how to stop being a people pleaser

get used to saying no without explaining yourself it would be great if we could do this on demand without experiencing the emotional manipulations other people throw our way when we refuse to do what they want us to do we've all done it we've said yes to things we wanted to say no to we've pretended to like what other people like just so they like us more and we've capitulated in the face of other people's dominance for fear of upsetting them there's a word for this you might have heard before it's called self-sacrificing we distrust and

dismiss our own thoughts and emotions in favor of other people's at the expense of ourselves and mostly people try to get us to do what they want by using the most toxic word in the English language do you want to know what that word is quick reveal 3 2 1 the word Alejandro get out of here you devil the most toxic word in the English language is the word should you should do this you shouldn't do that you should do what I want you to do just because I want you to do it leou why

is this word toxic is because it implies is a social obligation we didn't agree to so this is what we're going to cover within the next few minutes of your time we're going to start with exploring why we capitulate to others we're then going to move on to self-differentiation and congruence two psychological theories which will help us understand this further then we'll cover the five traits of the self- dierentiated person because this is the ideal we're aiming for and then we're going to finalize by covering the three ways to become more self- dierentiated otherwise known

as being able to say no when you actually mean it number one why do we capitulate to others the word capitulation means the act of season to resist an opponent or demand and it comes from the medieval Latin word capulatus meaning to agree to surrender to an enemy in the context of relationships we might capitulate to parents who want us to study a degree we have no interest in capitulate to a pushy salesman to buy something we don't actually want capitulate to the neediness of our partner to text them where we are 24/7 when such

requests actually make us feel like a child or capitulate to the peer pressure of our friends to go to a music event we don't want to go to when we capitulate we brilliant we're now out of blue when we capitulate we submit and we do So to avoid the potential conflict that could arise from us saying no all of which creates tension in our relationships where we feel inauthentic to be who we really are one of the reasons we capitulate to other people is due to the nature of how us humans are raised think about

it Jimmy here is dependent on his parental figures until he's about 18 because he's a vulnerable little sod and he needs protection from a young age we are dependent on our parental figures so we naturally enter adulthood without learning the skills of how to differentiate ourselves and our thoughts emotions and opinions from those of other people and worse yet we enter adulthood with all of the experiences we had of our early parental figures projecting them unconsciously onto other people to give you one example there say you had a domineering and aggressive and assertive father when

you was younger you might then project that idea deal on to your boss at work when he demands you have to work longer today suddenly you crumble in the face of in reality another human being but it's tougher for you to deal with than you capitulate because it reminds you of this early experience with your dad this unconscious reliving of our childhood experiences in adulthood creates a psychological mismatch where our childhood programming and our adult programming are unaligned after all it would be easy for someone to say in this example Jimmy why don't you just

decline your boss's Dem Dems that you have to work longer when you don't want to because in our eyes his inner child is always out of view now this doesn't explain everything and I'm not going to psychoanalyze your mind but the point is the more we can start to understand why we capitulate in the face of some people rather than others we start to distance ourselves from our inner child but capitation isn't always a bad thing wait I'm trying to draw a mouse this is what happens when you put me in a room by myself

trying to draw a bloody Mouse Okay the ears are the problem this will all make sense in a moment mice Lions but capitulation isn't always a bad thing for example in their book Rapport the four ways to read people two forensic psychologists Emily and Lawrence allenson personify the character of capitulation as a mouse and that of assertiveness as a lion and they both have good and bad sides for example a good Mouse is humble and lets others lead a bad Mouse however is too timid or submissive a good lion is decisive bold direct clear and

a good leader bad lion however is bossy tyrannical and controlling to illustrate this let's imagine you invited me to your hometown and the day after you had planned an Excursion to show me around the city center now in order for you to do so you wouldd have to become a good lion and I would facilitate that by becoming a good Mouse because if I try to become a good lion by showing you around somewhere you've already seen that I've never been to before that would actually be me being a bad lion so understand capitulation as

a whole isn't a bad thing because in the right context it's a very good quality to have just before we move on to the two psychological theories which will help us understand this more there are two more manifestations of capitulation one codependency and two Fusion codependency is when we become overly reliant on someone else needing them to fulfill every need we have and fusion is when we intertwine our identity with someone else completely think about the girlfriend and boyfriend who can't not do everything together one principle a friend taught me which has stayed in my

mind ever since about Fusion is you should be adding to someone's life not becoming their life the core fear for the person who's codependent is they fear individuality and it's the same for the person who is fused they might turn to their friends partner or family to determine how they think or feel about a certain issue now we've covered the understanding now let's get into what we can actually do to say no when we mean it considered the grandfather of family therapy mie boen coined the term self-differentiation to refer to our ability to separate our

