[FULL STORY] Should I divorce my wife for what she said about me?

my wife friendzoned me and told me she felt disgusted after sleeping with me so I started acting extremely cold with her she completely lost it my wife and I started couples therapy recently and during a session she confessed to me that she was no longer in love with me and only saw me as a best friend she said she only loved me in a platonic way and this was one of the main reasons she has refused to sleep with me for the past 3 years later that day she also said has built up a lot

of resentment towards me she thinks it's because I spend more time with our kids than with her and due to the resentment has even started thinking of other men I had AB absolutely no idea how to proceed until the other night she came home hammered and begged for intimacy I initially said no but she kept pushing until I gave in the next morning she woke up and said she felt disgusted with herself she once again reiterated she sees me as a best friend and her whole life she's had a rule about never sleeping with friends

that same day we had a deep heart-to-heart talk where she said that all she wants is simply companionship which basically means our co-parenting roommate Dynamic I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable her response was I don't know she stated that she does love me but it's not the same that she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work her focus is only the children for now and that my co-parenting contributions are meaningful to her in

our home I'm puzzled I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point update one one of the main things that has bothered me has been the term resentment and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally mentally I brought this up with our therapist once again and and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long 15 Mars and being together since we were 14 our long history of growing up and

how having children when we were 19 significantly changed the trajectory of Our Lives we experienced severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies two kids now ages 12 and 14 the therapist followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very our kids focused it definitely felt like she was afraid of saying yes it sucked because she would feel guilt or shame because it would

imply she regrets the kids I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye-opening my wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life she also was very clear in saying I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends this was huge because one of

the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how siloed and isolated we've been I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships for the past three plus years we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life especially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment it has always been something my wife avoids even though she's always

been someone who needs that external stimuli the main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been the the kids like I mentioned earlier 90% of the answers have to relate to the kids to some degree at this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator the kids in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing so I simply asked her do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young

I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that she also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it takes two to tango I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these burdens so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually towards the end of the session we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session at this point it was still all very ambiguous and

blurry as to what the outcomes were I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward she started basically saying the same thing that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me I also brought up the brief swinging that happened to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem I agree with her on this this was something that was a mechanical approach for a solution to a

problem that was very much inexistent when we tried this we both really have no issue to this we know it happened we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be okay with that arrangement I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has

nothing to do with me or requires me to do anything that I'm currently not doing I was very direct and said that I will not be accepting this Dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and intimate relationship I expressed how I am not going to be a convenience and that there was more to life than being roommates and co-parents I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to

work for the better I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that if she wasn't it's okay however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated I told her I have no plans of leaving and I do not want a divorce however I made it clear that if this Dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome of course tears were involved and it was a very Bleak and sad ending to the session still nothing was said and I

walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room it's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional the saddest part is realizing this Dynamic already is very cold and transactional here is where it gets very interesting I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day I mentioned to my wife that hey things are going to be a bit different moving forward I'm going to honor her roommate co-parent Dynamic without reproach

and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be okay with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it she agreed and went to bed I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself very short and transactional she asked for for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her she was upset saying I was being petulant I explained to her that she is now fully in charge of

her own life and her own issues we didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time that night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she thinks something is wrong with me because I'm indifferent I simply listened then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply much like her taking care of myself and focusing on myself I'm not going to

lie it has been very hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her however I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friend zone so I've been staying the course we're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say there has been many changes on her side I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just friends and co-parenting I sent her

a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and she lost it she basically told me it was out of left field to which I responded hey friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less this was very eye-opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked I pushed through anyway and basically told her that this is the new Dynamic she asked for and that it's still a bargain because

she would have to be 100% if she was on her own I'll wrap up with this while the 180 has been working in many different areas I am still very much sad about the overall situation there have been many eye-opening statements being said and realization that have not been Pleasant to encounter it has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well she's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while it's hard to turn down I hope if things improve this continues to happen I've also noticed that she's making more

time for herself aside from being a mom which is huge because she pretty much neglected herself for years I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself My Hope Is that as we work on ourselves the marriage improves there really is no telling at this point where this will go we are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome I will be at peace with everything that has been done we're still going to continue

the coup's therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce I feel like having this unbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this no matter what I will always love my wife however I will not participate in an intimacy less marriage because we Both Deserve Better update two we're now almost 9 weeks in on the 180 method I mentioned I was starting and it started to render some positive reactions from my wife so much has changed and it has changed for what seems to be for the

better this past Memorial Day weekend my wife asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee because she wanted to talk to me about something this was huge because I can't recall when the last time my wife asked to talk to me about something important I must admit I was very nervous and worried about what this could be about and my mind was racing with the plethora of scenarios of what it could possibly be of course I agreed and we took some time away from the kids to have this conversation at a local coffee

