When a Daughter's Greatest Fear Is Becoming Like Her Mother... (The Mother-Daughter Complex)

[Joy] “I don’t want to hurt anymore and for some reason, when I’m with you, it just- it just hurts the both of us. ” There is something so intrinsic about the mother-daughter relationship that is universally felt, but seldom unpacked. Mother and daughter, the one dynamic in this world that is, on the surface, expected to be easy, pure, kind.

. . but in reality is exactly the opposite.

There is a paradoxical push and pull between women and their mothers. Intense distaste can prevail alongside a powerful yearning for acceptance. In fact, those ambivalent feelings actually exist because of each other.

Parents and children fight because of power conflicts and differences in perspectives, yes. But this is about more than hormones, control and petty anger. There’s something innate to the mother-daughter relationship that has made it exceptionally complex and it’s an issue that goes back to the dawn of humanity.

The mother-daughter conflict is multidimensional, but can be broken into three main components: the dyad being extensions of one another, influence of the patriarchy, and generational trauma. No mother-daughter relationship is devoid of any of these three factors. Inevitably, they shape how a mother raises her daughter and the welfare of their relationship at any given time.

From the moment a little girl is born, she looks to her mother as an example of what life will be, who they should be. As babies, we’re fed a multitude of information, all contributing to who we are, but our development is greatly dependent on our perceived gender. Whether it's the response we get to our cries or the type of play we’re encouraged to engage in, our identity is immediately shaped by gender.

Alongside this is a natural inclination for society to link mothers to daughters and fathers to sons. Daughters thus idolize their mothers, putting them on the ultimate pedestal of emodying what their future should be and aspiring to be like them. [Lindo] “Only thinking- thinking about my mother, how much I wanted to be like her.

” Mothers see this emulation as validation for all the hard work they’ve put into raising their child. Young girls are constantly compared to their mother in terms of appearance and behavior in childhood. They’re seen as “mini-mes” of their mother.

[June] “When I was nine years old, my mother’s version of believing in me was believing that I could be anything. . .

anything she wanted. ” But as a young woman grows and naturally loses some of her dependency on her mother and develops her own identity, the mother can struggle with the newfound loss of control and process the detachment as rejection. Mothers feel like their daughters have suddenly changed into strangers and daughters don’t understand why their mothers can’t just love and accept them for who they are.

[June] “You want me to be someone I’m not. I'll never be the kind of daughter that you want me to be. ” And this is where the power of expectation lies.

Daughters aren’t just reflections of their mothers, they're extensions of them. They still have a future in front of them that they can shape in whatever way they wish, but they often have a hopeful vibrance that’s been dimmed throughout the years for their mothers. Because a mother knows no world other than what they’ve lived in, they expect their daughters to fit into it.

A mother and daughter may walk the same Earth, but they live in different realities, each shaped by the societies they’ve been raised in. In ‘Lady Bird’, Marion speaks to her teenage daughter, Christine - or Lady Bird, as she would prefer to be called - with such hostility at times. [Marion] “The way that you work… or the way that you don't work.

. . you're not even worth state tuition, Christine.

" It’s shameless, it’s hurtful, and you can see the impact it has on Lady Bird. The two have gotten comfortable with throwing whatever shots necessary at each other in arguments. [Lady Bird] “You give me a number for how much it cost to raise me and I'm gonna get older and make a lot of money and write you a check for what I owe you so that I never have to speak to you again.

” [Marion] “Well I highly doubt that you will be able to get a job good enough to do that. ” And yet… Christine still seeks her mother’s acceptance. [Lady Bird] “I wish that you liked me.

” [Marion] “Of course I love you. ” [Lady Bird] “But do you like me? ” Lady Bird has big dreams for her life.

She wants something more than what she already has and repeatedly expresses her wishes to move to "a city with culture. " As she shames Sacramento, her mother takes that as an insult to the life she’s worked so hard to give her. Marion is losing her grasp on her daughter, but what’s even more difficult to process is if Lady Bird so desperately wants to leave, what does that mean about her?

