How to Set the Right Goals and Stay Motivated | Ayelet Fishbach | TED

A good friend has recently shared that she's feeling tired. Like, really tired. Not "I did not get enough sleep" tired, but something deeper than that.

She said she feels, and I'm quoting, "As if I have lost my motivation. " I call her brave because she's so clearly dedicated to her job and conducts herself with professionalism and kindness. She's a wonderful parent who cares for her children, and she's very responsible when it gets to her finance and health.

She is not alone in feeling unmotivated. Millennial and Gen Z employees tell me that they feel uninspired at work. Some admit that they just don't care.

Half of American employees are currently looking for a different job. Think about that. Older employees tell me that they can't wait to retire.

And when I ask about life at home, people say that they struggle with their finance and health. Do you? The national data suggests that chronic diseases such as diabetes and heart disease are on the rise.

The median American family has only a bit over 5,000 dollars in savings, barely enough to pay next month's rent. Did America lose its motivation? (Audience murmuring) Well, the answer is no.

(Laughter) Turns out, you cannot lose your motivation because you never owned it in the first place. (Laughter) Motivation, and that shouldn't surprise you, isn't your car key or wallet. So what is it?

Well, motivation is not about being strong, it's about being wise. Let me explain. You may think of motivation as a muscle, thinking some people have strong motivation muscles, others are weak.

But this is not a good metaphor. Motivation is knowledge. You learn how to be motivated.

And so today, I would like to help each of you, and America, (Laughter) become wiser so that you are more motivated and hence better able to achieve your goals, your dreams, your aspirations. And given what the world has been throwing at you, that might be a good time to refresh your knowledge. To be motivated, you either change the situation or the way you think about the situation.

This is the science in one sentence: you change the circumstances or the way you think about the circumstances. So if you want to be more physically active, there is no point in yelling at yourself. I yell it, "You should walk more!

" Instead, I got a puppy. (Laughter) She loves long walks. Your journey starts with setting a goal.

My friend wanted to be motivated at work, so she identified a project she wanted to complete. That was a goal and it's a good motivation strategy. Goals pull you.

The problem? My friend identified a project she wished she had already completed, not something she was looking forward to doing. Have you ever set a goal you wish you had already completed but had less interest in actually completing?

Most goals are abandoned because we want to be the person who has done it, not the person who is currently doing it. When we are excited about doing the work, we are intrinsically motivated. We care about the way almost as much as we are looking forward to the destination.

In our research, we found that most goals are abandoned, not because they are not important. OK, people actually are not more likely to adhere to their important compared to unimportant goals. Most goals are abandoned because people don't enjoy pursuing them.

Your enjoyment is what predicts whether you will stick with the goal. So what makes goals exciting? Exciting goals are never a chore or a mean.

Ever wondered why Chicago diners would circle the block for 30 minutes looking for free parking, but will not think twice before spending the money they have just saved on parking on ordering another cocktail? (Laughter) Why pay for drinks and not for parking? Well, we don't like to pay for parking or shipping, students don't like to study for prerequisite classes because all these are means.

We don't like to invest in means. We did a study that showed us just how much you dislike to invest in means. In our study, we auctioned a book for some people and then we auctioned the University of Chicago tote bag to other people.

The average person was willing to pay 23 dollars for the book, but only 12 dollars for the tote bag. The catch? The tote bag contained the book.

(Laughter) And people knew it. Why would the people that were bidding on a tote bag that contains a book, be willing to pay less? Well, we don't like to invest in means.

OK, so you set a goal that is intrinsically motivated, you are excited about the way just as much as you want to reach the destination. A couple of weeks past, and you have not been doing much lately. It has now been four or six months and your motivation is on the decline.

How do you sustain your motivation? How do you get from here to there? Well, motivation is going to be high when we just start on something and toward the end.

But it will decline in the middle. We call it the middle problem. My friend might start her project with much enthusiasm, then her motivation will decline.

Toward the deadline, it will pick up again. She will regain her motivation. A few years ago, we asked people who observe the Hanukkah holiday to let us know whether they were lighting the first candle on the first night, the second on the second night, the third night, so on, until the eighth night.

As you can see, most people admitted to only lighting the candles on the first and last night. They were procrastinating in the middle. The solution?

Make middles short. A monthly exercise goal, a weekly exercise goal, even a daily exercise goal are easier because as the end is near, it is easier to stay motivated. If only Hanukkah was just two nights.

(Laughter) Another problem with middles is that you're going to experience setbacks, and when experiencing setbacks, it is natural to feel discouraged. One wise solution is to remove your ego out of the picture, it's not about it. When you remove your ego, it is easier to learn.

