460 Days Later, Stephen Colbert Returns To THE Late Show Stage With A Full Audience

2.56M views1281 WordsGrade 3 ReadabilityDownload TxT File
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Bask in the moment as Stephen Colbert, after 15 long months spent broadcasting from places like his bathtub, his spare bedroom, and a storage closet, kicks off a new era of The Late Show by bringing it back where it belongs: on stage at the Ed Sullivan Theater in front of a loud, rowdy and fully-vaccinated studio audience. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

... Show More

Video Transcript:

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY! HOW ARE YA! ( CHANTING ) THANK YOU, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! WELCOME! PLEASE! PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU SO MUCH UP THERE! HI AND AWAY! EVERYBODY DOWN HERE, PLEASE! PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: SO HOW YOU BEEN? ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK. WE NEVER -- WE NEVER REALLY LEFT, BUT WE CERTAINLY WEREN'T HERE. THIS IS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ENERGY THAN THE CONVERTED STORAGE ROOM EIGHT FLOORS ABOVE US. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS BEAUTIFUL AS THAT WAS, AS LOVELY AS THAT WAS. ( APPLAUSE ) I HAVE NOT BEEN ON THIS STAGE IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE FOR 460 DAYS. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I DON'T KNOW IF I EVEN REMEMBER HOW TO PANDER TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CROWD IN THE WORLD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY! LOOK AT THAT MAN RIGHT THERE! LOOK AT THAT MAN RIGHT THERE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT FEELS LIKE THE FIRST DAY BACK AT SCHOOL. >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: I'M EXCITED, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS. I'VE GOT A NEW HAIRCUT AND NEW CLOTHES, CBS SENT ME A PARAMOUNT+ TRAPPER KEEPER. IT'S PRETTY SWEET. THANK YOU, CITIZEN. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME FOR YOU FOLKS TOO. THAT'S WHY WE'VE REPLACED ALL OF OUR APPLAUSE SIGNS WITH REMEMBER HOW TO APPLAUD SIGNS. I'M PROUD TO SAY, WE'RE THE FIRST SHOW BACK UP ON BROADWAY, SUCK IT, "LION KING." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT! I'M SORRY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAKUNA MA SUCK IT. ( LAUGHTER ) AS SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN WORKING IN THE CITY FOR A YEAR NOW, IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE NEW YORK CITY COMING BACK TO LIFE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS KNOW. YOU FEEL IT. YOU FEEL IT EVERYWH EVERYWHERE Y JUST TODAY, I SAW TWO TIMES SQUARE ELMOS BREEDING. LIFE FINDS A WAY. OF COURSE, I DIDN'T DO THE LAST 15 MONTHS ALONE. IN THE DOME TONIGHT, YOU CAN SEE THE ENTIRE LATE SHOW STAFF. RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GIVE IT UP. YES! I ALSO WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO THE MAN WHOSE OFFICE WORKED WITH US FOR MONTHS TO GET US BACK IN THE THEATER TONIGHT. NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO. HE'S NOT HERE TONIGHT BUT HE ASKED ME TO READ THIS NOTE -- IF YOU REMEMBER ME FOR ONE THING THIS YEAR, LET IT BE BRINGING BACK "THE LATE SHOW"'S AUDIENCE, THAT'S IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR THOSE HAVE YOU WATCHING AT HOME. EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT IS FULLY VACCINATED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE IMMORTAL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT BEING A MEMBER OF MY AUDIENCE ISN'T THE ONLY REASON TO GET YOUR SHOT, IT'S JUST THE BEST REASON. I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON ALL THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF THE VAX-SCENE L3 (TO THE TUNE OF "TEQUILA") ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ( CHEERING ) (TO THE TUNE OF "TEQUILA") ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU! ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU! >> STEPHEN: AND THEY SAID IT COULDN'T GET LONGER. IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN VACCINATED YET, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THERE ARE GREAT INCENTIVES. TOMORROW, TACO BELL IS GIVING VACCINATED CALIFORNIANS A FREE SEASONED BEEF NACHO CHEESE DORITOS LOCOS TACO. IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GET VACCINATED BUT STILL DOESN'T VALUE HUMAN LIFE. ISN'T IT A GOOD SIGN YOU DANCED FOR FOUR MINUTES AND CAN'T BREATHE? I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE STEPPING OUT TO SEE OLD FRIENDS. OVER THE WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS IN THE U.K. FOR THE G-7 SUMMIT AND BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON WAS STOKED: >> IT'S WONDERFUL TO LISTEN TO THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION AND TO JOE BIDEN. I'S FANTASTIC. IT'S A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. >> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW THE LAST GUY WAS BAD WHEN A 78-YEAR-OLD MAN IS DESCRIBED AS A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. (AS BORIS JOHNSON) YOU KNOW, HE JUST -- HE JUST -- THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT, SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY, SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THAT JUST RADIATES A BRACING CLOUD OF GOLD BOND AND FIXODENT. ( LAUGHTER ) WHILE HE WAS IN ENGLAND, THE PRESIDENT ALSO HUNG OUT WITH QUEEN ELIZABETH, SEEN HERE ENJOYING THAT OPRAH INTERVIEW. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) BIND -- SURE. WHY NOT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SEVEN-MONTH-OLD REFERENCE, THAT'S FINE. ( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN AND THE QUEEN HAD MET BEFORE, BUT IT WAS WAY BACK IN 1982. THAT'S WHEN SHE WAS TOURING WITH HER SYNTHPOP BAND... FLOCK OF REGALS. ( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN HAD SOME KIND WORDS FOR HER MAJESTY. >> SHE WAS VERY GENEROUS. SHE WAS VERY -- I DON'T THINK SHE'D BE INSULTED BUT SHE REMINDED ME OF MY MOTHER. >> Stephen: OKAY, SURE. THAT'S NICE, BUT, JOE, YOU'RE ONLY ONLY 17 YEARS APART. YOU'RE MORE CONTEMPORARIES, LIKE ME AND MY BUDDY JON BATISTE. RIGHT? >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! SOME CONTEMPORARIES IN THERE! I LOVE IT! YES! THAT'S SO NICE. MY GRANDPA USED TO SAY THAT. >> Stephen: THANKS, JON! IT WAS A BIG WEEKEND FOR THE QUEEN. SHE ATTENDED A CHARITY LUNCHEON, AND THERE WAS CAKE >> I DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS GOING TO WORK. >> THERE IS A KNIFE. >> WHAT? >> THERE IS A KNIFE. >> I KNOW THERE IS. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS MORE UNUSUAL. >> Stephen: THAT IS A LADY WHO KNOWS HER BRAND. ( AS THE QUEEN... ) SEEING AS I'M A 200 YEAR OLD PAIR OF CURTAINS, WHOSE FACE IS ON THE MONEY, AND WHOSE FAMILY IS MORE INBRED THAN A DISCOUNT GOLDEN RETRIEVER, I THINK WE'RE QUITE PAST NORMAL AT THIS JUNCTURE. NOW, WHO WANTS A PIECE OF COSTCO SHEET CAKE? ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) PRESIDENT BIDEN'S TRIP ABROAD WILL END WITH HIS MUCH ANTICIPATED SHOWDOWN ON WEDNESDAY WITH RUSSIAN PRESIDENT AND COVER MODEL, VLADIMIR PUTIN. THIS MEETING COULD BE AWKWARD BECAUSE EARLIER THIS YEAR BIDEN CALLED PUTIN A KILLER. THIS WEEKEND PUTIN WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES: >> MR PRESIDENT, ARE YOU A KILLER? >> (TRANSLATED) ( LAUGHTER ) OVER MY TENURE I'VE GOTTEN USED TO ATTACKS FROM ALL KINDS OF ANGLES AND FROM ALL KINDS OF AREAS UNDER ALL KINDS OF PRETEXT AND REASONS AND OF DIFFERENT CALIBER AND FIERCENESS, AND NONE OF IT SURPRISES ME. >> STEPHEN: SO, THAT'S A YES? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PUTIN WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT HOW BIDEN COMPARES TO THE LAST PRESIDENT: >> YOU ONCE DESCRIBED PRESIDENT TRUMP AS A BRIGHT PERSON, TALENTED. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE PRESIDENT BIDEN? >> WELL, EVEN NOW, I BELIEVE THAT FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT TRUMP MR. TRUMP IS AN EXTRAORDINARY INDIVIDUAL, TALENTED INDIVIDUAL, OTHERWISE, HE WOULD NOT HAVE BECOME U.S. PRESIDENT. HE'S A COLORFUL INDIVIDUAL. >> STEPHEN: YES, AND SCIENTISTS ARE STILL TRYING TO DETERMINE WHAT COLOR THAT IS. HONEY-GLAZED HIMMLER? ( LAUGHTER ) OH! REALLY! WOW! >> Jon: HEY! >> Stephen: IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE WITH YOU AND BACK IN THE NEAR SULLIVAN THEATER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'VE ALWAYS SAID -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'VE ALWAYS SAID -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) FOLKS, I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THERE IS NO GREATER AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD THAN YOU PEOPLE. WHEN I SAID THAT, I WAS WRONG. ( LAUGHTER ) SEE, FOR THE LAST 15 MONTHS, MY ONLY AUDIENCE WAS TRULY THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, MY WIFE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE GIVE A BIG LATE SHOW WELCOME TO EVIE COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING EVIE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING EVIE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING EVIE ) DARLING -- DARLING, UM, THANK YOU -- THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> MY PLEASURE. >> Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO THE PEOPLE? >> OKAY, AUDIENCE, HE'S ALL YOURS NOW. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND DON'T FORGET TO LAUGH BECAUSE HE REALLY NEEDS IT. >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. YOU WANNA? >> SURE. OUR GUESTS ARE AIR OWLED FRIEND JOHN STEWART -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- AND MUSIC BY OUR NEW FRIEND JON BATISTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WHEN WE RETURN, STEPHEN GOES ONE-ON-ONE WITH PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN. STICK AROUND. >> Stephen: STICK AROUND!

Like it? Make YTScribe even better by leaving a review