The Power of Silence--Why Shutting Up Is Good For You | Michael Angelo Caruso | TEDxOcala

Transcriber: Anna Sobota (Laughter) Did my silence get your attention? (Audience) Yeah! Did it cause anticipation?

(Audience) Yeah! Is it still causing you anticipation? (Audience) Yeah!

It’s been said that the great legendary Winston Churchill would walk slowly to the lectern prior to giving a speech, he would shuffle his papers, pulled down on his lapels, waiting for the audience to grew quiet. Then, he would fumble for his spectacles while the audience grew quieter still. The audience was settling into the moment, and Winston knew this.

Just as everyone thought the great man was about to speak he would merely clear his throat, ratcheting up attention and making the most of silence. The great philosophers are helpful when diving into a deep topic such as communication. Confucius said that silence is a true friend who never betrays.

My favorite philosopher, Lily Tomlin, said that language was only invented to satisfy our inner need to complain. And my father, Mickey Caruso, said that he never learned anything while he was talking. Here’s what these people are getting at - we’ve come to think of silence as a weakness or a vulnerability.

We think of it also as uncomfortable, maybe even undesirable. But, the comfort of silence is your gateway to better relationships, more respect and a rewarding career. And this is coming from me, a guy who used to tour the country in a rock band making as much noise as he could.

These days as a speaker coach, I teach leaders, salespeople and influencers how to keep quiet. Ironic, huh? I tell them that silence is a useful communication tool that can cultivate relationships whenever you’re dealing with people, because silence always tells a story.

Here’s a fun story about how silence speaks volumes. When Brother John joined the monastery he appeared before the head abbot. The abbot said to him, “Brother John, this is a silent monastery.

You’re welcome to stay as long as you like but you may not speak until I direct you to do so. ” Brother John was in the monastery a full year before the abbot called for him and said, “Brother John, you’ve now been with us for 12 months. You may speak two words.

” And Brother John said, “Hard bed. ” (Laughter) The abbot said, “I’m sorry to hear that. We’ll try to improve your accommodations.

” A year later, Brother John appears before the abbot. He’s allowed to say two words. This time he says, “Cold food.

” (Laughter) The abbot said, “We’ll try to improve your situation. ” On his third anniversary at the monastery he appears before the abbot a third time and the abbot says again, “You’re allowed to say two words. ” And this time Brother John says, “I quit!

” (Laughter) And the abbot says, “You might as well. You’ve been complaining since you got here. ” (Laughter) We tell this story because it’s a nice illustration about how silence, in fact, speaks volumes.

Perhaps the simplest way to think about examples of silence are activities associated with thinking, such as clarity, creativity, focus, and peace of mind. Some would add yoga and meditation, but the truth is you don’t need a fancy app or an expensive class to get the most from silence. What you do need is the discipline to make time for uncluttered introspection.

Even conversation benefits from silence. Language experts measure the pace of speech by words per minute. Now, the speakers today are coming in at about 150 words a minute.

The excited ones might register 180 - 190. None of the lawyers did this. (Laughter) Linguistically speaking, this is called the speed of sound.

Now, the value of quiet is harder to measure. You see, there is no speed of silence. When conversing there’s a lot more to quiet than staying silent for chunks of time.

For example, there's the space between the words. Even pausing for a small fraction of a second can have a remarkable impact. Focusing the audience, forcing the audience to focus on what’s not being said - very, very powerful.

The musician Sting talks about the space between the notes and how in music they often refer to this as syncopation. For more on the silence between the notes check out Roxanne, the early hit from Sting’s band, The Police. A friend of mine is running for Congress, and she’s a good person.

She’s a better than average communicator, but she was having trouble connecting with her constituents. So, I helped her understand that her constituents wanted to hear from her when she was at the microphone speaking, but they wanted her to be quiet and listen when they were talking to her. This is a technique called the reverse presentation.

The idea is that you would learn to listen to your audience as you’re speaking to them. I mean, think about how the presentation works - we get up and we just start talking, right? And I just want to tell you that fire hosing your audience with data and bullet points is a lot more effective when you turn the hose off once in a while.

So, it’s almost counterintuitive to think about that that you’d actually be speaking and listening at the same time. The holy grail of the reverse presentation is actually getting members of the audience to actively participate while you are presenting. Now, people say the craziest things - You’ve got to stay alert for this.

But, the reverse presentation is unique and effective. The art of silence is used in business all the time. The best consultants and salespeople are expert communicators.

Don’t you agree? And their expert listeners too. They are really good with silence.

Want to sell more? Talk less. Selling is a lot like fishing.

You have to be quiet to catch the big ones. Persuasion experts tell us that there’s a little sweet spot there - winning listen-to-speak ratio when you’re doing sales presentations. Now it’s situational, but if you think of your sales presentation, it’s having three parts: the beginning, the middle and the end.

Talk only 20% of the time in the beginning, 70% in the middle when you’re explaining your value proposition and answering questions, and 20% when closing. Yeah, I know that it adds up to more than 100%, but that’s because your sales presentation always runs long, doesn’t it? (Laughter) Aristotle said that nature abhors a vacuum.

In other words, the gap caused by an expected vocal will soon be filled by someone else. Now, I call this technique the stall. Would you like to see a demo?

Okay. So, I’m going to use this bottle of water to create the stall. Then, I’m going to be quiet to create the vacuum.

I want you to notice what happens in the room as we do this. Now, I might ask any kind of question, but think about questions like this. I would say to you, “What do you think of.

. . What do you think of.

. . What do you think we should do next?

” Or I might say, “Have you enjoyed my program so far? ” (Audience) Yeah! (Laughter) Thank you.

(Laughter) I like to use a screw cap because it takes longer - by the time I put the cap on the bottle someone has spoken up. This is how this stall actually works. So, to get the most from silence remember this dictum, “first be interested and then be interesting.

” If you need a hashtag as a call to action, use #ShutUp. (Laughter) It’s worth noting that one of the best ways to not say something wrong is to not say anything, and what a fantastic way to stay out of arguments! (Laughter) To paraphrase the poet Roethke - he said that, in looser terms, he said that silence.

. . He said, “May all of your silences be accurate.

” And how refreshing when we meet somebody these days who does not have an opinion on something. (Laughter) It’s wonderful. So, before I go, I want to show you a photo of my best roommate ever.

We've been together for years. He’s an expert listener, and he’s really comfortable with silence. He’s my silent knight.

(Laughter) (Applause) Thank you very much.