This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life

my intention is to wake you up to wake you up to the reality of how time is passing you by and how much of your time you're probably spending on things that are not important to you I want you to be more intentional about how you spend your time who you spend your time with and if you value this wake the hell up and start prioritizing it time is going to pass you by no matter what you get to create what you're doing in the time that you have I want you to feel inspired and

empowered to get in intentional about how you're spending your time because how you spend your time is what your life is all about hey it's your friend Mel thank you so much for being here with me and also thank you for taking the time to listen to something that could actually help you improve your life I think that's really cool now there is something that I cannot wait to talk to you about I saw this 10- yearlong research study it's called like the American Time study wait till I explain what this study tells you about

time and before we jump into that study I just have to ask you because time is passing by please hit subscribe my goal this year is to make sure that everybody that tunes into this channel 50% of you are a subscriber it's free it really helps me bring you new videos every single day please please please just take a second hit subscribe and that would be a huge deal all right you ready let's jump in there are six shocking statistics about how you are spending your time and who you are spending your time with over

the course of your life and here's why I want to talk to you about this when I saw this data about how I'm spending my time over my lifetime and who I'm spending it with it was like a wakeup call that lit a fire under my ass an oh my god when you see these six takeaways and the data it's like depressing and inspiring because what you're going to learn today is there are critical moments in your life that change your relationships forever like for example when you turn 18 the time you spend with your

family and siblings drops off a cliff when you turn 29 something crazy happens with friendship when you turn 42 something else dramatic happens and then again when you're 50 when you're 60 again when you're 70 and you are always asking me for information to help make your life better and let me tell you something today's conversation is absolutely going to inspire you to do it so I want to start our talk today by just asking you a couple questions they're easy don't worry about it you don't need a pen or paper you can answer these

in your mind as I ask you you ready here's the first one can you name the last five artists that won artist of the year at the Grammys me either or what about the last five companies that were at the top of the Inc 500 list the last five winners of the Olympic gold medal in women's gymnastics nope me either you want to know why because it doesn't really matter to the average person right who cares but I bet you can name your five favorite people that you've ever worked with just stop and think about

them you probably even see their faces pop up into your mind or how about the five people that you always laugh the hardest with like you know if you're going to see these five people you are going to have the kind of laughter where like your head hurts your laughing so hard or what about the five people who had the biggest impact on your life five favorite memories with your siblings or if you don't have siblings five of your favorite memories with your parents here's another great thing to think about think about the five people

you used to spend a ton of time with but you don't see them anymore but you really do miss them you know what's interesting about all those questions I just asked you I bet you can answer all of them you can give me five specific names or five specific memories for every one of those questions why well because of how those people made made you feel and that brings me to today's topic so I mentioned this research study the research study I want to talk to you about is called the American time use survey and

it's this big study where researchers collected data for over 10 years and here's what they were looking for they were looking at how social connections evolve through the average person's Lifetime and I'm sure you've heard that saying it's all over the internet that you are the average of The Five People You spend the most time with and there's no doubt that having healthy relationships with other people and with yourself is one of the single most important pillars of a great life now what we're going to look at today is what the research found over 10

years about who you spend time with over the course of your lifetime and how that changes over the course of your lifetime now one giant caveat is that they only looked at data over 10 years with americ Americans and regardless of where you're listening though or whatever your cultural background might be I guarantee you there is something that you will learn in this data that will make you approach your relationships differently it will make you look at friendship your relationship with your parents or your siblings where you're working your relationship with your kids with your

partner with yourself in a very different way I know it did for me and so here's my intention with our conversation today my intention is to wake you up to wake you up to the reality of how time is passing you by and how much of your time you're probably spending on things that are not important to you and so here's how the conversation's going to go today I'm going to walk you through the six key takeaways and if you want to see the data and the charts which I think you would find them very

compelling all you got to do is go to my social media Mel Robbins that's the handle on all the accounts or go down to the resources which we have for every show and we will link to the post because I want you to see the grassp with your own eyes because they are so compelling and I got them right here in my hand okay and when you see the reality and that's what I want to hammer into your head and my head the reality the reality of how time is impacting your relationships with your parents

