A Toolkit for Confidence: How to Build UNSHAKABLE Self Confidence | The Mel Robbins Podcast

foreign it's all about confidence today when you have more confidence you get paid more you will have a better job you will be more admired by people you will be listened to with more intention you'll have greater influence this episode is for all of us because I'm gonna unpack the three myths that are related to confidence and the five tools to build confidence hey it's your friend Mel and I'm confident that you're going to love today's episode of the Mel Robbins podcast okay you ready I'm ready and I am really ready to share what we're

going to talk about today it's all about confidence today and I'm Mel Robbins I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the world's leading experts on change motivation and habits and I want to thank you because you have been flooding melrobbins.com with all kinds of questions and our team uses your questions to program every single episode of this podcast and today's topic is inspired by this question from a listener named Heather hey Mel it's heather I'm curious if you would consider doing a podcast on confidence and actionable steps to gain confidence for instance

in the workplace when your role has expanded and you want to be doing and currently are doing big things but do not always feel confident or in line with the idea that you want and deserve to be there in that role despite that feeling being BS love your podcast more than you'll ever know thank you heather I absolutely love that you asked this question thank you thank you thank you I love the topic of confidence the very confident Mel Robbins that you see right now is not the woman I used to be and I have

spent years researching this topic and also teaching it and so everything that I am going to share with you today is grounded in decades of research the latest studies and it all comes from a big body of work that I've published we did a project for audible called work it out which won all these Awards is the best business this audiobook of the year when it was published It's All About Women and the workplace and how you develop confidence so you can get paid what you deserve promoted for the work that you are doing one

of the most popular courses on LinkedIn for example is called the science of confidence and your friend Mel Robbins created it and teaches it for LinkedIn and so there's a lot that I have to share about this that I can't wait for you to learn and I also get asked all the time Mel how are you so confident I mean I see the photos of you in arenas giving speeches I see the virtual events that you do that are broadcast to millions of people in fact this morning on the Today show I was on the

Today show with Jenna and Hoda so many of you reached out because you saw me live on TV and it was thrilling to get your DMs and a lot of you commented Mel whoa you just laid down on the couch on live TV to make your point and you looked so at ease how did you get so confident well I'm telling you all of this not to brag but because I not only understand this topic and the research I have taught myself how to embody what I'm about to teach you so Heather and you listening

by the time we are done with this episode you're not only going to understand confidence you're going to know exactly what to do in order to build it because confidence isn't what you think it is and this is kind of one of the big takeaways I'm going to give you in a minute and there are five very specific tools that you can use to build confidence and you want to build confidence because based on the research confidence is for all of us when you have more confidence you get paid more you will have a better

job you will be more admired by people you will be listened to with more intention you'll have greater influence and confidence is a topic and a skill that I want absolutely everybody to learn so this is also not just an episode that's here for you I gave this the title of the confidence toolkit because this is a toolkit for everybody anybody can learn the five simple tools that are grounded in the research in order to build greater confidence in order to break through self-doubt and so whether you Mentor people or you have young adults in

your life or colleagues or team members or family members that you wish could tap into that inner confidence this episode is for all of us because I'm gonna unpack the three myths that are related to confidence and the five tools and in terms of my own experience with getting serious about creating the skill of confidence is it's a game changer the more that you build confidence in your life the greater the risks you're going to take and that's critical in business in life for fulfillment I also have the ability to say no and not even

be bothered by what other people are going to feel why because I have the skill of confidence it also makes you an incredible negotiator because you realize you would rather be respected than be liked and see this kind of need to be liked or to look good is part of the reason why you doubt yourself all the time I want you to bring that power back internally that's what the skill of confidence does and you'll also be able to recognize when you're afraid of something and that that fear is just kind of [ __ ]

in your head and you have a choice you don't have to let fear stop you anymore and that's where the skill of confidence comes in and the same is going to be true for you so I think it kind of begs the question if confidence is something that we all want why is it so hard to master I'll tell you why because when it comes to the research around confidence it is some of the most dry boring no offense to the confidence researchers and writers out there but I'm talking if you have trouble sleeping just

