How to Let Go of the Past - 3 Steps for Regret

Regrets could be your worst enemy or your  best friend. Regrets are like a hammer. They can hurt you, or you can use them to build the  life that you want.

In this video you're going to learn how to channel the emotional energy of  regrets into building something you really care about. [Music] Now, I get asked all the time how to  deal with regrets. A lot of people, as they start to make progress on their anxiety or their depression,  they start to feel intense regret about the things they missed out on in the past.

Or when people  start to improve their relationship skills, they regret past mistakes or missed opportunities, lost  connections or late starts. And regret can really hurt. It's a painful emotion.

But here's what's  important: you can learn how to transform regret into energy. So let's walk through how. Okay.

First,  people get really held up on regret because they think that regret is in the past and they can't  go back and ask the girl out or get the degree or fix the relationship. So they feel really  helpless to do anything about how they feel because we can't change the past. But here's the  thing: those feelings aren't in the past.

Those feelings are in the here and now. That feeling  of regret is like a hammer. So when you point it inward, it really hurts.

When you ruminate  on your mistakes over and over, you can really hurt yourself, and then feel depressed or hopeless  or like, why bother? Why try? But the truth is that, just like a hammer, those feelings aren't bad.

So  emotions serve a function. So like thirst. Thirst reminds us to drink here and now.

Regrets are  normal, and they mean that you care about living a good life. So that painful feeling is like the  rumble strip on the side of of the road, and that buzzes when you're drifting. The feeling of regret  is a warning to straighten out your course.

Regret is right here in the present moment. That feeling,  that activation is right here, right now. So we're going to channel all that energy, that emotion into  taking action.

Now, one of my favorite sayings is, "The best time to plant a tree was 40 years ago.  The next best time is now. " So one of the biggest mistakes that I see people make in therapy and  and in life is that their goal is to make their feelings go away instead of learning how to use  them.

So it's like saying like, "Dang, I hit my hand with this hammer. I'm going to throw this hammer  away instead of learning how to hammer correctly. " So it's not the hammer's fault.

There's nothing  wrong with the hammer. If you smash your thumb it's like, "Oh, I just need to learn how to hammer  differently. " So we take that feeling of regret, we take all that activated energy, we point it outward,  and we build something we really care about.

Now, in this case I'm building a crappy shelter for my  chickens. But in your case you're going to build the life that you really want to have. So how do  we do it?

Number one, get super clear about what regret is. Now, usually we need a piece of paper  to do this, right? You need to write about it.

So let's say you regret not asking that girl out. You  regret not going on the trip. You regret staying in an abusive relationship too long.

You regret  all the things you avoided because of anxiety or depression. Or you regret not going to the funeral  or being there at the deathbed. Or you regret all the mistakes that you made in a relationship  that you care about.

Okay. So we're going to write this down. Okay.

Step two: you're going to  get super clear about what the value is. And to do this, again, you've got to write it down. Uh so I  value living, taking risks, doing the uncomfortable thing instead of avoiding discomfort.

I value  adventure, connection, courage. I value setting boundaries, creating healthy relationships  speaking up, knowing my own worth. I value taking care of my health, pushing myself to face my fears,  taking action to get motivated, reaching out for support and education and treatment.

I value being  present in relationships, even when emotions seem overwhelming. I value putting love higher than  emotional comfort. Now, this last one requires you to get more specific.

Did you yell a lot? Then  you value emotional regulation, communication, and healthy problem-solving skills. Did you just  beat yourself up a lot?

Were you too hard on yourself? Then you value making repairs, letting  go of perfectionism. Um you value acceptance and compassion and striving to be vulnerable and  improve a little bit each day with gentleness.

So so one of the tricky things is these problems that  we regret, they're often complex, and when they live in our head they stay cloudy and we don't know  what to do with them. So step two is about getting clarity. And it's important to set a positive  goal, not a negative goal.