When I was helping my ten-year-old son win a video game, he awarded me the title a Failure Expert. I love this title. Why am I a failure expert?

Because I don't mind getting killed by virtual monsters. He doesn’t mind seeing me getting beaten by virtual monsters, so we can both learn. At work, when you're not quite killing it, remove your ego and you will be better able to learn.

Another solution is to seek discomfort, if only temporarily, instead of trying to avoid it. When you seek discomfort temporarily, you realize that you can grow yourself, that discomfort is a sign of growth. “No pain, no gain” is not just about the gym.

It's a general wise motivation strategy. Let me tell you about a study that we conducted with Chicago's beloved improvisation club, The Second City. We worked with their training center, which is where regular people like you and me go to learn improvisation.

We were specifically interested in one exercise: Give focus. In this exercise, one person gets the center of stage. Everybody else is frozen in place.

OK, this person is moving around, everybody else is watching. We invited some people to feel awkward and uncomfortable as they run through the exercise. Others in the control group were invited to develop their skills.

Who was more daring, taking the stage for longer? Well, as you can see, it was the people that we invited to feel uncomfortable. In one wave of classes, asking people to feel uncomfortable doubled the time they took focus.

Those people were also more daring. For example, they were dancing a little instead of just walking around. And they also reported they were growing themselves more compared to those in the control group.

OK, but here's the problem. You don't only have one goal. For my friend, the challenge was balancing between work and family.

Now, if you have not experienced the work-family conflict, you either don't have a job or that you forgot that you also have a family. (Laughter) But it is wiser to think about these goals as balancing each other. When my friend realized that doing well at work makes her a better family member, she was more motivated and happier to do both.

Think about your goals like dishes around the buffet table. You can create the perfect combination. It is colorful, delicious, well-balanced.

Maybe you exercise on the way to work and maybe you listen to an audiobook while you do that. Other combinations don't work very well. They might feel like a waffle covered with pasta sauce.

(Laughter) If you try to study for the bar exam while talking to a friend and watching TV, this is distracting. You need to find the right combination. Some people might decide to pursue one goal at a time.

This is unrealistic. At least sometimes, you can't wait for retirement to start a family, so look for the right balance and harmony. Some goals, let's call them temptations, should take less room on your plate.

However, instead of trying to push them out of mind, it might be wise to anticipate them in advance. When you anticipate all the alcohol that will be served here later today, you can better control your consumption. When I anticipate that my colleague is going to be upset, I can better control my emotion in a heated debate at work.

When we anticipate temptations, we are less tempted when we get there. In one study, when we reminded employees of all the times they will be tempted to take office supplies for personal use, they were less likely to do that compared to those in the control group. Anticipating temptations makes you prepared and hence less tempted.

Alright, what about the person sitting next to you? Look at them for a second. I will be waiting here.

(Laughter) How can that person help? Your friends, your family and other people that you love are critical for your motivation. They are your lighthouse.

And you are also important for them. Let me tell you a love story that resulted in four Nobel Prizes. When Marie met Pierre Curie, she did not only meet the love of her life.

She met the person who pushed her to excel in her work on the theory of radioactivity, and who later insisted that she will be named on the joint Nobel Prize. That was her first. The second Nobel Prize she won by herself with no man by her side.

(Applause) The couple had two daughters and they wanted them to excel. Their oldest, Irene, won a Nobel Prize with her husband, as was the tradition in the Curie family. Their youngest, Eve, and by far the most artistic person in the Curie family, married someone who won the Nobel Prize and excelled in many other ways.

The Curie family did not only teach us about radioactivity, they taught us the importance of feeling supported and supporting others in pursuing goals. In your life, you work with other people, maybe together you take care of your pet. You work in the presence of other people.

Maybe those are the people in your gym class or in your book club. You hold goals for others, they hold goals for you. This might be a good time to say thank you to the person sitting next to you.

I will be waiting here. (Audience murmuring) Give them a pat on the shoulder. (Laughter) My friend came to me not only because I am a motivation scientist, but also because I'm her friend, and as such, I wanted her to be successful.

You may wonder what happened to her. Well, she stayed at her job. Last time I saw her, her smile seemed bigger.

She did not find her motivation. She learned how to motivate yourself. And so, no, America, you did not lose your motivation.

Each of you is working hard, pursuing your dreams, balancing the different aspects of your life. And it is so important, especially in the world we live in today. So when you feel discouraged, when you feel unmotivated, remember, motivation is not about being strong, it is about being wise.

And now we are all wiser. Thank you. (Applause and cheers) Thanks.