print out a study about confidence that'll that that'll put you into deep REM sleep it's also confusing and even Google isn't much of a help on this topic if you search how to be confident you know what the top results one of them says be true to you what the hell does that even mean be true to you and honestly be true to you that is not what the research says the problem and why it's hard for people to develop the skill of confidence is the research has not been boiled down into tactical information that

you can apply to your day-to-day life and that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in so here's your first assignment on today's podcast because you know we're not just listening here this is a doing podcast and we're going to make this tactical and relevant immediately assignment number one be selfish as you listen I want you to listen a particular way I want you to listen and think what's in it for me and so let me ask you a question to help you get really selfish if you had more confidence like I could go and boom

you have more confidence than you've ever had in your entire life how would your life be different how would your future be different now Heather has already shared that she has this awesome promotion which she clearly earned I mean businesses don't just give those out as Charity if a business has promoted or hired you they believe in your ability to execute but now she's freaking out she doesn't have the confidence now when you think about confidence how would more confidence help Heather's life be different well confidence would allow Heather to step into that role right

and she would be able to lose the self-doubt and the Imposter syndrome and the panicking and she'd be able to act like the leader that the organization promoted her to be right without all the like nervousness and crap going on in her head what about you let's get selfish what would more confidence allow you to do that you're not currently doing would you be able to say no would you be better with boundaries are there more risks you would take is there a conversation you've been avoiding with yourself or someone else would you be able

to stand up for yourself Advocate more for yourself ask for what you need what about work would you be more visible would you speak up more all of that that you just envisioned it's all within your reach and so let's talk about something that Heather said Heather said in her question that she doesn't quote feel confident in the new role I don't feel confident and so I want to start by giving you a definition of confidence that will change your ability to build it as a skill this definition of confidence I have been sharing for

years and I think I created it based on the research because I haven't really seen it out there before and this definition is going to surprise you because it's a definition of confidence that puts the research into action see here's the mistake that everybody makes Heather made the mistake because she said that I don't quote feel confident and I bet you're making this mistake with confidence too in my book based on the research that's where we get it wrong confidence is not a Feeling confidence is embodied in action my definition of confidence is confidence is

the willingness to try I'm going to say it again your new definition of confidence embodied by the research confidence is the willingness to try confidence is an action that's what it is and this phenomenon has been heavily researched by social psychologists and there's even a term for confidence being an action see there's this positive feedback loop that happens when you're willing to try something before you feel ready when you're willing to step into that leadership role and put yourself out there and take risks and make mistakes and shove that self-doubt to the side when you're

willing to try Neuroscience research says that you create something called a confidence confidence Loop and let me explain this to you because there's a lot of common sense here right every single time you try something new you're either going to be really good at it or you're going to be terrible at it right but you always learn something but you have to try so Heather is going to step into this new role she's trying out a new role she's either going to be really good at it or she's going to be miserable at it boundaries

you might be really good at it when you start trying to set them you might be really miserable at it but here's the thing if you try something for the first time you're either gonna fail or succeed but you always learn something and that's where this confidence competence Loop and the Neuroscience research comes in because even when you try when you learn a little something you gain a little competency right because of everything that you learned the first time around it gets a little bit easier it gets a little bit better but it all begins

with being willing to try no matter where you're starting from because if you are the kind of person that's always willing to try you will always grow and you will always learn and the more that you try and the more that you learn the less you doubt yourself the less resistance that you have and bada bang bada boom all of a sudden you feel confident in this new role all of a sudden you feel confident doing a backflip off a boat because you tried a thousand times and you belly flopped and you embarrassed yourself and

you got a wedgie and then what do you know because you were willing to keep trying all of that competency that got gained of trying over and over and over and over again it's how you gained mastery see feeling confident is kind of um it's it's almost like the wrong way to say it because that's what you feel after you've done it over and over and over again but true confidence Begins the moment you're willing to try okay and so I I really think it's important I can give you another example the first time somebody

handed me chopsticks I had no idea how to use them was I nervous about picking them up and I couldn't get like my fingers to twist in the way that you're supposed to and it was super embarrassed and they kept like flipping across the table and everybody here's the thing I didn't know how to use them but isn't it common sense that there's no way I was going to learn how to use them if I wasn't willing to try see being confident and the skill of confidence is the difference between saying sure hand me the