thoughts and feelings from those of others in essence it involves a setting apart of oneself as distinct from others in the context of family self-differentiation is when you start to free yourself from your family's Collective psychology in order to Define your own individualy psychology respecting you have your own values thoughts opinions experiences and feelings from those of your family members whoo a random big list has appeared in order to determine how self- differentiated you currently are let's go through these questions together and I want you to answer them yes or no okay introspection brains on

number one do you mostly work on letting go of problems rather than solving them do you let feelings Fester until they explode question mark do you say what you know are want to hear do you agree to things you have no interest in doing do you demand directly or indirectly praise and compliments do you seek to control others instead of controlling yourself and lastly do you concern yourself with the needs of others while discarding your own if you answered yes to most of these questions we've got some work to do self-differentiation is a way of

being where you're able to affirm yourself without harming or cutting off the other person person the self- dierentiated person also resists getting caught up in other people's emotional problems that deal with their anger resentment and deep-seated issues they're still able to empathically understand other people but they're also able to understand other people's problems and not theirs I remember when I was 16 I started learning about positive thinking and laws of the universe and all of that stuff and I remember I was sat in a classroom one day with one of my good friends at the

time who was the most negative person I've ever met in my life and we would sat there and he was offloading all of his emotional turmoil onto me all of his disgruntled thoughts and for the first time ever I felt this force field around me where I could listen to him with an understanding but not feel drained after the interaction because before I would have absorbed his energy into mine Jesus Christ that was a bit spiritual I should have had this on my head while I was saying that but this force field for a lack

of a better word is what you start to experience as you increase your self- differentiation because think it this way it's like a volume button that you use to turn up yourself also giving you the understanding that your relationships are a living organism with two individuals involved it's very easy if you're the type of person who overly capitulates to other people to snap out of this perspective and think the relationship is all about the other person but it's not it's a living breathing organism that is dependent on two individuals bringing their energy and self-differentiation to

the relationship it's a cliche but it takes two to tango you see yourself as an active participant in your relationship a participant who if their needs and wants go unnegotiable to flourish in the words of the psychotherapist Dr Lisa fireone who's written extensively on the topic a person with strong self- differentiation is able to set appropriate personal boundaries without feeling guilt or shame a person with poor self- differentiation goes running to accommodate others of often at the expense of their own happiness Comfort or time so the person with low self- differentiation says yes to others

when they mean no just to prove themselves as good children spouses friends or colleagues however by becoming more self- differentiated by saying no to others when we genuinely mean it we give ourselves the opportunity to say yes to ourselves and most of the time we realize saying no to others when we genuinely mean it is never as lifethreatening as we think in the words of Novel ravikant if you upset someone because they have an expectation of you it's their problem not yours an important caveat to mention here because I can hear your keyboards typing already

you keyboard Warriors saying Louis but if everyone was self- differentiated then no one would care about each other yes I hear you remember self-differentiation doesn't mean we sever our ties with other people you have the same amount of respect for the other person as you do yourself it just means you turn up that voice you have long kept quiet allow me to elaborate one final Point further by explaining a concept from the psychotherapist called Rogers Rogers believed in order for any relationship of any sort to flourish both people had to enter the emotional Arena without

a facade whereby they created a environment of congruence congruence involves a Harmony between three things your experience your awareness of your experience and your communication of your awareness of your experience for example in congruence would look like this leis how was this evening did you enjoy it yeah yeah it was good looking forward to next week yeah so this term we keep using of turning up yourself involves these two parts your awareness of your experience and your communication of your awareness of your experience to other people in full honesty that was meant to be an

arrow not sure what happened there a quick language tip for when you're communicating your emotions to other people don't communicate your emotions as facts instead of saying you're really annoying say when you do that I feel annoyed don't say you're completely wrong say I feel irritated by what you're saying so now we've covered all of that let's finalize by covering the five most common traits of the self- differentiated person and the free tips you can use to instantly become more self- dierentiated the first trait is a solid sense of self self- dierentiated people prefer that

others see them accurately meaning they will maintain their thoughts and beliefs in the face of pressure from other people to conform nor do they turn down themselves to avoid conflict they might not like conflict but they prefer well hold on we'll get we'll get into that number two is they seek understanding rather than agreement you understand you're not always going to see eye to eye to other people so your self-differentiation involves uh not wasting your time trying to get other people to agree with you you don't keep the peace for the sake of it and

if there's a problem you try to resolve it as quickly as possible number three is an ability to self validate we all want validation from other people in some way or another but self- dierentiated people are able to validate their own efforts and the nonself differentiated person would tailor their efforts or behavior in order to get validation from other people hence give me compliments whereas self- dierentiated people would tailor their behavior so they could become better friends to themselves number four and my favorite one they have an ability to self Soo self Soo is your

