friends there all the friends that you go out and party with are any

one of them your 4am friend probably not probably not and we're going to get into this as we talk about the other four lies that you keep telling yourself so let's keep going lie number two sounds a little like this I don't fit in or maybe you say this yourself people don't like me that's me you want to know what is going on in the Mel Robbins head here it's people don't like me or another way I would say this you're mad at me I just presume I've done something wrong that's how that's how screwed

up my wiring is I'm working on this as you know and so I'm going to continue confessing how this uh plays out in my life because I know you look at me and you're like you think people don't like you but you are like the most confident person on the planet like you the you show up you roll into a room and things are on fire melt like I don't what do you mean what I project is very different than what the voice in my head is programmed to say and that's why it's a lie

my voice in my head tells me a lie and the voice in your head is telling you a lie too here's how this plays out for me I am the kind of person that is always trying to read people's emotions I wonder if people are upset with me in fact I don't even wonder if people are set with me I just presume that they are I'm the type of person that would put Emojis behind any kind of text if I feel like that might be taken in the wrong way or might hurt somebody and here's

what I'm learning from the Mel Robbins podcast as we interview these experts and as I dig into your stories and DMS with you is that this is complete tomfoolery it's not true this is garbage for my childhood this is attachment Theory stuff clearly I have an insecure attachment style if I'm constantly worried clearly I've got coping mechanisms and wiring that I developed when I was little that I don't want anymore as an adult and so why is this lie so damaging people don't like me well let's role play this one if you're sitting at your

house or in your car or scrolling on social media and you're telling yourself the lie I don't fit in people don't like me on a scale of 0 to 10 how motivated are you to put yourself out there how about negative 27 that's how motivated you are you are not only not motivated you are more likely to hide because if you believe because of this lie you've been telling yourself that people don't like you why on Earth would you put yourself out there this is why I need to shake both of us by the shoulders

this is why we got to start reaching for the truth this is why we've got to combat this awful programming that tells us the lie that people don't like you it's not true and I'm not just saying that because I like you I'm not just saying that because I know you're a good person I'm saying it because there is research around this it's called the liking Gap and this research uh hold on to your hats people this comes from psychologists at Cornell Harvard Yale so we're talking smarty pants research here this means we gotta believe

it okay it's called the liking Gap what is the liking Gap it's this lie it's the tendency to underestimate how well-liked you really are see you feel awkward about reaching out and so do I do to this liking Gap we don't reach out because we don't think people like us we're underestimating the truth what's the truth people like you period nobody's mad at you period stop living your life as if somebody's mad at you how about how about we flip this instead how about you start living your life assuming that people like you what a

radical idea what a radical idea to walk into work and say to yourself people like me here what a radical idea to walk into a party this weekend or to a networking event and go people like me here I mean that is a revolutionary idea and I I will tell you something I struggle with this I struggle with this a lot this is one that that I'm really working on in my own life and I'm telling you this because I want you to work on it and I'm going to confess something boy this is really

turning into like a therapy session I wish you were really sitting here so you could hold my hand um so when I was launching the Mel Robbins podcast I uh was told that the best way to grow a podcast show is to be interviewed on other podcast shows I mean it's kind of obvious right and here's the truth I have a lot of friends that host podcasts that are really successful podcast hosts Jay Shetty Lewis house Jenna Kutcher Amy Porterfield Koya Webb glow autonomo um the billues the list goes on and on and on and

when I was getting ready to launch this I was telling myself this lie people don't like me if I reach out it's a burden you know because if you are hesitant to ask for support it's because you're telling yourself deep down the slide that somebody doesn't like you or that they're going to be mad at you or burdened by you and I am telling you that I struggle with this and so there were a couple friends of mine Jay and Lewis and the billus and Rich Roll that all said hey the boss babes they said

hey I'd love to have you on the show and I didn't reach out to anybody else do you want to know why because of this lie because there was a part of me that was like nervous that when somebody received a text from me even though these are my friends I was trapped in the liking gap which in my opinion is like another toilet we swirl in we swirl in this toilet of comparison and now we're also in the toilet of do you like me no actually I've decided that you don't and here's something kind