Chopsticks I'd love to try I'm willing to look like an idiot I'm willing to be a beginner first versus going can you get me a fork I don't know how to use those do you see the difference the skill begins with being willing to try so many of you saw me on the Today Show today that is the culmination of 10 years of being willing to try being willing to walk on a stage and have a panic attack or a neck rash being willing to get behind a microphone and make terrible content or say stupid

things or look terrible in videos you know you got to remember what you're seeing is a person on the Today Show who has been working hard for 10 years trying over and over and over and over and learning and failing that's what you're witnessing you're witnessing competency but the skill is something different the skill of confidence is trying and you know let me remind you of a fact everybody starts at zero everyone whether you're trying to learn guitar or you're building a social media following or you want to get into the YouTube space or you're

writing a book or you're selling out everybody starts at zero that's how I started zero speeches given zero television experience zero social media following zero email addresses zero competency in front of a camera or on a microphone I mean even take this podcast starting this I started at zero the tech is intimidating there are five million podcasts on Spotify alone I'm 54 years old I don't know how to do that I haven't done this before I haven't been in the seat of the person that hosts but here's the difference with your friend Mel Robbins I'm

willing to try I lean on this skill of confidence that I've built because I have the definition that's grounded in research and so do you you're not going to feel confident you're going to act in accordance with the research of confidence you my friend are willing to try that's the secret you know I'm going to tell you a story um a lot of you have seen my tedx talk so I have one of the most popular and most viewed tedx talks in the world I think it's got almost 30 million views at this point it's

a TED Talk called how to stop screwing yourself over and if you watch my 21 minute long Ted talk you know what you're witnessing you are witnessing a 21 minute long panic attack that was the first official speech I had ever given in my entire life I was terrified of public speaking and most people are terrified of public speaking when I was in elementary school middle school high school college law school whatever I got called on in class bright red bright red my mind would immediately go blank the only job I got out of law

school was working for legal aid as a public defender in New York City and when I had to stand in court all day I was not talking to an audience I'm talking to a judge and a bailiff and police officers and the prosecutor it's not like some big Stadium you're in a small courtroom where you see the same people day in and day out that's not a speech that's like talking in a meeting at work but nevertheless I was so afraid of speaking out loud as a new attorney I would get these monster neck rashes

all over my neck and chest you know the kind of rashes that people get when they're nervous or they've had too much to drink or they get an allergic reaction to food that was Mel Robbins uh the early years you know how I dealt with that neck rash question that fear I would wrap a scarf around my neck or I'd wear a turtleneck as an attempt to try to hide it in fact even when I became an on-air commentator for CNN I was part of their uh legal team in terms of providing commentary for CNN

I did that for three or four years incredible experience never done that before why was I willing to do that knowing that half the time my cheeks would turn bright red half the time I'd be worried that I might say something stupid I'll tell you why because I understand the skill of confidence you build it by being willing to try you have to start at zero and nobody wants to start at zero you want to step into this new role and think that you have it all figured out well guess what you don't because you've

never done this before but if you're willing to try if you're willing to make mistakes if you're willing to understand that by showing up every day and trying and trying and learning and failing and falling on your face and dusting yourself off and like putting in the work eventually the competency catches up and what Neuroscience says is what you're actually experiencing when you can use chopsticks because you've been trying or when you can stand on a stage and you don't have a neck rash that looks like you just got stung by a bee and you're

about to go into anaphylactic shock when you can do that you want to know why you can do that it's because the number of times that you've tried have lowered the resistance in your own brain and body to doing it and so it feels easier it feels effortless it's not that you're quote more confident it's that you've built up the competency so that you know how to do it without even thinking about it and so that's why your friend Mel is so successful because I'm willing to a start at zero and I'm willing to keep

showing up over and over and over and trying and trying and trying despite my doubt despite my fire engine red cheeks despite my flush neck I've not only gained the competency and settled those nerves but over time by doing exactly what I'm about to teach you to do I went from somebody who was terrified of public speaking to becoming one of the most talented respected and requested and booked public speakers in the entire world that's what's available to you today and so the other thing I want to talk about really quickly is I know that

