Stephen Colbert Presents: The Best Moments From 25 Years Of Fox News

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Our host has been a critic of Fox News for decades, so he's uniquely qualified to present this celebration of the conservative news channel's finest on-air moments in honor of their 25th anniversary. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. TONIGHT IS A VERY SPECIAL FRIDAY EDITION OF "THE LATE SHOW." WE DON'T ALWAYS DO FRIDAY SHOWS, BUT WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND SAW THAT THE TOP NEWS STORY WAS THE BAD JOBS REPORT, I JUST COULD NOT RESIST. ( LAUGHTER ) I TRIED TO, BUT CBS HAS PRETTY GOOD LAWYERS. ( LAUGHTER ) SO, THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF A NEWS SHORTAGE, BUT ONE THING WE DO NOT HAVE A SHORTAGE OF IS SHORTAGES, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, AMERICA IS RUNNING OUT OF EVERYTHING. OH, NO! NOT EVERYTHING! ( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF MY FAVORITE STUFF IS THINGS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND WE REALLY ARE RUNNING OUT OF EVERYTHING. THAT'S WHY BAKERIES HAVE STARTED SELLING ANYTHING BAGELS. ( LAUGHTER ) THE PROBLEM IS-- CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG HERE-- THE PROBLEM IS DUE TO COVID, THE GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAIN HAS BROKEN DOWN ACROSS THE BOARD. SHIPPING CONTAINERS ARE BACKLOGGED, WHICH MEANS TRAINS CAN'T UNLOAD GOODS, WHICH MEANS THOSE SHIPPING CONTAINERS AND THE TRAINS CAN'T GET LOADED UP WITH NEW GOODS THAT ARE WAITING TO BE SHIPPED, AND WE CAN'T SWITCH TO TRUCKS BECAUSE THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF DRIVERS. IT'S WHAT'S BEING CALLED A VERITABLE HYDRA OF BOTTLENECKS. A "HYDRA OF BOTTLENECKS," OF COURSE, IS ALSO THE BAD GUY IN "CAPTAIN AMERICA 4: WINTER SHIPPING LOGISTICS." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND-- SURE. INTERMODAL TRANSPORTATION. PEOPLE LOVE-- EVERYBODY LOVES INTERMODAL TRANSPORTATION JOKES. NOW, WHEN THEY SAY WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF EVERYTHING, THEY MEAN EVERYTHING. I'M TALKING TOYS, BOOKS, CANS, BOTTLES, PUMPKINS, CAR PARTS, PAINT, LUNCHABLES, AND SEMICONDUCTORS. THE BREADTH OF THAT LIST IS SO STUNNING, I NEED A DRINK-- BUT THERE'S ALSO A LIQUOR SHORTAGE. ( BOOING ) I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT ONE. ( LAUGHTER ) THE MOST RECENT ADDITION TO THE "SOLD OUT" LIST IS DIAPERS. DIAPERS? YOUNG PARENTS, YOU'RE IN DEEP DOO-DOO. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) NOW-- WORTH IT. THAT WAS WORTH IT. THAT WAS WORTH TURNING TO THE OTHER CAMERA. ALL SHORTAGES ARE HARD, BUT THIS DIAPER ONE IS EXTRA HARD FOR LOW-INCOME FAMILIES BECAUSE GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS, INCLUDING FOOD STAMPS AND W.I.C., DO NOT PROVIDE FUNDING FOR DIAPERS. SO, NOW THERE'S A PUSH FOR PEOPLE TO DONATE DIAPERS TO DIAPER BANKS ACROSS THE COUNTRY. AND YOU CAN DONATE TO ANY LOCAL DIAPER BANK, INCLUDING CAPITAL ONE AND TWO: WHAT'S IN YOUR DIAPER? AND (BLEEP) BANK. THESE-- WE CAN SAY THAT, RIGHT? WE CAN SAY THAT? CBS IS FINE WITH IT. I'M SURE THEY'LL BE FINE WITH IT. ( APPLAUSE ) THESE SHORTAGES AREN'T GOING AWAY ANYTIME SOON, BUT ONE EXPERT SAYS WE COULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM IF AMERICANS ADOPT A SUSTAINABLE, ASCETIC, AND HOMESPUN LIFESTYLE THAT REDUCES OUR DEPENDENCY ON GOODS THAT ACTIVATE THE GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAIN. OH. ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS SCALE BACK AND LIVE A MORE SUSTAINABLE LIFESTYLE? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) I DIDN'T TIME THAT RIGHT. I DID NOT TIME THAT RIGHT. SPEAKING OF EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING, HERE'S SOMETHING: YESTERDAY WAS FOX NEWS' 25TH ANNIVERSARY. ( BOOING ) THEY'RE ALL JUST YELLING, "FOX NEEEWS!" THAT'S RIGHT, FOX NEWS TURNED 25 YESTERDAY, SO NOW THEY ONLY HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 50 YEARS TO BE OLD ENOUGH TO WATCH FOX NEWS. NOW I'VE BEEN-- ( APPLAUSE ) OR, OR CBS. NOW, I'VE BEEN AN OCCASIONAL CRITIC OF FOX NEWS FOR ABOUT 25 YEARS, BUT I DO HAVE TO GIVE THE LITERAL DEVIL HIS DUE. 25 YEARS IS A LONG RUN, AND FOX HAS HAD THEIR HIGHLIGHTS: >> STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS: THE BEST MOMENTS FROM 25 YEARS OF FOX NEWS. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN COLBERT. >> KITTY KAT MEOW $1,000. SNOOKI'S PREGNANT. ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. NOW, I'M NOT GONNA LIE, IT'S IT WOULDN'T DO ANY GOOD. YOU'D SEE RIGHT THROUGH. IT'S BEEN A TOUGH COUPLE YEARS. BUT DESPITE ALL THE HARDSHIPS THIS COUNTRY IS GOING THROUGH, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER: AT ANY MOMENT, WE COULD BE WIPED OUT BY AN INCOMING ASTEROID! BUT NASA HAS A PLAN TO STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING, AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DEETS IN OUR LATEST EDITION OF: ( ECHOING ) "SPACE NEWS: SPEEDY SPACE ROCK EDITION!" ♪ ♪ ♪ THAT TOOK WAY LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD. FOR YEARS, NASA HAS BEEN STUDYING WAYS TO PROTECT OUR PLANET FROM POSSIBLE ASTEROID IMPACT. AND RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE TESTING A PLAN TO DELIBERATELY CRASH INTO AN ASTEROID'S MOON TO CHANGE ITS TRAJECTORY, AS PART OF AN ARMAGEDDON-STYLE MISSION. WE'RE SO DESPERATE, WE'RE TAKING OUR APOCALYPTIC PROBLEM-SOLVING FROM MOVIES. QUICK, SOMEBODY TELL LIAM NEESON THAT CLIMATE CHANGE KIDNAPPED HIS DAUGHTER. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) NASA PLANS TO CRASH A HIGH-SPEED AIRCRAFT INTO THE ASTEROID "DIDYMOS" AND ITS MOONLET, "DIMORPHOS." THE IMPACT WILL BE RAPID ENOUGH TO CHANGE THE SPEED OF THE MOONLET, EVEN THOUGH NASA HAS SAID THAT NEITHER DIDYMOS NOR DIMORPHOS POSE A THREAT TO EARTH. THEN WHY ARE WE MESSING WITH THEM, GUYS? HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT SLEEPING BEAR IS SHOWING NO SIGNS OF WANTING TO ATTACK US. GO POKE HIM IN THE EYE! GO POKE HIM! POKE HIM WITH A STICK! I'LL WAIT HERE! GO POKE HIM! ( APPLAUSE ) FIRST RUB YOUR BODY WITH HONEY AND SALMON THEN GO POKE HIM. WE'VE GOT MORE NEWS FROM SPACE, A.K.A. THE SKY'S ATTIC. THIS TIME, IT CONCERNS ACTOR AND GRANDPA TELLING THE STORY OF HOW HE HURT HIS KNEE AND THAT'S WHY HE DIDN'T GO PRO, WILLIAM SHATNER. SET YOUR PHASERS TO "INTERESTED," BECAUSE