of wild because life gave me a really important lesson so the show launches and we just explode in terms of popularity and within a week we've got half a million downloads and we're on the top of the charts and I got a text from a very good friend of mine Brendan Bouchard somebody who has helped me in some of the worst moments of my life is just a gem of a human being please check him out he's awesome in fact he just launched a killer marketing podcast if you're in business I would check that sucker

out he texted me and he said that I thought twice about texting this to you but have I done something wrong and when I read that I my heart sank I'm thinking why does he think he's done something wrong he said I saw that a bunch of our mutual friends were supporting your podcast launch and you didn't ask me and it stopped me in my tracks because there's a reason why I didn't ask him he was launching a podcast Network at the same time and he had helped me so profoundly with the high five Challenge

and growth day and I felt like I just couldn't burden the guy anymore why because I was telling myself a freaking lie what's the lie that people don't like me that I'm a burden that I can't ask for help it's complete garbage everybody in fact when you don't ask your friends to support you they feel like your life is a party and they're left out isn't that unbelievable we're all sitting there swirling in this toilet of comparison and assuming that people don't like us and it's not true so let's leverage the research from Cornell and

Harvard and Yale and let's be smarter about this let's not let our emotions and our insecurities from childhood ruin the potential of Amazing adult friendships because when you tell yourself that lie now you know it's destroying your desire to reach out and here is the truth you need to live by and I need to live by people like you more than you think so you better start acting like it now let's move on it's a lie number three lie number three b f f remember that from middle school we're BFFs BFFL BFFs are life let's

get the matching necklaces of the heart that is like kind of broken in half and you'll wear one and I'll wear the other here's the reason why best friends forever is a lie best friends aren't always forever friends come and go in your life even your best friends friendships fate they fizzle out and I've even experienced that over time sometimes that best friend that faded or fizzled out because life just does that it's a natural part of life sometimes you find your way back into each other's lives again now the reason why I believe this

best friends forever is a lie is because it puts pressure on you it puts pressure on you to label a friendship and it puts pressure on you to hang on to things just because you've spent a lot of time with somebody and when you hold on to friendships that no longer feel like a great connection or feel energizing or support who you're becoming you know what happens when you are friends out of obligation you start to feel resentment and the other reason why it is so important to stop telling yourself you got to be best

friends we've got to be best friends forever best friends is because that pressure that you're putting on yourself to hold on to things that don't feel right anymore that's the reason why you don't have room for new people to come into your life and look if you've been best friends forever and it's working for you that is freaking awesome I'm talking about the LIE we tell ourselves that if you don't have a best friend forever somehow you're damaged if you don't have that lifelong childhood friend somehow you're an idiot that if you don't have best

friends and you walk around in a squad and you've got Halloween costumes where you're all matching you've screwed up your life it puts pressure on you that is completely manufactured and it's totally unnecessary so what's the truth the truth is you may not always be friends with somebody forever and that's good that's good because you want friendships in your life that support your growth you want friendships in your life that have a mutual exchange of energy and you need to take the pressure off yourself and you got to expand the way that you think about

friendship because when you look at BFF not as best friends forever but best friends are flexible it creates room for growth it creates room for the kinds of friendships to come in and out of your life based on what you need and what you can give doesn't that sound nice I think it sounds really nice so here's kind of a new way to think about friendship it's flexible because friendship is mutual it's supportive it's a connection that is based on energy it's based on what your passion is right now it's based on what your goals

are right now it's based on the effort that you're putting in and it's not necessarily based on history you've experienced this there could be somebody that will walk into your life next week and it's literally like you knew them forever they were the exact person with the exact energy and vibe that you need right now and that doesn't mean that you're no longer friends with the people that you've been friends with for a long time it just means that if best friends are flexible it means that they come in and out of your life in

terms of intensity and I think a lot about this right now because I've just moved I've moved from a community that I was in for 26 years I'm still on my text chain with my next door neighbors I'm getting the texts about the fact that there's a fox running around or coyotes for this or does anybody know a person that can dog sit and I'm also still really good friends with all my girlfriends that were in Mom's groups together and you know people that I've come in and out of my life but I now live