your siblings your partner your friends your kids and your co- workers this is not a fantasy this is the reality of your life and I want you to be more intentional from this point forward about how you spend your time who you spend your time with that's what this is about to align your life with choices that match the reality of how fast time is going by and look everything that's already happened that's in the rearview mirror we cannot change the past we know that but you can learn from it and you can learn from

this data and you can take from this moment and look forward and you can use the data you're about to learn to change your life for the better so let's go through these six crazy statistics on who you spend your time with over the course of your life and the first one is about family so let's talk about your family I mean everybody loves to complain about their family don't we in fact as I record this right now I'm in a bit of a little like you know tiff with one of our kids they haven't

talked to me in 40 8 hours and so I'm not immune to uh the kind of challenges that can come in family relationships but this little tiff will pass and I notice that anytime I post something online about narcissism or toxic Behavior you guys go crazy over those kind of posts yeah yeah cut them out of my life yeah narcissists but today I want to talk about the reality and the reality is your time with your family is limited and I'm talking about both your parents and your siblings your time is limited and I'm going

to break this down for you because I don't think we stop and think about this in terms of the data we think about it in terms of kind of generally how your life feels but let me just explain what happens for the average person from 0 to 18 those are the years that you will spend the most amount of time that you have with your parents and your siblings and sometimes that time can feel like a prison but the truth is when you zoom out and you really look at the data it's very sobering here

it is when you turn 18 the amount of time that you spend with siblings and parents it basically drops off a cliff and you know this and it keeps dropping until you reach about age 26 and when you reach age 26 based on the data you are now at a flatline for the rest of your life that whatever time you're spending on a daily basis with your family meaning your parents and your siblings that's it and if you're lucky it tops out at less than an hour a day now for those of you that are

part of a big family farm or you have a big family business or you're a family where you have a multigenerational house which I think is super cool you see your family a little bit more than average but I want you to stop and think about this you never see your family do you mean we lived a mile from Chris's oldest brother as we were raising our kids outside of Boston we never saw them and Chris and I we would talk about it all the time why don't we hang out with your brother more it's

almost like because they're family you sort of put them in the box of just defaulting to see them over the holidays right and here's another example my mother-in-law she lives three miles from me now she's 86 and her social calendar is busier than mine plus I work full-time I'm lucky when she's here in Vermont if I see her once every two weeks why I don't know I guess I don't really prioritize it it's not that I don't like her I just don't really think about it and let me just take a giant highlighter and really

put this in perspective about how fleeting your time is with your parents and your siblings my dad Bob he is turning 80 this year his father was dead by the age of 881 Chris's dad died at the age of 69 from esophageal cancer so let's just say I'm lucky and my dad lives another 10 years now my dad and mom they live in Michigan so I only see my dad three or four times a year so let's put that in the context of how much time I have with him if he lives 10 years that's

30 more weekends with my dad when you do the math that way doesn't it make you think differently about it like take my sibling my brother he lives in Chicago and dereck's got two twin boys who are freshmen in high school and his public high school schedule and our public high school schedule they are not on the same breaks ever and so it's not like we can go on spring break together plus his kids are in competitive Sports All Summer Long our son's going to go to college next year when are we going to see

each other and this isn't a statistic where I'm trying to guilt you this is the facts and I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents or with your siblings so I want to ask you this question in the context of this statistic especially as your parents are getting older if you think about this moment and you look forward and you think about the limited amount of time that you have what kind of daughter or son do you want to be from this moment moving on what kind of a brother or sister

do you want to be from this moment moving forward and look maybe you've been listening to The Experts that we've had on narcissism and difficult people and you're like that's it I'm cutting them out but for most of us when you really stop and think about the reality that time is slipping through your hands and this person is the way that they are and they are the way that they are because of their upbringing their past experiences and their unhealed trauma and there's nothing you're going to do to change it but who do you want

to be and I want you to really think about this this is why I call my parents three times a week I I just do it to check in because of who I want to be and I find personally that the more that I check in the better our relationship is the more that they soften the warmer that they are and I realize why it's because when I call they don't feel forgotten and it does make me incredibly sad to think that I might only spend 30 more weekends with my dad and look I I

need to say my mom and dad but my dad's older so he's the one that's top of mine and my mom just turned 75 she's still kicking so Mom I need to see you too in case you're listening and as I'm sitting here I can't help but think and I bet you're starting to think this too you know maybe I should find a weekend uh in the next month to go down and see them I mean you just never know right even though I saw them a couple weeks ago maybe I should make another plan