what you think you're up against Heather and you know if you're struggling with confidence is that oh imposter syndrome I got imposter syndrome well no [ __ ] you have imposter syndrome because you haven't done this before see I see imposter syndrome is a really good thing because when you feel like an imposter in a role that's just a fancy way of saying you're trying something new and so starting today if you're in the game of building confidence everybody you got to open your arms you gotta reach out for that imposter syndrome because if you

don't have imposter syndrome you're not doing anything uncomfortable and if there's one thing I've learned in life after 54 years is that it's only by making yourself face things that are uncomfortable that you're going to grow into the best version of yourself if you always do the things that you're comfortable doing you will never ever ever experience what might be possible because you're not pushing yourself and so I don't want you to fear imposter syndrome I want you to see it as a good thing oh I feel like an imposter great I'm trying something new

this is confidence building here we go and speaking of the myth that imposter syndrome is a bad thing no no no no no you're learning when it comes to building confidence you got to embrace that imposter syndrome period because it means you're trying and you're learning and you're gaining competency and we love that around here I'm going to teach you three other myths about confidence I'm going to use a question from a listener named Alex to help us unpack it but first we're going to take a quick break for our sponsors because they help me

bring this toolkit to you at zero cost and then we're going to be right back with Alex's question and those three myths about confidence welcome back everybody I'm Mel Robbins and today we are talking confidence the science and most importantly five tools that you need in your life to build the skill of confidence and we're about to jump into three myths related to confidence with a question from a listener named Alex Thrive around High Achievers when you're not you're not truly an ex othermal or some great confidence and try and succeed at University and this

is something I find super challenging Alex great question and this allows us to talk about myth number one about confidence and that myth is that confident people are the loudest and most extroverted in the room so first things first Alex stop beating yourself up because you're a little bit more introverted and what I can tell based on your question is that you do want to be more visible you do want to have a breakthrough in the skill of confidence because you do want to be somebody that's contributing your ideas and so I want to tell

you the truth about confident people confident people are very often the quiet people in the room because there's a huge difference between confidence and bravado you know they're not the same thing confidence has nothing to do with swagger it has nothing to do with how much you talk or blab on and on in class if you're truly confident you've built that skill you don't have to prove anything to anybody because you know that confidence is simply being willing to try it's not about being extroverted or introverted because confidence is not a personality trait confidence is

a skill that you can build and so I want you to also be honest with yourself go back to being selfish in this episode because you're talking about quote these high Achievers and you're not naturally an extrovert if you're selfish Alex how would the skill of confidence change the way you're showing up because if you answer my question to you with the answer oh I would talk more in class oh I would Advocate more for my ideas oh I would raise my hand and I would put my my name in the ring for certain opportunities

before you know stopping myself and thinking about it if you can answer that question how the skill of confidence would change the way you're showing up great then use the definition of confidence now to push yourself to try those things that you believe that more confidence would be having you do because that's how you're going to build competency in those things you're not doing now let me tell you the second myth about confidence see a lot of people believe that confidence is built when you're winning not true not true the truth is that confidence is

like steel it's forged in the fire of your life you don't create the skill of confidence when life is easy confidence that Reserve that skill that you build it's created in the moments that are hard confidence requires you to try it requires you to feel like an imposter it requires you to start at zero it requires you to do things that you've never done before and if you're naturally more introverted sometimes speaking in class can be as scary as jumping out of an airplane you know and going skydiving but that's okay because you can try

and you can fail and your cheeks can turn bright red and you can say something that doesn't sound that like PhD sounding and you know what you're not gonna die it's gonna be okay because you're willing to try and learn and that's what's at the heart of this skill it's not judgment it's curiosity it's leaning forward it's trying it's action and here's the third myth about confidence and that is you know I often hear people say I lost my confidence um nope nope you didn't the truth is you cannot lose confidence see you're just blocked

from the feeling of it because you stopped trying which is the source of it so let me give you an example if you sit there and say you know oh I must have lost some confidence along the way because now I'm around all these great Achievers and they're always talking in class and I feel like a complete idiot blabbity blabbity no no you haven't lost anything because what's the definition of confidence confidence is the willingness to try and you're in a chapter of your life where life is testing you if you're around all these high