three and a half hours away and so if you're flexible about friendship you take the pressure off and you know that just because you don't see people all the time doesn't mean you're you're no longer friends it's going to take a little bit of effort this idea of flexible friendships is so important and I want to add a framework to it okay we're gonna dig deeper into this when we get to the tools near the end of this which you have to hear because I want that you to use them but being flexible about friendship

is super important because here's the truth about friendship friendships fade because when your priorities change sell your friendships like and I can give you a bazillion different examples of this let's say that you're the first of all your friends to get married you'll start to notice that you start hanging out with other couples more why because the pattern of your life changed if you're flexible with friendship you don't put pressure on yourself you don't like start to go oh are we still friends are we not friends you just know that it's going to require a

little bit more energy because the patterns of your life has changed if you start to see the world differently maybe because you're now a vegetarian or you've stopped drinking or you've gotten very active with social justice or you are really committed to your health the patterns of your life just changed and your friendships will also change and that's why you need to be flexible in your friendships because again what is the sort what is the purpose of your friends it's literally for this Mutual supportive exchange of energy that helps you become a better you another

reason why is that as you start to grow everything about you changes and things are going to start to feel forced or draining because they were connected to the old you so when you realize that a relationship is getting forced right or that it's draining you or it's taking way too much energy be flexible and by the way you've been that person for somebody else as somebody else has been trying to grow or is their interests have changed or as the patterns in their life they got a different job they moved to a different state

doesn't mean you're no longer friends it just means it's not as close of a friend anymore because the connection's a little off the energy that's okay you're allowed to grow you're allowed to move on and instead of making yourself wrong instead of feeling guilty instead of gripping it or forcing it just be flexible just direct your energy in a new relationship move toward the people that feel like the light that feel energizing that feel like they're aligned with where you're headed instead of holding so tightly to the folks that were with you in places where

you've been all good it's all good and by the way when you do that you create space for something new it's a beautiful thing lie number four is really simple you do not need to be everybody's friend you can't be everybody's friend the truth is not everybody is meant to be your friend and the second that it feels like a force be flexible okay here's one of the things that I love to think about is that you can be the whole package but if you're delivered to the wrong address not gonna work another quote that

I've seen that I just love is you could be the most amazing juicy end of summer ripe Peach but if you don't like peaches you're not going to be a fit for that person doesn't matter how good you are remember flexibility I want you to understand this because when you tell yourself oh I got to be liked by everybody everybody's got to like me I got to be everybody's friend that lie turns you into people pleaser that lie is why you are in your head going do they like me how do I need to change

I know I'm a peach and they don't like peaches but maybe if I disguise myself as a plum they'll actually like me stop doing that embrace the fact that you're a peach embrace your whole package and stop forcing yourself to be liked by everybody the reason why this lie is so important to catch is because there's nothing wrong with you the more you Embrace who you are the more you're honest about what works for you the more you show up as your full self imagine that imagine assuming that people just like you that juicy Peach

that you are as you are imagine if you just assume imagine if you're flexible imagine who might show up somebody who likes peaches wouldn't that be a wonderful change that's why you got to catch that because this is about energy this is about you and where you are in your life and where you're going matching with beautiful human beings that are on that same leg of the journey with you that's what this is about so be flexible and man you are a juicy Peach Embrace that stuff I love peaches by the way that's why I

love you lie number five get ready you're gonna hate this one because I hate this one I'm too busy I'm too tired I don't want to go out I'd rather just stay home I have social anxiety I'm an introvert yes I've said all these things to myself too here's the truth friends are critical to a happy life friends are the thing that make life meaningful you deserve amazing friendships and you deserve to be an amazing friend you know I for a long time I've shared a lot about this I have felt really freaking lonely and