shop the talk was very constructive in nature there was a ton of insightful information about herself that helped me further understand where she is in life both emotionally and mentally we summarized what the core issues we are encountering are and she asked me for help this is new and I cannot tell you how excited I was hearing something so sincere coming from my wife who for the last three plus years has been absent so after she was through sharing all her thoughts I proposed a plan that I felt was right for us this is something

that I had been thinking about these last few weeks and I was planning on bringing this up in a few months if I noticed that things were not changing for the better this date felt like the right place to share it since it goes hand inhand with what she talked about and it also relates to the help she was asking me for I started by first acknowledging her feelings and her concerns I told her they are valid and how she feels is personal to her and that I care that she feels this way because I

don't like the thought of her being sad or depressed I also told her that my goal still is and will always be for us to reconcile and be the happily ever after we vowed to be for each other and that my love for her is as strong if not stronger as it was the day we said I do I continued the conversation by telling her how I felt about the whole situation and how it affects me every day I also clarified some things that she mentioned she was feeling because I have been very distant and

monotone lately I explained to her that I was very much trying to protect my feelings and emotions from the rejection and neglect and that it wasn't personal it was simply me safeguarding myself because I cannot control her I can only control myself this was a perfect segue way to the core of this approach which is focused on self-accountability I told her that for the longest time I was always working hard to make her happy and do things that I knew she enjoyed or wanted however I was always met with rejection and disappointment which caused a

load of stress on me I explained to her that I had to make a change for myself after all I can only control myself and make the changes that I want for myself I mentioned how I was starting to implement new habits and routines that help edify me all while still executing all of our shared responsibilities including parenting finances and daily living activities I explained that the goal is to continue to improve myself both as a husband and father learn more and be healthier she was very receptive to this she told me that she sees

what I'm doing and that she is proud of the changes she has seen she also told me how she's starting to realize that she feels left behind and that much of the things that have affected her negatively are her own fault toward the end of the conversation which was about 3 hours there was a very high Spirit of reconciliation in the room I told her that my goal is to ultimately make this work however I was very clear that I was not going to live under the current circumstances so here is what we established we

are in charge of our own happiness the key here is that she's not responsible for making me happy and vice versa we both need to seek what that personal plan looks like individually also we're both encouraged to include each other in taking those steps if we want but it is not required we are in control of our own individual lives and our own Journey this means we're both responsible in finding the resources necessary to grow change and heal we can definitely help one another when help is requested however unsolicited advice or help will not be

rendered we are responsible for communicating this ensures nothing is left unsaid if it was never brought up or discussed it never happened we're not mind readers and we need to take ownership when we fail to communicate make a list of needs and wants this gives us both clear Direction about meeting each other's needs this also gives us a choice as to what we want choose to do compromise on or decline to do this list also will not serve as a checklist for accountability we made it clear we would not be bringing this list up for

the purpose of arguing and it was up to the other person to use the list as a tool for growth transparency or clarification we concluded that it was up to us to decide if we will be happy doing these things for ourselves because we care not to Simply check a box this was very important in order to establish long-term habits and not short-term Band-Aids because you cannot make someone change or do something they don't believe is important we also established a deadline Memorial Day 2025 at the end of the conversation we concluded by setting Memorial

Day 2025 as a hard stop to evaluate our lives and our progress we agreed we would do this with the clear understanding that we will independently decide if we are happy here if we determined we aren't happy we will be getting a divorce we would all so both assume full responsibility for what happened should we get divorced for example if needs were not met it would mean my partner chose not to meet them this places full responsibility on each other in all areas the whole process requires that if needs were not met the next question

should be did we do everything to address this issue if yes then we will have a clear conscious of what transpired and know we left no stone unturned if however we didn't do everything to address the issue it will mean the issue was not important enough for you or didn't care to meet those needs this goes both ways in all areas like everything else we established that the main motivator for change should be ourselves and that if we did that we would in turn begin to see beneficial changes towards each other the goal is to

ensure that everything we are doing for one another to meet each other's needs is being done because we want to do it for our spouse not because he she asked isn't Ted it was done because I know it makes him her happy and I love seeing them happy I felt it was important to mention to her that we are no longer required to do anything for each other it is now more of a I want want to do these things for each other ultimately I felt the conversation was very positive and productive many tears were

shed and lots of hugging ensued I know this doesn't mean or guarantee anything however this has never happened before and I can honestly attribute it to the 180 method I've decided I will conclude and will refrain from this method moving forward as the plan now has changed I'm planning to devote myself entirely to not only myself and my growth but to also work on her needs and wants because I want her to be happy by my side she said and agreed she would do the same for herself we agreed we would help and build each

other wherever we request for it and that we will be approaching this as a team as of today some of the biggest changes I have noticed are her commitment to therapy and mental health she is taking some anti-depressants that are helping her she is also more confident and in a far better mood more frequently we have started to explore more ways of intimacy in multiple areas such as physical touch and words of affirmation