Achievers it's because you belong there and it's because you're meant to grow and that resistance and pressure that you feel internally do not aim that at yourself as if something's wrong with you there's no difference between the high Achievers and you Alex the only difference is your willingness to try something that's a little scary to show up to be seen to share your ideas you know there's this Ted Talk that I absolutely love called who are you really and it's by Dr Brian little he's a professor over in the UK and the entire 20-minute talk

is all about the fact that he's profoundly introverted in his life but because teaching matters to him he has taught himself how to be profoundly extroverted when he's teaching a class now it's wildly draining for him because he's an introvert but I'm trying to tell you you're not in a fixed place and confidence is a skill you can bill if you're willing to try and I can tell you are because it matters to you okay when we come back I'm now going to teach you five simple tools based in the science that will help you

build this skill called confidence don't go anywhere welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and we are talking about confidence and I'm really excited because I'm going to walk you through the five simple tools that help you build this as a skill and Tool number one take action this is obvious I understand we have the definition of confidence confidence is the willingness to try you're not going to change your life or build confidence by thinking about the things you need to do you must take action and so the best action to take the number one tool for

helping you take action in those moments where you feel imposter syndrome or you feel nervous or you're embarrassed or you start to doubt yourself or you feel anxious whatever the feeling is forget the feeling screw the feeling we got to take action in those moments because remember we're building confidence it's going to require you to try just use my five second rule I told you the whole story about how I created it the science behind it in the episode we released way back in the day call called motivation is garbage I'll link to that but

if you're brand new to the podcast let me give you the shortcut when you're in a situation where you start to doubt yourself you're just going to count backwards 54321 and then you physically move within five seconds so here's how you can use it Heather's talking about the fact that she wants to build confidence in this new role where she's been promoted there are things that she needs to do as a new leader but she doesn't have the competency yet instead of thinking about those things she can use the five second rule 54321 to interrupt

that self-doubt which is right there in the interior part of your brain and your basal ganglia it's a pattern to doubt yourself and as you start counting backwards five four three two one your mind switches gears and your prefrontal cortex gets involved and that's the part of the brain that controls your focus it helps you interrupt thoughts and feelings of self-doubt and it draws the part of your brain that will help you take action will help you engage in strategic thinking will help you encode new behavior and habits it will help you tap into your

courage that's it that's all that it is for Alex who is surrounded by all these high Achievers the next time she's sitting in a classroom and she has something that she wants to share instead of shrinking in her seat she's gonna try and the five second rule is gonna help five four three two one and then she's gonna shoot that hand up in the air because you know what Alex has something to say and even though she doesn't feel comfortable even though she might get a neck rash even though her cheeks might go fire engine

red and even though she might stutter or stumble or have dry mouth or whatever might happen five four three two one she is willing to try because here's something I want you to understand you can tap into courage before you start having that feeling of assuredness courage is what you tap into confidence is what you're building over time I'm going to say that again courage comes first courage 54321 you start counting backwards man that is an act of Courage because you're going for it courage comes first confidence is what builds over time how cool is

that right I absolutely love this because what I'm ultimately teaching you and this again relates to all the research is that there's two types of people out there there are people who think about what they want to do and then there are people that find the courage to take action and that's what I want for you because you're not going to think your way out of fear or doubt or insecurity you're not going to think your way through your fears and anxiety the fact is you have greatness inside you and I want you to start

tapping into it it's only through action that you unlock that power inside you and you become the person that you're meant to be I mean that's how I that's how I've created the life that I have now if I didn't learn how to 54321 push myself to try I'd still be sleeping in a bed staring at the ceiling consumed with anxiety feeling like I had ruined my life that's how you change your life you have to take action over and over and over again and so I think you get this you get that you're not

going to change or build confidence by thinking about doing this 54321 stop thinking and start taking some risks start trying put a bet on yourself let's freaking go now let's do rule number two rule number two is if you personally just tremble in your boots when you think about doing the things that you'd love to do let's get back to you let's get selfish what is it that more confidence would have you be doing differently when you think about those things speaking up at work launching your business tackling your health issues putting your online dating