Has her own life been subpar? Is it something to be ashamed of? Something to want to escape?

[Lady Bird] “I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I- I appreciate everything you've done for me.

I'm ungrateful and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wanted more. ” But ultimately, mothers and daughters need to meet each other halfway and that requires a lowering of your defenses.

You have to drop your ego and pride, something that Marion in particular has trouble with. She doesn’t know how to express how she really feels, so instead she lets her anger out in insults, loves her daughter quietly and tries her best to hold Lady Bird close, all while Lady Bird does everything she can to leave. Throughout the film, Lady Bird is searching for acceptance.

She wants to be understood by her peers and by her mother, but she doesn’t realize that she is yet to even understand herself. Lady Bird’s relationship with Sacramento is an analogy for her relationship with her mother. She views it as small and suffocating.

She thinks it won’t allow her to be who she wants to be, so she pushes it away and only with distance does she realize how much she really loves it. [Lady Bird] “Hey, Mom, did you feel emotional the first time that you drove in Sacramento? " But this is not to say that Lady Bird always failed to recognize her mother.

Although she is painted in an ungrateful light by Marion, she is repeatedly open to communication and connection, something we don’t see reciprocated by Marion, despite the fact that as the mother, she holds more responsibility in mending their relationship. Marion can’t help but insert snide comments into every interaction with her daughter. Even moments of celebration are undermined by her negative remarks.

When Lady Bird is awarded her high school diploma, Marion says that she walked weirdly across the stage. When Lady Bird is excited by a dress she’s found, Marion cannot help but suggest that it's "too pink. " Why is it that Marion refuses to be truly supportive of her daughter, even when Lady Bird so earnestly is vying for her attention?

[Lady Bird] "I appreciate everything you've done for me. I'm ungrateful and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wanted more.

" Many mothers struggle with this. They love their daughters but won’t show it at the expense of their pride. They’re the parent.

They’re expected to be more knowledgeable. They’re supposed to be right, and so to protect their ego, they’ll insist their child is wrong. If only these mothers would free themselves of the expectation to be perfect, then their relationships with their daughters could heal.

This is by no means entirely self-imposed, the expectation of perfection is a construction of society, particularly the patriarchy, but we as individuals are still not absolved of responsibility for our actions. Marion writes countless letters to Lady Bird in an attempt to express her true feelings, but she doesn’t actually give them to her. Instead, she lets her fear of looking weak prevent her from doing what’s best for her daughter.

But why? Why is this? Marion’s behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum and this wider “tough mother” archetype she resembles was not born for mere storytelling purposes.

Remember that the disappointment that comes when a mother and daughter are not gratifying reflections of one another lives alongside two aforementioned pillars to the mother-daughter relationship. We’re going to return to that, but first let’s observe ‘Everything Everywhere All At Once’ as another case study to this complex phenomenon. As much as ‘Everything Everywhere All At Once’ is a discussion of the intergenerational conflict between mother and daughter, it is what it is because of the intercultural influences on Evelyn and Joy’s relationship.

Joy is pained by her mother’s resistance to truly accepting her. Much of their conflict shown directly revolves around the contention with Joy’s sexuality, but their disconnect is much deeper than that. [Jobu Tupaki] “I was just looking for someone who could see what I see.

Feel what I feel. Throughout the film, Evelyn’s perspective of her own life completely evolves. From her laundromat being audited by the IRS to her withdrawn marriage to her frayed relationship with her father, Evelyn lacks pride for the life she’s developed.

She doesn’t say it outright, but it’s written all over her face. Evelyn and her husband, Waymond, are living a typical immigrant experience. Life is busy, too busy to acknowledge the aspects of their lives that are slowly falling apart.

If a problem doesn’t have a bill attached to it or isn’t life or death, it's swept away. Mental wellbeing, expressions of love and fostering relationships are not a priority for those working day and night to get by in a foreign country. [Joy] “Mom, just wait.

” [Evelyn] “Wait? Wait? No time to wait.

