A hostage negotiator on how to resolve conflict | Karleen Savage | TEDxValparaisoUniversity

okay when people find out I'm a hostage negotiator and I work in conflict resolution you get a look on your face and when you do I know you're thinking of those high-stakes scenarios that you see in the movies the police barricades snipers on rooftops helicopters circling overhead is it a bank robbery gone wrong a hostile takeover at an embassy something out of Die Hard woman Bruce I like that joking just joking but what isn't a joke is what gets left out what doesn't come to mind when we think of high-stakes crisis and conflict resolution and

that's us it's the couple that's working through the rough patch in their relationship it's the exasperation in-laws feel when a new marriage divides families its empty nest syndrome Relentless arguments over finances for me it's a 14 year old teenager on the other end of my crisis call it's all of these things that might be resolved if we had the tools but are also the kinds of situations that can decimate and Destroy and tear families apart what I want for you is to see that the highest stakes in conflict resolution are happening in the relationships we

have every day if you build those relationships and those skills you have an opportunity to protect and Elevate those relationships because when you're in a argument with your spouse with your teenager there's no backup SWAT team standing by to help it's just you and that means the stakes are as high as they can get and I understand more than 25 years ago my life altered my husband suffered a brain injury it was hard to diagnose he was in three car accidents in nine months and while he looked normal brought him home a completely different person

I was nine months pregnant with baby number six and my husband was now trapped in the fog of his injuries believing I was plotting against Emma after more than 10 years of drowning in my own chaos I knew I had to figure out a solution so I got educated and I began working and volunteering in these fields and then I began to notice a theme of poor decisions that stood in the way of good people getting what they wanted and then I saw the skills we professionals used that could miraculously move people from rigid to

resolved and that led me to ask the question how can we use what the experts use in our own lives and that idea changed my life after years of study I came up with five Universal skills the experts used to resolve conflicts it's curiosity their attitude Master listening connection and reframing and while I can't go through all of them here today what unites these five skills is curiosity but there's lots of Curiosities there's a curiosity that will inspire you to learn something like 18th century art there's a curiosity that will motivate your ambition to climb

that corporate ladder there's curiosity that helps you avoid risk but the Curiosity and resolution it's Epic it removes the Clutter it eliminates the ability to make excuses and rationalizations it uses plain language with simple intent what do you want and how would you like to get there when we're in a fight we knuckle under we dig in and we insist and lock into insisting we are right so the last thing we want to do is be curious about what the other side sees but that's the key and I know curiosity gets a bad rap it's

what killed the cat it's what gets Curious George into trouble but not here here if you want to elevate your relationship get curious and if you want to know how there's only two areas of focus you and them so I'd like to focus on you for a minute and I want to ask you three questions that are going to reveal your own little secret about how curious you are in conflict so I want you to think of a terrible fight can you picture it question number one did you allow them to have their own story

independent of yours question two were you willing to hear their story without the emotional or verbal backlash that we are so good at number three did you allow their story to become part of the solution that's it those are the three questions you guys in life critical situations high stakes these are the things we look for we invite we ask about we want to know and learn what is happening on the other side shouldn't we want those for our relationships Focus area number two is them but how can you be curious when it seems like

they're the ones causing all the problems well if you want a curiosity breakthrough that will blow your mind so simple go home find somebody to talk to ask them questions for 15 minutes just questions but there's a caveat no prompts from you that means no facial expressions so in your opinion no saying I get it I can relate I understand and then you begin story swapping or sharing your words of wisdom over your experiences no noises that come from you [Music] when you do those things they will almost always change their story so just ask

questions it is the stronger way of talking to somebody so let me see if I can bring this into a package for you let's say your spouse is really angry and you're the target well of course you're the target let them have their story hear it without backlash and then take a breath in simple language and using their story as part of the solution ask a question like this is just an example so you said that you said that I don't care about our kids when you said that what did you see in me when

that made you feel that way or one of my favorites is what would it take to make things right finally ask questions before people feel hopeless before kids are thrown into a divorce your friends choose sides because you may not be the one they pick before the in-laws walk out and Miss holidays and recitals now I'm going to just insert I don't know where my marriage is going we've been married for three more than three decades now but what I can tell you is this literally saved it I now know this man isn't a Divine

Exquisite human being that deserves the very best the world has to offer and I didn't get there on my own account I got there through curiosity so be intentional about learning about where the other site is coming from and instead of digging into your own position and doubling down on that do the opposite ask them about their position use that as the start of your curiosity and conflict thank you foreign foreign [Applause]