and I think that's a big takeaway first of all your time is limited do the math and think about how little time you actually have and the second big takeaway is always have the next plan for when you're going to see them next that helps me a ton to know that I've got something in the books we have something to look forward to and that I'm checking in just because that's the kind of person that I want to be and it's important that you think about this because enjoying your relationships it's not just about savoring

them and being grateful that you have the time to have with them because we all and I I don't mean to be making fun of being grateful but it can become very surface level my message today is look at the data look at the reality and if you value this your parents and your siblings wake the hell up and start prioritizing it and that's what I've been doing in fact over the holidays we went on two back-to-back grandparent trips I don't know if you've done any of those but when the big milestone birthday happens it's

pretty awesome Chris's mom turned 85 and so she brought together her three sons and all the kids which meant nine cousins six adults and Judy and her partner on two sailboats it was super awesome and here's what I realized as we were all together do you know the last time that all 18 of us got together it was 10 years ago and I bet that's true with your family too because the older you get the harder it is to get everybody together like if I think about my family on Chris's side nine cousins they're all

over the place we've got cousins in Texas and Colorado and New York City and some in college and some graduate and they're living their lives it's the reality and it's difficult to get that many people together and so I'm proud that we did that for Chris's mom for her 85th and by the way right after that we went and spent the weekend with my entire family to celebrate my mom 75th and if you've ever been at a big Gathering like that a milestone birthday for a parent or a grandparent where everybody's there I'm willing to

bet it's one of the happiest times you'll ever see him because it's insanely difficult to get everyone together once people turn 18 and that is what the state is saying your time with your family is incredibly scarce Once you turn 18 take it seriously and you want to know one thing I'd love for you to do one way you could take it seriously share this episode with your siblings and your parents and your kids and your favorite niece or nephew or your cousin or your favorite aunt and if you're listening to my voice right now

because one of your family members sent this episode to you the message from that person in your family to you that they wanted me to deliver is this they miss you they love you this matters so let's get a date on the calendar and let's get together because we're going to regret it if we don't and time is going to keep on going regardless of what we do with it so make a date and make it happen I told you this would be eye opening and sobering and inspiring and that's just statistic number one about

who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime we still have five more statistics to unpack all of them equally profound the next one is very eye openening because it's about what happens to you between the ages of 20 and 60 this 40e span during the ages of 20 and 60 who do you think you're spending most of your time with the answer will surprise you and we're going to unpack it when we come back stay with us welcome back it's your friend Mel and you and I are talking about six shocking

statistics I got the graphs right here in my hand and it's shocking statistics from a 10-year study on who you spend your time with over the course of your life and this really changed a lot for me it's a study called the American Time study it's a 10-year study and when I first saw these six takeaways from the study it was depressing and then once I kind of sobered up a little bit from the depressing news it lit a fire under my ass and it pushed me to prioritize certain relationships while I still have the

time to do it now you and I have already covered takeaway number one which is when you turn 18 the amount of time you spend with your parents and your siblings Falls right off a cliff and then it flat lines at age 26 for the rest of your life and if that bothers you the message is do something about it this is happening not because your siblings hate you this is happening because of how we start to spend our time as we age there is data that explains all this but just because this is the

average you don't have to be the average you got that good so let's dig into the next five okay and this next one is really interesting the second key takeaway shows who you spend the most time with between the ages of 20 and 60 any guesses if you guessed your co-workers bing bing bing bing bing you're right so what is the takeaway from this well the takeaway is something that I believe is really important for you to grasp it's this the people that you work with day in and day out have a huge impact on

the quality of your life because based on Research 40 Years of your life these are the people you spend the most time with be choosy it's not just about the money if you prioritize a great work environment which I want you to do you're not only going to reach your financial goals but you will also surround yourself with co-workers that create energy in your life and that help you tap into a deeper potential inside of you see your co-workers are a net positive or a net negative and so I want you to think about this

because you know we think about work in a really selfish and narrow way what's my job what's my title how much money do I make how do I climb the ladder how do I get this how do I get that but I want you to kind of lift your head up and wake up to the fact that you're going to spend 40 years in the workforce or volunteering or doing something outside the house and the people that you are doing that with really matter companies are not just spreadsheets companies are made up of people so

