Covid-19 Origin Theories, Commission-Killing Republicans, And Bernie's Ice Cold Demands

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Wuhan Lab theory is back in the media spotlight, but don't look for answers on cable news. Meanwhile in the Senate, Republicans look poised to block the Jan 6th commission and a leak about the outrageous hotel demands of rock star Senator Bernie Sanders lit up social media. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS, I'M FEELING PRETTY FREE AND BREEZY, BECAUSE PANDEMIC RESTRICTIONS ARE LIFTING, AND SIGNS OF NORMAL LIFE ARE RETURNING EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK. ESPECIALLY IF, LIKE ME, YOU'VE GOT A GOOGLE ALERT FOR HOT CELEBRITY THREESOMES! BECAUSE THE STORY I'M ALL OVER TONIGHT IS THIS STEAMY MENAGE-A-WHA? WITH OSCAR-WINNING DIRECTOR TAIKA WAITITI, POP SINGER RITA ORA, AND ACTRESS TESSA THOMPSON! WHICH, AS THE DAILY BEAST PUT IT, IS THE THREESOME THAT HAS KICKED OFF SLUTTY SUMMER. FIRST OF ALL, I HOPE THIS IS NOT SLUTTY SUMMER SHAMING DAILY BEAST. WHAT THREE SEXY CELEBS CHOOSE TO DO IN FULL VIEW OF CAMERAS IS THEIR BUSINESS-- AND NOW, THANKFULLY, OURS. SECOND, I'M ALL ABOUT BEING FULLY VAXXED AND FULLY WAXED FOR SOME SUMMER FUN. IN FACT, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MY OWN TABLOID EXPOSE: "STEPHEN COLBERT'S ICE CREAM ONE-SOME KICKS OFF STEAMY STICKY SUMMER." WHAT BROUGHT THESE THREE TOGETHER? APPARENTLY, THEY WERE IN AUSTRALIA SHOOTING WAITITI'S UPCOMING SUPERHERO FILM, "THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER." AFTER A PROPER THREESOME, EVERYBODY FEELS A LITTLE THOR DOWN THUNDER. THE CELEBRITY CUDDLE-PUDDLE TOOK PLACE AT WAITITI'S HOUSE THE MORNING AFTER AN ALL-NIGHT PARTY. SO, IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU LEAVE THE PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO TIRED... THIS IS IT. HOPE YOU HAD FUN WITH YOUR SENSIBLE BEDTIME! AND IF YOU'RE ASKING, "STEVE IS THIS REALLY THAT BIG OF A STORY?" LET ME ASK YOU THIS: IF IT ISN'T A BIG STORY, THEN WHY DID IT COME WITH 54 PICTURES? COURTESY OF AUSTRALIA'S NOTORIOUS KOALA-RAZZI. ALSO, MY GRAPHICS PRODUCER SARA INFORMED ME THAT EACH OF THESE 54 PHOTOS COSTS HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR US TO USE. SO, LET'S GET OUR MONEY'S WORTH! WAIT A SECOND! WHOSE FOOT IS THAT? A QUESTION WHICH, AT SOME POINT, IS ASKED IN ANY THREESOME. THE REASON A SLUTTY SUMMER IS AROUND THE CORNER IS THAT HALF OF U.S. ADULTS ARE NOW FULLY VACCINATED AGAINST COVID-19! FANTASTIC! THAT MEANS, STARTING JUNE 14, HALF OF ALL U.S. ADULTS CAN COME SEE THE "LATE SHOW" BACK AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER! YOU CAN RUB IT IN ALL YOUR UNVACCINATED FRIENDS' FACES. BUT DON'T ACTUALLY RUB THEIR FACES. THEY'RE NOT VACCINATED. WE'RE STILL LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF THE COVID-19 VIRUS. SPECIFICALLY, THAT WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF THE COVID-19 VIRUS. FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THE PREVAILING WISDOM HAS BEEN THAT THE