How some friendships last — and others don’t - Iseult Gillespie

In a 2008 study, psychologists asked participants to rate the steepness of a hill. Those who were accompanied by a good friend judged the hill to be less steep than people who were alone. This is just one of many ways friendships can change how we see and move through the world.

Friendships can boost our academic performance, help us deal with setbacks, and even improve our health. And the relationships we form in our childhood and teenage years can shape our beliefs, values, and emotional growth. It's clear that friendships are important, but making and maintaining friends isn't always easy.

Let's start at the beginning. If you struggle with approaching new people, you are far from alone. In a series of studies, participants had conversations of varying lengths with strangers.

Afterward, they were asked to estimate how much they thought each stranger liked them. Across the board, participants rated their own likability much lower than others had actually rated them. Scientists dubbed this tendency to underestimate how much others enjoy our company as the “liking gap.

” So, before meeting new people, it may be helpful to psych yourself up and remember that others like you more than you think. You may even want to enter these conversations assuming that the other person will like you. Known as the “acceptance prophecy,” psychologists find that when people expect to be well-liked, they often unknowingly come across as warmer and friendlier.

And the more new people you meet, the more confident you’ll likely feel. In one study, people who talked to just one new person each day for a week reported feeling less afraid of rejection, more secure in their conversational skills, and more excited to meet new people overall. Next, what’s happening when relationships grow from casual acquaintances to confidants?

Psychologists have identified two key features of more intimate friendships: companionship and closeness. Companionship is defined as the rapport or understanding that blooms between people with similar hobbies, interests, or values. Sometimes, just being in the same class or team is enough to build this connection.

And companionship has many benefits— it’s been shown to improve self-esteem and increase our resilience to stress. Closeness, on the other hand, looks different for every relationship. It might mean supporting each other through difficult times or feeling comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.

But not every friendship has to get deeply personal, especially at first. Simply telling a friend about your day or sharing your interests can help build closeness. While every friendship develops on its own timeline, consistency can help, which can include sticking to plans, chatting regularly, and remembering the things that are important to each other.

This holds true even for long-distance friendships. Chatting and texting can keep these relationships strong— as long as they remain intimate, trusting, and consistent. Yet even the closest friendships hit rough patches.

This is especially true for teenage friendships, when people often navigate different types of challenges for the first time. For example, there might be a situation that puts two friends in competition— like applying to the same college. One might betray the other's confidence or make a hurtful comment.

And these relationships can also falter when one person feels unable or unwilling to support the other through challenging situations— like breakups, illnesses, or personal tragedies. The most surefire way to deal with rifts is to talk about them. These conversations can be tough and awkward.

But if they’re approached in the right way, they can strengthen friendships in the long run. Before these difficult conversations, try to remind yourselves to show up without judgment. Avoid getting too defensive or making accusations— instead, share how the situation is making you feel and invite them to do the same.

Some friendships naturally come to an end. Others change. Whether new buddies or lifelong pals, all friendships can benefit from building healthy habits.

And it’s never too late to make a new friend.