I'm okay being alone I got no problem walking into a restaurant alone rolling up to the bar sitting at the bar and having dinner by myself in fact I kind of like doing that I have no problem going to see a movie alone I have no problem going for a run or a hike alone there's a big difference between enjoying time by yourself and being lonely because you don't have friendship in your life and you don't feel a sense of connection or community and for a really long time that was me and the lie I

was telling myself as I was too busy I became addicted to busyness as a way to cover up the fact that I was really lonely my friends were working our kids are all launched everybody's scattered in a bazillion directions I felt like I wasn't seeing my friends and guess what my friends felt the same way nobody's life was a big party everybody is just in their cars driving here and there sitting at home working remote trying to navigate this crazy thing called life particularly these last three years as our kids have gotten older at least

in my case I find that they need me more not less and so I am just like in My Little tunnel and it turns out so are you everybody feels this way it's not just you and here's the LIE you're not too busy for one of the most important things in your life you're not too tired to make the effort for something that brings meaning you're not too shy or introverted or whatever to make the effort and I'm really worried about where we are right now and I'm worried about the fact that because of covid

that we have got a new default and the new default is staying home the new default is you know it used to just be that it was hard to get to the gym I think for a lot of us it's actually hard to get out of your house if you're working there all day and it takes a lot of effort I talked about this in our episode motivation is garbage we talked about something called activation energy activation energy is a fancy pants term that I think was developed by that famous psychiatrist at University of Chicago

chick me sent me high I think is how you say his name and activation energy is the force like we're talking physics we're talking Rocket Fuel force that you need to push your rear end out of your house after being on Zoom calls all day to go see a friend it is so easy to opt out of the book club tonight it is so easy to not go to that new uh Hockey League or the intramural soccer thing or the lecture at the library because we've gotten used to being alone in our homes this is

so dangerous to your happiness do not let the fact that you've gotten used to being home be the reason why you don't 54321 push your rear end out the door and make the effort because the effort's small the reward is everything it's enormous it's profound in study after study after study and there's one famous study you may have heard of it called the Harvard men's study where they studied uh they followed groups of men that had graduated from Harvard for over 60 years they followed them from their entire adult life and at the end of

the study it was 100 conclusive that the thing that brings the greatest meaning in your life is the people that you have surrounded yourself with now let's let's look at that sentence that you have surrounded yourself with sitting at home alone is not how you surround yourself with people and you and I both know it and we're both guilty of this and moving to a new town like many of you have during covet how many of you literally changed up your whole life you had this Reckoning you're like that's it I'm gonna relocate I'm gonna

change things up and now you sit at home alone you have to make the effort so that's what we're going to talk about next you have the five lies let me summarize them for you lie number one everybody else's life is a huge party not true stop saying it to yourself either go make a party or just focus on making a few great friends and stop making yourself wrong get out of the toilet bowl of comparison lie number two people don't like me that is a complete lie you now have the research let's use the

truth from Cornell Harvard and Yale and people like you more than you think start acting like it lie number three BFF um stop saying best friends forever stop putting yourself stop putting pressure on yourself to be friends with everybody forever it creates resentment it is a total lie that you have to do it let's tell the truth friendships need to work for you friendships come and go and the best kinds of friendships are flexible so take the pressure off yourself and tune into what you need in this stage of your life and where you're going

and move toward the people that feel warm that feel light that feel energizing that are supporting where you're going be flexible in who's coming and who's going it is the best way to do this lie number four I need to be everybody's right no you don't no you don't not everybody is meant to be your friend you get to be selfish here stop putting pressure on yourself remember you are a juicy Peach you gotta find people that like peaches that's what you deserve okay and finally the final lie that is keeping you from having the

adult friendships that you deserve is telling yourself you're too busy you're too tired you're too this you're too that to make the effort the truth is this is one of the most important aspects of you creating a better life there is nothing other than your mental health that deserves the effort more and by the way you start working on developing some great friendships and your mental health is going to prove too and that's not just Mel Robbins telling you the common sense that's research folks all right I gotta take a short break but when we

come back I got three incredible tools that I'm using that I want you to use because you and me I know we're friends but I want you and I to start making more adult friends and support each other and doing it together oh my gosh I'm so glad you're still here with me on our walk we're two juicy peaches talking about friendship so tool number one I promise three tools tool number one is a framework you're starting to realize Mel Robbins she loves her Frameworks and here's why I think advice is boring and intellectual and