So instead of saying, "Oh, I regret being so lazy," you say, "I value um doing  hard things. " And instead of saying, "Oh, I regret, you know, yelling. I'm just not going to yell.

That's my  value, is not yelling. " No no no no. You have to say what are you going to do instead?

You're going to  take breaks, you're going to practice talking about problems and having crucial conversations. So make  sure as you work on writing out your values that you set positive goals. I've got videos on that.

I  will link them in the description. Okay. Step three: we heal the rift, not in the past, but right here  in the present moment.

Um values aren't outcomes. They're not a goal that you achieve. They are our  present-moment direction.

We can always choose if we are lining up with our values right here  in the present moment, because our values are a direction, not a destination. So for example, do you  regret not having kids in your youth? That's a goal, that's a destination.

But what do you value if you  regret not having kids? What you value is building a family, taking care of others, sacrificing your  needs for others, building a community, showing love. There are literally hundreds of ways that you  can act on that value right here in the present moment.

There's adopt-a-grandparent program. You can  connect with family members. You can volunteer to hold babies at the local hospital.

You can connect  with a neighbor who has small children and ask them how you can support them. And in many ways we  can build up a family, because a family isn't just a thing; it's also a direction. It's something we  act on day to day.

Okay. We have to let go of magical thinking that says, "Ah, but I had to get married  to do that. " I mean, again, that's a goal or that's outcome driven, and instead we want to embody the  pathway, the direction instead.

So I wanted to get married. What would that look like in the present  moment? That would look like putting yourself out there, meeting people, building the skills to have  healthy relationships, uh building communication skills.

We we've got to shift our focus from  outcome, which is like getting married, to a direction, like building healthy relationships,  building connection. I think we ruminate, we dwell on our regrets because dreaming of changing  things in the past is always easier than actually changing things in the present. So here's a great  example from my life.

Once when I was in grad school I'd been on a handful of dates with this  guy, um let's call him Alexander. But the thing - it didn't go anywhere. And after that, you know, we  parted ways.

About 6 months later I'm visiting my parents on Christmas Day, and guess who knocks  on the door? Alex. Now, I had no idea he was coming, and my parents were like, huh, I wonder if there's  something going on there that they didn't know about.

So like it was kind of awkward, but we found  a quiet place to catch up, and we talked about life and, you know, chatted for a little while. And then  he said, "Oh, I really wish we had tried to see if the this relationship would work. I really regret  that we didn't keep dating.

" Now, just to clarify, I didn't break up with him or anything. Like we  just were never exclusive. So I basically replied, like, "There's no reason we can't try dating again. 

Like we're both single. I'm willing. Let's give it a shot.

" And then he got super awkward, and he said  something about needing to fix something on his car, and then basically that was the end of that. For all I know, he had a dozen reasons why he didn't want to date me. Which is cool.

Like,  whatever. But if we take it a face value, what he said is the essence of unhelpful rumination.  It's this whole idea of thinking a lot about your regrets and then never doing anything about them  when you do have the chance in the present moment.

Right? I don't blame him. He was probably still like  gaining those relationship skills, like we all have to do in our lives.

But but this concept of, I'm  going to think about and talk about all the things that I regret but not do anything about them, that  idea prevented him from being able to connect on a deeper level or for more meaningful relationships.  And it's it's that type of thinking about regrets that's disordered. So we take the hammer, we take  that emotional energy, and you use that energy to do the thing, to ask someone out, to take the trip,  to fix a relationship, whatever it is.

Identify how you can get out of your comfort zone and live  the life you value right here in the present moment. If I like someone, I'm going to tell them.  If I feel to do something nice for someone, I'll do it without second guessing.

If I feel the need  to speak up but I might get shut down, I'll speak up anyway. I'm going to plan a trip, whether it's  taking the subway for the first time in years or flying to Siberia. I'm going to stretch my comfort  zone.

I'm going to initiate a trip with my friends and follow through. Or next time I see someone  getting bullied at work, I'm going to say something. Next time someone mistreats me, I'm walking away,  I'm standing up for myself, or I'm communicating assertively.

