The self sabotage cure you don't want to hear

you're a victim to your bad habits you cause your own suffering you feel like a failure you cower in the face of fear you make social mistakes you relaps into your addictions and you hurt other people through your actions all of which creates the feeling of guilt and shame guilt is based on what you do shame is based on who you are so the sequence plays out you feel guilty you feel uncomfortable because guilt isn't a very nice emotion to feel so you lean into your bad habits to give you short-term relief from the discomfort

of the guilt and the self-destructive cycle of your self- sabotage plays out so why is it important to forgive yourself and learn how to manage your guilt is because if you don't you are going to have a terrible relationship with yourself you are always go into self-sabotage you're never going to be able to change your behavior and you will always be Your Own Worst Enemy so uh we're going to learn how not to do this right now first up what is guilt guilt is an emotion that arises from your perception that you've done something wrong

leading to the feeling of anxiety and pressure the anxiety stems from the prediction you have that something bad will happen such as other people might judge you you'll be disliked you'll lose your status as a good person or whatever identity you uphold the pressure arises from your desire to fix the situation to find a solution apologize or make things right in order to feel relief essentially think about guilt in terms of rules you feel guilty when you break one of your rules but there's a difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt first of all healthy guilt

activates when you've broken a reasonable rule you agree with unhealthy guilt activates anytime you break any rule regardless of whether that rule is unreasonable or not healthy guilt is experienced when someone is hurting in direct response to your action unhealthy guilt is experienced when someone is upset regard regardless of whether your action caused it or not short-lived healthy guilt is shortlived with a clear path to correction unhealthy guilt is longlasting with no clear way to make amends and it's also plaguing you with shame lastly healthy guilt is constructive and it guides your future behaviors in

terms of what to do or what not to do unhealthy guilt its purpose is to punish you and it has an abusive quality to it let me see if I can illustrate this brilliant instead of illustrating I've completely marked the Whiteboard oh healthy guilt acknowledges your error without intensifying or downplaying it and it clearly outlines what action you need to take now to rectify it all without abusing or tearing yourself apart as unhealthy guilt would do how dare you you failure whereas healthy guilt would say hey dude don't do that again okay let's imagine you've

relapsed into one of of your bad habits healthy guilt would say to you I relapsed oh man that's pretty bad ouch I I didn't say ouch cuz I hit my head I said ouch cuz of the thing I feel awful okay what can I do now to make it better one stop scrolling go for a walk and clear my head two I need to realize this doesn't set me back to 0% and three okay I can then sit down and dissect what went wrong remember it's proactive and it doesn't abuse you unhealthy guilt I've relapsed

again oh that's terrible I'm such an idiot I keep trying but nothing works everything I do fails I'll never overcome this I was 20 days clean now I've ruined it all I'm such a failure no proactive action to go forward unhealthy guilt just makes everything worse no matter what you've done and it just keeps you locked in your spiral of procrastination self-loathing shame so Louis what can we do about this I hear you asking well there is an incredible psychotherapist called Aziz kazipur who wrote a superb article outlining five ways we can healthily manage our

guilt so we can free ourselves from the self-destructive Loops okay so you've done something that has made you feel guilty number one acknowledge and allow the guilt don't react to it examine it slow down and you won't want to but sit with your thoughts and emotions to see what that voice of guilt is trying to tell you because your natural instinct will be to notice the guilt and think think oh my God run and distract yourself from the discomfort of it by scrolling or staying in the motion of action like I said slow down and

pay attention to what do you notice are you uncomfortable do you have Racin anxious thoughts does your body feel Restless in any way do you feel a tight stomach is your throat dry but what you want to pay attention to most of all is the type of guilt that is speaking to you right now remember the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt healthy guilt is going to be that voice in your head that is speaking to you from a calm and loving non-judgmental Place wanting the best for you your unhealthy guilt is going to be

chastising you scolding you judging you saying things like how could you have done this you're such a failure you're such a reprehensible human being whenever a judgment is included it's unhealthy guilt much like an angry parent uh but the key is to just notice your guilt you might even say to yourself out loud oh this is guilt because the thing to knowe is just because you feel guilty for something doesn't necessarily mean you've done anything wrong as point two highlights number two identify the rules you've broken this is where you pay attention to all the

shoulds and should Nots your guilt is making apparent to you now just like we have healthy and unhealthy guilt we also have healthy and unhealthy rules your rules are your inherent beliefs that guide your behavior unhealthy rules are just unrealistic perfectionistic standards healthy rules are those that steer you in the direction of becoming your best self unhealthy rules could include I should never let friends down I should always have 100% self- control healthy rules include I don't eat junk food or I take care of my health I was going to clarify one more thing but