VIRUS IS ZOONOTIC. THAT WORD MEANS THE VIRUS JUMPED FROM AN INFECTED ANIMAL TO HUMANS, AND NOT, AS I ORIGINALLY BELIEVED, GETTING HYPNOTIZED BY A PANDA.AgC ANIMALS GAVE IT TO US, BUT SIMILAR CORONAVIRUSES "HAVE BEEN FOUND IN BAT SPECIES AND PANGOLINS." WHICH EXPLAINS WHY TACO BELL DISCONTINUED THEIR BIG CHEESY PANGOLIN BAT-RRITO SUPREME. THERE'S ANOTHER, LESS LIKELY, BUT PLAUSIBLE THEORY THAT THE VIRUS ESCAPED FROM THE WUHAN INSTITUTE OF VIROLOGY, WHERE A GROUP OF SCIENTISTS STUDIES BAT CORONAVIRUSES. THIS THEORY GAINED SOME PROMINENCE THIS WEEK FROM A LEAKED U.S. INTELLIGENCE ASSESSMENT, AND THE CONTROVERSY IS ALL OVER CABLE NEWS. SO LET'S GET THE LATEST FROM WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION ADVISER JAMIE METZEL. JAMIE, WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY THAT COVID-19 ORIGINATED FROM THIS LAB? >> THE ANSWER IS WE DON'T KNOW. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, MIKE BARNICLE, IS THERE MORE TO THIS STORY? >> WE DON'T KNOW THE STORY. WE MIGHT NEVER KNOW THE STORY. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, ARE ANY DETAILS? WAS THIS VIRUS ENGINEERED BY THE CHINESE? >> WE DON'T KNOW THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. BUT WE CERTAINLY DON'T KNOW IT DID HAPPEN. >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT, SO IS THERE ANYTHING WE DON'T NOT KNOW THAT WE DON'T NEED TO NOT KNOW ABOUT? >> WE DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER. THAT IS THE ACTUAL ANSWER. >> STEPHEN: DR. JHA, WHAT ARE WE NOT ASKING THAT WE SHOULD BE ASKING, AND WILL WE EVER KNOW THE RIGHT PEOPLE TO ASK, AND IF SO, WHEN? >> THESE ARE BASIC QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERS, AND I THINK THE WORLD DESERVES ANSWERS. >> STEPHEN: ON BEHALF OF THE WORLD, THANK YOU. DR. GUPTA, DO YOU THINK THOSE ANSWERS ARE KNOWABLE? >> I DO THINK THAT THERE IS A KNOWABLE ANSWER HERE. I THINK IT IS KNOWABLE. >> STEPHEN: THANK GOD. >> WHETHER WE WILL KNOW IT, I THINK, IS A DIFFERENT QUESTION. >> STEPHEN: GUPTAA! NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING. HERE'S SOMETHING I KNOW... WE GOT WORD TODAY THAT SENATE REPUBLICANS ARE READY TO DEPLOY THE FILIBUSTER TO BLOCK A COMMISSION ON THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION. WHICH MEANS WE NOW NEED A MAY 27 COMMISSION TO FIND OUT WHY THE REPUBLICANS BLOCKED THE JANUARY 6 COMMISSION. PRESIDENT BIDEN DID WHAT ANYBODY WOULD DO AFTER HEARING SUCH DEPRESSING NEWS: HE WENT OUT FOR ICE CREAM. AFTER SPEAKING AT AN OHIO COMMUNITY COLLEGE, HE WENT STRAIGHT TO CLEVELAND'S "HONEY HUT ICE CREAM." >> MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT DID YOU ORDER? >> CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHIP! >> WHAT IS YOUR MESSAGE TO REPUBLICANS WHO ARE PREPARED TO BLOCK THE JANUARY 6 COMMISSION? >> EAT SOME CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHIP! (CHEERING) >> STEPHEN: I AGREE! REPUBLICANS IN THE SENATE CAN ALL EAT A BAG OF CHIP. AS A MATTER OF FACT, THEY CAN ALL GO FUDGE