THE 90-YEAR-OLD CAPTAIN KIRK IS HEADED TO SPACE WITH BLUE ORIGIN. THAT'S RIGHT! ( APPLAUSE ) YES, SIR! CAPTAIN KIRK'S ABOUT TO OLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR SECOND INTERSTELLAR STORY: "SPACE NEWS: THE TREKKING STARS OF 'STAR TREK' EDITION!" >> CAN I GO, TOO! >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, GORN, YOU CAN REQUEST. YESTERDAY, ON A PANEL AT NEW YORK'S COMIC-CON, SHATNER SHARED A SPECIFIC SPACE FEAR, SAYING, "I'M PLANNING ON PUTTING MY NOSE AGAINST THE WINDOW ONCE I'M IN SPACE, AND MY ONLY HOPE IS I WON'T SEE SOMEONE ELSE LOOKING BACK." ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T BLAME HIM FOR BEING AFRAID. I MEAN, HE'S WILLIAM SHATNER. IF AN ALIEN SHOWS UP, HE'S OBLIGED TO HAVE SEX WITH IT. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M NOT SURPRISED BY SHATNER'S REACTION. EARLIER THIS WEEK, I TWEETED "I HOPE WILLIAM SHATNER DOESN'T HAVE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ABOUT WHAT SPACE IS LIKE." AND LAST NIGHT, THE MAN HIMSELF REPLIED, "SURPRISE @STEPHENATHOME. THAT IS WHAT OUTER SPACE IS ALL ABOUT. INDEED, THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO OUTER SPACE. THE LITTLE GREEN MEN AREN'T LITTLE GREEN MEN. THEY'RE LARGE, GREEN, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO-- SO-- >> Jon: YEAH, GO FOR IT, WILL YOU, GET IT? >> STEPHEN: SO, HEADS UP TO ALL THE LARGE, GREEN, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN OUTER SPACE: BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE THERE'S A 90-YEAR-OLD HORNDOG COMING YOUR WAY NEXT WEEK IN A ROCKET SHAPED LIKE A GIANT SCHLONG. ( LAUGHTER ) WHILE WE'RE SENDING ACTORS TO SPACE, RUSSIA'S DOING US ONE BETTER, BECAUSE A RUSSIAN FILM CREW IS IN ORBIT TO MAKE THE FIRST-EVER MOVIE IN SPACE. AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS ON THAT IN THE THRILLING THIRD INSTALLMENT OF TONIGHT'S GALACTIC TRILOGY: "SPACE NEWS: SPACE RACE SEQUEL EDITION!" >> IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM "ACTION!" >> STEPHEN: THIS WEEK, A RUSSIAN ACTOR AND DIRECTOR ROCKETED TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION TO SHOOT A MOVIE THAT THE KREMLIN SAID WILL HELP BURNISH THE NATION'S SPACE GLORY AND WILL TELL THE STORY OF A SURGEON WHO EMBARKS ON AN EMERGENCY MISSION TO THE SPACE STATION TO SAVE AN AILING COSMONAUT'S LIFE. SO... PORNO. ( RUSSIAN ACCENT ) "OH, HELP, DOCTOR. I'M SUFFERING FROM LOW-GRAVITY BONE LOSS. IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY FOR YOU TO DONATE ME A BONE." THIS IS WHAT-- THIS IS THIS IS WHAT HEATS UP MY ABLATIVE SHIELD: RUSSIA IS STEALING AMERICA'S SPACE THUNDER, BECAUSE THIS WAS OUR IDEA FIRST. THE RUSSIAN MOVIE MISSION WAS ONLY ANNOUNCED AFTER IT CAME OUT THAT NASA TALKED TO TOM CRUISE ABOUT MAKING A MOVIE IN ORBIT. TOM, DON'T GIVE UP. YOU MAKE YOUR SPACE MOVIE. JUST NOT A REMAKE OF "RISKY BUSINESS." IT'S TOO DANGEROUS IN ZERO-G! ♪ JUST TAKE THOSE OLD RECORDS OFF THE SHELF!" >> OH, THIS IS SOME RISKY BUSINEEEEEEESS" >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE THE CAST OF HBO'S "SUCCESSION." STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

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