” [Joy] “Just please-” Not that these matters would be addressed much better when excluding the immigrant experience. The Wang family is Chinese-American and in Chinese culture, conveying concern for needing more love and attention is considered ridiculous, almost like an insult to the more immediate “real problems. " Emotions are naturally going to be felt, but they are not to be expressed.

So what happens when you combine a culture that reproaches emotional expression, with the immigrant experience, with intergenerational struggles, with…of course…the unique dynamic between a mother and her daughter? [Joy] "Just stop! " This.

This is what happens. Perhaps the destruction of the world and entire multiverse is a little improbable, but it is an accurate manifestation of one’s internal experience. Joy wants to be understood, she wants to feel seen, she wants to be accepted, but Evelyn doesn’t know how to give her that…because she hasn’t accepted herself yet.

[Evelyn] “No, no, I’m not like you. You’re young and your mind is always changing. I still know who I am.

” At one point in Evelyn’s life, she had a future of infinite possibilities in front of her. We see it played out, she sees them played out. But in the real world–her reality–she lives a life that's much more mundane and is in comparison to some possibilities…disappointing.

Evelyn puts off facing many of her issues because of her fear of regret. What if that leap of faith she took many years ago to move to America was the wrong decision? What if she’s never able to achieve all of her hopes and dreams?

Her answer is Joy. [Alpha Waymond] “Our little explorer. You saw her potential…so you pushed her beyond her limit.

” Joy is Evelyn’s chance for happiness. She is deep down seen as not a confusing reflection, but her extension. It’s why Evelyn is so tough on her.

If Evelyn cannot accomplish the life she wanted, maybe Joy can. But love that lacks sympathy is not a love that is excusable. Occasional kindness does not nullify the effects of abuse.

Love isn’t something that should be awarded and taken away. [Evelyn] “I would only do the right thing for her…for you. ” Parents often try to rationalize their cruelty by saying that they are the way they are “out of love.

" But how good are your intentions really if they do not acknowledge the impact they have? [Alpha-Gong Gong] “You pushed your own daughter too hard until you broke her. You… you created Jodu Tupaki.

” While many women’s issues stem from what they’ve consciously or subconsciously been taught by their mothers, it would be not only unfair but inaccurate to place the blame purely on their moms. We need to acknowledge and consider the wider socio-cultural environment to understand where these behaviors truly originate and where these mothers have learned their way of approaching life. The patriarchal society we live in influences us all, men and women, and so it’s also shaped mothers’ perspectives of the world, how they act, what they perceive the role of women in society to be and has thus impacted the way they raise their daughters.

Daughters are subliminally taught very early to look to their mothers as examples of what their life should become, but as a woman gets older and starts to recognize the pain –oftentimes pain masked as anger–and difficulty her mother endures, seeing her mother’s life as her own future can be her greatest fear. In ‘Brave’, Merida sees her mother as someone whose life is dictated by her place in society and is controlled by the expectations placed on her. Elinor lives by her title as the queen.

She ensures she always looks a certain way, acts a certain way, is perceived a certain way, a way that she tries to infuse into her daughter. [Elinor] “Merida, a princess does not place her weapons on the table. ” [Merida] “Mom!

” There is a clear divide between what brings Merida joy, confidence and a sense of identity, and how Elinor expects her to be. Elinor is very concerned with her daughter eating properly, dressing nicely, acting what she’d consider to be “ladylike”, a phrase that is entirely informed by the patriarchy. Elinor believes it is Merida’s duty to get married, as that tradition is what has maintained political stability in the kingdom for years, but to Merida, her independence is something that is integral to her happiness.

What requires very intentional recognition to understand the mother-daughter conflict is intergenerational differences and the role of feminism in them. Societal expectations are changing and women now have more control over their lives and it’s more acceptable for them to advocate for their beliefs. This often causes friction between mothers and daughters.

The older generation of women were surviving in a world run by men, whereas the younger generation is dismantling the patriarchal structure that has existed for thousands of years. Merida, who is a symbol for many daughters seeking autonomy and acceptance from the world, resents the side of her mother that is restrained by her place in society. Merida’s been raised in an environment that encouraged her freedom, so she doesn’t understand why her mother doesn’t exercise her own voice.