pick good people and one more thing because I can hear you start to go but but you're not stuck with a boss you're not stuck with a toxic coworker you're not stuck where you're working right right now and if I ask you name your three favorite co-workers that you've ever worked with immediately three faces would pop into your mind you'd immediately remember laughing in the break room or that allnighter that you pilled doing something or some other thing that you did while you're on the road for work if I asked you name the most toxic

person you've ever worked with boom bad apple right there cannot stand that person see them coming duck into a cubicle oh my God avoid them like the plague in fact there's research that shows that person you're thinking about if they are festering they can take down an entire team it's called the Bad Apple effect this is how important the people around you are in terms of influencing how you feel in your day-to-day life and there's just endless research about why people leave jobs and one of the biggest reasons why people leave a job this comes

from Gallup number one reason is because they can't stand the person they work for so here are the takeaways do not stay in a job you hate with people you hate do not tell me you need the money because the fact is if you have this job paying you this much money you can find another job in a better environment that also pays you that money and I'm not hearing your excuses I'm not hearing any of the BS that you're about to spit out that you can't make it happen or I live in this place

but I'm this years old but but this is 40 Years of your freaking life second if you don't like the people you're working with be intentional about either getting out of that company or cultivating relationships with people in other departments while you're looking for another job and finally just like there can be a bad apple at work W be the ripe Apple don't let the attitude of where you're working bring down your attitude because there's always something you can do and I want to wake you up to the fact that where you work and how

you feel at work and the people that you are spending time with are going to make up 40 Years of your life and as time is passing and it's going to keep on passing you get to choose whether you're going to be in a place that lifts you up or brings you down and that's takeaway number two between the ages of 20 and 60 you spend the majority of your time with your co-workers so get serious about where you're working all right let's go to the third statistic and I'm going to warn you the third

statistic right here got the chart right here this one's a little sad because it explains why you never see your friends I want you to reflect on your own life for a minute can you pinpoint the age when you really started to feel like you didn't see your friends as much you got that age of mind it probably doesn't surprise you when you hear that for the average person the time you spend with friends starts to decline at the age of 21 and over the course of your 20s you start to see less and less

of your friends and that brings us to the pivotal age of 29 where all of a sudden the amount of time that you spend with your friends on a daily basis drops off for the rest of your life and for most people here's what that means your friends become the group that you spend the least amount of time with as you age I'm going to say that again for most people as you age friends are the group of people you will spend the least amount of time with and if you stop and think about it

it kind of makes sense right I mean just think about your own experience you saw your friends every day in Middle School in high school or if you went to college or to trade school and then what happens you graduate and maybe for a year some you move in together and then exactly what the data says starts to happen in your 20s doesn't it everyone starts to do what you're supposed to do you start focusing on your own life and creating a life for yourself maybe you move to a different city or you have different

roommates or you take a job that takes you in a new direction or you go to graduate school and that consumes your life or you meet somebody and start fing in love and then you start to spend more time with them and slowly but surely it's not the same in fact I see our daughters going through this right now they're 25 23 post colle and the words they use evaporate dispersing everyone I went to school with is going in different directions and I really feel it and based on the data this is going to keep

happening until you turn 29 and unless you do something about it the amount of time that you're going to spend with friends after you're 29 it flatlines why well you now know because it takes way number two you're spending all that time with your co-workers and as you're going to learn in the next three statistics a partner starts to enter the scene perhaps children if you decide to have them they start to enter into your world as well but here's my message this data is the average but you are not average this is what happens

to people who are not paying attention who are just letting life sweep them Downstream you can create whatever you want in fact you know as I think about some of the conversations that we've had recently you'll probably remember me saying that one of the main reasons why people get so stuck and lost in life is because they don't know what they want and that's why I was like oh my God I have to talk to you about the American Time study I have to share these statistics with you because I want to wake you up

and make you realize that this data is reflective of what's Happening happening in your life and if you're feeling lonely or you've lost touch with friends and it bothers you you don't have to live like that if you don't want to be in a crappy work environment you don't have to let it Define your life for a decade if you like your family and you really want to see them and you kind of you got to make it a priority I'm not immune to any of this data either I mean I feel like my friendships