profile up and getting yourself back out there because you're ready and you've healed and the Heartbreak is over and you're ready to have some fun again when you start thinking about how confidence would change your life I guarantee you you're still going to feel a little nervous so here's a second tool that's going to help you try you can use the power of objectivity okay let's make it less personal be the person you want to become or create an alter ego this can be fun you know we don't have to like White Knuckle this this

confidence thing let's have some fun with it because there's a study out of Johns Hopkins that I love and it's about letting go of self-doubt and the study suggest that when you use an alter ego or you create a vision of the future you the person you want to become it gives you distance from the scaredy cat you who's never done this thing before so ask yourself you know who I what I always ask myself I go well what would the rock do in this situation I just love Dwayne Johnson The Rock I constantly use

him as my avatar when it comes to confidence what would the rock do in this moment and I always get an answer and it feels less personal because you and I are friends you can use the rock you can use me what would Mel do if you're feeling unsure and you want to tap into the confidence that you kind of pick up on for me and this also Taps into a entire body of research that I talk about a lot on the Mel Robbins podcast which is behavioral activation therapy Decades of research show that when

you start acting like the person you want to become in the future now in your present life it's one of the fastest ways for you to change your mindset for you to create new habits why because when you start acting like the person you want to become in the future you start acting like that person today what are you doing you're trying you're trying to act like the future you would act so let's go back to our first question Heather when she acts like the Heather two years from now who's now gotten another promotion because

she just slayed it in this role the Heather today is trying to be the Heather she wants to become Isn't that cool Alex sitting in the classroom surrounded by all these high Achievers when she acts like the Alex she wants to be two years from now who's earned her doctorate who is one of those High Achievers who is a bit more vocal who is able to express her ideas when she acts like that version of herself now what is she doing she's trying how cool is this it all just ladders right back to the research

that's why you can trust what I'm telling you another tool that you can use to build the skill of confidence is prepare because the more that you practice something the more you're trying and the more confident you're going to be so if you are nervous and you can't shake the nerves double down on preparing that's right do rehearsals run through it why because every time you rehearse something you're trying it and it gives your mind and your nervous system the ability to lower the stress because your mind and your nervous system have prepared so you

know what's coming see practice doesn't make perfect practice prepares you and what's one other thing about practice what's the first thing that you learned about confidence again I come back to the definition it's the willingness to try that's how you put the definition into Life by practicing preparing for something practicing something over and over and over whether you're you know like uh like the Williams sisters who literally stood there and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls before they were even allowed to enter a tournament what were they

doing they're building the skill of confidence you want to be confident prove it by preparing I use this all the time you know a lot of people I laugh like you know you see me get in front of a YouTube camera or you see me walk onto a stage or you listen to one of my audiobooks like how do you do that I've prepared because when you're ready I mean just think back our own life think about those moments in high school or college or you weren't prepared for the test how nervous were you shaking

in your boots you couldn't even concentrate you knew walking into the test that you were screwed now think about a moment when you actually studied which is just you practicing you feel calmer more assured why because you were willing to try by sitting in the stacks in the library instead of going out and cracking open the books and that's what I'm talking about this is something you build let me tell you about tool number four I love this this is a mindset reframe because you got the five second rule You've Got The Power of objectivity

what would Mel or the rock do you've got preparation and now let me give you a mindset trick I love this I tell myself all the time why it's worth trying the reason why I tell myself why it's worth trying why is it worth trying something if I'm only going to fail why is it worth going for it if I can't make my dreams come true I'll tell you why because everything that you do in life is preparing you for something that hasn't happened yet what did I tell you about confidence confidence is not something

you build when you're winning I think oftentimes when we're winning what gets built is arrogance and bravado and we forget what went into winning at something in the first place true confidence the skill of confidence it's forged in fire I mean I've failed more times than I have time to tell you you guys know that a decade ago talk about failure 800 Grand in debt unemployed drinking my way through my problems and all of that heartbreak and headache and breakdown in my life which was horrendous to go through it led me to the five second

rule if there was no debt there was no drinking there was no heartache there would be no five second rule when I was a talk show host I here I was taping a talk show at CBS broadcast Center here in New York City it was a dream of mine to be able to have a daytime talk show it gets canceled it was leading me somewhere where to this podcast which is my most favorite thing that I've ever done in my career see I choose not to stay in a place of self-doubt I choose not to