so I like to have metaphors and Frameworks because it helps me to truly oh make it stick so here's one of my favorite Frameworks for friendship you've probably heard it there are three types of friendships and this helps you be really flexible in your friendships it also helps you to remind yourself of the truth okay so here are the three types of friendships you ready and this framework is they're friends for a reason they're friends for a season and their friends for a lifetime that's it and if you think about people coming and going in

and out of your friendship Zone in a flexible way because they're either there for a reason or they're there for a season or they're there for a lifetime you now no longer are gripping you can be flexible you can assume people like you you can stop holding on to the wrong people and trying to force somebody who's just there for a reason to try to be a lifetime friend this is such a helpful framework let me explain it so these people are in your life for a reason these would be work friends you see them

all the time because you work together they might be the parents of other kids that are on your kids sports team or they might be people that are on your team right that you're playing sports with they're there for a reason they might be your neighbors they're there for a reason these are great friends to have they're there for a certain period of time they're there to teach you something they're there to support you on a leg of the journey called life these are awesome friends but don't grip onto them be flexible with them let

them come in and out of your life love them up enjoy them while they're there with you and then at some point when you no longer have that reason to have those friends in your life they sort of fade a little bit still your friends I guarantee you 10 years later if you were good friends with your neighbor they would certainly help you out so would your friends at work this is why a flexible friendship is such an awesome concept now let's talk about a season so these are folks that are there typically a little

bit longer they're there for a chapter a season so they might be the people that you met in college and you were really really close friends during college and you were really maybe a room together after college but then people start peeling off they start heading in different directions they maybe move away to different cities or they get married and so these are close friends for a certain season of your life and you know I find that I had a lot of really good friends that I was friends with when I was a young mom

that was a really amazing season in my life I will cherish That season of my life I had so many close female friends because we were all doing life in the same season at the same time and when that season ended and my kids went to middle school and then they scattered even further in high school and then all of a sudden the the bomb drops on everything when they go off to college and you don't like that season of my life was over in fact it had been over for a long time and so

seasons are a beautiful thing and I'm in a new season of my life I'm beginning a new season here in southern Vermont and I bet you're beginning a new season so many of us had a Reckoning with ourselves about what really mattered during covid and it's why so many of you made major changes like my husband and I did and it's why those of you that haven't are probably thinking about major changes because you haven't truly accept the things that you were processing around covet and the changes that you would like to make and so

friends for a season are amazing absolutely amazing just love them and when the season changes be flexible because a new season is beginning which means a new seasons of friends are going to emerge and lifetime lifetime friends those are those 4am friends we talked about and remember you're doing pretty Dynamite if you can think of that one person that you could just pick up the phone at four o'clock in the morning and call and you know that they would pick up and just chat with you just because you wanted to talk to a friend so

tool number one use that framework to enforce this flexibility reason season and lifetime Don't force people into the wrong category you know this is a big one please stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be right now Sometimes some of the most generous and beautiful and loving things that you can do for people is to graciously let them go and let them grow and let them be who they need to be in this season of their lives now let's move on to Tool number two which you are probably going

to hate and that is you need to take action that's going to require you to step out of the comfort zone of your couch and the comfiness of a Friday night alone binge watching TV and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone and make the effort to make friends and this effort part's really important there is this enormous study done at the University of Kansas and this was mind-blowing to me and I found it to be again another very helpful framework because I think you know you're not a dummy and neither am I

I know that if I sit alone in my house it's not like friends are going to come calling and I'm going to suddenly have strangers show up that are going to become my new friends in this season of my life I know I need to get out of the house you know you need to make the effort but we're not and Frameworks and research help me go oh this actually is a big deal oh if I do want to change this and I want to stop feeling so lonely and I want to stop swimming in

the toilet of comparison and dislike and insecurity I gotta climb out of the toilet that makes a lot of sense but this research from University of Kansas kind of blew my mind because it puts friendship into a timeline an hour's perspective making friends check this out they studied how long how many hours it takes to make a quote friend and this is fascinating that as a student it's very different than what it's like to make friends as an adult this is why it can feel hard because most of our Lives we were in Seasons where