evaporated and I also feel I don't know if you feel this way maybe this is something that happens when you get older but I tend to feel like the people that I like also would prefer to be in bed on a Friday night you know I'm the kind of person that I can text you at 9:35 P p.m. and be sound asleep at 9:37 so having this framework and having these statistics and these graphs that you can check out and the resources it really helped me because I'm like oh it's not just me oh this

makes a lot of sense oh this is what happens in life when you're not really intentional about what you want and so let me share a framework with you that has really helped me around friendship because I do want to see my friends but this framework will really simplify it you ready when you think about friendship think about twps and I'm talking about cultivating friendships so you are going to be friends naturally based on the first p and the first p is patterns so when you have overlapping patterns in your life you tend to become

friends with people for example work you show show up at work every single day that's a pattern you tend to become friends with people at work because you have an overlapping pattern another one your kids are playing on the same sports team there's a pattern another one maybe you've taken a pickle ball and you're in the same league or you're taking an introduction to pickle ball class there's a pattern you can become friends with those people you frequent the same coffee shop there's another pattern that overlaps you with other people and makes it easier for

you to become friends now that brings me to the second p you're only going to see the people and become friends with people that you prioritize period end of story because even if you have all these patterns in your life and you bump into people at the coffee shop or at work or you stand next to them on the sidelines unless you prioritize it you make a dinner date you invite them to a painting class at the local Museum it doesn't happen and you don't always need to make new friends based on the patterns most

of the people that I love and that you love they probably don't live anywhere near you I know it's annoying but you've got to make it a priority to create a plan to get together once a year that's it patterns prioritize otherwise what after 29 you're screwed it drops off a cliff and you're not going to see these people it's happening for everybody but it doesn't have to happen for you so that covers the first three statistics and there are three more incredible time truths about who you spend your time with over the course of

your life and if this last one about friends or the family was like oh God that's so depressing I don't know if I can keep listening you better keep listening because there's a whole lot of good news coming up and the whole point of this conversation is for me to get you to truly stop time for a minute and ask yourself what do I actually want what do I want to feel in my life who do I want to see in my life who do I want to surround myself in my life who is a

priority moving forward and I think you're starting to get my main message loud and clear time is going to pass you by no matter what you get to create what you're doing in the time that you have so coming up we're going to talk about what happens when you turn 29 yes your friendships fall off the cliff in Flatline but something else interesting happens there's actually a person that you will be spending more and more time with for the rest of your life and we're going to talk about who that person is when we come

back stay with us welcome back it's your friend Mel Robbins and you and I are talking about the American Time study and six shocking statistics on who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime and you've already learned that at the age of 18 the time you spend with your parents and siblings drops off a cliff unless you do something about it I hope you have already forwarded them this episode you're probably thinking also about the fact that statistic number two 40 Years of your life you're going to spend it with your

co-workers and now you're thinking as you're driving to work oh my God I got to look for a different job or hopefully you're thinking I I'm the luckiest person on the planet I work with people that I love how cool is this we've also just unpacked the third statistic about friendship and how friendships basically Peak at the age of 18 meaning the amount of time you spend every day with them and as you get older it gets harder and harder and harder to spend time with friends unless you pay attention to the twps I taught

you what are the patterns in your life and who are you making it a priority to spend time with take the initiative and I just want to remind you again that this awareness of these trends of how you're spending time self-awareness is the foundation of creating a better life because if you don't know what the issue is you're never going to be able to solve it and the issue is simply that we all just go through life and let time pass Us by you have the opportunity From This Moment forward to be the architect of

building a life that makes the most of the time that you have and just because these are the trends in data and these reflect what most people are experiencing it doesn't mean that these need to be the trends in your life and I was so personally moved by this data that I wanted to share it with you because I believe that knowing this it will Empower you to make very meaningful changes I think everybody needs to hear this I think I think everybody is struggling with this and kind of feeling it but not really understanding

the context and to me when I look at the stuff that we've already talked about no wonder loneliness is an epidemic because nobody understands why it's happening when you see it over the course of a lifetime in terms of the trends of how you're spending your time and who you're spending it with you start to see oh oh of course you become lonelier unless you do something about it and if you don't understand what's happening in the background you think you're the problem and you're not the problem it's not true the problem is that time

is passing and the more that time passes the more you just kind of go with it and I want you to do the opposite I want you to feel inspired and empowered to get intentional about how you're spending your time because how you spend your time is what your life is all about and that brings me to the fourth takeaway which is that your life partner is probably the single most important decision you will ever make this is that statistic at about age 29 there is a person that enters your life for multiple people as