wallow in Failure because I know that life is always preparing you for something and I know that your greatest failures your biggest heartbreaks they always teach you the most important lessons in life you know and I keep getting questions from you guys well oh my God you're so confident like what are you're 54 years old you keep Reinventing yourself you keep trying new things like this podcast what is it inside you Mel what is it inside me that makes me take all these risks that makes me constantly try new things it makes me willing to

fail to do something embarrassing or even disastrous I'll tell you what it is I want to get as much out of this life as I possibly can and if you look at the math I'm halfway through it and it scares me to think that I could be on my deathbed and look back on my life and say I wish I had tried that I wish I had had the confidence to try that I do not want to die and have regrets and so while I'm here while I'm breathing while I'm able to I am going

to follow my curiosity I am going to follow my heart I am going to try new things I am going to do absolutely everything that I can do to grow to feel to learn and that's going to require me to take risks that's going to require me to [ __ ] up things that's going to require me to look stupid and I'm willing to do that because I know on the other side of the biggest heartbreaks of your life are the most amazing heart-filled moments I know that in the middle of every failure that I

experience and boy I experience them oftentimes of my own doing every single failure has honest to God equipped me with the lessons and the skill or the wisdom that I needed to be able to do something even cooler down the line and I can prove it to you just just look back on one of the scariest moments of your life one of the biggest things that you just blew I bet you can tell me that that horrible thing that happened that really hard thing that in the moment you're like why is this happening to me

that right now no matter what your life looks like you can sit here and you know exactly what you learned from it you know that you would not be the person you are today had it not been for that thing that you experienced that you survived that you learn from and so what drives me is just wanting to experience as much as I can from this one life that I have and it's not all going to be a Joyride and so I'm willing to take the risk I'm willing to try I'm willing to look stupid

and I'm willing to do it because I think the payoff that you get it's worth it it's so worth it so this moment it's preparing me for something that hasn't happened yet and that free that reframe what it does is it helps me put failure and heartbreak and all the hard [ __ ] in life into a box that is something that stays by my side as I move forward instead of a wall or a block or an obstacle that stops me from continuing to move forward because that's how you move forward you continue to

try and the final tool when it comes to building the skill of confidence is you have to focus on you because nobody's coming like nobody's going to try for you nobody is going to be there to motivate you to try nobody's going to be there to give you the pep talk I'm here twice a week I I it really is my mission that these episodes and our relationship through this podcast is one where you feel empowered and encouraged and you're reminded of who you are that this is like a little reset a pep talk that

you get the tools and the encouragement and the high five that you need but ultimately it's up to you and you got to learn how to stop looking at the world around you and what everybody and their mother is doing and you gotta look right back in the mirror because you are the one person that you're going to spend your whole life with and it's time that you start to focus on that person and getting into a better relationship with that person called you and that brings me to a question from one of our listeners

named Skye hey Mel it's Skye here talk about on your podcast about self-confidence and the relationship among my generation which is Generation Z along with younger generations and honestly everyone on how social media and technology in general can kind of get in the way of your own personal self-growth um I recently went through a rough time and decided to remove all social media because I just wasn't in the place to be on it anyways Mel I love your podcast it's what got me through this rough time I'd love for you to elaborate on how social

media influencers and how just social media in general influences are self-prespective um thank you for all you do for me and your listeners you rock Mel and everyone be kind to yourself oh Skye I love how you ended that question everybody be kind to yourself let's let's take that because it's true Skye so first things I just want to say Skye really proud of you I'm really proud of you for having the self-awareness to realize that your own habits around social media were impacting you negatively and so you didn't think about how it was impacting

you you did something about it and you also noticed that taking positive action based on your self-awareness I bet it started to build a little bit of confidence back right right absolutely so I want to say something about social media everybody social media is not good or bad must say it again social media is not good or bad social media is good or bad based on how you use it most of us are complete idiots when it comes to social media because we give our number one commodity mindlessly away what is our number one commodity

our attention when's the last time you've curated intentionally based on your goals and your dreams your mental health when is the last time that you curated the accounts that you follow if you want to have a massive breakthrough in happiness in confidence in your goals in your mindset in your mental health let me tell you something delete every account that you follow write out what your goals are how you want to feel and then re-curate a list of accounts that you follow based on their alignment with the way that you want to feel and the