we were forced to be in groups like think about how you're in a group in elementary school and that's how you meet your friends and then you're in a group in middle school and that's how you meet your friends and then you're in a group in high school and that's how you meet your friends and then you're in a group in college and that's how you meet your friends and then all of a sudden your 20s hits and boom everybody scatters and you're like where the hell did my friends go in fact I did a

uh interview with Alex Cooper who hosts call her daddy the episode is called where did all my friends go and we focused on this phenomenon in your 20s where you feel like you don't have any friends anymore and let me and the reason why is because for the first 25 years of your life your friendships were basically handed to you because you were in settings with large groups of people moving at the same pace through life together and it's just as soon as you graduate you're on your own baby it's a whole big world out

there and if you think it's hard in your 20s wait till your 30s 40s and 50s and now you have the tools so we don't need to freak you out but this is normal and we require effort and this University of Kansas study explains this so if you're in college and you're like swimming in the sea with all these people doing the same thing at the same time it takes you about 43 hours to become an acquaintance with somebody now you're sitting in class together that's part of the time you're eating in the cafeteria together

that's part of the time you're hanging out in the dorm room together that's part of the time when you're an adult to become a casual friend it takes you 94 hours why because your patterns are very different when you're an adult you don't have as much overlap it's why you tend to become friends as an adult with people you work with because you spend more time with them it's why you're friends with people that you live near because you spend time with them this is not just common sense it's researched and in order to go

from just a casual friend to a really good friend if you're a student it takes about 57 hours which makes sense because you're spending more time together so you're sharing more experiences together for adults we need about 164 hours that's so sad this is why it's so important for you to have this perspective and for you to understand it's going to require effort on your part and that's okay knowing that everybody feels this way knowing that everybody's at their homes alone under the fuzzy blanket on the couch feeling like a peach that nobody likes swimming

in the toilet of comparison feeling like friendship is so hard knowing that I hope is helping you go oh well maybe I could be the one maybe I could get all the peaches together and we could make a pie or some Jam or some cobbler that's what I did this weekend I'm going to tell you a quick story because I think it's really important so here I am I always say please come visit me I live alone on a mountain in Vermont I'm only but the truth is I've met a bunch of really cool people

up here and every one of us say the same thing it's amazing living here and I really want to meet some friends I really want to get together with people I want to stop saying let's get together and not make plans and so I'll tell you a quick story because all it takes is leaning toward your curiosity that's all it takes I walk this Loop all the time that's right by my house it's a beautiful loop it's about four and a half miles and I love flowers I know there's five love languages I have a

six flowers flowers absolutely like a psycho about flowers they remind me of my parents I love growing them I love bringing them into the house I just love flowers and so this year I've been walking this Loop for 26 years when I would visit my in-laws uh before we bought their house and now it's our own and all of a sudden this year there was this insane flower farm that popped up and by flower firm I mean this patch of flowers like an acre big and in the spring it was this row of gorgeous double

peony tulips and French tulips and parrot tulips and I would do this walk and I'd stop and I'd take photos and you've probably seen them on my Instagram stories and then as those came and went then ranuncula came up and it was this like triple petal ranunculus and peonies and I'm like oh it's like flower porn for me and then now there's these field of dahlias like dahlias are mind-blowing just gorgeous flowers and there was never anybody there heifer there is no sign no nothing and I became obsessed you guys with stopping by this flower

patch just drawn to it like a moth to a flame oh my God I just loved it I would like Sound of Music with the with the I mean The Flower Patch and I'm taking flowers and I feel like an influencer that's 20 years old and I need a cowboy hat with a feather in it so that I can do the festival photos that everybody does and I just flower porn all day long and all of a sudden I see a truck parked there one day and the truck thankfully had a contractor's uh label on

it and lo and behold that same label was on a truck here at our house because we're under construction so I walked over to kind of and I'm like hey do you know this flower feeling he goes yeah I park my car there every once in a while I'm like do you know who the person is he's like yeah that's Annette from uh Fleur Farm I'm like what and he's I I think she's on Instagram like what so I DM her oh my God I've seen the flower and then she DMS back oh my gosh