I just realized point three will do so for us so moving on three deter if it's unhealthy or unhealthy guilt remember healthy guilt involves realistic rules and self-love unhealthy guilt incorporates unrealistic rules and self attack and the cycle that plays out with unhealthy guilt I just wanted to mention is you convince yourself that if you feel bad enough then you can atone for your sin and the reason this doesn't lead to long-term Behavior change is because it comes from a place of fear criticizing judging foisting loads of Shame and guilt onto yourself won't make you

change or feel motivated to change your behavior now lastly the thing I wanted to clarify in the last section but waited until now is the easiest way to tell whether the voice in your head is healthy or unhealthy guilt is after you've highlighted the rule that the guilt wants to make apparent to you ask yourself okay do you agree with this rule if yes it's healthy guilt and there is is a lesson to be learned from listening to that voice however if you don't agree with the rule because it's an unrealistic expectation or standard then

it's unhealthy guilt speaking to you and you still have a lesson to learn but it's a slightly different one two more number four o right understand the message very simply here all you do after you've observed the guilt not reacted to it identified what rules you've broken and determined whether it's healthy or unhealthy guilt that voice in your head you simply ask yourself what action is the guilt trying to get you to do or not do in the future remembering if a judgment comes as an answer to this question and no proactive answer then it's

unhealthy guilt and lastly number five numeroso or how do you say five in Italian no take new action listen mate you cannot be judge or berate yourself into Behavior change we've covered that already you need to act from a positive place if you want to change your behavior so when you hear that voice of unhealthy guilt begin to judge you in your head stand up walk away while saying okay this self attack is not helpful I can do so much better and at the risk of getting a bit woo woo so get your sick buckets

out you need to disconnect from the feeling of guilt in your head and get into your heart I know I know well stay with me me hear me out and send the guil as much love as you possibly can okay and understand that whatever you've done is forgivable there is nothing that is unforgivable I'm going to get roasted for that in the comments but you get my point you might want to consider for your new action okay do you need to apologize to someone do you need to change a behavior a habit or a way

of relating to others do you need to create a new ritual or a new practice in order to help you feel calmer and more patient and clearer and lastly do you need to decide on a new action with the healthy guilt guiding you forward notice how liberating that feels and lastly you want to State a new Proclamation for yourself in your new action with the sentence of in my reality so in my reality it's okay to say no when I want or need to in my reality it's okay for others to feel temporarily disappointed and

lastly in my reality I accept I won't have 100% self-control 24/7 now before we summarize and I give you a big fat kiss goodbye there's one tiny more thing that I want to clarify now what we just covered taking new action involves the process of setting new rules for yourself but sometimes you're going to be more better off if you don't set new rules but just let go of old ones for example I should never feel angry I should never feel anxious I should never make a mistake I should always know what to say I

should never hurt anyone's feelings I should never upset anybody I should always have 100% self-control 24/7 I should be able to predict all outcomes I should obtain whatever it is you want now hopefully while listening to that you were thinking only a mad man or an insane person would have such rules but I guarantee you have a few of these as do I mainly programmed from your childhood or just experiences you haven't unpacked so as mentioned highlight your unhealthy rules the rules you don't agree with and don't want to live up to and just get

rid of them I'm excited to say I'm currently researching for a big video all about how to reprogram your most fundamental beliefs and thoughts the ones that don't serve you and how to reprogram your self-image so if you want to see that drop a comment of uh dolphin in the comments wait I don't actually think there are dolphin emojis a dragon moving on so oh in summary guilt can be healthy and unhealthy unhealthy guilt does not serve you acknow to deal manage with guilt acknowledge and allow the guilt identify the rule or rules you've broken

determine if the guilt is healthy or unhealthy understand the message and take new action thank you very much to Aziz gazipura who wrote the Spellbound in article and thank you for you for being alive and dedicating your time and attention to this video Stay disciplined playful and dangerous