Why It Sucks to Be Born as a Honey Badger

you're born underground in a burrow your mom didn't bother digging herself the first thing you hear is your own squeaking which doesn't exactly sound intimidating but don't worry you'll grow into your attitude soon enough for now you're blind bald and hungry with no idea how much of a headache the world is about to become for you or how much of a headache you'll become for the world mom for her part doesn't have time for soft moments she's busy warding off anything that thinks this burrow looks inviting you're too small to notice her snarling at Predators

twice her size but if you could you'd probably take notes at this stage life is simple you eat sleep and occasionally try to bite your mom's tail when she's not looking it's not a bad setup but in a few months things are going to change by the time you're a few months old you're starting to tag along with Mom on her daily rounds she doesn't explain what's happening you're expected to figure it out on your own your first lesson bees lots of bees she leads you to a hive and starts ripping it apart like she's

owed money you hang back mostly because the noise is terrifying but also because the bees look mad they swarm her stinging her face her paws her everything but she doesn't Flinch why because she knows what's inside honey and Bee larvae that's the good stuff eventually she grunts at you which is the honey badger equivalent of saying your turn you edge closer swipe at The Hive and immediately regret Your Life Choices when a bee stings your nose you Yelp fall over and scramble back Mom doesn't help she just keeps eating like this is all part of

the process and maybe it is over time you get the hang of it by get the hang of it I mean you stop crying when the bees sting you and start focusing on the reward it's not exactly fun but it's effective you're learning one of the most important rules of honey badger life pain is temporary snacks are Forever by 6 months you're starting to venture out on your own mom still keeps an eye on you but she's giving you more space to make mistakes and mistakes it turns out are plentiful your first attempt at hunting

is laughable you spot a scorpion and decide it looks slow enough to catch it isn't it Dodges stings you on the Paw and scuttles away while you roll around in frustration The Sting doesn't kill you honey badgers are famously to poison but it stings enough to make you rethink your approach your second attempt is slightly better this time you go for a lizard sunbathing on a rock you crouch wait and then pounce the lizard Darts Away but you manage to grab its tail it thrashes you thrash harder and somehow you end up with your first

successful kill it's not much but it's enough to make you feel Invincible spoiler you're not at about a year old mom decides she's done babysitting one day she's just gone leaving you standing in the middle of the Savannah with no backup plan welcome to Independence your first solo days are a mix of winds and disasters you've learned how to scavenge so you manag to scrape together meals here and there small mammals eggs and the occasional insect but you've also learned the hard way that not every fight is worth picking a particularly bad runin with a

porcupine leaves you limping for days your pride as bruised as your paw slowly though you find your Rhythm you stop charging at everything that moves and start figuring out which prey is worth the effort scorpions sure snakes absolutely they're full of protein and more importantly don't scare you Venom you laugh at Venom well not laugh exactly but you shrug it off like it's a mild inconvenience one cobra bite later and you're snoozing under a tree letting your immune system handle the details by 2 years old you've built a reputation that even the Savannah's big players

respect you're not exactly a heavyweight most Predators outweigh you 10 times over but what you lack in size you more than make up for an attitude lions leopards hyenas they've all learned one important lesson messing with you isn't worth the headache you might not win every fight but you don't fight to win you fight to make it unbearable for everyone involved take that time you stumbled upon a leopard guarding a fresh kill any sensible animal would have walked away after all leopards don't share you however looked at the leopard then looked at the kill and

decided it was your turn the leopard growled low and menacing like it was daring you to take one step closer so you did then it snarled and lunged forward you lunged back straight at its face for a moment it was a game of chicken except with claws and teeth the leopard clearly unamused took a swipe at you you dodged and responded with a full on charge it hesitated probably running a quick risk assessment you were smaller sure but the sheer audacity was clearly giving it second thoughts finally it side or something close to it and

slinked off into the bushes leaving you Victorious you dragg the carcass away like this had been the plan all along but it's not just the big predators you have to deal with sometimes it's a pack of wild dogs sniffing around your dinner or a cheeky Jackal thinking it can sneak past you unnoticed you don't discriminate when it comes to picking fights big or small if something crosses your path and and looks like it might be a problem you're going to make sure it regrets the decision for most animals survival is about avoiding Conflict for you

it's about doubling down until everyone else gives up not because you're stronger but because you've decided you are confidence it seems is half the battle by 3 years old you're ready for a place of your own the problem is space doesn't come easy every decent patch of land is already taken so finding territory isn't about location it's about negotiation and by negotiation I mean biting growling and generally causing a scene into until someone backs down your first attempt doesn't go well you wander into what looks like unclaimed land only to realize it belongs to an

older honey badger who isn't thrilled to see you there's no warning growl just a blur of Claws and teeth as it lunges at you the fight is quick brutal and ends with you limping away slightly wiser but no less determined it's fine you didn't want that patch of land anyway eventually you find a spot that's just right enough cover to hide plenty of prey nearby and a water source Within Reach unfortunately it's not unoccupied a jackal seems to have laid claims but unlike the honey badger it's not as interested in fighting you chase it off

with a snarl and a half-hearted charge and just like that you've got yourself a new home territorial life is straightforward you Patrol the boundaries sniffing around for intruders and marking your space as you go if something crosses the line a curious Mongoose a Wandering Fox you handle it swiftly most animals get the message after one encounter the few that don't well you're happy to remind them the routine isn't glamorous but it works you're hunting sleeping and occasionally causing trouble which is about as close to domestic life as a honey badger gets by the time you're

five you've got this whole honey badger thing down to a science you've built up enough scars to tell a 100 stories though you'd never bother to share them because bragging isn't your style your territory is secure your hunting skills are sharp and most Predators know better than to test you life is steady predictable even comfortable hunting becomes less about survival and more about efficiency you've learned how to conserve energy which means waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike a fat rabbit a slow bird or even an unguarded snake's Nest can keep you fed for days

once you've eaten you Retreat to your Den for a nap where you'll stay until hunger drags you back out it's a simple life but it suits you still time catches up with everyone by 8 or 9 you're not as quick as you used to be the fights you once charged into with Reckless abandon now leave you aching for days you avoid confrontations when you can though not because you're afraid it's just that you've earned the right to pick your battles and wasting energy on every challenge isn't worth it anymore one day a younger honey badger

wanders into your territory clearly looking for a fight you size it up remembering when you were the one with something to prove the scuffle that follows is rougher than you'd like but you manage to send the Intruder packing this time as you watch it Retreat you know it won't be long before someone else comes along and eventually they'll win that's just how it goes the end when it comes is quiet you've spent years fighting hunting and carving out your place in the world but now you're tired you find a shaded spot under a tree curl

up and let the Savannah carry on without you there's no Fan Fair no Grand exit just a quiet moment of Peace somewhere out there another honey badger is starting its own Journey maybe it's biting its mom's tail for the first time or maybe it's charging head first at something much bigger than itself it doesn't matter the cycle continues just as it always has you didn't leave a legacy you didn't need to for the years you were here you lived exactly as a honey badger should stubborn fearless and utterly Unstoppable and that's more than enough