really it's a labor of love it's a hobby a hobby yeah I work full-time and I've been really worried about like how I'm gonna get all the dahlia bulbs out and I'm like well I'll help you you'll help me and so next thing you know just by following the energy following the connection leaning into this season of my life leaning into the Curiosity I DM her she DMS back I come to find out that she has been planting flowers in this new season of her life she sells bulbs online she is going through some stuff

personally and I'm like well I know some other women I'll get these other women that I know to come and uh hang out with us and I will uh I'll see if we can't like make something happen and so we get 13 women to show up at the flower field on Saturday I didn't know any of these women and I well I knew some of them I knew the ones that I invited and then the friends that I invited invite other friends and it was this Army of new women here in southern Vermont that showed

up to help another woman dig dahlias out of a field on a Saturday and she and I have been texting ever since so I met all these new people we connected over something we're interested in we now have a group chat called the Dynam Dynamite Dahlia Dames and so Annette and I are texting wait to hear this when we both showed up she said to everybody I'm so overwhelmed because I'm so alone and introverted I never think anybody would help I have trouble asking for help and so as we're texting she writes I'm so grateful

for everyone's kindness and presence and the joy there was in the field this morning it's been a hard and a lonely path thus far building a vision Shovel by shovel digging my way to a New Life before I relate to that now I really relate to that and then suddenly outcome all these fabulous women yes I'm very very happy because that morning was my highlight of my week too so the challenge now is leaning in again and setting a date again and moving the ball down the field because as we know from that University of

Kansas study that it takes time and it takes effort and we all need each other to be making the effort and so the final tool that I'm going to give you is something that is so simple and so impactful and I have so many friends that now do this that I'm stealing this from and it's very simple every single day make it a habit to text a friend just out of the blue and if you want to amplify this take a selfie video hey I'm just on my walk and I was thinking of you and

hey my dog says hello and you not only underestimate how much people like you you underestimate how much it means to somebody when they hear from you this isn't just me this is research that was covered in the New York Times recently about how receiving an unexpected text from a friend makes you immediately feel connected to that person and it makes the Friendship stronger make it a practice every single day as you start your day to reach out to one friend with a random message in fact I want to share one with you so I

love my friend glow antonimo and she's an incredible author and podcaster and just puts out incredible content and motivational speaker and I learned so much from her and she is so great about this I want you to listen to this random message that popped in my phone literally a month ago there was a beautiful face just sending me a video message and I'm gonna play it for you because I want you to listen to it as if she's sending this to you Mal hello it has been almost a month since our last video message I

was reading one of my daily devotional type books and I thought of this and I'm like who can I send this to and you came to my heart so I'm gonna read it out loud you are human you will make mistakes hopefully you'll make a whole lot of them because that means you are trying and trying means you are fully Alive it also makes life a hell of a lot more interesting so here's to making more mistakes here's to living and here's to appreciating the Ebbs and flow of life you know it's it's hard for

us to like maintain equilibrium like we try to go through life chasing and seeking comfort and staying happy happy and staying positive but sometimes in those moments and those seasons and those valleys of depression or sadness you know we're meant to get something from that and then we come out of it it's like we have so much more appreciation so no need to respond just wanted to bless you with this message thinking of you setting you love high five that just like makes you feel good and so here's what I want to tell you I

want to tell you I love you I believe in you and I believe in your ability to stop telling yourself these lies and to really embrace the truth the truth is you deserve amazing friendships you need amazing friendships and you are that amazing friend that somebody who is going through a very lonely season digging their way to a new life needs desperately right now so 54321 as soon as we're done I want you to text a friend of yours and level it up send a video and let's level it up again send them a link

to this episode because the more that we get everybody reaching out and the more that we create this ripple effect the more we are helping people get the things that they deserve and find the courage to take the actions that create it and make it a reality thank you for being a friend of mine thank you for uh all of your beautiful reviews and your comments and for sharing uh these episodes thank you for just hammering our website with uh recommendations for experts and authors and interesting people you want me to interview thank you for

submitting questions I just love you and I love our friendship and we're just getting started man we are we're going to do so much cool stuff together um that's it I gotta go [Music] foreign [Music] hey it's Mel thank you so much for being here if you enjoyed that video bye God please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing thank you so much for being here we've got so much amazing stuff coming thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family I love you we create these videos

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