you're dating around that you start to spend more and more and more time with as you age and here's the thing I want you to understand do not rush this decision do not get married to someone who you know in your gut is probably not the right person but you kind of feel like you should do it because everybody's getting married and you're getting to be that a age and you're starting to get a little worried do not settle because the time you spend with your partner increases every single year until the day of your

death and after age 60 this person that is your life partner they really matter because it's the person you will spend the majority of your time with with for the rest of your life and that's kind of a great test like if you're dating somebody right now don't look at the person who's standing in front of you right now you know with the nice car and the fake tan and the group of popular friends and the really cool profile on a hinge no ignore what's in the present close your eyes and ask yourself this is

this person like at their core is this person on the inside who I would want to be alone with every day day in and day out when I'm 60 and I want to remind you of the questions about naming your five favorite memories with friends or family what do they all have in common those memories about your favorite friends or the people that make you laugh the loudest or memories with your siblings they're all about how someone makes you feel and when you are choosing a partner dear God focus on how they make you feel

the looks are going to fade the friends that seem all shiny and popular they're going to disappear into the background you know that happens in the 20s and it's hard to keep up with friends as you're an adult but this human being and how they make you feel this is what you're signing up for for the rest of your life and if you're single what we're about to talk about next is really important to embrace right now because the very best relationship advice I can give you about choosing a partner to do life with is

to choose life with yourself first and by that I mean do whatever you need to be doing in your day-to-day life right now so that you really like yourself and that you are proud of yourself as a person you're proud of your character you're proud of how you take care of yourself how you talk to yourself the way that you spend your time because when you get the inside right that relationship with yourself in terms of how you feel about yourself you're not going to be swayed by the bright shiny popular people you're going to

be attracted Ed to people with true character someone who is worth going the distance with and that brings me to the fifth statistic about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime and it's this that when you hit 40 years old the amount of time that you spend alone climbs and climbs and climbs that means from 40 on the number of hours per day that you are alone is going to increase those 30 years every single year from the age of 50 to 80 based on the data you are alone every

day more often and for most people after age 70 you're alone most of the time every day well not me I am going to an old person's home you know like one of those places it's like college for old people back to the dorms hanging out with people I'm not going to sit alone in the Z but joking aside this is a huge takeaway and the first takeaway is I want to normalize that it is normal to find yourself spending more and more time by yourself and for me this can be a really positive thing

because this is not a message about you needing to look out into the future and going oh my God I'm going to be alone and I'm lonely no this is about the need to learn to enjoy time with yourself because when you're really present to being with yourself whether you're making a cup of tea or reading a book or taking a walk in the woods think about it you're not by yourself you're with yourself I'm with myself a lot I'm in my car driving alone I'm often at my house or working remote alone I'm down

in my kitchen making lunch alone I'm heading out the door to go for a walk and yeah maybe YOLO and homie my dogs may be there but there's no other human being I'm spending time with myself but here's the thing and this is what the opportunity is for you I don't feel lonely I enjoy spending time with myself and that's what's available to you and when I do start to feel like something's missing or I feel a little lonely because I have a good relationship with myself I can see that oh wow like I'm missing

connection and I can go back to the twps I either got to change my patterns of behavior so I start bumping into people again or I've got to prioritize reaching out and that almost always solves the problem so the big takeaway here is learn how to love yourself and enjoy yourself and be kind to yourself learn how to sign yourself up for a yoga class and take yourself to it learn how to reach out to friends when you're feeling a little lonely and be the one that is doing that for yourself do that for yourself

learn how to take yourself out to lunch or for a manicure learn how to be kinder to yourself learn how to find happiness in the time you spend alone and you will enjoy the time that you have now the final statistic on who you spend the most time with over the course of your life this one is about kids and it broke my heart and you can probably guess what the statistic is going to say now that you know takeway one remember takeway one which is that once you turn 18 the time that you spend

on a daily basis with your parents and your siblings boom drops right off a cliff and by the time you are in your 20s that number has flatlined and unless you do something dramatic it's not changing and here's how that translate to our final statistic when you become a parent depending upon when you first become a parent the majority of the time that you have with your kids will happen in your 30s and 40s and for most of us there is a a precipitous drop that happens in your 40s as your kids enter high school