What daughters often fail to realize is that it is not a matter of stubbornness that keeps women quiet, it is the patriarchal system that has silenced them for generations and generations. [Merida] “I want a spell to change my mum. That’ll change my fate.

” Daughters are natural extensions of their mothers and as a byproduct, they may be guided down the same life path as them, destined to reach the same fate. A fate that daughters look at within their mothers and fear. The witch in ‘Brave’ tells Merida to remember the words “Fate be changed, look inside, mend the bond torn by pride.

" The conflict between mothers and daughters is commonly an exhibition of pride, where both parties look down on the life approach of the other. In many cases this is a form of internalized misogyny. Traditional mothers see their daughters’ desire for freedom as improper, reckless and selfish because they are not familiar with it.

They never had the opportunity to even fathom living and thinking in that way. But feminism is inherently intersectional and must be treated as such to have an accurate understanding of its impacts. Women’s rights look very different in Western and Eastern cultures.

Western cultures prioritize direct communication and individualism, but Eastern cultures operate primarily through indirect communication and collectivism. Individuals are embedded within a group identity, first and foremost their family. [June] “I'm not your slave.

This isn't China. You can’t make me. ” Daughters’ decisions and behaviors are seen as a reflection of their moms and so their mistakes are considered failings on the mother’s part.

This placement of responsibility is why mothers from Eastern cultures in particular so frequently critique their daughters. [Lindo’s mother] “Look at those dirty spots! Who would want such a dirty daughter-in-law?

” ‘The Joy Luck Club’ is a film from the 90s that centers around multiple Chinese-American women and their relationships with their Chinese immigrant mothers. We bounce back and forth in time, diving into not only what makes their relationships contentious, but the mothers’ own traumatic relationships with their mothers. And what do we find is structural in the dynamics of every pair?

The relentless grasp of the patriarchy. [Rose] “Mom, what does it mean?  What does it mean, Mommy?

” [An-Mei] “I tell you the story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people’s misery and to eat my own bitterness. ” Mothers’ habitual criticism of their daughters is a side effect of being conditioned to abide by societal gender-based expectations their entire lives.

[Lindo’s Mother] “Stop stuffing yourself! No girl should eat so fast. ” [Marion] “You walked weird across the stage, but you did it!

” [Lindo] “This not so good. Only leftover strips. ” [Evelyn] “The way you two are dressed, I’m sure I’m not the only one calling him ‘he’.

” Mothers’ nit-picking becomes a funnel for the patriarchy’s control over women. While mothers may force these misogynistic social rules upon their daughters with the intentions of helping them get by, daughters feel suffocated and accept this as them never being good enough. [June] “I’m just sorry that you got stuck with such a loser.

That I’ve always been so disappointing. ” But there’s still an important aspect of this pillar that remains unaddressed. This is where we find that indiscernible line between protecting women from the patriarchy.

. . and entrapping them in it.

[Suyuan] “Only two kinds of daughter: obedient or follow-own-mind. Only one kind of daughter could live in this house: obedient kind. ” Many women have gotten so used to conforming to the patriarchy as a form of self-preservation that they aren’t able to recognize the harms it has.

In the case of Suyuan and June, Suyuan is unfamiliar with children, particularly young girls, voicing their feelings and opinions because it’s not a part of Chinese culture. She knows life to be composed of silent pain, so that's the mentality she teaches June. But telling a young girl to stay quiet, especially to their mother--a person they should be encouraged to be themselves around-- just reinforces the patriarchy.

All of the mothers in ‘The Joy Luck Club’ had their power stripped from them in their youth in one way or another, whether through being forced into child marriage, facing domestic abuse or becoming a victim to war. Here’s where the pill is a little hard to swallow. When power and choice are taken away from us, we feel compelled to regain them in another way, often subconsciously.

For a mother, exacting control over her daughter is the easiest outlet to do this. In this way, the mother feels strong from weakening her daughter. Perhaps not with the intention to cause harm, but in an attempt to feel in power of herself.