THEMSELVES. THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED... >> I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE VOTING AGAINST THE ESTABLISHMENT OF A COMMISSION ON THE GREATEST ASSAULT SINCE THE CIVIL WAR ON THE CAPITOL. BUT AT ANY RATE, I CAME FOR ICE CREAM. >> Stephen: HE CAME FOR ICE CREAM. SOUNDS LIKE I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE HAVING A STEAMY STICKY SUMMER. BIDEN HAS BEEN PRESIDENT FOR FOUR MONTHS, WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO START TALKING ABOUT THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. THE REPUBLICAN FRONTRUNNER CONTINUES TO BE PRESIDENT L. RON CHUBBARD. AND APPARENTLY, HE'S INDICATING HE PLANS TO RUN AGAIN SO LONG AS HE STILL HAS A GOOD BILL OF HEALTH. THAT'S CRAZY. IN 2024, HE'LL BE 78 YEARS OLD, WHICH IS... EXACTLY HOW OLD JOE BIDEN IS RIGHT NOW. PRIME OF LIFE! BUT SOME REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS BELIEVE THE OLD GUY'S APPEAL CAN BE REPLICATED BY SOMEONE WITHOUT THE BAGGAGE OF TWO IMPEACHMENTS, A CAPITOL RIOT HE STOKED, GROUNDLESS CHALLENGES TO HIS ELECTION LOSS, AND A BARRAGE OF INFLAMMATORY STATEMENTS. BUT THOSE ARE ALL HIS SECRET INGREDIENTS! THAT'S LIKE TAKING AWAY THE COLONEL'S 11 HERBS AND SPICES. WITH BOTH GUYS, ALL YOU'D HAVE LEFT IS A CHICKEN-LOVING OLD MAN WHO REMINDS YOU OF THE CONFEDERACY. ACCORDING TO ONE G.O.P. HOUSE MEMBER, "IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I WOULD NEVER HAVE THE EX-PREZ ON ANY BALLOT EVER." BUT THAT HOUSE MEMBER "INSISTED ON ANONYMITY TO SPEAK CANDIDLY." THAT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM WHEN THEY CHALLENGE HIM IN PRIMARY DEBATES. "SENATOR, YOUR REBUTTAL TO THE EX-PRESIDENT?" "HIS TIME HAS PASSED. HE'S WRONG FOR AMERICA. I WAS NEVER HERE." REPUBLICAN LEADERS WON'T SAY THIS STUFF OUT LOUD BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A RECENT QUINNIPIAC LUNCHABLES BRUNCHABLES POLL, 66% OF THE G.O.P. WANTS HIM TO RUN FOR REELECTION. THAT IS SURPRISING! 66% OF REPUBLICANS STILL WANT ELECTIONS? SPEAKING OF PEOPLE RUNNING FOR THINGS, A NEW BOOK HAS SOME SHOCKING REVELATIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN OF VERMONT SENATOR AND MAN WHO WILL NOT REST UNTIL "THE SPLIT PEA SOUP IS PUT BACK ON THE MENU," BERNIE SANDERS. APPARENTLY, WHEN HE GOES ON THE ROAD, SENATOR SANDERS' STAFFERS PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF BERNIE'S TRAVEL PREFERENCES THEY CALLED THE "SENATOR COMFORT MEMO." NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH 19TH CENTURY LEGISLATOR SENATOR COMFOR T. MEMO. "MY BODY IS QUILTED TO ABSORB MORE WHALE OIL!" SO WHAT WERE SOME OF THOSE COMFORTS FOR SENATOR SANDERS? TURNS OUT, AT HOTELS, BERNIE PREFERRED SUITES WITH BATHTUBS, AND A KING-SIZE BED "WHICH HAD TO HAVE A DOWN COMFORTER." HOLD UP-- A BED AND A COVERING? DIVA ALERT! BEYONCE SANDERS! ALSO, IT'S FUN TO KNOW THAT BERNIE LIKES TO TAKE BATHS. (AS BERNIE) "RUBBER DUCKY. YOU'RE THE ONE-- PERCENT! YOU MAKE BATH TIME LOTS OF FUN-- PERCENT!" BERNIE WAS ALSO VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT TEMPERATURE. HE REQUIRED THAT HIS ROOM BE KEPT AT 60 DEGREES. OH MY GOD. THAT IS SO COLD. EXPLAINS WHY HIS PAJAMAS LOOK LIKE THIS. IN FACT, BERNIE WAS SO ADAMANT ABOUT ROOM TEMP THAT HE WOULD GO OUT OF HIS WAY TO KEEP IT AT 60, EVEN IF IT MEANT OPENING A WINDOW IN WINTER OR MANUALLY OVERRIDING THE HOTEL'S CLIMATE CONTROL SYSTEM. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE THE PHONE CALL TO THE FRONT DESK. (AS BERNIE) "I BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE. IN THAT, WE HAVE TO CHANGE THE CLIMATE OF THIS ROOM, OR ELSE I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SLEEP IN THE ICE MACHINE. I NEED TO WAKE UP FEELING LIKE A FLOUNDER IN A FISH MARKET!" CLICK! BUT BERNIE ALWAYS WANTED TO MAINTAIN HIS EVERYMAN STANCE, SO HE WAS ALSO KNOWN FOR TURNING DOWN ROOM UPGRADES AND OCCASIONALLY SWAPPING WITH AIDES. SO GENEROUS. (AS BERNIE) "THANK YOU FOR YOUR HARD WORK. AS A TREAT, I'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THIS FREEZING COLD ROOM. AND GET THIS: THE BED... HAS A BLANKET." ONE MAN I PRAY TO GOD WILL NEVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT IS GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND MAN WHOSE SMILE HAS ANGER ISSUES, BRIAN KEMP. LAST NIGHT, KEMP DROPPED BY THE FOX NEWS TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST VACCINE PASSPORTS, AND AS HIS SEGMENT ENDED, HE REMINDED VIEWERS WHAT MAKES THIS COUNTRY SO GREAT: >> THANKS, LAWRENCE. IT IS AMERICA, THE LAND OF THE HOME AND FREEDOM REIGNS. >> FOR NOW IT IS. >> STEPHEN: LAND OF THE HOME AND FREEDOM REIGNS! IT'S AS AMERICAN AS PIE-BALL AND THE MOM AND BARS. GOT TO SAY, PROPS TO FOX HOST LAWRENCE JONES, WHO JUST ROLLED WITH IT. THAT POISE IS GOING TO COME IN HANDY AS A RUDDERLESS G.O.P. DESCENDS INTO PATRIOTIC WORD SALAD. (AS REPUBLICAN) "LAWRENCE, THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT BY ABRAHAM FREEDOM, NO MATTER WHAT JOE BANTIFA'S LASER BABIES SAY ABOUT CANCEL-CULTURING YOUR EAGLE GUNS! REIGNS." >> FOR NOW IT IS. >> Stephen: THANKÑi YOU, LAWRENCE. AND PATRIOTS LIKE GOVERNOR KEMP WILL NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY THE TRADITIONAL, "ACTUAL" LYRICS TO "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER." SO AS A TRIBUTE TO HIM-- I THINK-- PLEASE PUT YOUR HAND OVER THE ORGAN OF YOUR CHOICE, AND JOIN ME IN THIS KEMP-INSPIRED RENDITION OF OUR NATIONAL HOME AND FREEDOM REIGN. ♪ OH SEE CAN YOU SAY BY THE DONNER PARTAY ♪ WHAT SO TWILIGHT WE PROUD AT THE GLEAMING PLAY-STATION ♪ WHOSE BRA STRAPS AND BIG CARS DREW THE PERRY FARRELL ♪ O'ER THE STREAMING WE WATCHED WERE SO GALLOPING PONIES ♪ AND THE ROCKETTES MET BEARS ROBERT DURST IS AN HEIR ♪ GAVE FROOT LOOPS THE RIGHT THAT OUR FRAGGLES STILL CARED ♪ OH, SEE CAN YOU STOP BIG BRUCE BANNER, FLAVA FLAV ♪ O'ER THE LAND OF THE HOME AND THE FREEDOM REIGNS ♪ BALL PLAY! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE BRADLEY WHITFORD AND JOURNALIST CARLOS WATSON. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" FREEDOM REIGNS. ♪♪♪

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