It's just about practice, practice,  practice. It's about shifting your life to be moving in that direction of your values. I'm going  to do one thing every day that scares me.

I'm going to do one thing every day that's hard. I'm going  to take cold showers or make that phone call or go somewhere that's uncomfortable for me. When  I know someone is sick or depressed or dying, I'm leaning in instead of leaning out.

When a  coworker seems off or sad or down, I'm going to ask them to tell me more. I'm going to embrace  that discomfort. If my dog needs to be put down, I'm going to stay in the room with him.

I'm going to  prioritize my relationship. When I make a mistake, I'm going to apologize and seek to make repairs.  Today, tomorrow, each day.

If you think you're too old for something, let's say like a college degree  for an example, if you're 40 and you don't have a degree, in 4 years you are going to be 44. You can  either be 44 with a degree or without. Okay.

So what direction do you want to be moving? Those are  the three steps to turning regrets into your best friend. Regrets can be a rumble strip guiding  you back on the pathway you really want to be on.

Now, I do think there are four real obstacles  to doing this. There's rumination, lack of skills, shame, and self-loathing. So rumination is where  we get stuck in this mental habit of thinking about our regrets over and over again.

If you  find yourself just getting stuck in rumination, check out my video on scheduled worry. You can do  the same thing with rumination. You schedule a time each day to intentionally regret stuff, and  then you set a time with like Lotus Bud or some other app to prompt you to check in with yourself  throughout the day, and if you're ruminating not during your rumination time, just practice  mindfulness.

Catch those thoughts and say, "Oh, I'm going to ruminate on those regrets at 6 p. m. " And  then you just redirect your attention back to what you really care about.

Okay. For self-loathing, we  can only fight hate with compassion. It's the best source of long-term motivation.

So if you're having  a hard time developing compassion towards yourself, you could try writing a short letter to yourself  forgiving yourself for the past and committing to the future. Um if you're drowning in shame for  something you did, the the most important thing is to incorporate support, to let go of the shame. Uh  so tell God, tell a friend, uh use the experience to share with others or to teach, right?

You channel  all of that activated shame energy into movement, not stagnation. So shame dies in the sunlight. We  need to put it out there in order to heal.

And we can never truly connect with others if we're  hiding parts of ourselves that we're ashamed of. And then I would say seek closure. So whenever  possible or helpful, make amends, um apologize for past mistakes, or find ways to rectify certain  situations.

Or, you know, you can use your experience to teach others. Lastly, skills. Um regret is  an emotion that accompanies learning.

So every experience you've had, you can learn something from  it. Uh what skills do you need to develop to change things in in your present moment? So for example, I  regret not having very many friends in high school, but I simply lacked like basic social skills, like  introducing myself to new people and asking them about themselves.

And when I learned these skills  in college, I made a bunch of friends. So you could always convert mistakes and regrets about  the past into experience and learning by asking like, "Oh, what can I learn from this? " Okay.

Lastly, it  helps to clarify your locus of control. So if you have a regret, write it down on a piece of paper.  Divide the paper in half.

These are the things I can change. These are the things I can't change.  And just focus on finding solutions or closure for the things that you can change and accepting  the things you can.

So this this is how you make regret your best friend. Number one: you get super  clear about what you regret. Number two: you get super clear about what the value is around that  regret.

And then number three: you take action right here in the present moment to line your life up  with the thing you value. Regret is right here in the present moment, so use that energy to live the  life you care about. Henry David Thoreau said, "Make the most of your regrets.

Never smother your sorrow,  but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply  is to live afresh. " Okay.

Also, if you'd like to learn more skills to work through tricky emotions like  regret, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, check out my How to Process Your Emotions course. I've got  30 videos and a really fat workbook that'll walk you through the little processes you can do to  make clarity around those complex and cloudy emotions and learn to get better at feeling. Okay. 

Thank you so much for watching, and take care.