The illusion of control a mother is given by keeping her daughter disempowered protects her from having to confront the unacknowledged suffering within herself that she'd rather ignore. When a woman is strong, uses her voice and is fulfilled, the absence of those attributes within the mother is highlighted. Facing your weaknesses is never easy, so seeing your daughter flourish would trigger that in a conscious or subconscious way.

But of course, this is merely a bandage for a deep wound, so it only leaves both the mother and daughter suffering and perpetuating a cyclical trauma. You’re going to struggle to find someone who will admit that they’re hurting their daughter to make themselves feel better, but it’s an instinctive occurrence no different to someone picking on another person to make themselves feel better. The distinction here is that you wouldn’t expect a mother to do  anything to hurt their child for their own betterment.

It’s an ugly idea because of how it tarnishes our internal conception of the perfect mother image. But our anger and intolerance for mothers’ flaws has been guided by society's epxectations for women to always be perfect, and thus we are also upholding the standards of the patriarchy when we deem them irredeemable. Of course, the answer is never to expect for daughters to just put up with these damaging consequences of their trauma.

We need to lead with understanding. We need to give women space to be imperfect and feel safe to acknowledge they still need growth. [An-Mei] “Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl.

And I was born to my mother and I was born a girl. All of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way. ” Whilst motherhood is beautiful and adds something precious to one’s life, it also takes something from you: space and time to focus on your own dreams and needs.

It’s a worthy sacrifice to many mothers, but we must not discount the immense hidden difficulties of parenthood. There’s a pain and struggle you’re not allowed to talk about because you're meant to be focused on your child. Children look to their parents for guidance, so mothers and fathers feel a pressure to put on a brave face and ignore their own feelings.

For a mother, this experience can be especially overwhelming. When a woman becomes a mother, motherhood inevitably becomes a large portion of her identity. Much of her day is occupied by raising her children, tirelessly cooking their meals, cleaning after them, taking them to school, trying to make sure they turn into a good  person… But amidst that perhaps fulfilling but nonetheless demanding lifestyle, who ensures the mother is taken care of?

Because mothers tend to prioritize the needs of their family, balancing traditionally the brunt of domestic labor and also perhaps a career, they don’t claim their own personal needs. Exhaustion becomes the norm, self-care is neglected and patriarchal systems encourage the silencing of the mother’s needs, all  while placing an expectation of perfection. In ‘Everything Everywhere All At Once’, Evelyn is clearly struggling internally.

She faces a heavy fear of regret, she doesn’t know how to acknowledge the unhappiness in her marriage, she doesn’t know how to bridge the connection between herself and Joy. But her inability to recognize Joy’s pain comes from her own pain not being recognized by her parents. [Gong Gong] “Don’t call me Father.

You are not my daughter. ” As it is expected for women to be caring of others’ needs, emotionally starved mothers tend to turn to the woman closest to them, often their daughters. One of the ways these mothers may cope with their pain is through controlling their daughters in order to vicariously live through them.

Joy is Evelyn’s back up plan for reaching happiness. If Evelyn can’t find that American dream she aspired for, maybe Joy can live it out. [Evelyn] “Joy, wait, please!

I have something to say to you! ” There’s a desire for Evelyn to express her thoughts and emotions and address tough situations, but she doesn’t know how to, so she instead resorts to saying something easier: criticism. [Evelyn] “You have to try and eat healthier.

You are getting fat. ” We cut back to a shot of Evelyn with her own father, who she doesn’t have a very open relationship with. Immediately there’s this visual separation between the mother and daughter, who are part of two different generations but share a similar anguish.

There is a daughter with pain bursting through and a mother with pain held within. Evelyn has developed something called Cold Mother Syndrome. Cold Mother Syndrome refers to a parenting style characterized by a lack of emotional availability, warmth and responsiveness.

It can be displayed through blaming, criticism, gaslighting and emotional avoidance. When children are emotionally neglected and not provided with sufficient nurture, it can have long-term psychological impacts, including a tendency to repeat these familiar patterns of emotional unavailability. For Ying-Ying in ‘The Joy Luck Club’, this presents itself as emotional withdrawal from her daughter, Lena.