ability to regulate your emotions interestingly enough self- differentiated people don't rely on substances or external things to help them feel a certain way what they do is they regulate their emotions themselves through adopting responsibility for how they feel they don't seek other people to help them feel a certain way what's more they don't change other people to help them feel a certain way because their toolkit of things they can use to help them alter their emotions at will is what they rely on and lastly trait number five they are able to to tolerate short-term pain

for long-term growth self- dierentiated people are able to take a step backwards in their conversations in order to take two leaps forward otherwise known as embracing conflict now to resolve problems to then further the facilitation of the relationship flourishing now this finalize with the three things you can do instantly to become more self- dierentiated tip number one increase your willingness to self-confrontation against your values so here are all the pesky buggers saying you should do this you should do that say no and you'll realize it's a lot easier to make the decision when you've got

your values behind you guiding your decision making for example if you value honesty then not speaking up when something irritates you would be a direct transgression of that value consider this equation from my boy James Smith something I want to express times my personal values equals saying it unapologetically but in order to figure out what your values are you need to First introspect above my head appearing somewhat now should be a video on how to do that it's only six minutes feel free to check that out but as a rule of Thun I find that

the here principle that they outline in this book Rapport is a great value standpoint for any relationship honesty empathy autonomy and reflection reflection hold fire on that because in the conversation video that is upcoming we'll cover that but autonomy is the key one here if you value autonomy you allow other people to do do what they want to do and you likewise number two don't change based on who you're with showing your authentic self to other people can be quite a daunting task if you're not used to doing so but um quick thought experiment for

you here would you rather people approve of a facade or your real self secondly experiment although this isn't a video dedicated to social anxiety one of the ways people can overcome their social anxiety is by experimenting with doing different things in social interactions for example what might happen if I hold eye contact with someone what might happen if I don't cover my face when I blush what might happen if I don't rush to fill a silence then they realize oh my God people don't kill me when I look them in the eye people don't call

me out when I'm blushing and not covering my face and lastly people are more than comfortable with silences so the next time someone asks you to do something you don't want to do see what happens if you just say no without providing any explanation or the next time you're at a social Gathering and you can't be bothered to be there anymore see what happens if you just get up say goodbye to everyone and leave without evidence that despite your most pessimistic thoughts your self-differentiation doesn't lead to death you'll struggle to break free from your overc

capitulation and finally we're on the home straight boys and girls almost there think long term many people live in the status quo of unhappiness for years in their relationships hence they they go to therapy and rant to their friends instead of tackling problems headon so the next time you're faced with a relationship difficulty you'd usually let slide consider what would happen if you don't address this thing right now if you don't tell that friend how their behavior is irritating you you're going to have to experience that behavior for the remainder of your friendship if you

don't address how your partner doesn't greet you when you come home from work every single day then for the remainder of your relationship you're going to have to experience a cold greeting and every time you walk through the door you don't have to like conflict I certainly don't and I know many people who are good at it who also don't like it you just have to prefer short-term conflict to delayed volcanic eruptions of conflict a good principle I learned from one of my friends is your relationships are only as strong as your willingness to have

difficult conversations and lastly because one more thing has just come into my mind dissect why you struggle to say no because I guarantee there's an underlying belief that is holding you back perhaps you think that when you say no to other people other people will see you as lazy or selfish replace these thoughts with these saying no is an appropriate adult response of someone who respects their time and exhaust ability saying no is a powerful thing required of a balanced person people who are realistic will accept to no and lastly people respect those who say

no and if you're the type of person who makes decisions too quickly that you later regret give yourself some rules if people offer you to do something and it's not a hell yeah straight away say I'm going to take some time to think about it in summary capitulation is where we submit to other people there are good and bad sides to capitulation think about the mouse I'm not going to draw it again and the Lion a good Mouse is humble and able to let others lead a bad Mouse is too timid or submissive a good

lion is able to be direct decisive and a good leader a bad lion is controlling or tyrannical self-differentiation is where we realize we are different from other people with our own unique values thoughts opinions and emotions it also involves a turning up of yourself in your relationships recognizing yourself as an active participant while maintaining a connection to the other person the five most common traits of the self- differentiated person are a solid sense of self seeking understanding rather than agreement ability to self validate ability to self soothe and finally tolerating short-term pain for long-term growth

and to finalize the three tips to become more self- differentiated are increase your willingness to self-confrontation making number two don't change based on who you're with remember prioritize people seeing your authentic self than a facade an experiment what might happen if I just say no without any explanation and number three think long-term you don't have to like conflict you just have to prefer short-term conflict to delayed bigger conflict that was a psychological one let me know in the comments if there's anything else you wanted me to elaborate on that I didn't stay disciplined playful and

do not draw mice on a whiteboard if your name is LS K and dangerous [ __ ] much muchas