The Paradox of Being Nice

uncover and explore who you are through creative writing prompts with the pursuit of WGU guided Journal all the ways things could go the link is in the description you've never felt like you could be yourself around me she said with a confused and mildly frustrated tone her face was both clenched with irritation and drooping with sorrow her brow pulled in while her mouth and cheeks fell out and down as she looked over at me lying stiffly in the hospice bed she looked like she was about to cry but she hadn't given in yet I felt

like a virgin I answered what does that mean a version her tone was even tenser now just not my whole self I guess not who I really am whatever that means at this point then why the hell did you marry me she said between the stir craziness of the last nearly 2 years the medications having been in the hospice center for the last 3 weeks and of course the looming finality of everything I had for the first time in as long as I could remember perhaps in my entire life suddenly felt the walls come down

I couldn't hold them anymore more so I just didn't care to it's not that I lost care altogether I still cared a lot it's just that I stopped caring about the things that didn't matter at least not to me not anymore I didn't care about being perceived in a certain way I didn't care about being consistent I didn't care about how well I played along what other people expected and wanted of me my doctor had said that my chances of making it passed one year after my diagnosis were very low given the state of my

condition now over a year and a half later I felt like I was basically living free extra days in a way my life felt like it had ended on that onee Mark I felt like I was a ghost who only haunted himself I saw myself almost as a carcass of Life of regrets yet still filled with the spirit of who I really was who I had always wanted to be I felt separate from everything yet still present it was one of those strange States that's impossible to translate to anyone who's never been in it never

outlived their own death I looked at Kate I've never felt like myself with anyone I told her I didn't mean you specifically you didn't do anything no one did it was my fault what do you mean John she said her tone loosening and opening up a bit I blew it I did so much wrong Kate leaned in closer toward me shifting her hand a bit inside mine I looked up at the ceiling what are you talking about everyone loves you John everyone I've ever known that knows you that's spent time with you loved you loves

you I looked back over at her her face was softer now stretching vertically rather than scrunching horizontally she realized this wasn't about her or us my whole life I was so worried about whether or not people liked me loved me I did everything I could to ensure that everyone did that everyone thought I was the greatest oh John is so great he's this and he's that I changed so much about myself to make sure that happened in moments in phases in years I always went this way instead of that way to ensure that I did

what people wanted that people approved of and liked me I cared so much about how I was experienced in the minds of everyone else that I never even really experienced me in my own there was a long pause John that just makes you a good person you put others first it's in your nature it's a good thing her voice was shaky is it did I there was another pause my head was hurting I felt weak and tired and slightly numb I felt a strange Lucidity amidst the disorientation though Kate just sat there waiting I cared

about how people saw me I continued I cared about how they experienced me it was all always about me not anybody else well who the hell else is it going to be about Kate interrupted of course everything you do from your perspective is going to involve you no I didn't even really care about me either that's the worst part it was like a a strange Paradox of narcissism and self-abandonment I was so desperate so misguided so self-focused on being liked and seen a certain way I changed and reduced who I was at every turn to

appease my father mother friends teachers girlfriends bosses strangers my wife that's not a good person it's not a bad person it's just not much of a person at all Kate's eyes began to water then so did mine she said to me you did what you could you did what you knew how that's all anyone can do I paused for another moment I looked out the room's window at the cars and people rushing by on the streets below a city of people frantically completing to-do lists that weren't their own I was so worried about being seen

as a perfect person someone who was successful who was happy who was always fun to be around who was smart and competent who did the right things in the right way and now I'm going to die ey without having really been seen by anyone at all I could hear Kate sniffing I looked back over at her she was pulling tears back in they looked heavy okay she said defiantly while rubbing her face then talk to me now she continued let me see you be who you really are there's still time use [Music] it thank you

so much for watching one of the most important things we can do in life is try to understand ourselves this of course can be extremely difficult and convoluted often times without any clear answers at all but with the right tools time and effort we can get a bit closer to some semblance of answers I created a guided Journal designed to help with this process called all the ways things could go it uses creative writing and drawing prompts that help you explore your subconscious mind and arrive at clearer self- understanding rather than starting with a blank

page with this guided Journal you're given thought-provoking prompts designed to stir your creativity and coax out inner thoughts and feelings that might otherwise be hard to access for example on page 50 you're given the prompt write your obituary this is intended to challenge you to consider yourself from a different vantage point in this case after you're gone almost tricking yourself into writing a guide for the type of person you want to be when all is said and done it gets you out of the way so you can better see who you are if you're interested

the link is in the description below and of course as always thank you so much for watching in general and see you next [Music] video