Ying-Ying faced an abusive and unfaithful husband who made her feel small and because of that, she suffered from depression for years. Later, she fears that Lena learned to keep her needs invisible from her. [Ying-Ying] “But Lena had no spirit, because I had none to give her.

” This is what generational trauma looks like. If we are to observe the unfulfilled needs of the daughter figure, we must also recognize the mother as a daughter herself. Daughters take note of their mother’s unspoken dissatisfactions with life and resent what they see, but they don’t realize the social pressures that led their mother to adopt this life, they just see a future they fear.

A future that may repeat itself without active intervention. [Lady Bird] “Didn’t you ever go to sleep without putting all your clothes away perfectly? Like even once?

And don’t you wish your mom hadn’t gotten angry? ” Generational trauma can be loud, it can be quiet, it can manifest itself in trying to reclaim your power… [Marion] “My mother was an abusive alcoholic. ” or even succumbing to the fact that it’s been taken.

But however it appears, it must be broken. There’s a phrase coined the “mother wound” which succinctly describes all of this. It refers to the emotional trauma a mother passes to her child,  more commonly her daughter.

It occurs due to a mother’s lack of emotional availability and when a child doesn’t receive sufficient nurture. This Mother Wound thus creates a cycle of trauma, passing down from generation to generation. This is the damage we see in Evelyn and in Ying-Ying and in An-Mei and Lindo and Marion.

And it’s been passed down to Joy and Lena and Rose and Waverly and Lady Bird and so many other women. [Waverly] “You don’t know the power you have over me. One word from you, one look, and I’m… four years old again, crying myself to sleep.

Because nothing I do… could ever, ever please you. ” The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship is undeniable. It’s multi-faceted, it holds the potential for detrimental effects.

It’s something that requires a lot of tender love and care, both between the parties but firstly within. [Lindo] “I could see her face looking at me, but not seeing me. She was ashamed, so ashamed to be my daughter.

” A daughter’s relationship with her mother is the base of her relationship with herself. Her sense of identity stems from it. Her confidence is influenced by it.

Her self-worth and voice is guided by what she sees in her mother. A big part of the strain on the relationship between mothers and daughters is a byproduct of growing up in different times. They face similar issues with society, their family, even within themselves, but they struggle to communicate about them in the same language.

[Danny] “Your mom’s hard on you. ” [Lady Bird] “Yeah, well, she loves me a lot. ” But breaking the cycle of generational trauma and the mother wound requires more than understanding.

That’s merely the first step. Mothers and daughters have so much that they can teach each other. We need a paradigm shift in how we approach the silencing of women's emotional needs.

A woman’s role in life is more than caring for others and it never requires the silencing of her needs. From understanding how generational trauma and the patriarchy has shaped mothers and daughters separately, bridges can be built. [Lena] “As I was growing up, there were times when Mom went through these bad spells.

She often seemed scared and sad, but she would never talk about it, except to say she had been married to a bad man in China. ” A daughter’s empowerment has the capability to encourage her mother to heal herself and seek the self-love and autonomy she deserves, but mothers must be receptive to learning. They mustn’t get defensive or let fear of change stop themselves from seeing their daughters' empowerment as a lesson.

Only with them embracing the space they are allowed to take up in this world will relationships be mended. [Alpha-Gong Gong] “Evelyn, let her go. ” Only with them developing true love for themselves will they be able to show true love for their daughters.

[Evelyn] “I can’t, Father. I am no longer willing to do to my daughter what you did to me. ” Because when we’re able to see ourselves, we’re able to see each other.

[Evelyn] “It’s okay if you can’t be proud of me. Because I finally am. ” [Ying-Ying] “It’s not too late.

All my pains, my regrets, I will gather them together. ” [An-Mei] “My mother not know her worth until too late. Too late for her, but not for me.

” [Suyuan] “You have style no one can teach. Must be born this way. I see you.

” [Lady Bird] “I love you. Thank you. ” [Evelyn] “I will always, always want to be here with you.