and they become more and more independent you see less and less of them the busier they get the less and less of them and that's supposed to happen I mean they're supposed to make friends they are supposed to go build a life of their own and then they turn 18 A lot of them go off to college or a trade school and here's the sad news based on the data when you turn 52 that number which is the amount of time you spend with your kid flat lines and that's where it stays the rest of

your life and it is shockingly similar to how little time you spend with your own parents or siblings now when I first read that I beat myself up because I'm 55 right now that window of time is closed it's over my kids are launched Oakley leaves for college in the fall still trying to figure out where but he's going and if I reflect back on those 0 to 18 years I spent way too many years of their childhood working I was traveling for work I missed out on so many Milestones so many sports matches so

much in-person time however I love knowing this statistic and here's why I'm not allowing myself to become statistic in this regard because here's the thing there is something you can do you can become more proactive about going to your kids you can become more proactive about creating and sustaining that relationship with them as adults yes the whole point of parenting is to help your children grow up and become who they're meant to be which means your job is as a guide and a coach through life it means helping your children understand who are they what

do they value what are the implications of their decisions what are their passions who do they want to be and if you take that approach that your kids are supposed to become independent human beings who are going to leave you and go Build A Life That's What success looks like you can still do that and not lose connection and how do you do that well based on every expert that's ever been on this show it seems like the advice is the exact same do your kids feel seen do they feel safe and do they feel

supported by you because if your kids feel seen and safe and supported by you guess what they're not going anywhere and I want you to stop and think about your own experience with your parents when you think of your Fondest Memories as a child I bet it's in those moments where you felt safe or seen or supported that's the glue and the same is true with your kids if I were to ask your kid what are your Fondest Memories of childhood I guarantee you at the top of the list are those moments where you made

them feel safe seen and supported that's the secret to everything if you have a complicated relationship with your parents or a sibling right now I bet you feel none of those things with them it is all about how people make you feel and that means you have some control here you know and the interesting thing is is that I don't know about you but I've found that the older that my kids get even though they physically left they have not left emotionally it's like they need me more but they need me in a different way

they don't need me to drive them somewhere they don't need the money what they need is someone that they trust somebody who they know they can go to and get the support that they need that they can talk to run ideas by to call to laugh to talk through an issue with it's a different relationship and honestly I enjoy this part of parenting way more than when they were little I am not the best parent for little kids but I am I'm loving this adult parenting thing which by the way here's my secret plan to

not be a statistic I'm going to rope my kids into business with me because then I can turn them into my co-workers which means I'm going to see them a ton between the ages of 20 and 60 see how you can make the data work for you or against you it's never too late and that's the other thing here when you know what you're dealing with in terms of what the actual issue is you can solve the right problem the more that your kids or your parents or your siblings feel seen and supported the closer

you're going to be and by the way it's never too late to apologize I feel personally like I apologize all the time for things that I screwed up way back when or screwed up yesterday or could do a little bit better and it doesn't weaken your relationship it actually makes it stronger so there you have it six surprising statistics about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime and here's one thing I'm going to ask of you please send this episode to anybody in your family or a former co-worker or a

friend you've lost touch with as a way to reach out and get closer to the people that you love do not become a statistic become seriously intentional about how you spend the time that you have and who you spend it with and on that note I got to wrap up our conversation because our son Oakley is a ski racer and he has a race this afternoon and there is no way in hell I am going to miss it why because time is slipping through my fingers he turned 18 this year and I know how good

it feels when someone shows up I mean think about it when you're dead nobody stands up at a funeral and says boy I wish they would have worked more hours but they will remember that you always showed up when you could so thank you for showing up today and spending time with me and thank you for choosing to listen to something and to learn about something that I believe will truly change how you spend the rest of your life and in case no one else tells you I wanted to tell you that I love you

and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life now go do it I'll talk to you in a few days and for you on YouTube I'm going to tell you I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life thank you thank you thank you for being here please please please take a moment and subscribe it's a huge way that you can support me and support this show please share this message with your friends and your family it's going to

make a huge difference and I know you're thinking okay um the adult friendship thing Mel I need more information good I thought you did you're going to love watching this next it's the podcast episode we did called the lies about adult friendship and the truth you need to hear