The Problem with Nice People

this video is sponsored by nordvpn try nordvpn's risk-free exclusive deal today thanks to their money-back guarantee using the link in the description it was only the second time fred had hung out with his new friend aubry outside of school aubry was essentially fred's first real friend the first person he really had to put everything he learned about being a good person and interacting with others on the table four with something meaningful at stake the two had just come inside from biking around in the driveway rushing from the door to the living room couch aubry excitedly

said do you want to watch star trek do you like that show fred responded with the neutral tone yeah it's my favorite it's so good do you yeah let's watch it fred replied the two watched the show quietly for the rest of the afternoon until fred's parents came and picked him up fred had in fact seen the show before but he hated it he wanted to be nice though which as he understood it meant putting others needs and desires in front of your own and not upsetting people and so he put aubry first avoided any

conflict of interest and agreed to watch at least once almost every time they hung out thereafter aubry put on star trek although fred occasionally tried to sway the activity a different direction he never explicitly told aubrey how he actually felt instead by the end of the school year fred just stopped hanging out with aubry altogether secretly having harbored the frustration that they rarely did or watched anything he wanted aubry was deeply confused as to what had happened what was wrong and why he suddenly lost his friend when he asked fred fred was coy and dismissive

[Music] several years later in high school fred found himself a part of several small friend groups with the introduction of greater freedom driver's licenses and the pubescent lust for activity fred also found himself spending far more time with friends outside of school than he ever had before for the first time he had to balance plans and schedules between different people and between people and himself whenever he was asked to do something whether it was to hang out or do someone a favor afraid of coming off disinterested or making any of his friends upset fred's answer

was almost always a resounding yes of course since he always agreed he often already had tentative plans with other people that overlapped which meant he often had to figure out how to cancel most of them throughout high school fred spent very little time with himself his hobbies his interests his schoolwork his peace of mind and so on he often felt diminished and used disproportionately doing things other people wanted or suggested secretly developing and harboring a resentment toward many of his friends and family members by graduation he had lost some of his friends due to his

flaky nature and intentionally but seemingly inexplicably broke ties with most of the rest many of them were somewhat confused and upset by a sudden disappearance a couple years later during college fred found himself in his first real serious long-term relationship with a girl named tara the relationship was amazing they connected with each other in a way fred had never experienced connection before tara was beautiful and sweet and funny and interesting and brought out parts of him that he didn't even know existed that made him feel alive he soon fell in love for the first time

as time passed though things began to fall apart tara often did things that upset fred she would go silent for full days without responding to his texts she would go out with friends without ever letting him know when and where she might go she would act and react with very little patience and she would often ask fred for accommodations while neglecting his own schedule and needs by three years in fred no longer felt the same connection with her that he once did who they were when they first met was not who they were now fred

prided himself on being a nice easygoing boyfriend in a relationship void of fights though and so he rarely addressed things that bothered him rarely pointed out tara's character flaws or any of the issues he had in the relationship and mostly avoided arguments in general we like never fight fred said to one of his friends from college while catching up at a bar i just don't really like the way she treats me she doesn't seem to understand like who i am or where i'm coming from or like what i want i don't know i used to

think she did or at least could but i don't even know if she cares anymore i mean i'm not necessarily trying to suggest anything but have you at least thought about potentially breaking up with her fred's friend replied i don't know maybe i just i want to make things work i don't want to devastate her you know i don't know if she would really be able to be okay with me i don't know i'll see how things go i guess fred stayed with tara for over a year more he tried to act as if everything

was fine but found himself unavoidably distancing himself more and more from her the breaking point was when he found out that tara cheated on him even then he stayed with her for a few more months she said her reasoning was she felt neglected and didn't feel like he loved her anymore he told her he would try to understand and forgive her but in actuality he felt like ending more than just a relationship not long after fred broke up with her realizing how much of a fool he had been it was one of the hardest things

he had ever done following college fred was out on his own in the world navigating the early budding prospects of his career by 23 he received his first real job offer related to his career path a digital marketing coordinator role for a mid-sized e-commerce company fred eagerly accepted in the office fred always put on his smiley face and happily agreed to everything he was asked even when it was outside the scope of his work often offering to help or pick up any slack anytime his manager or one of his co-workers asked not wanting to upset

or disappoint them he rarely could help with most of what he took on either in terms of his ability or his time in general there was a deep crater of incongruency between what he presented about his interest and ambition and how he actually felt about the work again and again fred would over promise and under deliver secretly he disliked his boss and most of his co-workers he despised how they treated and took advantage of him fred continued in this job for the following couple years despite it being well beneath the skill set and upper management

never really offering him a nearly equivalent opportunity or compensation three years in after he couldn't take it anymore he quit in what seemed like all of the sudden without much of an explanation fred was perhaps one of the nicest people you could ever meet he always made sure the happiness and preferences of those around him were met he never wanted to upset anyone he was always willing to go with whatever anyone else wanted and so when he was 28 years old and he found himself alone with very few friends a very short but complicated list

of ex-girlfriends and a strained awkward relationship with his previous colleagues and bosses he was extremely confused having not had much of a social life let alone a relationship in a couple years feeling like he was on the brink of a life of total isolation fred decided to start dating again he had little luck at first but eventually he met a very unique spontaneous and extroverted woman unlike anyone he had ever met before named amina while on a third date with her the two sat at a picnic table in a park while the sun set behind

them they discussed all sorts of topics including more personal sentiments of their lives and pasts which was very uncharacteristic of fred he shared about his old friends and jobs and even some of his exes i don't know it seems like everyone is just selfish in this world that's definitely one thing i've learned i feel like people have just always taken advantage of me of my niceness i've been nothing but nice but i just get screwed over and over fred said that's true people are definitely selfish amina replied a brief pause surrounded the two amina clearly

having more to say i have to say though up front if we're gonna potentially you know keep this going i gotta ask something okay sure yeah about what fred replied are you the kind of guy who is so hung up on being nice he never really thinks about other people what do you mean fred said confused by the seeming paradoxical question like did you ever tell anyone how you felt did you ever ask them not to do something did you explain what was wrong and try to help resolve it no offense but it kind of

seems like you always just expected people to know how you felt and to treat you right just because you were nice another brief pause filled the space between them i mean i just don't like arguing or being mean or confrontational for no reason especially when people should kind of already know what's right fred answered yeah but how does anyone know of a problem if the problem is hidden from them and why would anyone want to solve it if it benefits them and the other person doesn't seem to care i don't think niceness is always kind

because kindness is not quietness submissiveness or self-surrender i think it's the willingness to confront and deal with others and issues honestly and fairly for everyone's benefit even when it's difficult or uncomfortable for you amina said that's true i agree with that actually fred replied with a somewhat dip in his tone do you i mean a replied laughing i'm just saying i've dealt with plenty of selfish people in my life so i completely resonate with where you're coming from but some people are so concerned with not being selfish they become it they become so centered around

being liked and perceived favorably they never even consider the consequences of their so-called niceness agreeing universally with everyone is not necessarily a sign that you actually care about other people but that you care about what other people think about you with no regard for how it affects them how is that not selfish at least with straightforward people you know where they stand and what the issues are maybe their perspectives still aren't always good but at least they respect you enough to tell you the two looked at each other sitting on opposite sides of the picnic

table as if amina was the antithesis to fred's entire life laid bare on the table in front of him sorry she continued i didn't mean to come off too forward there i'm just you know doing my due diligence less time to waste at this age you know yeah i know i i get it fred said with a laugh so are you around this weekend at all we should do something amina said fred paused then he said yeah maybe we should take things a little bit slower actually this video was sponsored by nordvpn if you're a

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