things that you want to accomplish in your life I say that most of us are complete idiots about social media because we follow stuff and we give our attention to content that makes us feel like crap and so you're doing that to yourself the only thing that you would be missing out on if you were to delete all the accounts the celebrities the Mindless crap the memes the supermodels that are you know crazy thin that make you feel like [ __ ] about yourself the people that are driving Lambos that make you think that you're

a loser the only thing you'd be missing out if you delete all those is the self-doubt the self-sabotage the self-criticism and the loser mentality that that [ __ ] creates in your mind and so Skye I'm super proud of you because a lot of times what happens when it comes to confidence is that the stuff that you're allowing into your brain is decreasing your willingness to try because it's making you feel like you're losing some race that does not exist that you're a loser compared to everything that you see which by the way is fake

and that you feel bad at the end of the day because you blew three hours mindlessly looking at crap when you got Big Dreams and goals to fulfill for yourself all those people that you follow you think Beyonce who has now won more Grammys than anybody else on the planet you think she weighs three hours a day on social media I don't think so do you think the accounts that she follows are for her goals and her dreams and for her mental health and confidence or against them just ask yourself that and so number one

you gotta focus on you and that means getting serious about what you let into your mind and so take away now like delete who you follow even don't follow me if I make you feel bad do not follow me on social media don't do it only follow people and accounts and content that help you that inspire you that lift you up that entertain you that make you feel good you're giving them your attention they're making money off your attention please take it seriously and here's one more thing think about what you put out does what

you post create self-doubt or are you willing to try using social media in a way where you can be yourself where you don't need the filter you don't need the perfect photo you don't need to worry about like you know getting the right thing up so that people saw that you were at the party in the right look and this that and the other and you're so worried about it you're in the bathroom posting and you don't even enjoy the party are you willing to just be you because so much of the self-doubt that we

all feel is because we spend so much of our time and energy and attention looking at things and focusing on things that don't [ __ ] matter and so I'm not surprised sky that getting off social media helped because you realize the input was making you doubt yourself you realize that you were wasting time and you realized that there was some crazy power that came back to you when you were willing to try a different way and there's no doubt for those of you that have gone to Camp uh in recent years that listen to

the show don't you feel a lot better when you get to camp and they take your phone for those of you that have gotten serious about social media have good boundaries with it doesn't it make you feel better about yourself of course it does and so again I don't think that social media is good or bad I think how we use it is terrible and you can use it for good and I just explained that if you are willing to try and get very serious about your goals and how you want to feel social media

can be a huge huge additive in helping you achieve those things because you'll see examples of people that are also trying you'll see uh the rock or other people that inspire you that will inspire you to try bigger things you'll see positive accounts that remind you that yes you are bigger than this moment that this moment is leading you somewhere and you have within you not only the willingness to try but you have the willingness to face absolutely anything in your life and you have the ability to take action which is what changes everything confidence

is your Birthright it is a skill that you build it is a habit that you keep [ __ ] is going to get hard at times it does for all of us and you are going to fall you are going to fail you are going to have dark moments you are going to feel lost and what I want you to know is if you're willing to get up every single day and dust yourself off and learn the lesson and tell yourself that every day you're getting a little bit better and you are the kind of

person that knows that eventually this is leading you where you meant to go and you're just gonna get up and you're gonna try again and you're gonna do that thing you my friend are not only going to be practicing and building confidence you are going to feel it too alrighty case nobody else tells you I'm going to tell you that I love you I believe in you and I believe in your ability to try the things that scare the [ __ ] out of you and I believe in your ability to tap into the power

inside you in this one extraordinary ordinary life that you have and make it everything that you want it to be because you deserve that all right I love you I'll talk to you in a few days oh one more thing it's the legal language this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes it is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician professional coach psychotherapist or other qualified professionals foreign [Music] [Music] hey it's Mel thank you so much for being here if you enjoyed that video bye God please subscribe because I

don't want you to miss a thing thank you so much for being here we've got so much amazing stuff coming thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family I love you we create these videos for you so make sure you subscribe