What You Try to Control, Controls You | The Paradox of Control

Once upon a time, in the tropics, there was a man who lived near a river that often flooded during the rainy season. So, every year, he would build a dam trying to control the floodwaters and protect his home and property. Every year he’d put great effort into building a bigger and stronger dam, assuming he’d be better protected against the flooding river.

However, one year the floodwaters were too strong, and the dam broke, causing even more damage than if he had never built the dam in the first place. Looking at his devastated home and property, the man realized that his attempt to control nature made him more vulnerable to its unpredictable and uncontrollable forces. The man in the story believed that by building a dam, he could control the forces of nature and protect his home and property from the floodwaters.

However, his attempt to control nature actually made him more vulnerable because he became overly reliant on the dam and neglected other strategies for dealing with the floodwaters, like creating a drainage system or placing sandbags. Also, he wasn’t prepared for the disaster that’d follow if the dam would break. In this way, his desire for control made him less prepared for the unpredictable and uncontrollable forces of nature.

Here we see how futile trying to control the uncontrollable can be. We never know what’s coming. No matter how well we think we’ve buttressed ourselves to future adversities, fate can always catch us in unexpected ways.

Moreover, by trying to control too much, we could actually become less resilient to the whims of Fortune. The ‘paradox of control’ attempts to show that the more we try to control external circumstances, the less in control we are as we try to control something we cannot. And so, as a consequence of our attempts to impose control over a situation, it may eventually turn out for the worse.

As illogical and vague as this all sounds, the paradox of control does highlight the limitations of human control and reminds us that many (if not most) of our attempts to control the universe are futile and may even be detrimental. This video essay explores the paradox of control. In a display of arrogance and delusion, the English King Canute commanded the tide to halt and not wet his feet and robes.

But as one might expect, the tide continued its natural course, ignoring the king’s futile attempts to control it. King Canute was forced to confront the reality that there are forces in the world beyond his control and that even the most powerful individuals have limits to their power. For a significant part, the power we attribute to ourselves is nothing but an illusion.

Many people tend to exaggerate the control they can impose on the world. We might believe we control people. But we’ll sooner or later be confronted with the fact that we don’t, as everyone ultimately does their own thing, regardless of how much we try to push them into certain directions.

Likewise, we might think that we control our bodies. But our life experiences show us that our bodies develop and change without us having much of a say: we get older, become sick, die of old age, and even though we can influence these factors through our lifestyle, we don’t have control over them. No amount of plastic surgery, healthy food, or medicine can stop our bodies from changing and decaying.

The story of King Canute serves as a cautionary tale against the temptation of absolute control and the need for humility and respect for the natural order of the world. It’s a reminder of the limitations of human control over outside circumstances. When talking about the limitations of control, we cannot ignore one of the most profound statements about it, done by Epictetus, as written in the Enchiridion: “Some things are within our power, while others are not.

Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing. ” End quote. Even though Epictetus’ view is bold, and the Stoic philosopher could be accused of black-and-white thinking, it forms the cornerstone of how the Stoics approach the outside world.

The Stoics, like Epictetus, maintained a clear distinction between what we can and cannot control. By focusing on the aspects of life that are within our power—such as our opinions and actions—we can develop inner resilience, making us less vulnerable to the whims of fate and the uncontrollable forces of nature. If Epictetus had witnessed King Canute’s attempt to control such a mighty external force like the sea, he’d probably have called him a giant fool.

Suppose the king would also try to control the wind, the people around him, or the aging of his body. He’d find out that the wind is completely elusive, many people are wayward and disobedient, and his body lives a life of its own. So, the more he tries to control the universe, the more the universe shows him how little control he actually has.

What a humbling experience that would be. The story of King Canute and the teachings of Epictetus remind us of the importance of acknowledging the limits of our control. By focusing on what we can control and accepting the inevitable uncertainties and uncontrollable aspects of life, we can develop a more balanced, resilient, and fulfilling approach to living.

Many centuries ago, there was a Taoist farmer whose horse ran away, and so his neighbors visited to console him. But with Taoist wisdom in mind, the farmer responded by saying: “Who knows what’s good or bad? ” The next day, the horse returned, taking a wild mare, so the neighbors congratulated the farmer, who responded with the same words: “Who knows what’s good or bad?

” Later, the farmer’s son tried to ride the wild mare but fell, breaking his leg and so the neighbors came to console him. Again, the farmer responded: “Who knows what’s good or bad? ” Then, the army came to the village to conscript young men for war, but they skipped over the farmer’s son because of his broken leg.

Happy and relieved, the neighbors congratulated the old farmer. But his response remained the same, “Who knows what’s good or bad? ” The story illustrates the paradox of control in that we often try to control outcomes in our lives, thinking we know what is good or bad for us.

Our attempts to control the course of events are often futile, as the outcomes we perceive as negative or positive may turn out to be the opposite over time. The story encourages us to adopt a more humble and accepting attitude toward the unpredictability of life and the interdependence of events. It also shows us that the importance we attach to the desired outcomes of our attempts to control is oftentimes baseless.

Another example. Suppose someone is extremely fearful of losing her job. But, after years of stressing out about it, she’s laid off.

After the initial grief and despair, she decides to take her dismissal as an opportunity to pursue what she always wanted: her own coffee shop. To her surprise, and with some help from fate, her enterprise becomes a huge success. Now she not only realized that being sagged was a blessing in disguise but also that all those years of worrying, tears, and sleepless nights were pretty pointless.

Moreover, if she had been able to exert enough influence to keep her job, she’d then have prolonged the torture of desperately trying to hold her employment, as the capriciousness of Fortune would not yet have revealed itself to her. So, what we perceive as fortunate, may be unfortunate. And what we believe is unfortunate may be fortunate.

There’s no way of knowing beforehand, as life can only be understood backward. This idea may seem daunting. Will we ever make the right decision?

We may. We may not. But the positive side of being aware of the universe’s unpredictability is that one might loosen one’s grip on outside circumstances as a consequence.

So, what’s the paradox of control? How does it work? And what can we do about it?

The paradox of control boils down to the notion that when we try to control the uncontrollable, we basically give up our behavior and happiness to something unreliable and out of control. We let this thing influence our mental state because our desire for control often leads to anxiety, stress, and frustration and can make us feel powerless when we are unable to control the outcome. In other words, our desire for control can become a source of suffering.

When we try to control something, we attach ourselves to it; we want to push it in a certain direction. If this external thing does what we want, we’re happy. But if it doesn’t, we tend to be frustrated and angry.

So, the thing we try to control is now controlling us, as we’ve attached our mental state to it. An example of this is raising children. The more we wish to control them, the more they control us.

Children are unpredictable and have wills of their own, so the instances they won’t do what we want will be plenty. We’ll have a horrible time if we attach our mood to their whims. According to Epictetus, when we try to control the uncontrollable, which is almost anything external, we’re in for a rough ride.

We’ll be perpetually frustrated with other people's actions; we’ll be full of anxiety about what will happen and what won’t and hit by grief and anger again and again. Yet, many people still have a strong desire for control. As if, without it, they feel insecure or, perhaps, naked in the face of destiny.

So, their attempts to control the world around them create an illusion that easily bursts. Alan Watts once stated: The desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing. To hold your breath is to lose your breath.

End quote. So, could it be that our desire for control comes from insecurity? And, if so, what are we insecure about?

Is it because the idea of not controlling virtually every aspect of the external world is too daunting for us? And if that’s the case, what can we do about it? Our desire for control indeed seems to stem from an underlying sense of insecurity.

We fear the unknown, the unpredictable, and the uncontrollable aspects of life. As a result, we try to exert control over the external world, clinging to the illusion that we can somehow protect ourselves from the chaos and uncertainty that life brings. But in doing so, we often overlook the fact that true security and peace of mind cannot be found in controlling the external world but rather in cultivating an inner resilience and acceptance of the uncontrollable nature of life.

As American writer and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. ” Embracing the reality of life’s unpredictability instead of trying to control it, can help us build a more resilient mindset. When we accept that there are aspects of life that we cannot control, we can focus on what we can control, such as our thoughts, emotions, and actions.

As the ancient Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca stated, “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality. ” So, by recognizing and letting go of our imagined need for control, we can free ourselves from unnecessary suffering and anxiety. By learning to embrace the uncontrollable, we can generate the security and peace of mind we try to enforce through our attempts to control.

Rather than obsessing over what we cannot control, we can focus on cultivating inner resilience and adaptability. This requires us to develop a mindset that values flexibility, openness, and a willingness to change course when needed. As the famous Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung once said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.

” As we embrace the unpredictable nature of life, we can learn to let go of our need for control and instead focus on our inner strength and courage necessary to meet fate. As Seneca stated: “Our lack of confidence is not the result of difficulty; the difficulty comes from our lack of confidence. ” Thank you for watching.